Week 21
Feeling Good

Sorry I haven't been here for a couple of days. I'm having trouble with Blogger, and have lost two entries to the Blogger black hole. I'm hoping THIS ONE will post. (Just tested, so far, so good!)

Several months ago, my mom told me that when I reach 35 pounds, she would buy me a new dress. So on Monday, when I crossed that point, I called her at work and the first thing I said was "You owe me!" -- not "hello" or any other salutation. She paused a minute, and then figured out what had happened, and responded by congratuating me. Now that I've reached that point, she has asked me every single time we have talked since that day if I have gone shopping yet. I have BARELY left my condo I've been so swamped this week. I promised myself (and her) that I would start shopping this weekend.

Since I was going to be out, I decided that perhaps it was time to take care of that nagging little personal errand I have been putting off for a while. The errand? Well, let's just say that in the last few months, my reading glasses have been more of a wall than a window. In fact, I've been taking them off because I can see better to read without them. Being over 40 (and quite informed about presbyopia from the TV commercials), and having watched all of my friends change their glasses after 40, I knew this wasn't going to be a fun trip. So when the LensCrafters at my neighborhood mall opened yesterday morning, I called and scheduled an exam for the afternoon.

My plan started out simple... I would hit the mall a bit early and do some dress shopping (Robinson May was my destination) and maybe do a bit more dress shopping while I waited for my glasses to be made. But once I had made plans to escape, I got a brilliant idea... it was FRIDAY after all, and even though I missed last week, I've been taking in a Friday noon matinee at my local Harkins theatre with stadium style love seats, and I've been dying to see About A Boy. So, I plotted an earlier escape... an 11:00 matinee, drive to the mall, lunch in the food court, dress shopping until 2:30, my eye exam, and some minor shopping while my glasses were being made. Now, I've been up and working since 4 am, so I would have a 6 hour work day in already, so this didn't feel like I was really playing hookey.

Then, I remembered that I still had my paycheck from last week to cash (I expected this weeks in the afternoon mail) and so I backed up my departure time a bit to include a stop at the bank. I had a full day planned.

The best laid plans often get off course. I started out great. The bank took forever because they were having computer problems, so it was good that I was early. Then, being the first Friday after school is out in my area, the line to buy tickets at the theatre was very long, so I'm standing outside in the sun while it is already 97 degrees at 10:45 am. Mostly, the people in line were going to see either Spirit or Star Wars. I had decided to purchase a souvenier cup for the theatre chain... for a $3.50 initial purchase, I can get $1 refills for the rest of the year. The cup was HUGE, and I asked the guy to only fill it half way! There were only a few people in my movie, and it was really great.

From there, I went to the mall and found the Subway in the food court. I've not eaten at a Subway in more than 5 years, but since I read an article at Weight Watchers about how to order the sandwiches smart, I thought I would try it. By the time I had eaten, I had no time really for dress shopping before my exam. So I arrived early and started shopping for frames. My plan was simple, replace the lenses in my existing frames, and get myself a pair of prescription sun glasses with their $99 special.

My eye doctor was a woman. I was very excited about this... in all of the years I've been to different LensCrafters, I've never seen any women! I thought that was great. But she wrote me a presecription for progressive lenses!!!! I had to have a serious talk with her. Right now, I only use the glasses for reading, at the computer and books. I didn't want to start wearing them more often! So, after some discussion, she agreed that I could live without the distance presecription and that the new reading preseption wouldn't work at the computer. She recommended using my existing glasses for the computer, and getting a new pair for reading, and if I wanted presecription sun glasses, to get them with the distance prescription. Yep, that's three pairs of glasses, all because I don't want to wear one pair all of the time. Well, and partly because I just don't want to need bifocals!

I had picked out very moderate priced frame for my sunglasses, under $100 (which is hard to find), and suddenly I had to really think about what I wanted to do. It would be cheaper to replace the lenses in my existing frames with the bifocal prescription and just get distance sun glasses. I spent some time, and in the end, went with the more expense and more stuff generating option. I bought a new pair of reading glasses and presecription sun glasses, both using the same frame. My total cost for the day was almost $400, twice what I had hoped for. I'm still not sure if I've done the right thing, but I've done it.

So, after they dialate my pupils, I have a strange reaction, getting really light sensitive. And then, they tell me that because of the backlog, I will have to wait 3 hours to get my glasses. So I start out to do my dress shopping. But I stop in the mall to call my mom to tell her that she is officially very old now, because she has a kid who need bifocals. We have a good laugh. I head to Robinsons, and really want to dress shop, but something about the light and the focusing on things, is giving me a headache. The eye doc had recommended that because of the problem I was having, I probably shouldn't drive right away, and what would be good for me was to sit in a movie theatre in the dark while my eyes adjust. So, after a few minutes of painful shopping, I head down to the cinema to check to see what show starts next. It's The Sum Of All Fears, so I purchase a matinee ticket, which I notice is cheaper than the one I had bought at the same chain earlier in the day. When I get inside, I realize that it is because this theatre hasn't been refurbished with stadium style love seats. At least they are rocker seats... and the show isn't too crowded. So I spend the time waiting for my glasses watching Ben Affleck save the world from nuclear war. The movie was better than I had hoped. I like Clancy, but am not much of an Affleck fan. But he was really good in this one, he really changed my opinion of him.

So, I get out of the movie and head to the LensCrafter, get my glasses fitted, and head out with three glasses cases in my tiny purse. Between there and the parking garage, I stopped into a couple of shops and looked at dresses, and then stopped into a music store to pick up Under Rug Swept, the latest Alanis Morissette album. I really didn't need to spend any more money, and the mall stores are always a few bucks more... but it was right there, and I'm going to listen to it this afternoon. A girl has to splurge a little bit on herself.

And that gets me to the whole point of this entry:

Earlier in the week, I sent someone a picture of me that I had taken back on week 1, a headshot. When I sent it, I was shocked at how budgy my face looked. So, this week I took another one, and I was thrilled to really see the change in my face! I'm thrilled to have reached the 35 pound milestone. I'm loving my clothes these days, the looseness in the older things, and the great fit of the couple of new things. And I'm trying new foods out in public, and know that I'm making smart choices. I'm living a life that I can live with forever, and there is such a feeling of freedom and joy that comes with that. In the midst of working too much, it's nice that I've been able to take a few minutes for myself, and to really appreciate the wonderful things I'm doing for myself. (And it feels good to finally admit that I needed new glasses, too.)

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Week 21
Making Progress

I have been pretty excited the last day about my loss this week, and I've been thinking about the big picture. I don't have a goal weight, but realistically, I can ballpark the amount I needed to lose as about 125 pounds. It might be more, but I don't believe it will be less. So, having lost almost 40 pounds, I realized that I'm not quite 1/3 of the way to my goal right now! For so many weeks, I've been facing that unknown future, not knowing my goal weight, not knowing my goal size, just hanging with the big picture: I'm going to be healthy. And for the first time, I feel like I've got some perspective on this part of the journey. To think that I'm about 1/3 of the total weight loss is really a fabulous feeling. I have a renewed sense that this goal is not only possible, it's really happening right before me.

I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is stomach. I know the stomach is smaller, significantly smaller, but I still see how far I have to go. I started at about 80% body fat, which is a horrible thought and fact... and I've still got so far to go. I'm not discouraged, and I'm not looking at the glass as half empty. I'm just saying that the day to day reality is that when I'm naked, I see a big stomach and I still wear big sized clothes. Daily reality says that it's a LONG journey. So getting this glimpse that maybe I've travelled about 1/3 the distance is suddenly very exciting to me.

Week 21

I've lost 38 pounds!!!!

Check out my progress chart.

I've had a good week, but I have to admit, I was surprised by the great results. I keep expecting somehow that I'm going to feel the weight melting off. It's almost like I expect to know what I will weigh before I step on the scales. Like I will suddenly develop body ESP... and just know what is going on inside my own cells, like I can hear their collective decisions.

Something I have realized this week -- I've been tired, sleeping out of my usual pattern, and I've been living without air conditioning, trying to adjust my body to the summer heat. I've felt a bit out of sorts, just a little uncomfortable. I was letting that discomfort influence the feeling I had about my food/eating results. (Notice how I very cleverly avoided using the "D" word in that sentence?)

Maybe I can get to a place where I can read some sort of biofeedback and really have an idea of how my body is progressing. But if I do, I've got to separate that small voice from all of the other voices going on inside my body... the voice of individual organs, the voice of muscle tension, the voice crying out for exercise, the voice of dealing with the summer heat... it would be quite an accomplishment.

Week 21
The Miracle of Change

I've made a lot of changes in my life over the last ten years. I've moved 2000 miles away from home, family and friends to a place I'd never seen before. I've quit my corporate career and started working for myself. I've moved from living in apartments to a condo. I've gotten myself out of debt (twice). I've opened my heart and mind to new spiritual ideas, studied with three different teachers, and come to terms with some of the "unseen" universe. I've taken risks, I've grabbed for the brass ring, and I've slowed down enough to start enjoying my life instead of managing it.

I've done a lot. Looking back over the years, the list is pretty impressive, but it didn't happen like that. It was one baby step after another, punctuated with a few huge leaps here and there. Sometimes it was scary, sometimes I didn't know what to do, and sometimes I wondered if I was crazy. But I've made it this far, and I've come a long way in creating the life I've always wanted.

With one exception. Maybe it was laziness, maybe it was fear, maybe it was shame -- but whatever the reason, I never once considered creating a healthy lifestyle until now. It was the one door that I was afraid to open, my little secret with huge visible consequences. Maybe everyone but me knew that I needed to do it. And as hard as I avoided it, I have to admit now, that I'm relieved that I'm not keeping my secret inside of me any more. It isn't something that I have on a back burner, in fear that the pot will boil over and one day a doctor or lover will tell me that I have to change. It was the part of me that felt permanent.

