Getting Back on Track

For several days now, I've been planning to resume my Weight Watchers program, only to have a few challenging days in a row. I wouldn't call them BAD days... not compared to what I've been through. Just challenging. So, unless something unexpected happens, I'm planning to resume starting Monday. A fresh start on the first day of the week. Seems like a good plan.

But I must admit, I've been taking advantage of semi-guilt-free snacking the last few days. It's been interesting to observe how part of me really wants to dig into the snack food, and enjoys eating it. But I've had enough of it now, that the sane part of me, the part is really proud of what I've accomplished -- heck, the part of me that wanted to create the healthy lifestyle in the first place -- is starting to regain importance. I don't care if I never eat another [fill in snack food name here] the rest of my life. And I can say that with all of the conviction of my heart. It might be fun to indulge like this for a short time, but really, I want to be back on track, back eating healthy foods. I want to reach my goal!

One interesting challenge that has been there for me most of the time is the fear that I can't really get thin, or that if I reach a goal that is thin, I won't be able to maintain it. I will be grateful to be chubby instead of obese, let's be clear about that. But recently, I've been seeing a lot of weight loss commercials on TV where the women started out at about my goal weight, and then lost a bunch of weight to actually get thin. It puts my mental gymnastics into some perspective. For right now, I'm still not setting a goal. But I'm going to continue to push myself about this "don't get too thin" mentality. For heaven's sake, I'm not considering becoming anorexic -- just being a healthy size, maybe something like a size 10. For someone who can't ever remember being that small, not even in high school more than 25 years ago, that sounds really small. And after years of rationalizing to myself that being that weight isn't healthy, after all, no wonder I'm challenged to consider that as a goal, something I could maintain. I don't have to set any goal. I can lose a bunch now, and then decide to lose more later if I want. There are no rules, I'm making this up as I go. The only things I must do:

• I must establish a healthy eating/exercise lifestyle
  
• I must listen to my body and respond to it
  
• I must establish a lifestyle that I can live with

Everything else is gravy. I mean, I would be really smart to take the advice of health care and nutritional experts, and to learn as much as I can about nutrition and general health. But that is just common sense, and so far, I trust myself to use my best common sense. I've been doing it so far.

I'm going to weigh myself when I wake up, and no matter what I weigh, it will be fine with me. It's the post-surgery starting point. I would LIKE to lose about 8 pounds before I head back to Phoenix, but since I don't know when I'll be going back, exactly, that goal isn't very important.

Let's just keep focused on the process and let the results take care of themselves.

P.S. I know that I owe you the rest of my illness story. It seems that the further away it gets in time, the less I want to spend any time thinking about it. I promise to wrap up the story very soon.

Age Is A State of Mind

One really funny thing happened while I was sick. My Mom and I found lots of things to have belly laughs about, after all, laughter is the best medicine (at least that is what I learned from Reader's Digest as a kid). Before my mom arrived, I told my friend a bit about my mom, how fiesty she is, and I mentioned that she is 73 years old. So, after she had been here for a few days, I asked my friend, in front of my Mom, if she was like I described. My friend said "yes" and I explained to Mom what I had said about her, including the part about her being 73.

As it turns out, I was out of my mind. She is no where near 73 years old. She was 67 at the time, and she didn't like me getting her age wrong, and in the least flattering direction. It was a totally honest mistake on my part, which I immediately blamed on my illness. Mom told everyone in the family about it, and it became a huge family joke.

Well, Monday was Mom's birthday, the one where she actually turned 68, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE in the family cashed in on the 73rd birthday. My sis sent her flowers and the card just said "Happy 73rd Birthday." The cake said 73. It was the topic of conversation the whole night.

My Mom says "paybacks are hell..." so I'm not sure what is planned for me.

I had already given her the presents I had for her when we got home from the hospital, so I wasn't expected to have another present for her this week. But I did order two things for her, both jokes, and I'm still waiting for both to arrive.

First, there is this commercial for PCDI, one of these correspondence schools, that offers motorcycle repair. Seems that years ago, a guy rented a house that Mom managed and he worked on his greasy motorcycle in the living room and ruined the carpeting. So, every time that commerical comes on, Mom announces that she is going to take the motorcycle repair training course, and that she is going to work on it in the living room, sitting on the couch. It's a huge family joke that I just found out about. Well, I went out to their website, and ordered the course information for her. I expect it to arrive any day now, and I can't wait to hear her reaction when she brings in the mail.

Second, Mom loves the Jerry Springer show. She didn't seem to care for him when he was the mayor of Cincy, which is only about 45 miles from here. And she believes that all of the people on the show are actors. She doesn't believe any of it is true. At least this is what she says. So, being the trickster I am, I went out to Jerry's site and discovered that I could order an autographed photo of Jerry, so I did. I've told Dad what I did on this one, and he said that she can only hang the picture in the bathroom (so it will make it easier for him to reach the toilet before barfing). I know, I come from a very sick and twisted family, but certainly you already knew that from my wacko sense of humor, right?

What is Important In Life

I promise to write more about my story later, but there is one gem, one thing that means a great deal to me, that I want to write tonight.

The day before I left the hospital, I had to go down to radiology to have a pick line put in. It's like a permanent IV located on the upper arm. They actually use an ultrasound machine to slide a tube into a vein towards your heart so that the medicine gets spread through your bloodstream very fast. It's done in a very scary room, and the whole idea of it had me quite terrified, to be honest. They rolled me into this huge room with all of this equipment and I was very scared. I asked them to explain what was going to happen. They said I would feel a prick when they gave me a shot of Novicane, and that I should not feel anything after that. They were exactly right. I decided to close my eyes so I couldn't watch the ultrasound, and laid there repeating my favorite morning prayer/chant to myself until it was done. It didn't take very long, and like I said, compare to how scared I was, the whole procedure was nothing. Painless. I was worried for nothing.

When I came out of that room, there was a woman in a wheelchair waiting to be next. They had to clean the room and equipment before she could go in. She was about 10 years older than me, and her lip was quivering. We made eye contact, and she asked me about the procedure. I told her what they had told me, that I closed my eyes, and that it really felt very much like getting a normal IV started. She still looked scared. I asked one of the technicians to move my chair over by hers. I reached out and put my hand on hers, and told her that it was really going to be OK, and that I had been scared too. Then, after a pause, she started sobbing. I put my arm around her, still holding her other hand. She tried to stop herself out of embarrassment, but I told her it was OK. She cried for several minutes, and then began to collect herself. One of the technicians had brought over a box of tissues by this time, and I felt like a mother soothing a child for a moment.

Then she began to talk, interrupted by more crying, and told me that she was a recently retired school teacher. I told her that I had taught school, and we talked about the miracles of touching the lives of students. Then, she told me that she was in the hospital because she has colon cancer, and that her husband was in the waiting room, and all of this time, she has never broken down and cried in front of him. With that, we both started sobbing, and I did my best to put both arms around her. After a few more minutes, she again composed herself, and asked me my name. I asked her name. I asked her if her faith was supporting her through this time, and she told me that it was the ONLY thing that was supporting her. I told her that I had been saying a prayer while they did the procedure, and suggested that she do the same. I told her that I would be praying for her, not only through this procedure, but through her surgery and beyond. And I have.

They came and wheeled her into the room for her procedure, and someone else came and took me back to my room. But I was not the same person who had left the room just 45 minutes earlier. My heart was broken open with the humanity of another person. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I'll never be the same. As I thought about what had just happened, I realized that I had just had one of the most important moments of my life. Maybe in the grand scheme of time, it won't make the top ten moments, but I had reached out to another person in a time of need, and offered the full compassion of my heart to them. It didn't matter that she was previously a stranger to me, and that I will most likely never see her again. What matters is that my heart touched another heart and we were both comforted.

I've thought for many years that my basic life priorities were pretty good, that I was pretty much on target. Of course, there are always adjustments, always blind spots, and always new things to learn. But my hospital stay, and the realization that I was near death when I was rolled into surgery, have adjusted some of my priorities. Some of the changes I can talk about, others are gut-level reactions that happen at the oddest times, or so it seems to me. My new priority for my life is the quality of my daily living. Am I making the most of the moments that I have before me? Am I taking care of myself? Am I finding a balance of work and fun? Am I open, and is my heart available to the hearts of other people, even strangers? I'm sure you will find me writing about these changes over time as I continue this blog.

My parting thought for you: Are you taking care of yourself? Do you live a daily life where you are being the person that you want to be, where you are balancing the demands placed on you? As you wrestle to figure out how to do this, know that I am over here doing the same thing.

Sick of Being Sick

I'm having a hard time being patient with myself. I'm not a very good sick person. I'm usually so busy and so productive and so full of new ideas that this whole thing of laying around, being too tired to do much more than sleep, and not even feeling like talking with people is really frustrating me. To make it worse, my Dad is starting to complain that I'm napping too much, and that I shouldn't have been so weak tonight to cry when I was in pain. So when I'm being honest with myself, crying when I feel the need for that release, or napping when I'm too exhausted to keep going, now I've got to defend myself. He means well. But I told my Mom this was going on and asked he to talk to him about not trying to manage me so much. I expect that he didn't like hearing me cry because it hurts him to hear me cry, and not for the bullshit reason he gave me to stop crying. It's not like I spend my day wiping my face with tissues. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself -- in fact, I drive myself harder than anyone else. Hmmmm maybe I learned this little "trick" from my Dad while growing up.

