What is Important In Life

I promise to write more about my story later, but there is one gem, one thing that means a great deal to me, that I want to write tonight.

The day before I left the hospital, I had to go down to radiology to have a pick line put in. It's like a permanent IV located on the upper arm. They actually use an ultrasound machine to slide a tube into a vein towards your heart so that the medicine gets spread through your bloodstream very fast. It's done in a very scary room, and the whole idea of it had me quite terrified, to be honest. They rolled me into this huge room with all of this equipment and I was very scared. I asked them to explain what was going to happen. They said I would feel a prick when they gave me a shot of Novicane, and that I should not feel anything after that. They were exactly right. I decided to close my eyes so I couldn't watch the ultrasound, and laid there repeating my favorite morning prayer/chant to myself until it was done. It didn't take very long, and like I said, compare to how scared I was, the whole procedure was nothing. Painless. I was worried for nothing.

When I came out of that room, there was a woman in a wheelchair waiting to be next. They had to clean the room and equipment before she could go in. She was about 10 years older than me, and her lip was quivering. We made eye contact, and she asked me about the procedure. I told her what they had told me, that I closed my eyes, and that it really felt very much like getting a normal IV started. She still looked scared. I asked one of the technicians to move my chair over by hers. I reached out and put my hand on hers, and told her that it was really going to be OK, and that I had been scared too. Then, after a pause, she started sobbing. I put my arm around her, still holding her other hand. She tried to stop herself out of embarrassment, but I told her it was OK. She cried for several minutes, and then began to collect herself. One of the technicians had brought over a box of tissues by this time, and I felt like a mother soothing a child for a moment.

Then she began to talk, interrupted by more crying, and told me that she was a recently retired school teacher. I told her that I had taught school, and we talked about the miracles of touching the lives of students. Then, she told me that she was in the hospital because she has colon cancer, and that her husband was in the waiting room, and all of this time, she has never broken down and cried in front of him. With that, we both started sobbing, and I did my best to put both arms around her. After a few more minutes, she again composed herself, and asked me my name. I asked her name. I asked her if her faith was supporting her through this time, and she told me that it was the ONLY thing that was supporting her. I told her that I had been saying a prayer while they did the procedure, and suggested that she do the same. I told her that I would be praying for her, not only through this procedure, but through her surgery and beyond. And I have.

They came and wheeled her into the room for her procedure, and someone else came and took me back to my room. But I was not the same person who had left the room just 45 minutes earlier. My heart was broken open with the humanity of another person. I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I'll never be the same. As I thought about what had just happened, I realized that I had just had one of the most important moments of my life. Maybe in the grand scheme of time, it won't make the top ten moments, but I had reached out to another person in a time of need, and offered the full compassion of my heart to them. It didn't matter that she was previously a stranger to me, and that I will most likely never see her again. What matters is that my heart touched another heart and we were both comforted.

I've thought for many years that my basic life priorities were pretty good, that I was pretty much on target. Of course, there are always adjustments, always blind spots, and always new things to learn. But my hospital stay, and the realization that I was near death when I was rolled into surgery, have adjusted some of my priorities. Some of the changes I can talk about, others are gut-level reactions that happen at the oddest times, or so it seems to me. My new priority for my life is the quality of my daily living. Am I making the most of the moments that I have before me? Am I taking care of myself? Am I finding a balance of work and fun? Am I open, and is my heart available to the hearts of other people, even strangers? I'm sure you will find me writing about these changes over time as I continue this blog.

My parting thought for you: Are you taking care of yourself? Do you live a daily life where you are being the person that you want to be, where you are balancing the demands placed on you? As you wrestle to figure out how to do this, know that I am over here doing the same thing.

Sick of Being Sick

I'm having a hard time being patient with myself. I'm not a very good sick person. I'm usually so busy and so productive and so full of new ideas that this whole thing of laying around, being too tired to do much more than sleep, and not even feeling like talking with people is really frustrating me. To make it worse, my Dad is starting to complain that I'm napping too much, and that I shouldn't have been so weak tonight to cry when I was in pain. So when I'm being honest with myself, crying when I feel the need for that release, or napping when I'm too exhausted to keep going, now I've got to defend myself. He means well. But I told my Mom this was going on and asked he to talk to him about not trying to manage me so much. I expect that he didn't like hearing me cry because it hurts him to hear me cry, and not for the bullshit reason he gave me to stop crying. It's not like I spend my day wiping my face with tissues. I'm not one to feel sorry for myself -- in fact, I drive myself harder than anyone else. Hmmmm maybe I learned this little "trick" from my Dad while growing up.

I don't mean to complain about my living arrangement. I'm damn grateful that I have a place to be where people love me and want to help me. I would have made it work if I was living alone at home, but my goodness this is so much easier on me. I know in my heart, though, that I won't be really back to normal, back to myself, until I'm back home, sleeping in my own bed, and living my own life again. But for now, I'm learning to be more patient with myself (and with my Dad) and to listen, really listen, to what my body is telling me. I've been so driven, so productive, especially in the last year, that I've not heard a lot of messages from my own body. Even with the great health project/goal I've undertaken, and even with the fabulous success I've had, I can see today that I'm learning even more about how to live a healthy lifestyle while I'm recovering from my surgery. Not to mention the time I've spent thinking about what happened to me over the last 6 weeks.