As I have made changes in my life, the process has been pretty much the same, even if the goals were very different. First, I got an itch, a feeling that something wasn't right in my life, something didn't fit me. From that, I could usually get a pretty good idea of what I didn't want in my life any more.

But turning that into a goal, into something that I could describe that I wanted in my life was a bit trickier. I learned to look at the world around me like a buffet, where I could pick and choose pieces of anything I saw and put them together in any way I wanted. Slowly, I would get an image of what I wanted in my life. Once I had that, I would sit and imagine how it would feel once this thing appears in my life. I learned not to think about it, but to feel it. I learned not to imagine what things would look like, but to feel how satifying it would be to use them and enjoy them. And then I would discover they were in my life. But the process doesn't end there. Once I get something new in my life, it changes me. It changes what I want, and creates new desires in me.

Isn't life a wonderful process?

Housekeeping

First, thanks to all of The Skinny readers who have been patient with me. I've got an issue in the works.

Second, thanks to all of the new sites that are linking to me, and thanks to everyone visiting from those sites.

Third, I know that I haven't been posting very much lately, but I've not really had anything to say. My projects are coming to a close, which means that things are a bit crazier than normal, and I've preoccupied with thoughts about what I will do next for work. The good thing is that I haven't been worried or really stressed about it, and it hasn't driven me to eating crunchy things (my preference for stress relief).

I've started using my George Forman grill instead of the oven. It's just too hot to warm up the whole oven. The grill does a great job, and doesn't heat up the whole kitchen/downstairs when I use it. Tonight, I had a chicken breast with the lemon garlic marinade on the side, a modification of the usual recipe. At the end, right before I pulled the chicken off the grill, I opened it up and poured the rest of the marinade over the meat so it would get cooked and drip off (into a fresh pan). It was great. I cooked two pieces of meat so I would have two meals from one time heating up the kitchen. I try to think ahead...

I've gotten back into my usual sun tea practice. If you have never tried to brew tea outside using the sun, you don't know what you are missing. Put the water into a glass container with a lid to keep critters and such out of it. For a gallon of water, I add 3 tea bags, and sometimes I use a variety of flavors. It takes just a short time in Phoenix for the tea to brew (45 minutes), but might take as much as a couple of hours in other latitudes. And you can let it sit outside for several hours, or put it out when you leave for work in the morning. It won't be ruined when you get home. When the jar is dark, the tea is done. It has a more mellow taste than regular brewing, and is so much better than the instant stuff or canned stuff. I keep it in the jar, and fill a pitcher with ice cubes, and then pour the tea over the ice. It dilutes it about half, which is about where I like it. I have been drinking it straight this week, but here are some ideas you can use:

• I used to mix tea and lemonade (an Arnold Palmer, I was told) but these days, I'm staying away from the sugar of lemonade. Instead, I'm adding a generous squirt of lemon juice to the glass. The lemon is zero points.
  
• If you like mint (and I love mint) you can add either fresh peppermint leaves or dried peppermint leaves (cut up) to the tea. I've started adding the mint to ice cube trays and then filling the trays with water and using them in my glass, but you can add the mint directly into the pitcher. The mint, like nearly all herbs, is zero points.
  
• I found this wonderful tea flavoring in the tea section. It comes in a bottle (like Worchester sauce) with a long neck, and I've seen raspberry and peach flavors. They are zero points, and you only add about a teaspoon to one glass.
  
• I've got this cute little ice cube tray that makes star shaped ice cubes. I add fresh squeezed lemon juice to make these ice cubes, and I keep them in a ziplock freezer back into the ice cube holder in the freezer. Just one added to a glass is a wonderful surprise. I even add these to water sometimes.

One thing I've been doing lately is mixing regular black tea with fruit teas. The fruit teas are a bit more expensive, so I will put two fruit teas into a jar along with one black tea. I've also mixed different flavors of fruit teas to make my own fruity combinations. And, of course, if you try this and you think the tea is too weak, you can always add more tea bags to the jar for brewing.

Week 20
Settling In To New Foods

I've been experimenting with new foods for the warmer weather, and I've eaten a LOT of fruit salad! It's been delicious, but it doesn't stick to my ribs like protein. I've also just bought some microwave popcorn, something I had been going without, after reading a positive article on the Weight Watchers website.

Week 20
Lots of Weight News Recently

I've posted a group of news articles about weight loss, obesity and related issues on my news blog, Trivium.

As I was reading the news I found about weight loss, I found myself starting to get a bit discouraged. According to these articles, our bodies are working against our efforts in weight control. I finally had to sit myself down and just think about this. OK, maybe what they are saying is all true. (Maybe it's not, but just for the sake of arguement, I'll concede that point.) So, even if it is true that it is harder then we expect to lose weight because we have to combat these factors, so what? Does this mean that no one should try? Does this mean that we just sit back, let go of the reins, and let life and our bodies pull us in any old direction? Of course not. OK, so it may be harder to lose because of these factors. I'm still determined that NO MATTER WHAT I'm going to create a healthy lifestyle. Maybe it will take me more time that I expect. Maybe it will require me to be more careful than I had hoped. So what. I can do that. I've already accomplished SO MUCH towards my goal. It's my LIFE, it's worth my best effort.

I'm doing good these days. I've noticed that I've been focused on work and losing track of time, which means I don't think about dinner until I'm actually feeling hungry. And by the time I get dinner fixed, I'm starving. I'm trying to do better today about watching the clock and eating at good times.

Otherwise, I'm happy to report that I seem to be completely over my scales obsession of the other week. I actually left the scales out after my weigh in earlier this week, and I've been stepping over them in the kitchen. I put them away this morning while I was cleaning up, and I didn't even WANT to weigh myself.

I don't think what I'm about to say is related to my food plan at all, but I'm feeling a bit distracted these last few days.

Week 20
Feeling The Desire to Re-Commit

Several times throughout the last 20 weeks, I've felt the strong desire to recommit myself to my goals and the food plan I've selected. It happened quite frequently in the beginning. And all day today, I've felt this nagging at me. I'm wondering if I'm really doing all I can, or if I'm getting lazy or sloppy with things. I want more than anything else to succeed with this lifestyle goal. So I'm renewing my promise to myself in front of all of you. Starting (again) today, I'm doing everything by the book. I'm not cheating, which is only cheating myself. I'm not running on autopilot, I'm checking points, I'm measuring food, and I'm doing my best to live by the letter of the Weight Watcher's law. I don't mean to make this sound dramatic, but I'm very serious about my promise. I WANT TO SUCCEED ALL THE WAY -- to lose all of the weight no matter how long it takes, and to really create a lifestyle where I can live healthfully ever after.

Week 20
Small Loss, But I'm Happy With It

I've learned to appreciate even the smallest losses! It was only a half pound this week, but it was movement in the right direction. With being sick and with the transition to a hot weather menu, I think I've done really well.

I'm quite busy with work, and I've got some things on my mind, so I'm not thinking very much about my lifestyle change today. I'm just enjoying the moment of celebration for the continuing miracle in my life: the realization that I can change ANYTHING about my life, and that even my greatest weakness can become the birthing spot for an asset.

Week 20
Joy In The Morning

After being sick and running very very low on groceries last week, I can't describe the feeling of pleasure I felt this morning when I woke up, stumbled down the stairs for breakfast, and then realized that I have a whole house full of food! My fruit basket is full of apples, pears and oranges, plus the banana hanger thingy is full. There is yogurt, milk for cereal, and bread in case I want french toast. I've got sliced meats, peanut butter, some frozen fruit bars and so much more. It was $100 at the grocery last night, but the freezer and fridge and pantry are FULL. And I'm a happy camper. I actually had a hard time deciding on my breakfast with so many choices, but being not quite awake, I selected an fuji apple (crunchy and sweet) and returned upstairs to enjoy it in my bed.

I've been thinking since then about the miracle of feeling so rich just because I had food choices. It surprised me this morning to realize how something so simple could make me feel so great.

Feeling Rich

Several years ago, I realized that the way I handled money was making me feel poor all of the time. I used to only take the minimum $20 from the bank machine each trip, so I was constantly out of cash and needing to return. I wasn't rich then (and I'm not rich now), but I was making progress at getting my bills paid off. I remember that when I paid off my Discover card balance, something that I had worked on for a long time, I suddenly felt very proud and rich, and in those moments I realized that not carrying enough cash with me was contributing to my "poor" mentality. From that day, I started taking out $100 each trip to the ATM. Now, I make a LOT fewer trips to the ATM, but I feel rich because I know that I always have some cash. When I reach the point of only having $40 left, I pull out another $100. That simple change has made me feel like I could buy and sell the world. In truth, I rarely part with my cash, and so it's an illusion, but since it makes me feel better, I keep it up.

What Is Abundance?

About that time, I explored the whole idea of abundance. To me, this means that everything I could possibly ever want or need is available to me. It doesn't mean that there is an endless supply of everything, it just means that there is more than I could want and that I can have it. Reaching a point where I feel abundance in my life, at least in many areas, has been a huge turning point for me. It's funny, but once I felt that I could have anything I wanted, I discovered that what I wanted suddenly was much less.