I don't mean to complain about my living arrangement. I'm damn grateful that I have a place to be where people love me and want to help me. I would have made it work if I was living alone at home, but my goodness this is so much easier on me. I know in my heart, though, that I won't be really back to normal, back to myself, until I'm back home, sleeping in my own bed, and living my own life again. But for now, I'm learning to be more patient with myself (and with my Dad) and to listen, really listen, to what my body is telling me. I've been so driven, so productive, especially in the last year, that I've not heard a lot of messages from my own body. Even with the great health project/goal I've undertaken, and even with the fabulous success I've had, I can see today that I'm learning even more about how to live a healthy lifestyle while I'm recovering from my surgery. Not to mention the time I've spent thinking about what happened to me over the last 6 weeks.

Like most people, I learned my eating habits in my childhood, so you might imagine that being back at home, Snack Heaven as I've started calling it, has been quite a challenge for me. At first I completely resisted the snacks, mostly because I didn't have much appetite. But as I'm exercising more and getting stronger, I've started to discover that my morning fruit salad doesn't seem quite as special or delicious compared to the breakfast junk food that literally covers one part of the kitchen counter. I'm finding that my taste for unhealthy, high point and low nutrition foods has returned very quickly. While I had said that I wasn't going to worry about points, the last two days I've made a real effort to eat as close to healthy as I can. I'm going to give my mom a grocery list tomorrow for her next trip, and I hope by the middle of the week to really be back on Weight Watchers. The temptations are strong here, and if I don't get some healthy stuff around me, I really will start to gain back some of my lost weight. It will take a bit of willpower and determination, but I'm still as committed to my goal of creating a healthy lifestyle TODAY as I was when I first started this journey... and perhaps a bit more since my recent illness. It's a little sooner than I had thought because I'm not feeling great yet, but I can't ignore the fact that I've noticed that I'm choosing snack foods when they are offered to me. Time to reign things in and follow my heart again.

Thanks for bearing with me during my recovery process. I wish I had more to say, I wish I had more interesting things to say, and I wish I had more encouraging things to say. I'm hanging in there, and I hope that some of you are finding something honest and helpful in what I'm experiencing.

Pushing Myself, Maybe Too Much

On Sunday, I was walking laps inside my parent's house which got really boring. I don't like a treadmill -- I like to get out and walk the streets of my neighborhood. So, I decided that I would take a walk around my parent's house. I ended up walking around the block, which I found out later was just under one mile. Way too far for my first real walk. About 2/3 of the way around, I realized my mistake and decided that I should be taking a cell phone with me so I can call for help if I need it. I made it fine, walking very slowly. But when I reached my parent's front sidewalk, and had to step up one step, my whole leg quivered and I knew I had pushed too far. I immediately went inside, confessed my indiscretion to my parents, promised to take a cell phone in the future, and TOOK A NAP.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday, so the whole family was here tonight. I was way too tired for all of that activity with my four neices and nephews, my bro and sis, and the in-laws. I had to take a break in my bedroom in the middle of it all -- too much noise, too much activity, too much conversation. I don't even take every phone call that comes in for me! So it was a big day, a huge day, and I'm looking forward to having both parents go to work tomorrow and have some real quiet time, at least in the morning.

I do have some unofficial news for you. While I had lost a lot of weight in the hopsital, according to my parent's scales, I've now lost 50.5 pounds. Since I'm not really resuming Weight Watchers for at least another week, I realize I may actually gain a bit this week. But I'm just so glad to be breathing in and out, and glad to be eating solid foods (after three weeks of full liquids), and glad to have an appetitite, that I'm not one bit worried about what will happen to my weight before I resume my program.

Chapter 3

Thanks for bearing with me. I am trying to pull the story together and I've noticed that I'm not telling it in chronological order. If I repeat myself, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be expedient, but I'm not fully myself these days.

In the midst of waiting for the muscle relaxers to work, my friend Christine, the massage therapist who was working on me, recommended another doctor that she adores, and so I went to see him. He's also an ND (Naturopath), and he gave me a series of homeopathic injections in the sore area around my buttocks which had started to develop. I liked him, but overall, I didn't think this treatment was accomplishing anything. The sore spot continued to grow until I had something that I called a boil on my backside.

By the time I got to my second appointment with my regular doc, he took one look at my "boil" and told my friend to take me to the ER because it was more than he could take care of in his office. Not being familiar with the hospitals in my area, I took my friend's recommendation of Phoenix Baptist without asking any questions. I was in too much pain to argue, anyway. We arrived about 2 pm, and went through the usual ER waiting room stuff. Except that this one woman insisted that I sit on this hard white plastic wheelchair. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't even get all the way down. She argued with me, that other people with similar problems have been able to use the chair, like I was just being uncooperative. My solution was to lay face down on the waiting room floor in front of a row of empty chairs. It was the only option available to me. After a few minutes, a nurse came and got me and put me into a bed in the back. It didn't change my position in the triage, but I was much more comfortable. I was grateful to be shown this compassion.

After a while, a sort of technician came to work on me. He wasn't a doc, and honestly, I'm not sure if he was a nurse or what. He was friendly, and I learned that he had been working in that ER for just over 20 years. He apologized that he couldn't give me much in the way of pain relief, and that he would have to lance and drain my "boil." Yep, I screamed. A lot. I asked him to give me a wet towel to bite and I grabbed to the underside of the bed with both arms so I wouldn't move around on him. The pain was horrible, but it didn't last that long, maybe 10 minutes of working on me. Then, other people came by, and I left with prescriptions for antibiotics and pain killers, and instructions to see my family doctor in two days for a follow up. I was never so glad for pain pills in my life.

Tired, will write more later.

Today's update: I'm alone in the house for a few minutes (they don't leave me alone much) and I went for a walk. My brother lives 2 doors down from my parents, and I walked down there. I was hoping that he would be home so I could rest a bit, but no one was there. I had to turn around and walk back. I was so tired about half way back, I thought I was going to have to sit down along the road for a minute, but I made it all the way without stopping. Total walking distance: perhaps 200 yards.

Chapter 2

In the middle of August, I was feeling tired and knew something was off. I thought I needed rest. What was actually wrong with me didn't make itself obvious for quite a long time, so there was a series of explorations and, quite honestly, missteps in treating me, causing the delays that actually put my life in danger. I want to tell the story, but I want more than anything to tell the story of the miracles that happened. The facts are not as important to me as the examples of extraordinary kindness and compassion that were showered on me during this time. So please continue to bear with me as I pull together the story for myself and share it with all of you.

I'm feeling much better every day, and today has been a very good day. I slept for almost 12 hours last night, and my day has consisted of 2 hot baths (mostly to soak my incision), a shower, some unpacking (I'm staying with my parents for my recovery), some short conversations with my nephews and sister, a short walk around the backyard, and a nap. And now a few minutes using my brain and fingers writing here.

All of these things are getting much easier because it has been several days since my IVs ended. I was receiving an antibiotic call Primaxin prescribed by an infectious diseases doctor during my hospital stay. I was on it for just over 2 weeks. While I was in the hospital, it was much easier because the nurses would just come into my room and I could basically sleep through the process, which I learned that they call an "infusion." Once I came home, it was up to me and my Mom to set the alarm for 7 am/1pm/7pm/1am, prepare the drug, and infuse myself, a process that involved saline and heperin, an blood clotting agent. Of course, if you are familiar with IVs, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not brain surgery, but for a sick person who is already exhausted, it is a bit to learn and take on at first. Once I had done about 4 of them, I was not nervous or skittish about doing them. The good thing is that each day that I'm further from the end of the drug, the clearer my mind is becoming and the easier it is for me to do complex motor tasks, like typing.

The illness revealed itself slowly, showing symptoms that lead me in many other directions. If I had known from the start what was wrong, I would have acted very differently... but at the time, and given my bent towards natural and wholistic medicine, I made the best choices I could at the time. Mistakes were made. But fortunately, there was enough time left at the end that they could save my life.

You can see from my journal entries in the middle of August, I wasn't doing well. I thought I was working too much, and had been working too hard too long without a break. All of that was true, but it wasn't a factor in what was going on inside of me. My first real symptom was that I realized my hips were out of alignment. I knew this because when I would lay on my bed and move, they would pop and crack a bit. Then, I started to feel some pressure in my colon right above my hips. I thought the two were related. I suddenly found that I couldn't sit down without pain. I could only lay on my stomach across my bed. By Saturday morning, Augusut 17th, I knew things were serious, but still just through I had a back/hip alignment problem that was impacting my colon. Early that morning, I called my yoga teacher to ask for some advice. She recommended a natual product that would help my colon to relax, and offered to have one of her early morning students drop a few capsules at my front door about 9 am.

About 9 my doorbell rang, and there stood a woman I had never met. She not only dropped off the pills, she came in to help me for a few hours, and ended up staying for a week. Her name is Mirna and even though she is flesh and blood and has her own life problems, to me, she will always be an angel. She would fix me a breakfast of fresh fruit every morning, my Weight Watchers routine, and would bring me various soups and other liquids throughout the day. I had put myself on a liquid diet until the colon issue resolved, thinking it would make things easier. Meanwhile, I started calling my doc's pager service. I never got a returned call the whole weekend (which later really upset my doc, but more on that later) and I continued to lay across my bed for two more days, waiting for Monday morning when I hoped to get an emergency appointment. Mirna never left my side during this time. My hip got worse, my stomach pain got worse, and the capsules didn't seem to help. The only position that didn't put me into immediate sharp pain was to lay on my stomach. Even laying on my side or back was nearly impossible for more than a few minutes at a time.

Monday morning, I reached my doc's office and they fit me into their schedule for later that morning (the 19th). I've written about that visit in Chapter 1. During the next few days, my colon pain got worse, and my body got more tense, even with the muscle relaxers. I had a friend come by daily to massage me to help my body to relax. I was determined to do anything I could think of to help this situation to clear up.

Getting tired, will have to write more later.

