Monday, January 27, 2003

Week 40
YAHOO!!!


I've lost another pound. OK, that's only one pound in two weeks, but hey, it's movement in the right direction!

I spoke this afternoon with someone I used to work with, someone who didn't know about my medical problems last year. I ended up telling her the story. Boy, what really hit me is what a dramatic story it is to tell someone. I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to always tell the story of the miracles that happened. What happened today is that I found myself connecting with some remaining sadness around the whole event, and my lingering walking problem. I got out more than a few tears. It really surprised me, because I thought that all of my sadness was out already. Just goes to show that grief and the grieving process take their own time and shape. On a daily basis, I don't feel sad about any of these things. Interesting.

I did have a strange dream that woke me up with a start. I dreamt that I was waiting for someone, in a place that was like a school or a professional conference, where people were following a schedule and gathering in rooms to hear someone speak. In the first room I was in, the speaker promised me something, and then had to leave the room. I waited a long time, and the speaker never returned, and I realized that he wasn't going to return. Then, I was scheduled to meet up with an old friend shortly afterwards. Again, my friend didn't show, but I just thought he was running late.,,, kitty break.

[kitty break means that my cat insisted on being held, which prevents me from typing.]

Resumed on Sunday, 2 Feb:
I was walking down a hallway when I spotted my friend with someone else, laughing and quite involved with a project they were working on together. When he spotted me, a look of panic came across his face. He stopped and gave me a story about how things were running behind for him, and he would meet up with me when he got the other thing finished. I realized that our friendship wasn't as important to him as I had thought it was. I felt confusion inside, because I had thought something that I now knew was wrong. Of course he needed to finish something he was already involved with. Of course he needed to keep spending time with the other person. Of course, this meant that he wouldn't have time for me for quite a while. I was disappointed, and yet that was tempered by knowing that I fit into his life exactly the way he wanted me to. The only decision left for me, is this: is this relationship working for me? If so, then no change is needed. If not, then I need to cut the cords and move on.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Week 40
Off To A Great Start


I'm so glad that I took last week off. I ate really well, and I expect to find good news at my weigh in tomorrow. Sometimes, it is good to take a step back, enjoy your successes, and stop trying to measure every single bit of progress. The scales aren't running my goal. In fact, my goal for creating a healthy lifestyle can't be measured with the scales. All that can be measured is my weight loss, which is a nice by-product of my goal. The important thing to me is how I think and how I act -- the choices I make throughout the day that make my daily living healthy or diminish my health.

After making a big client delivery, I took Friday afternoon off and I went to the first movie since July. I decided on Harry Potter, and I wasn't disappointed. I do love those books, and the movies have been really good. One of my favorite scenes in all of the books happens at the end of book 2. It's where Professor Dumbledore is telling Harry at the end of the adventure that who we are isn't our abilities, but our CHOICES. I love that idea, and I believe that it is totally true.

In my own life, I've really challenged myself to make sure that my daily living reflects the values that I say I have. It's very easy to claim to believe certain things, or to value certain things. What is harder, and more revealing, is the choices that we make around the things we say that we believe. It's about more than integrity. It's about really believing something, and putting action to the ideas because we believe them.

When I was in college, I wanted to see if my daily living reflected my values. So, I set a spiritual goal, and said that I would spend one hour on my spiritual activity every day before I could open a book and do my homework. Now, for a student who is working and going to school full time, an hour is an extravagent amount of time. I could just as easily said 15 minutes instead of an hour, but that didn't occur to me. My first thought was to spend an hour. So I did, and for the last year of school, I had the best grades ever, even though I was losing an hour of study time a day. It was a great lesson and a valuable experience in my life, something that I'm grateful I challenged myself to do.