The same thing happened when I started working for myself. Until then, I had been a manager for a local technology company, and I made plenty of money for a single person. I was out of debt and was starting to build some real savings. When I felt I had a financial foundation, I quit my job and started working for myself. One of the first things I noticed was that I no longer had this urge to visit Target every other Friday. I used to go religiously on paydays, and I would spend as much as $100 on necessities, luxuries (Target luxuries at that!), CDs, movies, and other stuff. I really can't tell you what I used to buy, because since I stopped doing it, there isn't anything I'm missing. I realized that I was shopping as a reward for tolerating a job I hated. When my work situation reached my ideal (working for myself) even though I went through lots of lean times, I felt rich inside and didn't need to spend so much money.

It's funny, isn't it, how being happy makes me feel rich, no matter what the reality of my bank account. Something to think about today as I try to get caught up on the things I've let slip while I've been sick.

Towel Update

Feeling optimistic, I tried on the red towel today after my shower, and it is coming closer to wrapping around me. I promised myself not to update the pictures until the change is dramatic... so no update for a while. But it was good news for me today.

I've gone through my recipes and I'm working on finding new foods to eat for the summer months. With the heat in Phoenix, warm food usually doesn't even sound good to me, much less, the thought of heating up my house to cook it. I'm looking more at sandwiches and salads, and perhaps an occasional TV dinner (which I generally hate). I'll be posting new recipes here after I've tried them.

Also, thanks to Jen, I've got access to some great smoothie recipes. I'm going to adjust them for points, and I'll be posting them here, also.

Week 19
Ironic Postings

I've been away from my blogs the last few days because I've been sick. It's so funny that my last post talks about how great I was feeling. That was an emotional feeling great, because by the time I had posted that, I was already getting sick. I'm better now, after several days of running a fever, being sick at my stomach, and doing nothing but client work and sleeping. I had almost no appetite so I barely ate, but I did discover that I was hungry for proteins. And I drank lots of water.

Tonight I feel like a woman let out of prison! I went shopping, and ended up at a Wal-Mart in my neighborhood, my first visit there. Silly me, I brought my grocery list because I thought ALL Wal-Marts have groceries. Nope. So I ended up shopping and still don't have groceries. I'll take care of that in the morning.

But I did decide to buy myself a pair of those cute capri pants that are everywhere. I didn't feel like trying them on in the store, and I really wasn't sure what size to get. And so, being brave, I got another size smaller than what I think I wear right now. And the terrific news -- I tried them on when I got home and they fit perfectly! I'm down another size in pants!

Week 19
Feeling Like Myself Again

Actually, I'm feeling better than usual. You know how great you feel after you have been sick, the first time you realize that you aren't sick any more? Or when you hurt a part of you, and it is healed, and you are so grateful to be able to run/bend/walk or whatever? That's how I feel. I am not taking my normal good life for granted the last few days.

Week 19

Surprise: I've lost 33 pounds!

After last week, I had expected to gain. So I feel a bit like I've won the lottery today!

Today, I'm in my "new normal" mode -- which means that I've reached the end of the groceries and I have to make a run or I won't have any food for dinner. The process of getting new groceries is running smoother. I had auditioned some recipe management software that created grocery lists, but it turns out, they were more work... at least that is how it seemed. Besides, the weeks that I'm not looking for new recipes, the process is pretty quick.

I've got a couple of smoothie recipes that I'm thinking of trying. I'm going to combine from fresh fruit with some frozen, since the frozen is so much cheaper. I'll let you know how they turn out.

Oh, and today is the day. I turned on my air conditioning this afternoon when it reached 90 in my office. (And no wonder, it's 100 outside right now!) Even though the breeze was strong, even with a fan going, it was just too hot to work up here. So I didn't make it to 1 June, but I got awfully close this year. Hopefully, I will only have to run it in the afternoons for a while, and can postpone the full time running for at least a few more weeks. But the forecast has 100 again tomorrow, with the highs dropping into the low 90s over the weekend. Ah, the last few days before summer really starts. (Pass me a smoothie!)

Week 19
Never Never Never Give Up

I've learned a very important lesson in the last week: never give up because even bad times will pass.

I'm not really sure when my bad times ended, exactly. Today has been a good day. I woke up late and had to skip my Weight Watchers meeting to make it on time to a client meeting. I actually FORGOT to weigh myself this morning, so I'm going to do it tomorrow morning, instead. I've had both my lunch and my dinner, and I'm not craving anything right now, and I'm not going crazy from the desired to chomp chomp chomp something crunchy and salty. I think the troubles have passed. Finally.

Dark Week Of The Soul

There were moments last week when I just wanted to quit the whole thing. I just wanted to get back to "normal," to get back to eating like I used to eat -- but I know there is no more of that "normal" for me. What I'm doing today is the new normal, and what I plan to be doing for the rest of my life, well, at least for the forseeable future. Who knows, I might switch to a different eating plan sometime. But this I know... whatever is different in the future, I'm determined that it will be at least as healthy as what I'm doing now.

When I decided to follow this path, to make these changes, I made a huge strong decision. I don't know why the decision was so solid or so big -- I guess I was just READY to make this change in my life. It came together pretty easily, actually. And while I've had my moments, evenings and whole days before where things were tough, last week was the worst. Last week, I wanted to quit. The other times, I was just upset but willing to continue.

I say that I wanted to quit, but I have to say this: deep inside, I really didn't want to give up on myself. I was like a kid throwing a temper tantrum, being stubborn, and refusing to cooperate. What I wrote here helped me to get some of these feeling out of my head so I could look at them in the light. I'd rather come here and rant than sabotage myself on this. I'm also glad that I didn't push myself to refocus on my goals before I was ready. I really needed some time to just sit and have some sort of emotional muscle relaxer, which I got on Sunday. I didn't push myself to come back here, and now that I'm ready, it is a joy again to be writing here, writing about my journey, and writing about the promise that I made to myself.

Making Up For Small Gains

I'm expecting a small weight gain this week, maybe 2 pounds (wishful thinking), but at least I stayed on my own program. I kept my promise to myself. In spite of strong (but temporary feelings) to the contrary, I kept myself on track. I'm really proud of this. In a couple of weeks, I will have another weight loss string to celebrate, and this rough patch will be gone and forgotten, except for this: I'm stronger today because I survived last week. My promise to myself remains intact.

New Sense Of Timing

And all of this gives me a new perspective on the amount of time this change is taking: I suddenly have more patience for the process. I really don't care tonight if this takes 2 years to complete. I feel the need to allow myself as much time as I need to change my life from unhealthy to healthy, and to get rid of all of the cobwebs of unhealthy feelings and thoughts that live inside of me. It will take as long as it takes. I have a new undertanding today of why slow is best.

I'm Feeling A Bit Better Now

I'm not really sure why, but things seem a little brighter tonight. I think part of it because I have just refused to give in to feeling bad. I've eaten well today, and instead of chomping while I'm here at the computer working tonight, I've fixed myself a pitcher of iced tea which has a nice taste without any points. So it is still food stimulation, but at least it isn't going to hurt me.

I've almost finished redoing the fireplace for summer tonight, cleaning out the firebox (ashes galore!) and getting the plants lined up. The living room is in a bit of disorder, but the kitchen is cleaned up after all of my cooking today (and the broken glass from a dish I dropped!). It feels like my home is in order tonight.

I'm sitting in my office with the windows open, and I can hear one of my neighbors in the darkness, laughing and laughing. Bursts of it coming every few minutes. I don't know if they are watching Saturday Night Live or just having a party, but whatever it is, it is making me smile just to hear them having fun. Thanks to my neighbors for sharing their happiness tonight.

I'm too tired tonight to think any more about my life. I'm going to try to get back here tomorrow and write up what I want in my life now. I think that writing will help me to focus again, to get some perspective again.

Week 18
The FUNK Continues, Without A Disco Beat

I wish I could write about how great things are going, how they have really turned around... but they haven't yet.

Yesterday's Food Choices

I went to my movie yesterday and I did order a small popcorn, no butter, and I enjoyed about half of it, and when it wasn't fun any more, I set it aside. It was funny, at the counter I ordered the popcorn and a bottled water, and the clerk must have offered me a half dozen chances to "order up" starting with suggesting a larger size of popcorn, ice cream, a box of candy, and even a soda. I swear he wasn't getting the hint, or he was on commission, or every other plus sized person he has taken orders from has loaded up with all of that crap.

It was a nice change to actually order popcorn, and since I was in the movie over my lunch, it helped me to not be starving when I walked out. I didn't time things well yesterday... I thought about packing a sandwich and taking it with me to eat inside the theatre, but ran out of time in my struggle to get out the door and make the movie on time. I hate the idea of popcorn (or anything else) as a meal substitute because that is how I used to eat all of the time. But it was OK in the grand scheme of things. Not the best situation I put myself in, but I made decent choices to get myself out of it.

When I left the theatre, I ran some errands and stopped a a fresh Mex place for lunch, not my favorite Mexican restaurant with the fried cream cheese things. I ordered a chicken burro, no sour cream, no guac, and only ate about 3/4 of it. It was a good meal, and I only ate until I thought I'd had enough. No chomping urges came on me.

I wasn't so lucky after dinner. For dinner, I fixed myself my favorite sloppy joe and cut out half of the bun to sort of balance out the popcorn I had earlier in the day. The problem came during the cleanup. I kept finding myself with food in my mouth, bites of things I was either putting away or doing some refrigerator surfing. I stopped myself a couple of times, and just said "STOP IT NOW" but it was temporary. I found myself with food in my mouth without having made a decision several times last night. This is the worst single event I've been through.

What's Going On?

So today, I slept in and had a sandwich for lunch. And I sat on the couch for a long time just to get in touch with what is really happening with me. What is going on? I feel like I'm losing my mind, my concentration, my willpower, my vision for the future... I'm can't seem to reconnect myself to these things. So I started making a list of what is happening in my life that can be a factor in all of this.