Chapter 1

My story is very long and my energy level is still very low, so I'm going to try to post bits of it every few days.

First, let me say that the 8 months or so I spent on Weight Watchers improving my overall health has been a big factor in my nearly miraculous recovery. At one point, while in the hospital, I had lost another 15 pounds, but that was due to the illness and surgery. I haven't officially weighed myself since the last posting on my weight progress chart. And I don't plan to do so for several more weeks, because right now getting my health and strenght back is more important than points. Althought I am somewhat watching them, and am eating very healthy.

It's strange to me to see that my post on the 15th was about my illness. I scheduled my first doctor appointment for the following Monday, bear with me because I am having a lot of trouble with numbers (thanks to the drugs I'm on). By that time, I had a pain in my lower intestine, almost like being constipated but different. And my hip and back were out of alignment -- I could hardly stand up and couldn't sit down. By the 15th, I was only sitting up for short spells, and spent most of my time laying across my bed on my stomach.

A friend took me to that first doctor appointment (the friend's help is one of the many miracles I'll tell you about later), and the doc gave me pain pills and muscle relaxers so he could adjust my spine and hips a few days later. He's a naturopath, and ND, and I adore him and natuorpathic medicine. During those few days, I kept getting worse. I had someone come to give me some massages to help me to relax so my doc could fix me. But nothing was working. When I went back to the doc, I was still a mass of tight muscless and he couldn't adjust me. At that time, we thought that was all that was wrong, and that the intestine problem was related to my hips being so out of whack.

During my entire illness, I have received help from real friends and total strangers, receiving more help and compassion and information that I ever believed was possible. I've always worked to be self reliant, so being ill and helpless was a tough experience for me, teaching me a lot about what is important in life and surprising me so much by the kindness of other people. It's made me realize that I don't have to live my whole life like such a warrior -- that I can ask for help and I can work with other people to fill in the places where I'm not so strong. This may sound simplistic, but after laying for two weeks across my bed, being fed and assisted with every little thing by other people, I am forever changed.

Gettting very tired... ending for today.

What's Up

Hello cyber friends and visitors. I've not posted because I've been very sick. I've been in the hospital and I nearly died two weeks ago. I'm doing much better, I've glad to be alive and have have home health care nurses here in and out all day. My mom in Ohio dropped everything to come out and take care of me.

My illness is NOT related to my dieting. I'm exhausted writing just this, but I promise to write more of this story as I have the energy. I can't retrieve emails yet, so please don't write to me. I am still gratefully breathing and present on this planet. Remember me in your heart or your prayers

Week 32
One Sick Puppy

Yup, that's me. I'm sick, have been since the weekend. Nothing serious, mostly it is like the flu with a low grade fever, with some other symptoms just to keep things interesting. I've been thinking that I should go swimming tomorrow afternoon, mostly to get the creaks out of my body by floating in the water. The bathtub just isn't deep enough! And in Phoenix, this time of year, the pool will be like a hot bathtub, only with chlorine instead of bath salts. I can take it.

The Mango Treats (see below) were a great hit these last few days. Wonderful idea. I'm going to try to make up some more in the next week or so.

Otherwise, if you aren't seeing posts here or at Trivium or Glimpse, it's because I'm sleeping most of the day. And having some weird dreams, but I'm blaming them on the fever.

Later!

Week 32
Extremely Optimistic!

Those of you who are struggling through personal changes, whether you are working to lose weight, quit smoking, or any other personal improvement project, you know how discouraging it can be to go through a time of setbacks. I'm feeling very happy today, not just because of my weigh loss yesterday. This morning, my normal weigh-in day, I went into the kitchen and saw the scales still sitting on the floor, and hopped on. I didn't expect any change from yesterday, so imagine my JOY when I realized I'd lost another pound. I'm not recording this weight, so that additional loss isn't official (at least not until next week) but it is enough to make me a very happy camper tonight. Very happy.

So, tonight I decided to make my own treats up. When I was at the grocery, I purchased this items as my variation on a Weight Watcher's recipe I found this week for ice cream sandwiches. Here it is:

Ingredients:
30 ginger snaps
1/2 c mango sorbet

Instructions:
1. Warm 1/2 c sorbet enough to scoop.
2. Scoop 1 tbs of sorbet on a cookie and top with another cookie.
3. Place in freezer bag and place in freezer until firm, at least one hour.

Servings: 5 (3 sandwiches) Points: 3

Tip: To reduce the points even further, select cookies that are lower in points.

Week 32

WONDERFUL NEWS: I'VE LOST AGAIN!

I wasn't planning to weigh myself until tomorrow, but I thought that I would check and see what direction things are going today, and I got such good news that I decided to make it official. After 5 weeks of floundering, of weight gains and lost focus, and even before I had really sat down to think all of this through -- I've got a 1.5 pound weigh loss. That puts me about where I was on week 28, and 1/2 pound from my lowest weight to date.

I think the tide has turned.

One thing I've been doing this week is forcing myself to drink water. I put a 20 oz glass in the bathroom, and every time I stop in, I've forced myself to fill it and drink it. Needless to say, that has caused me to return to the bathroom more times than usual during the day, which means I've been drinking A LOT thes last few days. And with the summer heat in Phoenix, this is a good thing so I can avoid even a bit of dehydration, not to mention that I think it has had a positive effect on how my body has been working.

I still need to take some time to think about the lack of focus and get myself refocused, and I've scheduled some time for that on Friday afternoon, out of the office. I'll let you know what I discover during this time.

But in the meantime, I'm thrilled.

Week 31
Taking This Very Seriously

I still seem to be in a plateau, and I sense that I'm doing/not doing things that are contributing to it. This is more than just a normal physical phase I'm going through -- it's involving my thoughts and emotions. Like I said in an earlier post, I seem to have lost my focus. I've lost my appetite, too. I'm not eating nearly enough. Isn't that strange? I'm forcing myself to drink most of my water each day.

I am not sure what is happening, but I'm taking this very seriously. I'm not skating through it with an "oh well" attitude. I'm not sure what I need to do. I thought tonight about the idea of returning to meetings, and I might do that. I'll decide next week. But I suspect that I just need to really sit myself down and examine my goals again, and decide again that this is the route I'm committed to taking. Maybe I'll learn something about what I'm resisting through this process. Maybe I'll have a new revelation.

I'm totally swamped with work right now, and will be for about another week. I don't want to ignore what is going on, but at the same time, I've got enough on me right now without adding to it. I'm going to hit the grocery this afternoon and get enough good stuff that is easy to fix to get me through this deadline crunch, and then, I'm going to take a day off and work this out.

In an interesting note, I found the most wonderful recipe on the Weight Watchers site today. I'm not sure if they will let the link work, but I've tried. I don't have the time to fix it this week, but who knows... maybe the day that I take off for myself and my goal setting could start off with this wonderful breakfast.

Week 31
Stages of Change

Well, I am a bit low on points, but overall, its' been a good food day. I don't feel like my focus is back, but then, I'm not so worried about how I feel. As long as I act according to the plan, the feelings will eventually come around. Feelings come and go, but action is where a lifestyle happens. Healthy actions = healthy lifestyle, even when things are in a slump. I've had a lot of pressure on me these last few weeks, and will for another two weeks. So I suspect that my feelings are being influenced by this. All I can do is keep going, and do my best to remember what it felt like when things were in focus.

Many years ago (more than 10), I ran across some information about changes, the stages that a person goes through during any change. I used to teach this in my journal writing workshops, and I have used it at work on every single project I've ever done. I don't know who came up with this idea to give them credit. I got this idea from someone else, but I've made it my own.

Stages of Change

1. Unconsious Incompetence The first stage of every change happens before you make any change. You are going along, life as normal, not knowing that you need to make a change, or that a change is around the next corner.
   
2. Consious Incompetence The second stage of every change is that awkward time when you are painfully aware that something is wrong, but you don't yet know what to do with it. You don't know how to solve the problem or what to do. You may need additional information, and you are in the process of deciding what course of action to take.
   
3. Consious Competence The third state of any change is the time when you are focusing on your new ideas and new skills, and stumbling a bit as you use them. It takes your ongoing effort for you to keep fighting your old ways to make the change happen. You must catch yourself doing your old behavior or thinking your old thoughts so you can decide to do your new thoughts and behaviors. This is the time when your old habits are being broken down, and your new habits feel awkward. Hang in there -- things will get better!
   
4. Unconsious Competence The last stage of any change is the successful completion of the change. You recognized a problem, you resolved it, and you have learned the new skills, information and habits you need to go back to just living your life without thinking about this change. Thanks to your work in the third stage, your new behavior has become a habit. Hurray!

For a while, I've been in stage 3, where my new healthy lifestyle habits are being formed, and they are replacing my old unhealthy habits. It's hard to tell, sometimes, when things are easier because you are backsliding, or things are easier because you have worked hard and now the new habits are really kicking in. In both situations, you may feel good, things feel easy. But one is a healthy place to be, and the other, well, the other needs more work and attention.

Some part of my new lifestyle are still in stage 3, and a few have really graduated to stage 4. I suspect that the overall length of time to make this huge change and to be totally out of stage 3 is longer than the 31 weeks I've been doing this. I don't know how long it will take me, and I think this will be different for everyone. But what is important, I think, is to understand where you are in the change process, and to understand that all of this takes time. After all, I didn't put the weight on in 31 weeks... and it would be unreasonable for me to expect to have my healthy lifestyle completed in a short time.

Week 31
Starting To Figure It Out

After two consecutive weeks with gains, I'm very pleased to announce that I've gained 0 pounds this week! I've also lost 0 pounds this week. And I'm happy about it.