In another way, I've done something similar in my outlook on the challenges of life. When something less than desirable happens in my life, I first ask myself how I have invited this into my life. I don't blame myself for what happened, I just look to see what attitudes or actions in my life might be a magnet that drew that undesirable thing to me. When a friend disappeared and stopped returning my calls, I asked myself if there is a part of me that has cut people off before, and really thought about both sides of that action. As the cutter off person, I usually felt totally justified in my decision. But in my time as the cutee, I realized that cutting someone off can be really rude and hurtful, something I hadn't considered when I was doing it to others. By realizing that I had lived both sides of the same action, it helped me to really see two perspectives, and helped me to decide how I wanted to handle those kinds of situations differently in the future. Honestly, I am still a bit angry with the person who cut me off recently, but I'm working on letting go of that, too. Everyone does the best that they can in any given moment. I'm sure that if my friend had felt that he was able to talk to me and tell me about what was bothering him, we could have had a nice talk. Sometimes, I don't have the energy or desire to go that extra distance with people, though, so I understand what happened from his side. I have just realized that I want to be a different sort of person, and I've made up my mind to handle similar situations differently in the future. I try to make every event in my life into a learning experience for me about me. Some times, I really get it. Other times, I'm lost in the fog. But overall, it's been a really helpful thing.

OK, another true confession. I'm hungry. It's almost bed time, and I do have a few points left. I'm going to go downstairs and grab a handfull of baby carrots and climb into bed for the night.

Nighty-nite!

Friday, January 24, 2003

Week 39
Doing Better


Ya can't keep a detrmined gal down!

I realized over the last few days that more than my food is grating on me. I've got some upset over some other issues in my life, and that upset seems to be spilling over into the food area. I'm working on resolving the REAL problem so hopefully the overflow issues will take care of themselves. Food has been better the rest of the week. I did get stocked up on groceries. I made a chicken dinner that I've made a dozen times before, and it turned out really crappy this time. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but maybe I used teaspoons instead of tablespoons, or some such thing. Anyway, the food is edible, but not yummy. I can live with that.

One quick update on my past medical situation. I am down to the bills that the insurance won't pay. This week, while talking with one of the billing offices, the woman told me to sit tight and she would resubmit the bill to them one last time. She said that sometimes they pay bills by mistake. Another woman in another office is in the process of negotiating a lower amount for me to pay. I cried when she offered it. I didn't expect that kind of kindness from a billing office, you know? I just didn't think that someone in a position like that would be allowed to use some discretion and compassion. I'm so grateful for how this is turning out. The amount that I'm having to pay for my week plus at the spa at Phoenix Baptist Hospital, including the surgery, is much smaller than I had feared. Can you hear me shouting Hallelujah in the background?

Otherwise, I'm afraid that I'm working too much (how many times have I confessed that one?) and not spending the promised amount of time on my book. I'm going to turn things around TODAY. I'm slipping out for a matinee -- I haven't seen a movie since July. I'm thinking Harry Potter. And I'm working on my book after that, and doing laundry, picking up, you know -- domestic stuff. I am working again on Saturday, but I've got some fun planned for Sunday. By the way, I think that Super Bowl Sunday is the best day of the year to go see a movie. I might take in another one Sunday night while the rest of the civilized world watches the game. I'm just not much of a sports fan, especially not football.

More later!

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Week 39
My Week Is Off To A Bad Start


I know that some of you stop by here looking for encouragement, but today, I don't think I have any to offer. Unless you are encouraged by my honest accounts of how I totally blew off yesterday. I forgot to weigh myself first thing in the morning, so about mid-afternoon, I thought I would step on the scales. If the number had been good, I probably would have used it for the official weigh in, even though I had already eaten, was dressed, etc. But the number wasn't good. It wasn't even neutral. It showed a 2 pound gain. How much of that was extra clothing or my lunch, I don't know. But instead of taking this news in stride, I got mad. From that point on, I ate everything in sight. I had larger portions that I would normally have eaten. I ate things when I wasn't hungry.

Does this make any sense to you? I was upset about the idea that maybe I had gained, and I expressed my disappointment by EATING MORE? There is no logic to this. This was pure emotional eating.

I'm having a rough time overall. I've been dealing with the last of the unpaid medical bills from my surgery. I've been appealing the insurance company's decision not to pay these bills, and just lost my appeal. I'm behind on my client work, and working like crazy to finish this up for them. I'm limping as bad as ever. My house is cluttered up because I have such a hard time walking around to pick things up. I don't mean to unleash a stream of frustration here, but just to let you know that things are not running smoothly over here. These things alone can set me up for an emotional eating time. I'm doing my best to stay focused, to take care of myself, and to stay calm. I've got hot tears on my checks as I'm writing this.

