Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Week Unknown: More Miracles

It's a MIRACLE.

You know, if you've been reading much of my blog, that my whole experience has been pretty incredible. Once I made up my mind I was going to change my lifestyle, things have flowed in a most amazing way for me. Sure, I've had plenty of challenges and some demons to wrestle. I've messed up, I've lost my direction from time to time, and I've gotten frustrated by my expectations of how my progress should be going. But overall, when I look at what has happened since January 2002, I'm amazed. And the only word that comes to mind is: miraculous.

Last week, I confessed here that I ate a whole box of licorice on a binge triggered by some emotional pain, and I gained a bunch of weight. I worked it through, and I was OK with all of it -- the binge, the weight gain, and the time I would take to get back to where I was the week before. I thought it might take me a month to do that. But here I am today, with only 1 extra pound to lose. I lost 5 pounds last week, after gaining 6 pounds the week before!

I must admit, that last week, after I realized how much I had gained, I wondered if there was a sort of mistake with the scales. I HOPED there was a mistake with the scales. So the next day, I weighed myself, also. The following day, I weighed one pound less than I reported here... so I knew that the original weight was correct, or at best, was only just a little off. My scales weren't broken, I didn't accidentally weigh myself wearing my heavy-duty hiking boots, nothing like that. I really gained that weight. So how did I lose 5 pounds last week? I can't explain it. I certainly didn't work very hard at it. I went over points two days that week. I wasn't being very strict with myself. I figured that after a binge, I needed to give myself some space to come back to regular slowly. I thought being strict might just set me up to binge again, and I certainly didn't want that.

There have been many miracles reported here. And after thinking about them all, and thinking about what I'm doing, I have this opinion about them. I believe that when I set my intention to establish my healthy lifestyle, there was something so determined, so powerful with that intention that it has carried me forward. Sure, I've made all of the small, day-to-day decisions to support that goal. I've lived the life, I've done the work. But the work really hasn't been that hard, not as hard as I would have expected. I've not struggled to stay on course. I've had rough patches, but I was determined to see them through, and determined that nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goal. And nothing has. I think my attitude is what has made the huge difference for me. In the past, the few times I tried to diet, I didn't have my mind made up like I do now. I can't tell you why that is true, but it is. In the past, I wanted to lose the weight for all kinds of reasons, but none of them were about ME like this goal is about me. I wanted other people to change how they reacted to me. I thought it would help me get a better job. I thought that if I was prettier, my life would be better. Those turned out to be very weak reasons for me. But deciding that I wanted to healthy lifestyle has turned out to be the answer to all of my prayers and dreams.

Sure, the whole process is taking longer than I imagined when I started, but I also understand that a slow weight loss is really better for me anyway. I'm loving the new foods in my life, and love that I'm still exploring and looking for new foods to try, new tastes to fall in love with. I've discovered that I really LIKE salads. I've discovered that just a bit of some yummy sauce is enough to satisfy me. I've discovered that adding seasonings to my foods makes such a huge difference in how I enjoy them. I don't feel cheated in any way. I don't feel like there is any food that is off limits. I sometimes order a dessert at a restaurant and only eat a few bites, and don't feel bad about leaving the rest or paying for the whole thing. I think I've got the skills and understanding I need to really win at the weight loss game.

And that is the best miracle of them all.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Week Unknown

Hey, I'm doing better. I'm eating good foods, and a good variety. Tonight, for example, I had a lamp chop with kiwi/mint sauce, garlic mashed potatoes, and fresh steamed asparagus spears. For a snack, I had an all juice lime bar.

I briefly considered rejoining Weight Watchers meetings, just to get me back on track for a while. I know where there are meetings in my new area, but I've decided to postpone that decision, at least for a while.

Also, today I purchased my first exercise equipment -- a Pilates machine from QVC. I know that you can do Pilates on the floor with just a mat, but with my mobility challenges, I thought this would really help me to get started. I also bought the stand to raise it up from the floor, something else that I thought would help me.

I'm determined to learn how to stand up from sitting down. I think the Pilates, along with my limited yoga and renewed walking program, will really help me.

By the way, I've unpacked my red towel! Now, as soon as I reach my 20% weight loss goal, I can take some new pics!

Monday, June 02, 2003

Week Unknown

I've got a confession I need to make. I've been binging all of last week, and I've got a weight gain. I've not posted the change to my weight chart yet. I gained 4.5 pounds last week. I'm amazed that I was able to gain so much so quickly, especially after staying at the same weight for so long.

I've had a few hours to really get my mind around what has happened. Here's the short version of the story....

I've been quite upset for a while, maybe months, maybe even years. There are some things in my life that I just don't like. But like any rational person, when they start to bother me, I do one of two things -- I either do something practical to fix them, or I distract myself by looking at the many truly wonderful things that also are part of my life.

A week ago, I went to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen since before my illness, and she wanted to hear the story. After all of this time, I thought I could tell the story pretty fast and in a very positive way. Instead, I found myself suddenly feeling very raw emotionally, and I reached a place where I just couldn't stop crying. In the middle of a restaurant. About a topic that I thought I had understood. I was shocked and dismayed.

I promised myself (and her) that I would work through these issues that came up during dinner. On Wednesday, in my usual session, I did work on these issues, and really was able to express what I've been feeling.

The bottom line, and quite oversimplified I must add, is that I feel like I'm responsible for myself instead of trusting by faith that everything is going to work out for me. When my client problems surfaced a few weeks back, I panicked because I wondered how I would provide for myself. Never mind that something always does work out, or that I say that I believe certain things by faith about the universe and about the spiritual support available to all of us. What I've discovered is that when it comes to money, the money that I earn from my career, I don't have any real faith. I've got lots of experience with really amazing good things happening for me, but I seem to be stuck. I don't seem to believe that I deserve this assistance, so I panic and react with fear. I also realized that I'm afraid to take some really reasonable risks with my work because I am desperate for some sense of security and so I stay put. I say "sense of security" because there really is no security in what I stay with, it's not rational.

In fact, everything I've been working with the last week is very emotional and not very rational. I've been emotionally exposed, my inconsistencies are right on the surface. It's been a tough week emotionally. But that doesn't mean that I had to eat over it. But I did. In the last week, I ate a whole box of licorice allsorts. They are one of my favorite treats, something that I usually keep around. For example, the last time I had a box, it lasted me just over 2 months, giving myself a small treat on occasion. I ate them all in five days. One day, I had licorice for BREAKFAST. The whole time this was going on, I knew what was happening. I wanted to stop, but I never did anything to stop myself. Why didn't I just throw the rest away? Why didn't I realize I was out of control and ask for help? I can't answer any of those questions. I seemed to be fixated on reaching the bottom of that box. I slowly ate every piece, enjoying every single bite of it... until I was overloaded with the taste, and then I would continue to slowly eat pieces long after I was sick of the taste. I would get myself a few from the box when I wasn't hungry. I was a disaster. Of course, with all of that sweetness in my mouth, I lost my appetite for good foods, for fruits and vegetables. I found myself wanting more snacking foods, but fortunately, none others were available.

I wish I could tell you that I've gotten to the heart of my emotional heartache, and that I'm back on the road to recovery. I am proud that I stepped on the scales today, and that I'm posting here my confession. I needed to make this confession for myself, to be honest with myself about what is going on. I know that I've got some things to think about, and that I need to be careful about what I eat this week, to get myself back on track. But I know that I need to resolve this crisis in my faith, to come to grips with my financial fears, and really fix what is broken in my heart.

Remember me in your prayers.