It's been a month now since I've had a weight loss, and I can tell you, something is very different these last weeks. It's not just the results, something in my thinking is also different. I've lost my focus on my goal. I've been eating just to stop feeling hungry, not to create a balanced meal that meets my body's real needs. Not all of the time, and I'm not eating horrible things. But I've not been on target in my head, the target being a healthy lifestyle. Food and eating have been a hinderance, an annoyance, to the rest of my schedule. I have to tell you, that is part of the attitude that got me into this mess in the first place. So it isn't surprising that the old way of thinking has found a way back into my life.

I am going to think and write more about this later, because I believe it is important for me to understand this part of me better. Taking care of myself isn't some annoying thing that I have to do before I can do the things I really want to do. Taking care of myself is part of joy of daily living, at least that is what it used to be, and what I want it to be. Whether that is grooming, or even keeping my household running smoothly, all of these things are vital and important for my lifestyle.

I'm just grateful that I've realized what is going on inside my head. And I'm grateful that I didn't gain any more last week. I'm going to get past this roadblock, and keep making my life into what I want it to be. That's my promise to myself. I'm not giving up, I'm not throwing in the towel (that beautiful red Ralph Lauren towel, that is!), and I'm not letting a little hurdle break my stride.

More soon!

Week 31
Dieting News

I've just been out reading at Big Fat Blog, and boy, do they have some interesting articles. If you haven't been there, or haven't been there for a while, I think you will enjoy your reading time.

Week 30
A Reward Idea

I'm going to spill the beans... I've got an idea for a new reward for when I reach my goal. It's something that I have honestly never considered doing before, and in fact, it is something that I used to think only, ahem, rednecks did. (I'm sorry if my use of such a term offends someone!) I'm considering getting a tattoo on my bod, a small piece of body art in a place that I've not seen for years because of all of the extra weight. I haven't decided for sure, but the idea is getting more and more attractive all the time to me. I'm not even sure what I would put on me, but I'm thinking something small and meaningful, like maybe a small butterfly to symbolize the transformation aspect of my reaching my goal.

No decision will be made about this until I actually reach my goal. But if I do it, I'll post a pic here, I promise!

Week 30
Catching Up

It's late, but I want to post just a few things:

Veggie burgers -- YUM! I loved them... I only have 1 pattie left and plan to eat that one tomorrow. I'm going to try the other brands recommended by visitors, but even these Gardenburger Mushroom I loved.

Today's points: way below again. If you read here, you know that I have spent plenty of time wanting to eat more, but that wanting was more of a nervous kind of eating, not about hunger. Right now, I seem to be eating when hungry. I'm grateful for that! So my plan to eat more at breakfast didn't work today, but I'm going to keep trying. It's hard for me to want to eat much in the morning -- a little bit and I'm happy. Maybe I will try to add a mid-morning snack instead of eating it all at once.

Water consumption is still below what it should be, what it used to be. I'm working on this, too.

Working all weekend, taking Monday off.

One last thing -- I encouraged Debbie at Rites of Passage to reward herself for small goals along the way. She asked for some suggestions. Here is a reposting of my comment with some ideas of things that I do for myself.

Hey, glad to give you some starters. I try to avoid money rewards, just because I don't want to replace ONE kind of problem with another (debt)!

What I treat myself with:

A long soak in the tub, with nice smelling stuff, time to really apply lots of lotion, maybe even a facial mask, a few pages of a good book... A sort of mini-spa.

A trip window shopping for beautiful things. I like to spend a few hours walking in the galleries in Scottsdale... the art is way to expensive to even consider buying, but it is beautiful and it gives my heart a lift.

I slip away to a favorite coffeeshop with great atmosphere and drink a TEA (iced in the summer) and write in my journal. And watch people. And listen to live music, usually a guy playing acoustic guitar.

I slip away for a couple hour drive alone in my truck. Since I live in the center of a huge metro area, it takes a while on the highway to reach the open desert. So I drive for an hour or so, stop, get a drink, walk around, take some pictures, and drive back. Nothing relaxes me more than being able to see all the way to the horizon! The wonderful Arizona scenery is just icing on the cake.

New used book shopping. We have a wonderful used book store here, and I will go through my bookshelf and pull out some books that I won't read again, and I trade them in for store credit. I can usually take in a few books and swap them for a few different ones at the store. New books, and they are FREE! Love it. And I have a few hours of looking at things that are interesting -- I skim through a bunch of books before selecting the ones that will go home with me.

Make a short list of things that make you happy, it can be anything simple, and then schedule a bit of it.

Week 30
What I'm Learning

This has been an interesting week thanks to the things I'm learning about my eating from my online Weight Watchers journal. Well, maybe just one big thing: I'm not eating enough. Every day this week, I've had 7 or more points left over at the end of the day, some days as high as 10 or more. What's up with this? And have I always been under points? I suspect that being under would be a reason why my weight loss has been slighly slower, and I suspect it is a factor in my recent plateau (which I hope is now over).

I'm a bit shocked to realize that I need to eat more points. I mean, I've always thought that the reason I put on the weight was because I either a) ate too much, or b) ate things that were too point laden. I don't have any way to know about the past, except for the past two weeks, and I can tell you that I haven't reached the top of my goal points any day during this time.

I'm not holding back, I'm not starving myself to try to lose faster. In fact, I'm not recording most of my food intake until the end of the day, so I don't even know I'm under until the day is over. There isn't any chance I'm forgetting things. I believe I'm getting a totally accurate point count.

So, knowing this, what am I going to do now?

First, I'm going to beef up my breakfast eating. I've been averaging 2 points each morning, and loving my breakfast. But of all my meals, breakfast has the fewest points by far. I'm not sure right now what I will switch to, but a change is needed.

Second, I'm going to make sure that I only have one salad a day. Sure, they are great, tasty, and filling, but they are low in points. Maybe I can start adding some goopy stuff, like cheese or avacado to them, to bulk them up a bit without increasing the size. Eating avacado would hardly be a hardship!

Third, I'm going to look back at what I used to eat, and see if there is anything that I eliminated from my meals that I might want to bring back. Pizza will be an option when it is cooler outside, and it is high in points. But until then... I don't know. I'll think about it.

What a strange "problem" to have. I thought only recovering anorexics and actors preparing for unusual roles had to force feed themselves! But here I am, an unlikely member of that group. But this is only a slight adjustment for me, not an all-out pigfest.

Week 30
Surprise -- Bad News

When I weighed in the last time, after my bad Sunday, I had a problem with the place where I record my weight. So I couldn't actually record it then. I thought I knew what I was talking about when I said I had a zero loss. In reality, it turns out that I had a 1.5 pound gain. And today, when I weighed myself, I had another 1/2 pound gain.

I'm surprised. Not so much with last week, because I knew I had blown it. And I have eaten out a lot since then, and had trouble that night with bread sticks. But I didn't expect to have a gain this week.

I have been feeling a bit plateaued lately, but until today I didn't KNOW that I was on one. It's probably a really good thing that I've been doing so much work on my journaling since signing up on e-tools. Remember that I had a feeling that if I would tighten up just a bit, I would resume my weight loss? Well, that was right on, and it is a bit strange now to realize that I had just started a plateau when I felt that.

I'm not worried about gaining 2 pounds in the grand scheme of things. These have not been my best two weeks. I am a bit surprised to realize that what I was doing caused a gain because apart from that bad Sunday, I thought everything was going fine. One thing I have noticed is that I've been slacking off on the water, so for the last few days I've been drinking a lot of it.

On the very positive side, I've been eating a lot of salad, not because I thought I should, but because I wanted them. Yep, I think I'm becoming a real salad eater in the last couple of months. That is a good thing, and a real sign to me that my lifestyle change is really happening. My taste in foods is changing. I'm starting to really like healthy things. All of this is very good news, and very encouraging to me.

So, now that I know things have been in the crapper for a couple of weeks, what am I going to do? Nothing special, just follow the program to the letter for a while, to make sure that any sloppiness or laziness disappears from my daily living. Heck, in a good week I'll lose that 2 pound gain, and very soon I know I'll be reporting weekly weight LOSSES again. Maybe as soon as next week.

As I look over my weight loss chart, I can see the the pace of my weight loss has really dropped off since I stopped going to meetings. Coincidence? Probably not. It's not that the meetings were so magical, because I was bored with most of them. But I think that since I stopped going, I've also slipped into a way of living where my food hasn't had the same kind of attention as before. That's what I mean by sloppiness and laziness in my daily living. I think it is time for me to really recommit to my goals, and resume my former diligence about food matters.

I also notice that my weight loss slow down also coincides with the last issue of The Skinny. Another coincidence? Probably not. I think writing those newsletter was helping ME more than I realized. I'll see how my schedule looks, and resume them ASAP.

I Can Do It -- And You Can Do It

It takes a lot of work to change your life, not just changing your weight. Any personal change takes work and commitment. And yet, it seems that the smallest bit of effort I made very quickly snowballs so that a little effort really has a pretty big effect. Watching myself change my body has given me a sense of personal power that has been wonderful. As you know from my posts here, I've been amazed at the feeling I've had that I can take on any project, that I can make any change in my life. I really believe that is true. Not only can I take myself to my goal weight (whatever that is!) but I can make other changes in my life. Just because I have never been successful in this area before doesn't mean that I can't make my life into what I want. I'm willing to do the work to get there, and I'm willing to stand firm when the going is tough, because I believe in my heart that I can do this. And I am doing it. This is just a minor course adjustment now. I'm back on track, and expecting great things over the next weeks and months.

Week 30
Wonderful New Recipe

I eat a lot of chicken. And this week, I found a new recipe at the Weight Watchers site that involved chicken with two of my favorite things: tequila and jalapenos. I've modified the recipe only slightly. It was so delicious, I'm glad that I made enough for another meal.