I'm not going to weigh in this week. I'm going to give myself some space, and really focus this week on DOING all of the best things I know to do. I can't control the outcome, even when I'm eating exactly the best, some times I don't lose weight. I'm not weighing in, but I'm staying on my program. Yesterday is yesterday, and today is today, and today I'm on my program. Today, I'm going to take care of myself, and do whatever seems like the best things for me to do.

When things are hard, the smartest thing I can do is be very kind to myself. It isn't the world's job to be kind to me. Since I grew up, it no longer is my mother's job to be kind to me (although bless her heart, she does her best!) It's MY JOB to look out for myself, to figure out what is bugging me, and to do my best to fix it -- or understand it if fixing it isn't an option. No one else knows when I need to take a break, or even a short nap. No one else hears the words I have going on inside of my own head, and no one else can make sure I'm talking in positive terms to myself, that I'm encouraging myself to stay strong, to stay on course, and praising myself for the miracles I've already created in my life.

In the grand scheme of things, my life is going wonderfully well. I've lost more than 40 pounds and kept it off through a major illness. I've learned how to eat and how to feed myself. I've developed a taste for veggies and fruit, and love so much of my healthy lifestyle. A year ago, I would never had guessed that my project would have been so overwhelmingly successful. So taking the last few days in perspective, this is just a speedbump in the road of life. I've got so much to be grateful about, and so much that I am grateful for! I won't let this little setback confuse me, or cause me any more pain.

I'm going to go sit in my backyard and smell the roses.

Sunday, January 19, 2003

Week 39
More Confessions


Well, even after publicly admitting what I was up to, I still didn't fly straight. I did sort through some of the cupboard, and some of the freezer, and I did make a small run to the grocery to pick up food I could fix on Saturday. So, I've managed to avoid a full-out disaster, but I still haven't done all that I could have done.

At the same time, I did spend a lot of time going through the craft closet in my office. I pulled every box and tub out, and sorted through most of them. (Of course, I couldn't sort through ALL of them... LOL) I did reorganize most of the supplies, and threw out three garbage bags of just plain junk. There is less stuff in the closet now, and it is more organized that it has ever been. I bought these blue-tinted snap-on lid boxes at my neighborhood Wal-Mart, they are one size bigger than shoe boxes. And they hold a lot in a small space! The next time I feel like organizing, I'll get out my label maker and mark the boxes. I got the idea for this, by the way, from the Create magazine I picked up at my neighborhood Michaels store. So while my food is disorganized, my office and crafts are much more organized. Which is nice because I spend all of my working hours in the office next to this closet which had been spilling its guts all over the floor of the room. I think better in a neat space. Not to mention, I don't cuss as much when I can find what I want to use right away.

I'm still tweaking the site design, today it was the fonts. Thanks to Debbie for the hot tip on how to do the archives! It was much easier that I thought it could be!

Tonight, I'm fixing perhaps my very favorite meal. I love pizza, so every so often, I buy a D'Giorno's pepperoni pizza. I take off all of the pepperonis, add oregano, garlic, corriander, crushed red pepper, restore the pepperonis, and add diced onion and mushrooms to the top. Then, I cut the pizza into thirds, and wrap up two of the thirds for later. This gives me two slices for a meal, which is about 18 points -- a lot I know, but I adjust the rest of the day accordingly. And I only drink water with it. It is delicious, and this way, I don't feel cheated out of my favorite meal.

I have a friend who is thin, but who works on her weight and appearance. We were talking the other day, and she mentioned that she had just had the most delicious lunch, half a sandwich and a small cup of soup. My brain immediately reported to me that I wanted the whole sandwich, and a big cup of soup. But her comment made me think. I love that Weight Watchers allows me to eat more the bigger I am. And honestly, I haven't missed the points that I've shaved off as I've lost weight. So, my brain is wondering if I ever reach the small size of my friend, is it possible that I would be completely satisfied with just half a sandwich? It seems possible. I'm already learning to each less and less over time -- given more time, maybe I could be adjusted down to that eating level and not even miss the other half of the sandwich! Now that is something to look forward to!

I promise to write about it here when it happens!