1. My project is about to end and I'm facing uncertain employment. I may act calm, but I'm a bit scared on the inside, a little bit of money panic even though I've got enough in savings to get me through for a while. I'm usually excellent with budgeting because I've learned to be, my work comes and goes. To make this a bit worse, my client had given me an end date, and last week he indicated that I would be finished sooner than that.

2. This week, I haven't talked with my family at all. I usually talk to my Mom every other day, sometimes every day, but she and Dad are traveling to her brother's house and working on painting his house with his kids. I don't think it is bothering me to not be talking, but the truth is, over the last year when all of my friends left town, my mom has become one of my closest friends. Strange but true. I've called my sis, but she hasn't returned my calls, and my brother is swamped with coaching his girl's softball teams, so he hasn't returned calls, either.

3. I discovered this huge to-to list of things that was quite disturbing. I'm not going to write more about it now, if you are interested, here is my journal entry on it. I'll just say that I'm a bit overwhelmed with what I need to do, and with what I've just learned about myself.

4. While I'm talking about what I've learned about myself, lets add this one: I know that people come and go in my life, but last year's exodus was dramatic and has left me very isolated. I miss the people I used to talk to, and I've been feeling all over again the loss of other close friends from my past who also moved on. I've been feeling like maybe I should reach out to them, even though I've been through that one a million times (exaggeration!) and I've really come to believe that when people move on, it is for the best and just let them go. But what does this say about me that I've gone through a valley of people leaving and I've not really replaced them with new friends? Not that I haven't tried, or made an effort to include newer people into my inner circle. I also have learned the hard way that you can't push friendships, they happen and they happen in their own time and not necessarily with the people I might have chosen on first glance. I think I'm holding myself open to people, even though I recently freaked out a bit when someone new made an invitation to me. And I've been just a tad angry with one of these missing people. After running into him someplace in my life, after spending some time with him, and after dropping off something at his apartment one day, I still haven't heard a peep from him. I'm disappointed with him -- I thought our friendship was more important to both of us than I feel he has treated it in the last 6 months. AGGGHHHHH!

5. I also realized that in my life, I've never lost more than 30 pounds. By the time I hit this mark, I get scared and put the weight back on, plus some. So there is habit of sabbotage that I'm running into. I'm DETERMINED not to repeat history this time.

6. I've got a long road ahead of me, and even though I've been doing really great, the speed of my progress tells me that this process is going to go on for a very long time. I'm sure I've got a year from this point, after nearly half a year. It just feels a bit like the never ending story, and I'm feeling a need for some excitement. I saw a commercial today for a hair coloring, and I actually found myself thinking about making a big change like that, changing my hair color. Nothing dramatic, not to a punk look, just pushing my existing hair color into a new direction. Maybe even getting a shorter cut, something that will change the status quo for me (since I can't just lop off body weight!)

7. I've been working too much, and I really need a break. I've got a cluttered mess in areas of my condo. I really could take a month off and get my life into new order. First, I'd finish my taxes, then I'd finish sorting my paperwork so my taxes for 2002 will be half ready, then I'd finish sorting out the clothes that don't fit, then I'd completely redo my office. I've got this idea for building a new worksurface mounted on the wall, and a paint treatment for the walls that would make this a really inviting place to be. I've also got some ideas for the clutter around the desk. Oh yes, and then there are the art supplies in the closet that need to be sorted an organized. I also want to paint the downstairs to a sort of putty color. I think I could have all of this done in a month and I'd feel so much better. Maybe I should do that once this project ends.

8. On the plus side, I pulled the fireplace screen last night, removed the logs from the copper bucket, and removed the fireplace tools. I purchased some houseplants to put in the bucket in the fireplace opening, and I've reorganized the mantle for more of a summer look. I love it so far, but I'm not finished. Not only do I need to put these things into the storage closet (first I have to make room for them) but I also have to finish getting the house ready for summer. I've got some weather stripping to install, and linings for a couple of curtains to add. Oooppps. I went from a plus to another to-do item. Oh well, they do go together.

9. Confession. Before I came upstairs to write this, I thought I would find out how much damage my fridge surfing did last night. I haven't weighed myself for a few days... I pulled the scales out, and they show a 4 pound gain since Monday. Now, I know that as much as a pound of that is part of the normal fluxuation during the day... but it does look like I've gained at least 3 pounds this week. I'm not upset with myself for pulling out the scales... I'm having a tough time with food and if the scales would have given a positive answer, I would have known that most of the struggle is just inside my head. But now I know for sure that my whole being is involved with this struggle. I'm a bit disappointed to see a gain, but at the same time, I really understand that I can start all over RIGHT NOW and what has happened before this moment is history. So I'm not discouraged by the scales... they have just confirmed for me that what I'm dealing with is serious and deserves my serious attention.

With all of this going on, it's no wonder that I'm struggling a bit.

I'm going to just sit with these feelings for a while, and when I come back to write here, I'm going to explore that I want to do from this point forward.

Week 18
Did Better Today (But Didn't Have Fun)

OK, the day isn't exactly over for me, but I've still got a couple of points left, so I think I have had a successful day. I went to lunch with a friend, and she was like "you pick the place since you are watching what you eat" and I was like "but I don't want to be good today." And so she like suggested a steak place that has great salads, and I was like "bummer, I wanted an excuse to eat Mexican or something exciting." But after drooling over the grilled chicken sandwich with teriaki sauce which I was like "wanting to order so bad" I decided to be really good and I like "ordered the chinese chicken salad" and my friend was all like "so, that looks really good" and I was like "bummer, your drippy greasy sandwich and fries looks good to me" and I was like "do you want to order dessert?" But I didn't. I was good.

(I think I've just seen one too many Saturday Night Live reruns with David Spade and Adam Sandler in drag working in the Gap store.)

I made a good choice even though I wasn't happy about it and it wasn't any fun. But I swear to God, if this apathy and desire to chomp chomp is still here tomorrow, I'm going to order a small popcorn without butter at the movie and then take myself to dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and order my favorite fried thing with cream cheese, and just write off the day as a loss. Maybe that will get me out of this funk.

The thing about today is that I knew I could have ordered the chicken sandwich with fries, but if I'm going to splurge, I want it to be because I feel like splurging, not because I just don't care about anything at the moment. I thought it was important to make the tough decision today, to choose to stay with my goals, just because it was hard to do. I'm convinced that the battlefield is in the small decisions, not the big ones. It's the moments like today when I choose to do the good thing for myself that I really start to break the back of these old habits, the ones that have gotten me to where a red Ralph Lauren bath towel doesn't wrap around me.

So I supposed that today was actually a great victory day for me. The moment of challenge came, I recognized it, and I made a choice to confirm my life changes. Maybe I should just be happy with that. Maybe part of the problem is that when I'm in a funk, I think that FOOD will make me feel better. Maybe I need to figure out what I can do with the rest of my evening that will REALLY make me feel better, and I suspect it has nothing to do with my remaining points.

Week 18
I Blew It Today

I let my cravings get the best of me, and blew my points by 3. Not terrible, I know, but not the way to keep the scales as my friend (a friend I didn't meet with today, by the way!)

I had this urge to just chomp chomp chomp, and I picked something that wasn't horrible, but I still didn't like it. I actually thought that if I had fresh lettuce (I threw out some wilted stuff yesterday) I could have made a salad that would have been crunchy and nearly zero points. I'm going to make sure I have salad fixings on hand now that summer is here and they are not warm foods. But this restless chomping I wanted to do.. that isn't about hunger. I really want to get to the bottom of the craving, but being a realist, I'll settle for just having something harmless to chomp on.

Week 18
Adjusting To The Heat...

...and scales withdrawl. I have put the scales away, standing upright between the fridge and the cupboards, but I must admit I pulled them out once today just to see what they might say. I got bad news, so I immediately put them away. And I've promised myself NOT to pull them out again until Monday morning. But if I do, I'll confess it here, because I have to keep things honest.

Otherwise, I'm feeling a bit sticky and bloated today, related to the heat in my office. For those of you who go to work in air conditioned offices, even if they can't seem to get it right, be glad that someone else pays for it. Since converting to my home office several years ago, I play this little game with the air conditioning. I try to avoid putting it on until 1 June. I've never made it that far, but I try. It's mostly to save money. This place isn't very well insulated, and living in Phoenix, the utility bills in the summer can get quite high. How high? So far, my largest bill is nearly $300, and that is with the thermostat set to 82 degrees, and lining on all of the drapes. I have a new set of drapes that I have purchased new lining for, but haven't gotten to, and I've got some additional weatherstripping for two of the doors, which I plan to install this week. But basically, in the summer, I sit in my computer chair and the sweat runs off of me all day long while I drink room temperature water (because the cold stuff hurts to drink it). There is always an adjustment period when the temps start to be near 100 consistently, which is happening now. I also loose my appetite for warm foods, understandable. I've got a summer of cold cuts sandwiches and fruit soups to look forward to. And I don't mind.

I've also started my summer rituals of cold showers throughout the day. They really make a difference in my comfort level (not to mention my stink level), getting my body cooled down a bit. I'm not sure how all of these warm weather body changes will impact my weight loss, but I'm sure I will discover it over the next few weeks. I'm sure that everything is going to be fine.

Well, time to refill my water pitcher and maybe slip into the shower for a quick cool down before settling in for th evening.

Week 18

I've Lost 31 pounds!