Tequila & Jalapeno Chicken Salad
Adapted from a recipe found on the Weight Watcher's website

Ingredients:
2 4oz chicken breasts, boned and skinned
1/4 red onion, chopped
1 medium jalapeno, seeded and chopped
2 garlic clove
1 tsp brown sugar
1 tsp olive oil
2 tbsp tequila
1/8 cup lime juice
[note: the remaining ingredients can be substituted with whatever salad fixings you like]
4 lettuce leaves
2 cup spring salad mix, fresh or from a bag
2 mushrooms
2 tbsp parmesean cheese
1/2 carrot sliced thin

Directions:
1. Add all ingredients except chicken and a small portion of the onion into a blender or food processor and blend into a puree.
2. Cut chicken breasts into bite sized pieces. Add puree and chicken to a container with a lid, making sure to cover the chicken with the marinade. Refrigerate several hours.
3. Remove chicken from marinate and throw away marinade.
4. Place chicken on grill and cook thoroughly.
5. While chicken is cooking, make up the salads. Add chicken to the top and serve.

Serves: 2 approximately 5 points per serving

Just a reminder: be careful handling raw chicken. Be sure to wash any utensils and the cutting board before using them for anything else. Also, you can't use the left over marinade for anything else, so make sure to throw it away.

Week 30
Oh, The Pressure

I'm sneaking a break online when I should be doing client work. It is so funny to feel like I'm sneaking, since I'm working from my home office, wearing PJs, and haven't been out of the house for two days. It is just the overwhelming sense that I have DEADLINES and that I'm behind... it makes me feel like I don't deserve to take 30 minutes out of my day to read the blogs and post. Of course I can find 30 minutes in my whole day. But I woke up late, and that started me off feeling behind, and I really AM behind of my client project, and I have other things that must be done very quickly or else there will be consequences. I'm strapped, and there is no relief in sight for a couple of weeks at least.

With everything on my mind, I keep forgetting to weigh in. I'll try to remember tomorrow morning. Maybe I should go downstairs now and pull the scales out from beside the fridge and leave it laying on the floor where I can't miss it when I go to get my breakfast and feed the kitty. (I wonder if that would actually work...)

Even with this stress, I have been taking the time to keep my food journal at WeightWatchers.com. It's going faster now that most of my food choices are already entered as favorites. I banked three points yesterday. I've got dinner marinating right now... another WW receipe. Tequilla / Jalapeno Chicken. I'm going to grill the chicken and then cut it up and put it over a huge salad. A bit of honey mustard dressing for some zing. I can't wait.

Oh, and I tried something interesting last night. Along with my lamb chop with kiwi mint sauce, I had french cut green beans from a can. I really like the fresh, but I knew that I didn't have that much time this week. So, to make the canned stuff taste better, I sprinkled in some lemon pepper, and added 1/8 tsp of ground corriander. It was fabulous! It added just a hint of new flavor to the beans, which normally have a canned veggie taste. Think about adding a bit of seasoning to make any packaged food taste just a bit better, a bit more interesting than straight from the can or box. I picked corriander because it went with the rest of my meal. And I love lemon pepper, and key lime pepper, too.

I think tomorrow's lunch may be a veggie burger!

Week 30
Trying New Things

It was an interesting week last week, and it is shaping up to be another interesting week this week, but for a different reason. Last week, I ended up eating out A LOT. For someone who hasn't been eating out, not even once a week, I did a tour de force on Phoenix restaurants last week. I made good choices, had some challenges (garlic bread!) and generally had a great time at every meal. But this week, I've got groceries and new receipes (thanks to WeightWatchers.com) and I'm ready to experiment.

Last week, I read an article on the WW site about alternatives to hotdogs and hamburgers, which I found very interesting. I haven't been eating anything like that at home, but of course, my occasional fast food meal is always a high points burger. I thought that maybe I could find a way to introduce burgers into my regular meal plans, and maybe avoid fast food altogether. What really surprised me is that the vegetarian burgers were so low. I'm not a vegetarian, and I enjoy eating meat, but I've also been exposed to some of the vegetarian burger substitutes, and I like them. To me, they are not a replacement for meat, but another type of sandwich all together. So over the weekend I bought a box of frozen garden burgers and I'm going to try them this week at home on my Foreman grill. I'll let you know how I like them.

One other interesting note: My red Ralph Lauren towel hangs by itself on a towel rack on the back of my bathroom door. I've been feeling so thin the last few days that I decided to try on the towel again. There is some change, as I expected, but nothing dramatic yet. So I'm thinking that I'll redo the pictures again in mid-September. The towel won't fit then, but the gap should be nearly closed. It's exciting!

Week 30
Adjusting To e-Tools

So far, my experiment with the Weight Watchers e-tools has been interesting, and successful. Some day, I haven't kept the journal, either because it was too much work or because I had eaten out and didn't have an exact point count for my meal. It's taking a while to get my regular foods entered into my journal, but I've been pleasantly surprised at the number of brand name items in their database. Once I get everything in once, it will be much faster as time goes on.

The strange thing, though, is that I've been carrying food cartons upstairs to my office so I can sit with them in front of the computer. I've filled up my office trash can with them! It's not a bad thing, just a bit weird to have food packaging out of the kitchen. I may need to get a larger trash container for the office if this keeps up. A small adjustment.

Week 30
My Body Feels Different

The last week, I've been experiencing the most unusual sensations. Things that caught my attention, but that I couldn't figure out. My arms, my sides, even my hips, but mostly around my waist. And then, last night I got it -- I'm feeling thinner! But how exactly does "thinner" feel from the inside? I'll try to explain. When I twist from the waist, I no longer have so much stomach and back, so what used to feel like part of me twisting inside the rest of me, now is feeling like all of me is twisting. When I move my arms around, picking things up, etc, I feel skin touching, making contact, where before they are always in contact. It's an amazing thing, actually. When I run my hands over my sides or back or legs, for example, I can feel the muscle and bone are much closer to the surface than they used to be.

This has been a miraculous discovery. After all of these weeks and more than 40 pounds, I suddenly FEEL different from the inside out. What a great thing!

Week 29
Setting Goals

As my regular visitors know, I've avoided setting goals for myself. I've really focused on the process of being healthy, and let the outcome work itself out. Except for my red towel goal, I've not set one for myself. I've not even set a goal weight, although I do have a general idea of the ballpark I expect to land in. I'm going to let my body work that out for me. I'll know the goal when I reach it -- that is my philosophy.

Well, I was doing some thinking the other night, thinking about where I've been and how I'm doing. I started doing some simple math, and I figured out approximately what my weight could be around the time I travel home for the holidays. I remembered the size that I wore the last time I weighted that amount. And somehow, in the midst of all that thinking and simple math, I came up with a goal. I believe that around Christmas I will be able to wear a size 18. Now, that isn't exactly a "normal" size, since they end at 16 for most clothing lines. But it does mean that I will be in that gray area between the regular size clothes and plus sized clothes. THAT got me all excited. And I realized that when I am able to wear a size 18, all of the clothes in my closet will be way too baggy to keep wearing. THAT was exciting, also! About that size is when I'm going to have to really buy clothes -- until then I've got enough things, even if they are a bit baggy, to keep me going. Except for underwear -- baggy panties tend to fall right off, and I don't want THAT to happen. I'm not going to buy many clothes until I reach the goal, and I'm going to try to buy things that will work even when they are a bit baggy.

The other thing that has me really excited is realizing that next spring, all of the clothes I own today will be gone, and my closets and drawers will be empty, holding only the new things. I've had overflowing closets for year because of the range of sizes I've had to keep as my weight changed back and forth a bit over the years. I can't wait to have nearly empty closets! I'm sure I'll fill them up soon enough, but I'm going to enjoy the extra space as long as I can.

Week 29
Eating Out -- A Lot!

Since January, I've cooked nearly every meal I've eaten. It's been fun. But the last week, I've eaten out so many meals, sometime both lunch and dinner in the same day. My social life is quite busy right now, and I'm enjoying it. But I'm also make excellent meal choices in restaurants. Well, with one exception. I was at an Italian place last night, and the garlic bread sticks were to die for. And they were sitting way to close to my plate. I ate 5 of them, way more than I should have. I'm doing great with chips and salsa at the Mexican places, but the garlic breadsticks did me in a bit.

I'm doing a combination of things at these restaurants. First, I'm making sure that I'm making good choices. But second, I'm trying to eat some foods that either I don't know how to make, or they are dangerous things for me to have around. Like the breadsticks last night. Even though I blew it a bit, it was much safer to have them in a restaurant than to buy some and make them at home. At home, I'm afraid I would have eaten them all! I also shared a desert the other night, so I got to have a few bites of something delicious, which is a great way to incorporate these things into my life.

At my new favorite Mexican place, On the Border, I have found a lunch special called a Border Plate which gives me half of a spinach and mushroom quesidilla with a big salad. With a bit of dressing on the side, it is more than enough for lunch, and lets me eat yummy foods. The spinach is overflowing and wonderful! (I used to love Popeye cartoons as a kid, and my mom used to get me to eat my spinach "like Popeye..." and it worked.) At some places, I've cut a line through my entre and only eated the portion I separated. I've gotten a to-go box for the rest, and enjoyed it another time.

I'm looking forward to a BIG grocery trip tomorrow to stock up on some new fruit. But I'm eating very well this week, thanks for asking!

Week 29
What Wisdom Can I Find Inside Myself?

I'm feeling pretty blah these days. There doesn't seem to be much going on inside my head, not much thoughtful living, just living. And I'm OK with that. I don't know why I'm so tired, either, but I've been napping a lot lately.