Have a great week, and don't forget to forgive yourself! You can start over right now.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Week 38
Very Lazy About Food


I'm here today to confess that I'm not doing everything right this week, and in fact, I'm in danger of blowing it because of my laziness. I'm hoping that this public confession will motivate me to change some things. But first, I need to talk about what is going on, and why I'm not doing all the right things. I've learned that understanding what is behind my decisions is almost as important as the decisions. So bear with me.

I am out of groceries. I have been for 5 days now. And yet, rather than make a friendly run to the neighborhood Safeway, which would give me a kitchen full of goodies, I'm grazing through the cupboards finding the dregs of food (and food combinations) to eat. It's not that the cupboards are BARE. Heck, even the freezer is pretty full. Unfortunately, it's all stuff that I don't want to eat. I've been getting by the last few days with peanut butter sandwiches, ever since I realized there was a loaf of bread in the freezer. Cans of green beans. Frozen brussels sprouts. I haven't had a decent meal in these five days, but I've managed to fight off my hunger attacks with somewhat decent food choices.

So what is the problem? A quick trip to the grocery would fill me up with the things that I like to eat. As long as I'm counting points, what is wrong with having the things I like to eat? The trip doesn't take that long. In about an hour, I can go from empty to full cupboards. It's not the money, I just got paid. So what's the deal?

What's the deal with the cupboards being full of things I don't want to eat? Maybe I should go down there and snoop around. Are these things that I bought to try, but ended up not liking? Are these the extras that I stocked up on when they were on sale? Why do I have a nearly full freezer and yet there isn't anything to eat?

OK. My goal for today is to organize the food. I'm going to sort through the freezer, and take out anything that I just don't like. I'll leave things that I'm not in the mood to eat, but get rid of things I really don't want. Same with the fridge, although it is pretty bare, especially the veg and fruit drawers. Same goes for the pantry. If I've got cans and boxes that I bought that I won't eat now, they are going. If I'm just overstocked with sale items, I need to get a clear idea of my inventory so I can see what things I really need to get. And, I'm wondering where I can drop off the non-perishables for a food shelter. A quick internet search should let me know.

I feel better. And I'm hungry. So before I make that next peanut butter sandwich, I've got some snooping around to do.

UPDATE: I've just published the first issue of The Skinny for this year. Sign up if you would like to have them delivered to your inbox.

Monday, January 13, 2003

Week 38
I Remembered!


Wow. I've got some interesting news. I remembered to weigh myself this morning. I was pleased with the number, 230.5, which means I've lost 42 pounds. Now that I have some free time, I decided it was time to update my blog and weight chart. This is where things got really interesting.

The last time I recorded my weight in my weight chart was in week 32. I don't even remember when that week took place. I would guess it was during my recovery time in Ohio. Can you make a guess about what my weight was that week? If you guessed 230.5, you are exactly on target. All of these weeks, not just the six program weeks, but all of the weeks since August 2002, and right now, I weigh exactly the same as I did then. I knew I was in the ballpark, but I had NO IDEA I was right where I left off.

Moments like this, life is good!

I really came out here to tell all of you about a great new article I found on the Weight Watchers site about small changes that make a huge difference. Some of these I had already discovered, and some of them are new ideas for me that I'm eager to try.

Happy Monday to everyone, and I hope your week is off to the great start that my week has had!

Sunday, January 12, 2003

Week 38
Redesign Progress


I dont' have much to say tonight about my health, my eating, or my weight. I've spent the whole day sleeping off the flu and working on the site redesign. It was a beautiful day out, but the great thing about living in Phoenix -- there will be another one tomorrow! I am feeling much better today, and I am starting to like the new layout. I've got a lot of work ahead of me, including making the other pages work, but it is off to a good start. I love it when a plan comes together. I don't like the logo yet... and I've got a few idea of where I can find a mermaid image that I would really like.

I did weigh myself one day last week, in the middle of the day so it wasn't official. It was 233. It's been so long since I've even seen my weight chart that I don't know if that is a gain or loss since the last time. But I'm sure it is within 5 pounds of where I left off in AUGUST! That is amazing to me. Sure, I've been watching what I put in my mouth, but not fussing over it, and I haven't really gained any weight back! This week, that fact alone feels like a miracle to me. It gives me even more confidence that I'm really doing it -- I'm really permanently changing my life.