I promised myself that I was going to report my first Monday weight here, and so even though these scales said two pounds different yesterday, I'm reporting the first weigh-in this morning. It's a good loss, and really just proves that something fishy was going on last week with my weight. Overall, I'm thrilled with my progress. It's taken me a lot longer than I had hoped... I had hoped when I started to lose about 10 pound a month, but I'm grateful for the changes. I suppose that if the scales were all I cared about, I could have lost quicker because everything I was doing would have been focused on that. By focusing on being healthy, I've focused on creating a lifestyle I can live with, and that means eating things I can live with. I also know that a slow loss is more likely to be a permanent loss. So as I sit here, well aware of how much more I have to lose, and perhaps a bit impatient about that, I can take a deep breath and say "all is well with me." And that statement feels right and true.

Feeling Insecure

One of the things I've been wrestling with last week was a sense of insecurity, being scared to meet some new people. It doesn't make any sense, I know, but I felt it so strong. I know that people make judgements based on how we look, whether they mean to or not. I also know that I can't hibernate until this weight loss process is completed. I will die inside my house if I'm cut off from social contact! That can't be healthy for me. And yet the insecurity I felt was strong, something that I have been dealing with.

I surprised myself a bit because I tend to be rather a warrior with myself, and like a drill sergeant, just saying "feel the fear and do it anyway." But this time, I thought that I didn't have to push myself RIGHT THEN to make this new contact. Instead, I told the person that I was interested, but postponed the time. I did that to give myself some time to feel scared and figure out a bit what is going on. Besides, I knew that the scared feelings would pass. I thought it was more important to let myself feel them and see what journey they would take me on.

Feeling Exposed

I learned a lot about this fear, valuable information. I learned that I'm starting to feel exposed, which reinforces what I thought before... that part of the reason for the weight was to "disappear" at least in a social sense. I don't know why I wanted to disappear, but I don't feel like I have to unravel all of the mysteries of my life... I just need to understand what forces are at work inside of me now and learn how to get myself free of them. The past is the past... I want to know what I can do RIGHT NOW to be free of my self made prision. Losing the weight is part of this, and I'm learning how to do that. Not being scared of social situations is another part, and I'm exploring how I can do this, looking for answers.

I'm sure it is a good thing that I'm going through this now. I can remember the three other times that I started to lose weight, once the people around me started to comment on the weight loss in a positive way, I panicked and without making a decision, started putting the weight back on. I know this is a pattern with me. So I'm grateful this strong fear that has been with me a long time is coming up in a different situation so I can deal with it now. By the time the people around me start to notice my weight loss (no one has yet!) I want my instinct to feel PROUD of my accomplishment, and to accept their compliments with a big smile, not a "deer in the headlights" paralyzed with fear. I know I can do this!!!

Being Proud

I know that new people won't have any idea that I'm well on my way to a new package, and will make judgements about my current state. That is human nature, nothing I can do about it, and no reason to be upset with them about it. I don't want to be a person who wears my project on my sleeve... I don't want to be talking about my new healthy lifestyle with everyone I met. I want to talk about lots of other things, and may sometimes want to talk about healthy lifestyle related things. But I don't want to drive every relationship with talk about my lifestyle change! So, if I'm not going to tell new people what's up with me, how can I present myself honestly and fully? I think the answer lies in this: honestly feeling proud of myself, have a great self esteem based on what I know I'm accomplishing, and not even thinking about what other people may be thinking about me.

Maybe that is the key... maybe this fear is only created because I have been caring more about what other people think of me that what I think of me. That is a new idea, and I think that may be the key to this whole situation. I'm going to think about that some more.

Week 18
Weighing In

Since I've had my scales, I have to admit I've got a bit wacky with them. I've been weighing myself all of the time. Of course, the fact that they are sitting in the middle of my kitchen floor only helps me to step on them all throughout the day. I'm not recording these weights, I'm experimenting. For example, I weighed myself this morning after a quick trip to the bathroom. Then later, when I realized a more prolonged bathroom trip was close, I weighed in a "before" and an "after" weight to see how much tonage I was flushing! I know, I'm silly. I also have weighed myself before eating my lunch sandwich, while holding the sandwich, and after eating it, just to see if there were unexpected changes. So far, I'm pleased to report, that MOST situations have turned out as expected. One odd results, gaining weight after a significant bowel movement, I'm going to attribute to the inaccuracy of the scales since it only measures to 1/2 pound, not the 1/10 like the meeting scales. I'm done with my experimenting phase, and I'm going to start on Monday doing my official weigh in on my own scales. That will be the number that I report here.

I told my mom this afternoon about my experiments and she thinks I've lost my mind.

I had a delicious dinner tonight, my favorite, California Pizza Kitchen's frozen Thai Chicken Pizza, which comes out to 9 points for half. I had a coke (3 points) and one ounce of potatoe chips (salt & vinegar this time instead of my usual, jalapeno) for another 3 points. I had barely eaten before this, so I had the points, but man-o-man is my tummy full now.

I've been sipping iced peppermint tea this evening as I've been sitting up here in the office, working on a client project. I hope to actually spend tomorrow out of the office, working on the drip system in my garden, replacing a few herbs that have been lost to either the heat or a failure of the drip system (must find out tomorrow), and maybe even bringing home a new houseplant or two. It should be a fun day, throwing in stops at my local T.J. Maxx and Marshalls for some fun window shopping.

I'm a regular chatty Cathy tonight. Maybe I should save some of these words for The Skinny, which is half written and waiting for me to get back to it!

Week 17
Scrummy New Recipe

A couple of weeks ago, I found a new cookbook that sounded great, Classic Caribbean by Rosamund Grant. One of the recipes that caught my eye was Salmon in Mango and Ginger Sauce. I fixed it for dinner tonight, and it was delicious. Pretty quick and easy, too.

Salmon in Mango and Ginger Sauce

Ingredients:
2 salmon steaks (about 10 oz each)
1/4 c lemon juice
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 tsp tarragon leaves, ground to a powder
1 tomato, roughly chopped
1 ripe mango (about 6 oz), roughly chopped
2/3 c fish stock or water
1 tbs ginger syrup (or 1 inch ginger root, sliced thin) or (1 tbs ground ginger)
salt to taste
key lime pepper to taste (or black pepper)

Directions:
-- Place the salmon in a shallow dish and cover with the lemon juice, garlic, tarragon, salt and pepper. Cover and let marinate in the fridge for at least one hour.
-- Prepare the sauce by placing the shallots, tomato, and mango in a blender or food processor and blend until smooth. Add the fish stock (or water) and the ginger syrup, blend again, and set aside.
-- Place the marinated salmon steaks in a frying pan on medium heat and sauté for about 5 minutes on each side.
-- Add the mango sauce to the frying pan, reduce heat to simmer, and cover. Cook for about 5 minutes or until steaks are cooked through.
-- Place the steaks on the plates. Stir the sauce in the frying pan, seasoning to taste. Pour the hot sauce over the steaks and serve.

Serves: 2 Points per serving: about 7

Week 17
Comments?

Hey everyone, I just added a comments feature to the site. Feel free to speak your mind about what you read here. I will get to it quicker than emails (you should see my backlog!) so write away!

Week 17
Weighing In


When I started thinking about leaving Weight Watchers meetings, I knew that I would have to buy a scales. So, I started shopping for them on the Internet. I picked out the one I wanted, one with a sleek space age design made mostly of glass. I got some prices, and decided to go shopping in the stores around me. I figured between Walmart, Kmart and Target I could find the one I wanted.

Well, today I made a huge Target run, getting light bulbs, batteries, extension cords, paper towels, dish soap... you get the idea, the essentials. I also stopped in the department where they keep scales. I didn't find the one I wanted, but I found one very similar for about half of the price. And looking over this very full cart of necessities, I made an executive decision: this one is good enough. [The photo is the one I wanted.]

So, I race home and tear out my new scales, only to discover that I get an error message. I live in this crazy place with carpeting in the bathroom. And the scale needs something completely level, so I take the scales back down to my kitchen, the only room with a smooth non-carpeted surface. And I weigh myself for the first time. The number is 3 pounds lighter than my Monday weigh in, which leads me to believe that I really didn't gain any weight! For my second executive decision of the day... I'm going to start weighing in on my new scales every Monday, and that will be my official weight for the week. That is the one that I'll be tracking here.

I am still planning to quit WW in the near future, but I want to wait until I get through this rough patch I seem to be in. I can't say that I'm really using any of the meeting resources, but at least this way I don't feel like I'm being reckless. I'm only quitting the meetings, not the program. I figure at about $50 a month, for the number of months I expect to be on it, I can save myself a lot of money. And if I ever decide that I need to return, the startup fee is small enough that I won't mind paying it if I feel the benefit is worth it.

Things You Don't Know About Me
(and I'm willing to share)

• I've lived in the desert for ten years.
  
• I moved here for a job without ever having visited here first.
  
• I have a friend who lives here, someone I went to junior high, high school, and college with. We both live 2000 miles from our home town. He moved here first. Because of his family and work situation, I only see him a couple times a year, but we talk more frequently on the phone or by email.
  
• My cat, Skooch, is my second adult pet. My first cat, Rattle, was eaten by coyotes just over my garden wall one day last summer. I love my Skoochie snuggle bug, but I still miss my Rattle Cat.
  
• I drive a sport utility truck, a small one. Someone told me once it was a "girl truck" but I can't confirm or deny that report.
  
• I have worked for myself for 7 years and mostly work from my home. I love it.
  
• I have always throught I was fat, even when I really was just slightly overweight. When I look at old pictures of me, I see how close I was to really being thin, and I remember how horrible I felt even though the facts weren't that bad. Because of this, I believe my mind is my greatest battlefield, and that my positive body image has to start there.
  
• I'm extremely private about my identify online because I've had problems with people using things from my online journal against me in professional situations. After that happened, I didn't keep my journal online, and then I started to feel safe again when I began posting anonymously.
  