My bad news from Sunday, the thing that triggered so much stress and was my excuse for binge snacking -- well, that situation has turned around and I'm working again. Yes, for the same people. It's a long story, and even if you have the time to read it, I don't have the time (or the heart) to plod through it. I'm just happy to be working and being paid, with just a few "vacation days" off. I used the time well, for the most part. Except for eating. I used the anxiety to dig in and clean clean clean my house. I wiped down the woodwork. I scrubed the fridge. I vacuumed up and down the stairs, twice. I sorted a huge stack of magazines, and had three garbage bags of sorted out trash for the curb. I moved nearly everything around, rearranged the furniture a bit, and piled the couch with freshly washed and folded clothes that are too big for me. In fact, there are about 6 pieces of unwashed clothes in my house right now! A small miracle. But it feels great to have gotten so much done! The only room I didn't touch -- my office. The one room where I spend 80% of my waking hours. I'll start up here over the weekend.

Today I went out to do some window shopping for artwork for the messy office. I want to put up a collection of vintage style travel posters. I've come up with the cheapest way in the world to do this! I got the trick from looking at the artwork for sale at T.J. Maxx, Ross, and Marshalls. I've been out to my favorite online art places, AllPosters.com, Art.com, and Barewalls.com, and have started selecting the prints that might work for this room. I've got a strange set of colors I want to use: apple green, periwinkle blue, ambrosia, and orange. I'm using a rug from Target for inspiration. I'm using galvanized tin accessories. Here's the trick: I'm ordering the prints, and trimming off the borders. Then, I'm getting artist stretcher frames exactly the right size, stretching them with plain white canvas, and painting them black. Using spray adhesive, I'm mounting the prints to the canvas, and using an artist protective gel, painting over the surface. I've done a sample with a small print downstairs, and its a great look. It's MUCH cheaper than trying to frame them, even using poster frames.

While I was out, I tried a new fresh Mex style of restaurant, I forget the exact name. I drive past this place all of the time. I got a fajita style burrito, and had them hold the guacamole and cream cheese. I couldn't finish it, and it was delicious.

That's an idea... maybe some new foods would help me to feel out of my mental rut. I'll have to try some experimental cooking!

Well, I didn't exactly find any wisdom, but I do feel better after talking about my fun plans for the artwork! Maybe that is a good trick to remember, talk about something fun to feel better. Hmmm... not profound, but it worked.

Week 29
Bad Weekend -- Zero Loss

I'm glad I don't have to do the true confession thing very often. Sunday was bad day for me, I got sort of laid off. It's hard to explain, being in a freelance situation, but the money tree I was on ordered me to stop working immediately. That doesn't happen very often. And I didn't take it very well. I had a combination of bad things line up: I was out of groceries... I had bad news... and it was the day before my period. Yep, I ate horrible the whole day. Snacked my heart out. I was sick at my stomach at the end of the day, which matched the heartache I was feeling worrying about work and income. I know better than to worry, and I know better than to run out of groceries, and I know better than to binge snack. But I did all three.

The good news? Yes, there is good news. I didn't have very much dangerous stuff to eat. I went right back on my regular food plan today. And at my weigh-in, I had no change from last week, so whatever damage I did on Sunday, it wasn't horrible.

I'm not thinking too much about this. It's just a reminder to me that a) good habits are invaluable, b) I need to make sure that maintaining good habits remain a priority, and c) I can return to healthy living in an instant. Who knows, if there have been fresh fruit in the house, I might have snacked on that, which would have been even less harmful, and provided me with some valuable nutrition. At least I realized I could fix thing starting today, and haven't done any guilt tripping over it.

Bad days happen, even after 28 weeks and lots of success.

Week 28
Do I Miss The Foods I'm Not Eating?

Today, my blog buddy and Goddess of the Jodiverse posted pictures of Krispie Kremes and invited everyone to help themselves. They did look delicious, and they reminded me of my many trips across town to one of the new Krispie Kremes that opened in Phoenix a couple years ago. I used to stop by once a month or so and pick up some of them, savoring them for a couple of days. Truth be told, sometimes my entire daily food intake might be three or four donuts. But once I started WW, and I discovered how many points there are in my beloved snacks, I knew KK were part of my past.

Every so often, when I'm in the neighborhood where they are located, I think about them. I haven't been tempted to stop, but I have thought about what a delightful experience it was to eat just one of them. I always figured that I would have another one in my life. It's not like I'm recovering alcoholic who can't afford to indulge in a single drink. With the whole concept of the points system, we can still squeeze just about anything into a day's food plan, provided we are willing to make the surrounding sacrifices. I figured that rather than a whole donut, I could have a few bites, maybe a half, as a special treat. And honestly, I figured that a few bites would be enough.

So, all of this has me thinking about the foods that I no longer eat, the foods that are no longer part of my daily food options. Do I miss them? So I present to you the list of foods I've given up and how I feel about them.

• Krispie Kreme donuts -- As much as I used to love them, I can honestly say that I've never had a craving for them since giving them up. Maybe someday I'll have a few bites of one, but I really don't miss them.
  
  
• Iced cafe mocha -- When I discovered how many points are in one of these guys, it wasn't hard to say goodbye. I'm not much of a coffee drinker, and I don't even like chocolate very well. But I do believe that coffee with chocolate makes both of them taste better. It's just a taste I can live without. I might indulge in one sometime, part of a glass perhaps, but I really don't miss it.
  
  
• Bagels -- I can't tell you how many bagels I would eat in a week, 4 to 6 on average. I used to live right by an Einstein Bros. place, and love their sun-dried tomato and basil toasted with plain cream cheese. But checking in at half a day's points, it is something else that I gave up easily. While I loved the taste, I think this was a part of my eating because it was so convenient and easy. Another food I am living just fine without, thank you very much.
  
  
• Dairy Queen -- I could just list the place without being specific, but my favorite indulgence is the Blizzard. I was on a cherry kick for the last year, only getting the smallest size. But still, there are enough points to gag a horse. Another item I haven't missed, even in the Phoenix summer I haven't wanted one. I would not do this anyway. I would have a serving of sorbet from my grocery store instead. Much fewer calories and less fat per serving, and still cold and refreshing.
  
  
• Hot Tamales -- Yep, the red hot movie theatre candy was on my list of frequently consummed foods. I don't snack on any sort of candy any more, and as much as I like them, if I never have another one I won't miss them.
  

Things that I had given up but found a way to bring back in safely:

• French Toast -- I used to stop at Coco's and have their French Toast as a Sunday brunch treat, until I discovered that there are enough points for person at goal weight for a day and half. I make my own version of french toast at home now, and I love it. Especially since I add a bit of vanilla to the egg mixture, and sprinkle it with cinnamon and a small amount of real maple syrup, not the diet stuff. And then cover it with fruit. It's fabulous, and I can do it for under 10 points. It's a special treat meal I fix for myself occasionally on the weekend.
  
  
• Big Macs -- I used to eat many meals at Mickey Ds, I hate to admit. It was fast, warm, and tasty. I have had a couple of them since starting WW, on days when I was out and wasn't able to get home to fix a lunch. I've discovered that if I only eat them occasionally, like once every 6 weeks, they actually taste better to me. It's a boatload of points, ordered now without the fries and without a Coke. I chew it very slowly and savor every bite.
  
  
• Cheesecake -- I really like this stuff. Twice since starting WW, I've been to the temple of cheesecake, the Cheesecake Factory, and ordered a slice. Each time, I've eaten about 4 bites. The first bite is the most wonderful. And then I have them take the rest of it away. I don't let it sit in front of me, for fear that my hands will take on a life of their own. I've found a way to safely indulge in this one.
  
  
• peanut butter -- this used to be on my NO list, but I soon realized that it is a great source of protein, something my daily food plan was lacking. So this one has returned to my life in the form of an open sandwich usually on a half a piece of bread, something I have some days for a mid-moring snack when I've only had fruit for breakfast.
  

I really don't have any food that I want that I don't let myself have. If there was something I discovered that I wanted, and the craving didn't pass, I would indulge myself with it, in a controlled way. A few bites would probably satisfy me. In general, my philosphy is that I can eat anything I want, as long as I make the appropriate sacrifices in my daily food plan.

The other thing that I believe helps me to avoid these kinds of cravings is that I'm eating a wide variety of foods, and everything has been so tasty. I've discovered that seasonings and low points sauces really make the difference about how satisfying my food is. I am satisfied with what I'm eating every single day, and that takes away the power of cravings.

Week 28

I've lost 41.5 pounds!

Adjusting With e-Tools

You know those commercials where they flash the disclaimer messages at the bottom, things like "professional driver on closed course" and "do not attempt?" This log entry officially has one of those warning messages. And not because I'm about to do some X-treme dieting maneuvers. Becuase I'm about to confess that I don't follow all of the Weight Watchers guidelines and I don't want anyone to use me as their reason for falling off the WW bandwagon.

You might think that a person like me, a person with not one, not two, but FOUR online journals (each with a different focus) would love to keep a food journal. After all, I teach journaling workshops, I run a journal writing workshop website, and as everyone knows, I write in my online journals just about every day, even when I'm swamped with work. I seem like the kind of person DESIGNED to keep a food journal. But I don't. I don't keep a food journal.

Oh, I started out keeping one. For about the first month, I religiously wrote down everything I ate, furiously calculating the points values of every bite I took, of every container of food in my kitchen, and many of the items on my local grocery shelves. It was an educational experience. But after about a month, I got bored with it. I was writing down mostly the same things over and over, and adding new ones only after calculating and recalculating the points. I picked up my journal again for a few days when my weight loss took away some of my daily points, just to make sure I had adjusted accurately. But mostly, I don't journal.