I'm going to think about doing another newsletter in about a week, and for now, I'm thinking about doing them every other week. My schedule should allow me to do that. I miss talking with all of you!

While I've been sick, I've eaten all of the easy to fix things around the house. Being sick, I didn't have the energy to really cook a meal. I just wanted quick and easy things, like microwave dinners and lunchmeat sandwiches. There isn't anything wrong with quick. But it will be nice to have some home cooked meals again. I'm planning a grocery trip out tomorrow or Monday. I think I can make it to Monday without a grocery run!

Saturday, January 11, 2003

So Far...

...so good. I'm going to bed now, but I'll be working on smoothing out the design wrinkles later today. You know, I don't really LIKE what I've done, but I was so sick of what was here that I'm going to leave this up for a while.
Week 37
Restless & Feeling Creative?


Well, as you can see, I've got a lot of the redesign work done. Unfortunately, unless the design is complete, the site looks like crap. So bear with me... I'm actively working on fixing it up. I know what I'm trying to accomplish, but I don't know exactly how to make it happen. The joys of the learning curve.

I've slept most of the last three days, and I'm restless. I don't feel well enough to go out and play, so I'm going to have to find something indoors to amuse me... and so far, the redesign seems to be doing the trick.

I never did remember to weigh myself this week. I'm going to remember on Monday, I hope.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Week 37
Sick Day


Today I totally gave into my cold or flu, whatever it is. I've slept most of the day, and am yawning, so I expect to sleep through the night. Mostly drank fluids today. Didn't weigh myself, either. Didn't work, didn't meet my friends at Barnes & Noble, either. Hoping that the sun is shining on me tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Week 37
Sniffling and Sneezing


That's right. The edge of a head cold that I was feeling yesterday has turned into something full blown. I'm not sure if I have a cold or some version of the flu. I slept most of the day today, and only nibbled on food. I've been making a real effort to drink a lot of water because I know how easy it is to dehydrate when you are sick. I feel tired, and apart from being aware that I'm sick, I'm in a great mood. Funny how that works.

I forgot to weigh myself again this morning. I'm not going to stress over it. The next morning that I'm feeling good, I'm sure I'll remember. Knowing what I weigh today isn't going to influence me one way or another about my food choices... I'm on track and don't need any outside pressures.

But speaking of outside influences, I did learn something very interesting today. I am shopping for new health insurance, and I found out the Blue Cross / Blue Shield of Arizona won't cover a woman my height unless she weighs 195 or less. Hmm... I figure that is about 35 pounds from where I am today, and that is probably five months from now. So, I can either find someone who will cover me at my current weight and switch over in 5 months, or hang like I am without insurance and start it up the DAY I hit 195. I've got the info from a few other plans to look at, so I'm going to see if there are other companies who will cover me. I'm not going to turn over every rock in the field, but I'm going to check quite a few.

What about you, dear reader? Are you self-employed and self-insured at a plus-size weight? Any leads you could provide would be helpful. Thanks in advance.

Well, I've about worn myself out with this amount of typing. I'm ready for my next nap. Hopefully, I will be able to work at least half the day tomorrow for my client.

Monday, January 06, 2003

Week 37 (Year 2)

Well, today was the first day of the second year of my personal project. I wanted to take some time during the day to recap what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, but my schedule was out of my control. So later this week, I'll spend an entry reviewing what I learned last year, and setting my course for the new year.

But in the meantime, there are some great things to share with you all.

I went back to Ohio to visit my family for the holidays, and was there about 3 weeks. That is one advantage of the kind of work I do -- I can work from any computer attached to the Internet, as long as I take a CD filled with my basic resources and my current client project. I worked more than I want to, but I'm still working for the same client who was so patient when I was sick week after week. So, in the grand scheme of things, I want to return their loyalty to me with a committment to provide them with what they need. That was accomplished. And I did have family around for the times when I took a break, or when I was finished for the day. We had a lot of fun.