• My Mom knows about this site and my pictures. She is a great supporter of me through this process. I think she and my Dad are both glad to see me resolving this issue in my life. They never nag at me, only praise me. (If only my childhood had been so positive... LOL)
  
• In the past, I could never buy a bag of potatoe chips because I would eat the whole thing as soon as it was open. Today, I buy one bag of chips each month and give myself one ounce at a time with some lunches. It's one of my favorite treats.
  
• I learned to cook when I moved out after college. I was so broke that I couldn't afford fast food or even TV dinners. One of my favorite meals was tacos, and I would make enough that I could have leftovers at lunch for two days afterwards. I also learned a lot about potatoes during that time.
  
• When I was broke, I started making my own pizzas. At first, they were horrible, but I had to learn how to make them better because I couldn't afford to buy them. Now, I make a great pizza, and my biggest secret is the seasonings: oregano, basil, and garlic.
  
• I use very few points for breakfast, have a small lunch, and really save the points for dinner.
  
• Sometimes I catch myself worrying about how I will keep adjusting to fewer and fewer points as I lose weight. I don't feel overstuffed now. Then, I carried a 30 pound cat litter container in the house, and I started to appreciate how much work daily movements are at my current weight. Now, I really think that I will want less food as the weight comes off.
  
• I have one drawer in my kitchen devoted to Weight Watchers. I have my points calculator, my scale, a permanent marking pen (for writing on food packages), a stack of journals, and recipe cards. There are also some old grocery lists in there, I'm sure.
  
• Exercise is the one part of the program that I haven't been really focused on. I love to walk, but just haven't been in the mood to do it. I'm going to figure out a painless way to get it back into my daily life.
  
• I have taken steps to make my life more active. I walk the stairs instead of using the elevator. I park out in the parking lot and walk to the stores. In large shopping centers, I park in the middle and walk from store to store to keep moving more.
  
• I used to be a night owl, but in the last two years, I've started going to be early and getting up early, like 4 am or so. I really like the quiet of the middle fo the night, and I like getting up before the sun is up.
  
• If you knew me in real life, you would probably be surprised at how quiet I am. I save most of my words for writing.
  

Week 17
Cleopatra Here...

I have been sick the last few days, it seems to be a flu-like bug, but I know the real reason I've been sick is because I've been working too much. I don't want to blame the poor flu bug for MAKING me sick. I made myself sick.

So here is the Queen of Denial part... I went to my meeting yesterday to weigh in, and it showed a gain. I wasn't surprised because I have not been, ahem, using the bathroom for a few days now. I get like that when I'm sick. The scales showed a weight gain, and while it could be the return of my plateau, I believe it is the flu effect. Especially since I really took a huge dump when I got home from the meeting. HUGE. So, I haven't decided what I'm going to do with this weigh in. I'm thinking about hitting another meeting on Wednesday for another weigh in, just to see if things adjusted themselves and it really was the dump-factor. Otherwise, I'm going to have to process the idea that maybe I really did have a gain, even though I ate really well during that week. Although once I was sick, I did cut back quite a bit on my points... no appetite.

The bottom line is... I'm being honest that I'm not dealing with my weight gain. Does that still mean I'm in denial?

The best thing that has come of out this event is that I realized I'm not upset about the gain. I didn't freak out, get mad or anything else (like I did during my plateau). I know that I'm on track and I'm actually feeling more like I want to be very strict and accurate this week, just to really prove to myself that I'm on track. During the plateau, I would sometimes feel like all was lost, and want to give in and splurge just because the numbers weren't great. I hope this is a sign that I've really learned that it is more important to eat healthy than the results on the scale. (laughing) I guess time will tell...

Week 17

Sorry I disappeared for a few days. I've been working too much, and I actually took two whole days off! Unbelievable. I actually might feel like returning to work in the morning. Nah, maybe not.

But inspite of being out of groceries, I've creatively scrounged for food using what was on hand, and have kept within my points. I went to Boston Market last night near closing, and they gave me so much ham that I could use it today, both for one meal for me, and snackers for Skooch (you cat owners know what I'm talking about!).

Tomorrow is another meeting, and I'm hitting the grocery on the way home. It makes for a long long lunch, but it will work.

By the way, I've spent the biggest part of today cleaning up my office, which includes the out of season clothes closet in this room. I've got a huge pile of things to ship to my sister, a few to try to consign, and a whole bunch to give away. That will be my errand for Tuesday afternoon!

Next time I'm here, I'll be reporting on my weekly meeting results. Oh yes, and hopefully getting out that last issue of The Skinny.

Week 16
New Pictures

I'm still swamped, and still working on that issue of The Skinny. Thanks for being so patient with me! I hope to have it out before the end of the week.

I was in such a good mood after Monday's results that I stopped on my way home from a meeting and bought a new dress, two sizes smaller than my starting size! Wooo Hoooo!!!! And since I was trying on clothes, I decided to try on my red Ralph Lauren towel and posed in my bathroom for new pics! Check them out on the side. I still can't wrap that towel around me, but by golly, it's getting closer!

I think the next round of pictures will be in either 4 months or 30 pounds, which ever comes first! Based on my progress so far, I'm expecting the bottom edge of the towel to just about touch... we'll see what really happens!

Week 16
More Good News

I have lost 29 pounds!

I have reached my 10% mark, and I'm one pound from losing 30 pounds, another milestone. To celebrate, on my way home from the meeting, I stopped at a discount store and bought myself a new bathing suit. I haven't owned one for years, so it is about time. There are two pools within about 2 blocks of my condo.

Week 16
Feeling Angry (Again/Still)

The problem is that I'm working too much, and my life is out of balance. I'm angry that I've let this happen. I'm angry that I've worked through the entire weekend without having even one bit of fun, or even doing one bit of housework. This has got to end. DO YOU HEAR ME... THIS HAS GOT TO END. This is no way to live my life. This is no way to spend my time. This is certainly not a healthy lifestyle, spending hours on end writing and excluding the entire world.

Maybe it takes getting a fire lit under me to get me to change directions. Maybe it takes getting so tired that I can't find the energy to be polite or politically correct or think about things from the other person's point of view. At some point, I have to just decide what I want in my life, and let the rest go. I don't want working weekends, unless I've had two days off during the week. I don't want clients who don't pay their bills. I don't want icky people who are so anal that they get all worked up about issues and events that don't even touch their personal life, people who want to control parts of the world that they don't even participate in. What kind of head game is that? I'm tired of spending time with people like this!!!

Sigh. Rant over.

So what do I really want? What do I want in my life?

-- I want to work with clients who have interesting projects, who appreciate my talents and efforts, and who respect me in many ways, including paying my bills promptly.
-- I want to spend my working hours exploring new areas, new subjects and taking new twists on things -- things that engage my abilities and experience and aptitude and allow me to rise to the challenge.
-- I want a daily routine where all of my needs are met, my emotional needs, my physical needs, my spiritual needs, my need to pay the bills, my need to be involved in friends lives, my need to share with my family's experiences.
-- I want a balance of indoor and outdoor time, so that I can feel fresh breezes, see the horizon and hear the birds, and at the same time, create my art, explore the world of ideas, and crack open the oyster that is my universe.
-- I want people who have their own thoughts, people who see their own life as a grand adventure and explore it with a sense of perspective and humor. I really like people like this.
-- I want to laugh several times a day, at myself, at the irony of the world, at the puns I encounter, at the silliness of things around me.
-- I want to share something from inside me every day.
-- I want to learn something new about myself every day, and something new about the world around me every day.
-- I want to enjoy this journey, this lifestyle change I'm making, and the things I'm learning about myself.

I feel much better.

Fruited Rice Pudding
(modified from the Best of Weight Watcher's Magazine, vol. 1)

Ingredients:
2 cups skim milk, divided
1 3/4 c water
1/2 c uncooked white rice
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 c sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 c strawberries, cut into small pieces
1 tbs blackberry preserves (optional)

Directions:
1. Combine 1 cup of milk, water, rice and salt in a saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cover. Let simmer for 30 minutes.
2. Stir in remaining milk, sugar and vanilla. Cover and let simmer for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally until creamy.
3. Remove from the heat, add strawberries and preserves (optional) and let stand for 5 minutes.

Serve warm or chilled.

Servings: 4 (1 cup each) Points: 3

The original recipe called for mango and pineapple, so you can substitute any fruits in this recipe, adjusting the points accordingly. You can use fresh fruit or frozen. This is really yummy, and although it takes some time, it is very easy to make. I have been buying rice pudding at my grocery store for over $3 for about 3 cups, and it has 3 points for each 1/2 cup serving.

Week 16
Munchie Attacks

The last two days have been driving me crazy. I fix myself a nice meal, and about an hour later, I want to eat. I'm not hungry, I know I'm not hungry, and yet I just want something to munch on. I'm so glad this doesn't happen very often. Tonight, I discovered something that really helped to put an end to it (at least it hasn't returned in the last few hours!). I made some lemon zinger tea, and I added 1 tsp of this great mango flavoring that I found in a bottle in the tea section. They have several flavors, including raspberry. The flavoring is zero points, and the tea is zero points. There was enough of a sweetness to the taste that I felt like I had enjoyed a bit of a dessert without the points. Try it the next time you are feeling the munchies.

Week 15
Swamped, But Have Good News

Remember those jeans I pulled out a few weeks back, the ones that I was so thrilled to be able to wear again? I wore them last Thursday to a meeting, and washed them this week. I pulled them out of the dryer this morning and wore them to yet another meeting. But today, something was different. I pulled them up, and started to tuck in my shirt, when *holy cow* they are WAY TOO BIG! They still stay up, but they are so sloppy too big that I had to leave my shirt untucked just to look better. WOW. And this after a week where the scales said I gained weight.