There are several reasons I can think of immediately why this is true. First, I find all of the math in it very boring. Don't misunderstand, I love math. I was working on a Master's degree in pure math in my late 20s. I love math. But this kind of math totally bores me. Plus, I have run my whole program looking to the future, a future where I don't envision myself writing down every single bite of food. That seems too compulsive to me, too focused on food and weight and diet. That's not the image I have of my future, of the person I'm becoming day by day, week by week, thanks to the work I'm doing.

I don't mind if YOU keep a journal. In fact, if keeping a journal helps you, I'll even take the time to remind you about it. I believe whatever helps is valuable, and I don't care what that might be for you.

So, if you don't keep a journal, either, and you have been feeling guilty -- DON'T THINK YOU ARE ALONE. Not all of us hold the party line. Just be responsible for your weight loss, and be prepared to pick up a journal again if you find that things aren't working so well when you aren't looking at them.

I decided that I would try the new online journal that is part of my Weight Watchers Online membership. It is very slick. But the real reason that I'm trying it is because I've got this sneaking suspicion that my weight loss would be closer to the 2 pounds a week WW thinks is OK if I were more careful of my points. I have suspected for a couple of weeks that I'm being sloppy with my points, and that just being over a couple of points several days of the week could be the reason that my losses have been slightly below what I want. So I've made a committment to keep a food journal until I get to the bottom of this, and until I prove to myself that I've got enough of a focus on points that I am accurately keeping them in my head. I imagine I'll be doing this for a few weeks at least, especially since I'm about to lose daily points again thanks to my ongoing weight loss.

Week 28
I've Done It

For weeks now, I've been skipping my WW meeting, weighing myself in, and seeming to do just fine. I had thought I would return, if only to get a ribbon for losing 40 pounds and getting signed up on e-tools on the WW site. I didn't know what I was going to get around to this. But today, in my inbox, I got my regular email from WW and they are announcing a special deal for WW Online members. That's the plan for people who aren't attending meetings in person, but are doing everything online. The cost is only $15 a month once you get signed up, compared wo the $48 I was spending on meetings. With the special deal, available if you pay for the first three months in advance, you save $25, which is almost the setup cost. I did it. I signed up with WW Online. And I've spent some time today adding recipes, starting my journal, and exploring a bit. I'm really glad I've done it, and I'm thrilled that I saved some money, too. This deal lasts through the end of July. If you have been thinking about doing it, this is a good time.

Week 28
A Bit of a Meringue

On Saturday, I did indeed play hookey with my friend Kim. We went shopping, tried a fabulous new Mexican restaurant for lunch, and after some more shopping, came back here to watch two movies on my DVD player. Kim brought me a bit of a surprise -- a container of the Miss Meringue lemon cookies. What a treat they are! If you haven't tried them, and you like meringue, try them. They are about 2 inches in diameter, a firm dolop of meringue, and about a half point each. The only problem I have with them is that they are a bite of nothing, just a bit of sweetness, and it seemed to trigger my sweet tooth a bit. So be careful if you are susecptible to such things.

I've got more fresh fruit salad today with cherries, grapes, pineapple chunks, and bits of fresh mango. I added my usual peppermint, and this time, a dash of cinnamon. All on a bed of 1/4 cup vanilla yogurt, and sprinkled with 1 tbs of wheat germ for protein and a bit of crunch. This afternoon, I'm going to make up the last of the cherries into a fruit salsa... thanks to LunaLee's suggestion (see the last post comments!). I've got chicken planned for dinner tonight and will have the salsa with that. I can hardly wait. I'll post the recipe I use later!

I forgot to weigh in this morning... seems I've been forgetting that a lot lately. I think that is a good sign, though. I'm glad I'm not focused on measuring the results. I hope that instead I'm focusing on living my life in a healthy way.

I love it when my morning goes smoothly. Today was a perfect example. I didn't wake up until after 6, about two hours late, because the power was off here during the night, and apparently my battery backup isn't working! [note to self: replace battery!] Not a big deal. I woke up after the sky was light, and got to watch the first streams of sunlight burst over the horizon into my room, before I got up, shut the blinds, and pulled the lined curtains shut to keep the morning heat out of my house. The kitty was sleeping with me, and started purring when I started petting him. We went downstairs, and while I was sorting the dishes left over from yesterday, I fed him from a new can of catfood, salmon flavor. He has been so picky lately, refusing to each canned can food, wanting TUNA instead. I don't give him tuna very often, but once I did, it turned him off the cat food. But this morning, he devoured his morning "snackers" -- a moist food supplement to his dry food diet. I made my fruit salad, and put it back into the fridge to chill while I did the dishes and picked up a bit. Now, here I am, sitting at my computer with a bowl of fruit salad in front of me, a glass of water (my first for the day), and the fan running in the background. It's only supposed to be 107 here today, but with high humidity (right now it is 65%). You don't know HOT until you have 110 degrees with 80% humidity day after day. I will shoot the next person who says "but it's a dry heat"--an urban legend that is absolutely NOT TRUE. While I'm myth busting, here is another one: traditional southwest colors are NOT PASTELS. Get over yourselves. Can you imagine ranchers choosing pastel colors? Or Native Americans looking for accessories for the hogan in light pink and coral? No way!

It rained here last night! I haven't found the exact amount, but it was a glorious thunderstorm with rain. The lightening was fun to watch, too. This is the first real rain in my area since before Christmas! And we are expecting rain through Friday. I'm very grateful!

On a personal note: I promised to dance naked the first time it rained. I had thought I should warn my neighbors so they don't accidently look out at the wrong time. I don't think anyone saw me!

Week 27
The Fruits of my Labors

I'm sitting here at about 5 am, enjoying the last of the fruit salad from yesterday, down to just grapes and cherries... yum. The little bit of mint with the slightly tart pineapple juice (unsweetened) is really fabulous. I had the salad with every meal yesterday. It was really great with my lunch sandwich. In fact, lunch was my favorite meal of the day. I had a sandwich on honey grain bread with slices of turkey breast, ham, and pastromi, a whole leaf of lettuce, some slivers of onion, a bit of banana pepper, and mustard. Along with the fruit, I had one ounce of kettle style potatoe chips in jalapeno flavor, and a huge glass of my favorite spicy tea over ice. All for under 10 points. Quite a splurge, and really wonderful.

I've discovered that I have too much fruit in my fridge. I bought a small amount of many things, and I guess I should have known better. I think I'm going to have to adjust my grocery shopping a bit, making two trips a week, one big one, perhaps almost like I do now, and one small and quick one to pick up additional produce and other perishables. For example, I only bought 2 mangos, but I haven't had either one yet. I got 4 banana, which now I see is 2 too many. 4 apples, because I always run out of apples before I want to. The strawberries are gone, but I've still got most of the bag of grapes and bag of cherries. I see more fruit salad in my life this weekend. Maybe I'll freeze some of the cherries for another time.

Today I'm playing hookey. Most people call this taking a weekend, you know, where you don't work and you don't feel guilty. Not me. I'm taking one day, fully aware that I could be working, and that my client would appreciate me working. I'll return to working tomorrow. One day weekends are a typical thing for me. That is why I'm so looking forward to having some serious time off, a couple of weeks. It may happen at the beginning of August now. Don't misunderstand, being freelance I'm grateful to have work lined up. I just also love a bit of downtime.

My mom "invited" me to come and spend August at her house, away from the Arizona heat. I don't know if I will be able to get away for very long, but I'm thinking that maybe by mid-August I will be able to leave here to work from a computer at her house. And of course, Mr. Skooch will be coming with me.

Week 27
Seasonal Eating

I got up at 3 this morning, a bit before my alarm went off, and fixed myself the most glorious fruit salad which I'm eating while I'm typing. Here is my off-the-cuff recipe:

Ingredients:
1 Fuji apple, cut into bite sized bits -- a good eating apple because it is firm, dense and just a bit sweet
1 banana, sliced
15 cherries, halved and pitted
25 grapes
15 pineapple chunks (from a can)
10 strawberries, cut in half
1 kiwi, sliced (very much like the banana)
pineapple juice (from the chunks can)
1 tbs almond slices -- optional
3 peppermint leaves, fresh minced -- optional

Directions:
1. Open the pineapple chunks. Pour a small amount of the juice into a shallow bowl. Add the chunks to the mixing bowl.
2. Cut the apple and banana, dipping the pieces into the pineapple juice before adding them to the mixing bowl.
3. Cut the strawberries, cherries and kiwi, and add to the mixing bowl.
4. Measure the almond slices and place on a cutting board, cutting into slivers before adding to the mixing bowl.
5. Mince the peppermint leaves, add to the mixing bowl.
6. Stir the ingredients. Chill before serving.

Yields: about 6 cups of fruit salad.
I'll figure out the exact points later, after the math part of my brain wakes up. But this should be about 1 point per serving (1 cup).

While I was making this delicious treat for myself, I realized that I have seasonal eating patterns. Thanks to the miracles of world-wide markets, refridgerator shipping, and the strong US dollar, my neighborhood grocery store has all kinds of fruit year round. There is more of it now, of course, with things here in season, and the prices are much better for US grown fruits than the ones from South America in the winter. But it isn't economics that drives my seasonal eating... it's the temperature. One of the ways that I cope with summer in Phoenix is that I fix mostly cool meals for myself. This means I have a lot of sandwiches, finger foods, and salads this time of year. I never use the oven from mid-May through mid-September. Thankfully, I have a George Foreman grill to fix the occasional warm meal without heating up the whole house. It's an interesting realization.