As you may remember reading, I spent the spring sorting out my winter clothes and giving away almost all of my biggest clothes. I kept only a handful of things for this winter, two sweatshirts, three turtle necks, a couple of sweaters... not much at all. And boy-o-boy, was I glad to have them! It's much colder in Ohio than Phoenix! I did buy another turtleneck and another pair of pants, and my mom bought me a couple of sweaters and sweatshirts in my current size. I'm going to keep all of these to wear next winter. Since I spend most of my time in casual clothes, it doesn't matter if they are so big that they flap in the wind! I just bought some cedar to put in the sweater boxes when I put them away for the summer. I'm hoping that I can start doing that in another month! It's been in the 70s in Phoenix since I've been back, way above normal, but hey, I love it.

I did buy one other clothing item, a special Christmas vest that was covered with beads and cut-outs... you've seen these things around. I got it at a clearance store for $15, otherwise, I wouldn't have spent the money. It was so nice to have something new, that fits and looks great for the holidays. This was the first holiday season where I didn't avoid the cameras. Now, I didn't exactly POSE for the camera, but I didn't hide in a corner. I'm not yet PROUD of how I look, but I'm PROUD of what I've accomplished and I know I look much better. I thought that was a huge improvement for me.

Another great thing that happened -- I got a chance to give small presents to three special friends from my life in Ohio, people who took the time to encourage me while I was home sick this fall. It was great to pick out things for them, and give them. The gifts were a small token of what each person means to me, and what these friendships mean to me.

So, I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I've done that lots of times before, but I'm hoping to remember tomorrow morning. I'm back, I'm on track, and I'm ready to resume my lifestyle change.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!

A year, almost to the day, after I started to lose weight, someone finally noticed! Of course, family and friends who know about my project have noticed, and I'm sure that other people have noticed and just not said anything. But yesterday afternoon, about 4 pm, I was talking with a neighbor who asked me if I had lost weight! When I said "Yes, about 50 pounds" he said that it really shows!

I consider myself a somewhat patient person. I understand that most of the time, we wait between the time we do something good and we get a reward. I've learned to appreciate the process, and the knowledge that I've done something... and to wait for the feedback or recognition until later. For me, this is one of the benefits of age... I've learned this over time. In my 20's I was quite impatient and wanted everything NOW. I've learned to build and work with the confidence that the good things I want are coming my way, even if I can't see them right now.

But a whole year!?

It feels fantastic to have someone notice the changes in my appearance. These changes are not my GOAL, my goal is to develop a healthy lifestyle. One of the benefits of my goal is losing weight. It is also increased health, stamina, endurance, improved outlook on life, and increasing my ability to trust myself. I've seen improvements in all of these areas. And now, feedback.

If you remember from my early writings, I was a bit nervous about how I would handle such feedback, because I know I have sabotaged diets in the past out of fear that people would treat me differently. I have been working through my fears, and I hoped that I had that issue resolved. I figured that at least I was aware of it, and hoped that just being aware would keep me from blowing myself off track through fear. And now, I know that I can hear and accept this feedback without a fear reaction. This is a big accomplishment for me. Bravo!!!

Starting Monday (tomorrow), I'm officially back from the holidays and back on Weight Watchers full steam ahead. I made it through the holidays without much trouble. I ate pretty well, and I even allowed myself a grand total of two pieces of Mom's delicious home made pumpkin pie over three weeks. Not too bad! My goal during this time was to try new things, find good compromises, and not gain any weight. I didn't hope to lose during this time. I'll know tomorrow where I'm starting on the weight.

I'm very proud of what I've done last year. I had really hoped to have lost more weight, but with my illness and its interruption to my life, I'm grateful to have made this much progress. I wore new clothes for the holidays, and the old ones, well, they were bagging on me. It was great to have clothes just hanging on me. It made me feel even thinner! And one other thing I noticed this time -- I'm no longer the heaviest person in my family. I hope that I'm a trendsetter, that others follow my example and take care of themselves, also. But I've kept to my decision from the start, I'm not going to be a health or diet evangelist. People make those kinds of decisions on their own, and and when they are ready. I'm willing to be a cheerleader for anyone who wants to lose weight! But I won't suggest to anyone that they consider making a healthy lifestyle change. That's not my place.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow, starting year 2 of my healthy lifestyle transformation. I'll be taking new pictures soon, too. And updating the site. I'm quite sick of the current design and eager to rethink it. So stay tuned... lots of fun changes are ahead!