It just goes to prove what I've said all along... the scales only measure one aspect of this lifestyle change.

I was all excited this morning driving to my meeting, thinking that it was time to buy a smaller pair. Then I remembered that I already own smaller pairs (see, Queen of Denial kept them in the back of her closet, just in case...) and even if I didn't own a smaller size, it's too close to summer's heat to buy such heavy clothes. When it is 110 degrees in the shade, with 80% humidity (which pretty much describes late June through early September in the desert), jeans are the LAST item of clothing I would consider wearing.

Bottom line... I'm jazzed again. Now, I can't wait to try on other clothes to see what happens... maybe I'm down a size in everything!

I promise to get out The Skinny in the next few days, and to update my Ralph Lauren red towel pictures! I know there is a huge difference because I did a sneak preview the other night after my bath.

Isn't it amazing how just a few days can go by, the the challenges have all melted away?

Staying Real

It happened. After only losing a very small amount over the last two weeks, I've had my first gain. Overall, I've been at the same weight now for almost a month. My first plateau. I was quite upset last week over the small loss, but after all of the trouble I've had the last few days, I really expected a zero loss, or even a small gain. I wasn't upset, and I'm not upset about it now. If I let myself, I could get frustrated over the lack of weight loss in the last month, but honestly, I don't want to go there. With two very small exceptions, I've continued to eat right, like a champ. The results are out of my control. All I can control is what I do, and I'm very proud of my successful lifestyle change. I know that once this time passes, the weight loss will resume, and I'll soon be proud of additional losses.

One change I've made is that I've signed up today to joing the Weight Watchers e-tools, their online journal, recipe calculator and other things that sound quite nice. It's about the cost of another meeting once a month, but I'll try it for a while and see if it helps. I'm more determined than ever to do everything by the book. For example, I know I've been slacking on the water drinking, so starting today, I've got renewed enthusiasm for every little detail. It feels like I'm starting with a clean page today, and ready to start the next phase of my lifestyle change.

Week 15
Update

It's only been a few hours since I wrote about my struggles, but I feel so much better. I don't feel so edgy any more, and I'm sure that my hormones have leveled off. I'm really relieved!

For dinner I decided to have the pork chops, asparagus and potatoes. In fact, I had an extra chop that I was going to cook and put away for tomorrow's lunch, but I decided to eat the extra protein in place of some of the potatoes. It is more points, yes, but also more protein.

In looking back, I'm glad that I had the can of fruit to eat when the cravings were at their worst. I'm going to replace the can, and make sure to have something that is somewhat safe on hand for times when I have cravings. I'm just glad that I feel better.

Week 15
Keeping It Real

I haven't written much in the last few days because I've been really struggling with food. For the most part, these last months have been relatively easy. They have required strong decisions, and repeated decisions, but the hard times have been mostly about issues other than food. The last two days, it has been food, and cravings like I don't remember ever having before. I postponed writing about this because I kept thinking (in my eternal optimism) that it had to end soon. I'm in the second day, and I hope it is finished with me.

I know that this is connected directly to my period, which also started two days ago. One thing I'm glad to say... since starting this program, I've had fewer PMS-like symptoms, and more regular periods. That is awesome. In fact, this month my period is right on time and I had NO PMS-like symptoms. But I've also had the most incredible cravings that I've ever experienced. Last night, I was having cravings, and when I checked back over what I had eaten for the day, I was points short. So I thought that the cravings were possibly real hunger, and thought it was OK to fix something somewhat nutritious for a snack. An hour later, I was craving more... the bit I ate only seemed to make the craving worse. I waited 10 minutes, hoping that the craving would pass, and it didn't. I ended up fixing 2 tbs (unpopped) of popcorn, hoping that the munching would satifsy me. But even that wasn't enough to end the craving. I ended up being a bit miserable after that. I finally ended up fixing a half peanut butter sandwich, and really blowing out my points for the day. I chose peanut butter because it is not only sweet, but it has enough protein that I figured I would not have any real hunger for several hours after, unlike snack foods without protein.

It seemed to work... I was able to get to sleep and didn't have much more trouble after that half sandwich. But this afternoon, it started all over again, only stronger. I have been craving sweets like crazy. I tried another half sandwich of peanut butter, and while it filled me up, it didn't solve the cravings. I ended up eating a whole can of fruit, which was supposed to be four servings, and have found some temporary relief. I'm getting ready to fix my dinner now, planning on having pork chops, asparagus and maybe mashed potatoes. I'm thinking about fixing myself a full dinner using all of the points that I normally use for dinner, ignoring the fact that this will put me over the top again today. I'm afraid that if I cut back on dinner, I'll be really hungry later, and I don't want another evening like I had last night.

What is amazing to me is how scared I feel inside. My brain is telling me that this is OK, and that in the scheme of things, two days over points doesn't really matter, even if it means I have no weight loss this week. Two bad days in 15 weeks is nothing, just nothing, to be worried about. I know that this voice in my head is the right voice to listen to. The scared voice is the same part of me that cried when a friend didn't have time to talk to me this afternoon, and is fueled by hormones that are a bit out of control right now. I know that if I just stay calm, things will all work themselves out.

It's one of those days where I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Know what I mean?

Buyer Beware

The companies that produce food items are supposed to provide accurate information on the labels, information that we in WW use to calculate points. Here is a case where the labels was wrong, dramatically wrong. I don't know what kind of food item this is, but I've never heard of the company. I think there are laws that require this information to be correct. Just be careful if you are eating a lot of packaged food from a company that isn't well known, especially if they are snack foods.

Week 14
New Tool/Toy

I have been thinking about buying one of the Weight Watches digital scales. I haven't yet because they are $40. I suppose that is about the correct price, but it just isn't something I will buy without considering it. I think it would be to my advantage to really be able to weigh out the one ounce of potatoe chips that makes one serving instead of counting out the 15 they estimate. After all, the chips on the top of the bag are bigger! Also, I spend some time doing math to figure out how much of a fish fillet is actually 4 ounces based on the raw weight. I just think having a scales will be faster and easier, and more accurate. I don't know if I've been overestimating what I can eat, or underestimating, but with a scales, it will be accurate.

Yesterday, I was doing a stock up trip to Target (cat litter, toilet paper, lightbulbs, you get the idea...) when I discovered that they carry digital kitchen scales, and they are CHEAPER by $10. There is one difference, the WW scale comes with a clear plastic food container that sits on the scales. The Target one is just the scales, but get this... the scale has a feature where you set an empty container on, any container, and it weighs the container, and then you hit a button, add the food to be weighed and it subtracts the weight of the container! So with the Target scale, I can use every container in my kitchen and always get an accurate reading. I read the instructions last night, but I don't have enough batteries to feed it. So today, I'm back to Target to get more batteries (and a couple of things I forgot yesterday) and then my kitchen will have its own scales! Wooo Hoooo! And I saved $10!

Week 14
Positive Life Outlook

I always love to find things in other people's blogs (online journals) that encourage me. I just visited one of my regular stops, the blog of Wil Wheaton (Stand By Me, Star Trek: Next Generation) and was thrilled to find this gem:

"Taking out the garbage cans tonight, I saw that a huge garden spider had built an enormous web in my backyard. I love this, because this huge, complex, beautiful web is vital for this spider's survival, yet it will be gone by noon tomorrow. That spider is going to build an equally beautiful and necessary web again tomorrow night, and this web will be as unique and as complex as tonight's. This is a great lesson."

For me, this kind of an outlook on life is the only worthwhile outlook. My life is too precious to waste its moments looking out at the world through dirty windows. I'm not wasting one spec of time or energy regretting the time I've spent with this extra weight, or even that I put on the weight in the first place. The important thing to me, the only thing, is that I'm making changes TODAY to let myself become more and more of the person I want to be. That's all I can do, and all I can expect from myself.

I expect to find the best things in life, and I look for them in every person, situation, place and idea. Yea, sometimes I mess up, but when I keep myself focused, it is amazing to see how the world twists and opens to show me the best it has to offer.

Week 14
An EGGcellent Cure For Discouragement

I've been eating very well, and I've been looking forward to reaching my 10% goal. Because I missed my meeting last week, I figured that I had lost about 3 pounds since my last meeting. But when I got weighed, I was shocked to learn I had only lost .4 pounds. Not even a half pound. For the first time, I actually considered taking off my shoes! But I had decided up front that I wasn't going to worry about how much my clothes weighed, and figure that over the weeks, the clothing weight would be balanced out.

I know I shouldn't have been disappointed by this result. It was a loss, and I know that I'm doing my best. I took my seat in the room, but a few minutes before the meeting started, I bolted. I just couldn't sit there. I wanted to cry a little, and I wanted to do something dramatic, something to really splurge. Fortunately, I didn't do either one. I drove around for a bit, and then decided to try out the new highway that opened in Phoenix over the weekend. (It's very nice, by the way.) I called and told someone how I was feeling, and how I knew it was ridiculous for me to feel this way. I know all of this. But I still felt it.

Here is what turned my day around... I was waiting in traffic at a light when I spotted a white VW painted up for a local chain of breakfast restaurants called The Good Egg. The license plate was "EGG Mobile." Besides the advertising pictures, it had a sign pointing out the EGGhaust, and said "How's my driving... EGGcellent (and other options)." This made me laugh out loud, just what I needed. I sat there for so long, that I decided to call the "How Am I Driving" phone number. I got voice mail, and explained that I was in traffic with the EGG Mobile and thanked them for making my day by making me laugh. I told them that I really enjoy their restaurants. And I hung up.