I've been doing some experimenting this week. I make so many sandwiches this time of year, I decided to switch my bread from this diet white with 1 point per slice, to a hefty whole grain that is 3 points for two slices. It is thicker, firmer, and it tastes wonderful. It's a good use of a point. I also discovered a couple of weeks ago that adding mushrooms to a sandwich adds bulk for very few points, making the sandwich more satisfying. It's not that I'm a huge mushroom fan, it was just an experiment that went well.

Here's an example of one that didn't go so well. I thought I would try adding some cheese to my sandwiches to add some fat. I had been trying to balance my macronutrients (fats, carbs, and protiens) and realized that I'm low in fats. I'm not a huge cheese fan, but again, I thought I would try it. I wanted to add some pepper jack cheese, something zingy, but there wasn't a low fat version, and the regular version was too high in points. So I decided on some Monterrey Jack instead, and ended up getting the pre-packaged slices to make it easier to make sure I have accurate portions. I made the first sandwich with the cheese yesterday. About two bites in, I had to disassemble the sandwich to remove the cheese -- I hated it. Maybe I'll try adding some shredded cheese to my next salad to up the fat balance. I'll let you know how that goes!

And another experiement gone wrong: I purchased two of the Smart Choice pizzas because they can be microwaved. I tried one, and it was this rubbery mass with very little taste. I'm sure the problem was with the microwaving and not the pizza itself. I'm going to try one more microwave trick before I give up on them in there. But I do think they would be delicious in the regular oven. So at least I know they will be back in my life in September.

Keep trying new things! The surest way to get bored with your food plan is to keep eating the same things over and over!

Week 27

I've lost 41 pounds!

I've updated my weight chart, but I haven't had the time to upload the new chart to the site. I promise to get to that very soon.

I made a glorious trip to the grocery Monday morning about 5 am, and loaded up with all sorts of great things. It's wonderful to wake up and know that I've got fruit waiting for me! I've also decided to try some of the Smart Choice (Weight Watchers) pizzas because they can be microwaved. I'm not a real microwave fan, but this time of the year in Phoenix, with utility bills at $200 per month, I'm not about to heat up the house with the oven. It's been a few months since I've had a pizza, so I'm going to try it. I'll let you know how it works out.

It feels so good to have all of the groceries I love around. It's such a simple pleasure, but one that I've learned to appreciate in the last six months. It makes me feel rich, and that I live in a universe that is full of abundance. I like the changes in my life.

I promise to write more later.

Week 27
Random Things

I kept forgetting to weigh in last week. I'll get to it this week. :-)

Thanks to Formica for pointing out this article from the New York Times Magazine about diet strategies and Dr. Adkins.

A friend of mine died recently. I've written about my friendship with Linda and what I learned from her life.

I've been hibernating the last few days, crying a bit, sorting through my emotions. I haven't eaten very well. I've stayed within my points, but its' been more eating to avoid starvation than anything like preparing meals. Not well balanced, even over the course of a day, but I have had fruit and veggies. I'm off to the grocery on Monday morning to get a fresh start.

Week 26
Really Proud of Myself

For the last two weeks, I've really been taking some time to reflect on how well I've done the last six months. I'm thrilled to have lost almost 40 pounds at this point, although to be honest, I had hoped to be able to lose 10 pounds a month. From everything I have read, slower is better, so I trust that my body knows what it is doing on that point! But when I look at the attitude and behavior changes, I am pretty darn thrilled. I've learned a new way to feed myself, and how to create balanced meals. I've got a system for grocery shopping (much simpler that it was a few months ago!) and I keep the house stocked with things that are good for me. I've tried all sorts of new foods, some I've loved, others I've never tried again--but I've had an open mind. I've discovered some ingredients that really make a difference in how satisfied I am from my food, a BIG concern for me. I knew that my food was going to have to be tasty and satisfying if I was going to be able to stay on this plan, and I've done it.

For the rest of this weekend, I'm going to post small reminders for myself of things I've learned. I hope that you find them helpful, too.

• Weight Watchers cookbooks are really great resoures. I've also found fabulous recipes from other sources that I expected to be good, like Cooking Light, and some that were surprises, like BettyCrocker.com, and specialty cookbooks in the bargain bin at my local Barnes & Noble.
  
• Snacking urges hit, and it's a good idea to have safe snacking items available. I've started buying carrots for snacking, in the little bag already cut up. I keep a can of light cherry pie filling because it is sweet and one serving is only a couple of points. Microwave popcorn helps with the muchies for something crunchy and salty.
  
• I keep something interesting to drink. While I drink a lot of water, I have found a brand and flavor of tea that I love and is zero points. When I want a snack, most of the time I'm satisfied to make a pitcher of sun tea.
  
• I still drink a Coke, nearly one a day. (I'm allergic to Nutrasweet so diet anything isn't an option.) I never drink a Coke with a meal, I save them for an afternoon snack to enjoy all by itself. I savor every drop. I don't have one every afternoon, some afternoons I'm happy to keep drinking my tea.
  
• About half of the items in my grocery cart are bagged items from the produce section.
  
• I buy leaf lettuce to put on sandwiches and to add to salads. I buy my favorit salad mix, spring mix, in a bag, and supplement it with other produce items. I didn't use to like lettuce on sandwiches, but what I discovered is that I hate iceberg lettuce, and I love the leafy lettuces. I don't mind adding them to my meals.
  
• I always have celery on hand, and I add it to salads, tuna, even my sloppy joe recipe. It adds bulk and is pretty tasteless when added into something else.
  
• Mustard. It didn't use to be my favorite condiment, but because it has zero points, and because the deli style is pretty tasty, I've started adding it to nearly everything I eat. I substitute it for most of the mayo in my tuna sandwich mix. I add it to every sauce I make for meats. It's become a wonderful addition to my meals.
  
• Fruit preserves are wonderful things. They are generally whole fruit with very little or no added sweetners, making them lower in points. A tablespoon can be added to so many things: meat sauces, rice pudding, vanilla yogurt, plain salad dressing. It adds a punch with a minimum of points. I love berries, especially blackberry and raspberry. Except for their short growing season, they are expensive to purchase fresh, so I really like the fact that the preserves are inexpensive. Oh, and I didn't mention putting a tablespoon on a peanut butter sandwich!
  
• I've doubled the number of seasonings and spices in my cupboard. I've tried herbs that I had never heard of, and I like them! I add herbs and spices to nearly every recipe I try, customizing it and making more special. I've found that interesting food tastes are more satifsying to me, and are so easy to do by adding them. When I'm trying to decide what to add to a recipe, I start with a list of general guidelines for using the spices, and then, smell the spice to see if it seems compatible with my recipe. Fresh herbs are even more flavorful--I've got my little herb garden outside my kitchen door so I can add fresh chives, basil, thyme, oregano, peppermint and parsley to my meals. Fresh herbs just look beautiful in food. (If you want to experiment and develop your sense of what goes with what, try adding herbs to cans of soup. You really improve the taste of the soup, and get a chance to try new combinations.)
  
• Sometimes, just two bites of a real dessert is more wonderful than eating the whole thing. I've been known to visit the Cheesecake Factory and order a slice, and eat two or three bites of it. Yep, it's expensive if you consider the cost per bite, but it's even more expensive if you consider the points per slice! I savor the first bite like its the only bite, and then allow myself one, maybe two, more. It's a wonderful way to feel decadent and indulge a bit. (I couldn't buy a whole Sarah Lee cheesecake and trust myself to only eat a few bites if the whole thing was just sitting in my freezer.)
  

Week 26
Six Month Anniversary

As you can see from my posting schedule, part of taking care of myself has meant resting my brain, and allowing my word drought to fix itself naturally. I've been avoiding using the computer, and I've done only a minimum of writing. And it seems to be working. I'm sleeping a lot, and I'm starting to feel more alive than exhausted. I have to admit that for the last few days, I've really been out of groceries, so I've been throwing together things to eat. I'm on target with my points, but my meals have hardly been appetizing, or even well balanced. I've promised myself that I'm going to the grocery Monday so I can fix this problem.

Otherwise, it has been a bit interesting over here. I gave myself a goal for last week, to completely clean my downstairs. I am not finished, but even so, I'm excited about what I have gotten done. I've pulled everything out of the cupboards, the pantry, gotten to the bottom of the laundry (does anyone else have the bottomless pit of hand washing that somehow never seems to be finished?), and sorted out most of the last six months of filing. I didn't say I've actually FILED it, but it is sorted out and ready to be filed. I've thrown out a full gargage bag of papers in the process. I've also been through my clothes a bit more, and have pulled out other things that are now officially too big to wear. It's a great feeling. In fact, the whole process has been very healing. I would have finished it by the weekend except for the extra sleeping I've been doing. When I've been awake, I've been pretty focused on getting things done.

I'm giving myself until Friday to finish the downstairs. I'm taking off Tuesday (playing hookey with a friend) and Thursday, so that really only gives me three days to finish up. Then, I'm going to totally enjoy living in a clean and de-cluttered space over the weekend. I still need to do the same thing upstairs, but I'm going to wait until the following week to start that project. And, based on what has just happened, I'm giving myself two weeks to do that, also.

I have this amazing sense right now that I'm clearing out the skeletons in the closets, that I'm stripping everything to the bare walls. It's a great feeling. I'm taking everything out, and only putting back what I love and use and need. I'm putting almost everything else in a stack to give away. I am putting aside a very small stack of things I'm not ready to part with, and I suppose these will go into a box in the storage area when I'm done. But I'm being very picky about what will be stored, mostly because I have so little storage space. I'm being ruthless, and it feels good.

Funny thing, this paring down is very much like what is going on with my body. My possessions and my body are both slimming down, and both are taking up less space than before. It's a good time for me.