My day was turned around as soon as I started laughing. The sun even seemed to shine a bit brighter. I felt grateful for the nearly 27 pounds that I've lost, and the huge lifestyle change I've made. And then my cell phone rang. It was the driver of the EGG Mobile, who had just retrieved my message. We talked briefly, and he told me that he was going to leave something for me at the counter of the restaurant I usually visit. I thanked him for making my day twice! I'm going to stop by there tomorrow to pick it up, and I'm very EGGcited about it.

The moral of this experience is: When I'm feeling blue, there is nothing like silly humor to turn things around.

The other moral is: When things are going good, they just keep getting better.

Garlic Shrimp
Adapted from Cream of the Crop from Weight Watcher's Magazine.
Ingredients:

1 tbs olive oil
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
8 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
1 1/2 lbs large shrimp, peeled
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 c dry white wine
2 tbs fresh parsley, minced
1/4 tsp thyme
1/4 tsp lemon pepper

Directions:
1. Heat oil in large non-stick skillet over medium heat. Add red pepper, garlic and bay leaf. Simmer for 30 seconds.
2. Add shrimpt to skillet, add salt and saute for 3 minutes.
3. Remove shrimp from skillet and set aside.
4. Add wine, parsley, thyme and lemon pepper to skillet, bring to a boil and cook until reduced to 1/4 c, about 1 minute.
5. Return shrimp to skillet, toss to coat. Remove bay leaf.

Serves: 4 Points: 4

Apricot Glazed Pork Roast
Adapted from Two's Company by Weight Watchers Magazine.

Ingredients:
1/2 c apricot preserves
4 tsp dijon mustard
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/4 tsp lemon pepper
2 lbs rolled boned pork loin roast

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Combine preserves, mustard, thyme and pepper in a bowl and stir well.
3. Place roast on broiler pan and brush with apricot mixture. Insert meat thermometer into the thickest portion.
4. Bake at 350 for 1:55 or until thermometer reaches 160, basting occasionally with preserves.
5. Let stand 15 minutes before slicing.
6. Slice roast into 6 4 0z portions. Store in fridge up to 4 days or 3 months in freezer.

Serves: 12 (2 oz portions) Points: 4

They stay great in the freezer. Here is what I've done with them from the freezer.

1. Thaw 4 oz (2 portions).
2. Mix up some additional apricot mixture: 2 tbs apricot preserves, 1 tsp dijon mustard, 1/8 tsp thyme, dash of key lime pepper (or lemon pepper).
3. Place meat in a frying pan on medium heat. Cover with additional apricot mixture. Add pepper to taste. Warm on both sides, basting as needed.

Serves: 2 (2 oz meat with 1 tbs mixture) Points: 5

The key lime pepper is really wonderful with this, the lime adds a great contrast to the apricot. If you can't find this at your grocery, try adding 1/2 tsp lime juice and use either lemon pepper or any black pepper to taste.

Week 14
Recipes

I've made a lot of yummy things lately, and I'm behind on posting recipes.

Week 13
More New Foods

I made a trip to the grocery last night, and finally was able to find some fish that looked fresh. Tonight, I had beer battered orange roughy with mashed potatoes. I meant to have asparagus with it. I pulled the asparagus out of the fridge and set it into the steamer pot on the back burner. But I forgot about it during the rush to fix the batter, and so it never got water added to it, and never got turned on. I discovered it sitting there on the back burner when I went to clean up. I guess I'll have the asparagus with a meal later this week!

The fish was good, but overall, it's not a recipe that I'll plan to fix again. Just not that exciting.

I do have the ingredients to make a mint cucumber salad. What's strange about this is that I never have like cucumbers in the past, but this recipe sounded good. I'm discovering that I'm much more flexible about foods than I have been in the past. I'm going to make this tomorrow (at least that is the plan) and if I don't like it, I don't like it. But I might just discover something really wonderful, too.

It's really exciting to me to see how many new foods I'm willing to try. I've been a somewhat picky eater in the past, really only eating the same things over and over. At least for now, my food courage is high, and I'm finding lots of great new things.

Week 13
More Looking Ahead

Apologies to everyone looking for the last issue of The Skinny... my work schedule has kept me unusually busy. Hopefully, I'll get the next issue out on Friday or Saturday.

I've been thinking about this next phase of my lifestyle change, the new phase I seem to be entering. That's not quite right... its more that I feel that the first phase is coming to an end, and I'm preparing for the second phase now. I've been thinking about stopping my attendance at Weight Watcher's meetings at the end of this month. It's not the expense, exactly. But I figure with the first few weeks dues, I can purchase myself a really great set of scales. And I can weigh myself in every week. I'm not getting much from the meetings the last 4 or 5 I've attended.

I want to make sure that I've really made myself accountable if I quit meetings. One thing that would go away is my access to the journals, and with them, easy recordkeeping. I'm thinking about creating something in Xcel that would let me track my daily points, and do the math for me! The only disadvantage -- I would have to come upstairs to the computer, where I've kept my journals in the kitchen. I'm sure I could come up with something, though, that would seem like an improvement, even if it was slightly less convenient.

Part of thinking of moving away from meetings is trying to reach the "after" state of my project. I really don't see myself continuing to attend WW meetings after I reach my goal. I figure that if I quit and it doesn't work out, I can always rejoin if I want to. That's not a problem. So, the real issue for me is making sure that I don't start getting sloppy with my daily food.

I'm not making the decision today, I'm just thinking about it. If I quit, I will most likely do it at the end of the month. Maybe I should go out shopping for a set of scales this weekend!

Week 13
Reaching A Plateau Part 2

Over the last three months I've gone a long way towards changing my lifestyle, but I'm feeling like there are other directions I need to go, new growth that needs to take place. It's not that I really WANT to suddenly become this active, sporty type person... but because of my success with the first phase of my changes, I'm suddenly interested in doing things that never had appealed to me before. It amazes me how making one change leads to other changes, things that could not have guess would change. Now that I'm seeing results and feeling very positive about what I've got going on, I'm looking for the next growth opportunity, and new ways to expand my success even further.

I talked with a fitness guy at work about what he does for exercise, and I found he feels the same way I do about the gym. He would rather be outside, also. It was an interesting conversation to have, not because of what I learned from him, but because it was new for me to see and hear myself having such a conversation about exercise. I could see today that I'm really becoming a new person on the inside.

As I drove past the public golf course on my way into the office, I thought about what it would be like to have golf clubs in the back, and pull in here and golf. I have also imagined my truck with a bike rack on it, and wondered where I might store a bike in my house or yard. I don't even know if I can get a bike rack for my truck, but it is probably out there. I don't see myself playing tennis, mostly because I'm too far out of shape right now to be able to do it. Maybe I'll take some lessons later on, when I'm lighter on my feet. Who knows? I've also thought about resuming roller skating, the real old fashioned kind of skates, not blades. Something will happen...

I made up my mind that I'm going to resume yoga classes starting tonight. I don't know how long I will do this, but I'm going tonight. Maybe for a while the classes will help me to learn some more and to get back into the routine of yoga. Hmmm... maybe I'll even consider going to WomanHeart this year. It would be nice to go when I'm not in the middle of a disaster. I can certainly work it around my work schedule... oh, that's the project live week. Well, it is something to think about, anyway.

Updated

After I wrote this, I did decide to go to my yoga class Tuesday night. It was a great experience, and I'm considering going every week for a while, just to be me inspired to resume my morning yoga routine. Once that happens, I can go to yoga once a month or so, and feel good about it.

Week 13
Reaching A Plateau

Most often, when people talk about a plateau, they mean that they have temporarily stopped losing weight. But today, through a series of things I have been thinking about, it occured to me that I've hit a plateau even though I'm still losing weight. My plateau is about lifestyle. Over the last three months, I've worked hard at designing a new life for myself. It was obvious that my old lifestyle wasn't working for me... it left me about 100 pounds overweight! So I threw everything out and started over. I'm eating new foods, I'm eating very differently, and I'm looking at my life differently. In every way, my changes have been a total success.

So, how could I think I'm at a plateau?

I went back to my original goal, the real reason that I'm doing this. Yes, I have smaller goals, like being able to wrap a towel around me. But the REAL goal is more basic than that. At the end of last year, I was taking inventory of my life, and looking at my assets. At first, I just looked at the financial things, and then my view expanded to include more things, tangible and intangible. At that time, I set this goal -- that at the start of 2003 I want to be able to count my health as one of my assets.

That's a big goal. In the last months, I've been focused on learning how to eat in a healthy way, but I really haven't expanded much beyond that. My level of exercise, for example, is minimal, enough that I feel good, but not enough that I'm really getting in shape. Now, with all of these area, I have another guideline -- I want to make changes that I can live with forever. This isn't a short term project, this is finding a new way to live through each day. I could develop an agressive exercise program, but that isn't what my goal is about. I really need to shake up this part of my life, to really become a MORE ACTIVE PERSON. Not temporarily, but permanently. I want to feel like I'm living inside a well tuned physical machine, with muscles and flexibility and endurance I can count on.

As I sit here tonight, I'm not sure what form this will take, and I'm not sure I can see that far into the future, anyway. Eventually, as I reach my body's ideal weght, I may find I take up an exercise hobby, something recreational that I do regularly. I don't want to just start hanging out in a gym, either. I want to MOVE and DO SOMETHING. The difference for me between walking on a treadmill and moving through my neighborhood is night and day. I want to be in the neighborhood, having the scenery change, taking in the horizon, and getting fresh air. I may take up tennis, or golf, or mountain biking... at this point I have no idea. But for today, for this week, I want to start to connect with the inside of my body.