Like most people, I learned my eating habits in my childhood, so you might imagine that being back at home, Snack Heaven as I've started calling it, has been quite a challenge for me. At first I completely resisted the snacks, mostly because I didn't have much appetite. But as I'm exercising more and getting stronger, I've started to discover that my morning fruit salad doesn't seem quite as special or delicious compared to the breakfast junk food that literally covers one part of the kitchen counter. I'm finding that my taste for unhealthy, high point and low nutrition foods has returned very quickly. While I had said that I wasn't going to worry about points, the last two days I've made a real effort to eat as close to healthy as I can. I'm going to give my mom a grocery list tomorrow for her next trip, and I hope by the middle of the week to really be back on Weight Watchers. The temptations are strong here, and if I don't get some healthy stuff around me, I really will start to gain back some of my lost weight. It will take a bit of willpower and determination, but I'm still as committed to my goal of creating a healthy lifestyle TODAY as I was when I first started this journey... and perhaps a bit more since my recent illness. It's a little sooner than I had thought because I'm not feeling great yet, but I can't ignore the fact that I've noticed that I'm choosing snack foods when they are offered to me. Time to reign things in and follow my heart again.

Thanks for bearing with me during my recovery process. I wish I had more to say, I wish I had more interesting things to say, and I wish I had more encouraging things to say. I'm hanging in there, and I hope that some of you are finding something honest and helpful in what I'm experiencing.

Pushing Myself, Maybe Too Much

On Sunday, I was walking laps inside my parent's house which got really boring. I don't like a treadmill -- I like to get out and walk the streets of my neighborhood. So, I decided that I would take a walk around my parent's house. I ended up walking around the block, which I found out later was just under one mile. Way too far for my first real walk. About 2/3 of the way around, I realized my mistake and decided that I should be taking a cell phone with me so I can call for help if I need it. I made it fine, walking very slowly. But when I reached my parent's front sidewalk, and had to step up one step, my whole leg quivered and I knew I had pushed too far. I immediately went inside, confessed my indiscretion to my parents, promised to take a cell phone in the future, and TOOK A NAP.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday, so the whole family was here tonight. I was way too tired for all of that activity with my four neices and nephews, my bro and sis, and the in-laws. I had to take a break in my bedroom in the middle of it all -- too much noise, too much activity, too much conversation. I don't even take every phone call that comes in for me! So it was a big day, a huge day, and I'm looking forward to having both parents go to work tomorrow and have some real quiet time, at least in the morning.

I do have some unofficial news for you. While I had lost a lot of weight in the hopsital, according to my parent's scales, I've now lost 50.5 pounds. Since I'm not really resuming Weight Watchers for at least another week, I realize I may actually gain a bit this week. But I'm just so glad to be breathing in and out, and glad to be eating solid foods (after three weeks of full liquids), and glad to have an appetitite, that I'm not one bit worried about what will happen to my weight before I resume my program.

Chapter 3

Thanks for bearing with me. I am trying to pull the story together and I've noticed that I'm not telling it in chronological order. If I repeat myself, I'm sorry. I'm trying to be expedient, but I'm not fully myself these days.

In the midst of waiting for the muscle relaxers to work, my friend Christine, the massage therapist who was working on me, recommended another doctor that she adores, and so I went to see him. He's also an ND (Naturopath), and he gave me a series of homeopathic injections in the sore area around my buttocks which had started to develop. I liked him, but overall, I didn't think this treatment was accomplishing anything. The sore spot continued to grow until I had something that I called a boil on my backside.

By the time I got to my second appointment with my regular doc, he took one look at my "boil" and told my friend to take me to the ER because it was more than he could take care of in his office. Not being familiar with the hospitals in my area, I took my friend's recommendation of Phoenix Baptist without asking any questions. I was in too much pain to argue, anyway. We arrived about 2 pm, and went through the usual ER waiting room stuff. Except that this one woman insisted that I sit on this hard white plastic wheelchair. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't even get all the way down. She argued with me, that other people with similar problems have been able to use the chair, like I was just being uncooperative. My solution was to lay face down on the waiting room floor in front of a row of empty chairs. It was the only option available to me. After a few minutes, a nurse came and got me and put me into a bed in the back. It didn't change my position in the triage, but I was much more comfortable. I was grateful to be shown this compassion.

After a while, a sort of technician came to work on me. He wasn't a doc, and honestly, I'm not sure if he was a nurse or what. He was friendly, and I learned that he had been working in that ER for just over 20 years. He apologized that he couldn't give me much in the way of pain relief, and that he would have to lance and drain my "boil." Yep, I screamed. A lot. I asked him to give me a wet towel to bite and I grabbed to the underside of the bed with both arms so I wouldn't move around on him. The pain was horrible, but it didn't last that long, maybe 10 minutes of working on me. Then, other people came by, and I left with prescriptions for antibiotics and pain killers, and instructions to see my family doctor in two days for a follow up. I was never so glad for pain pills in my life.

Tired, will write more later.

Today's update: I'm alone in the house for a few minutes (they don't leave me alone much) and I went for a walk. My brother lives 2 doors down from my parents, and I walked down there. I was hoping that he would be home so I could rest a bit, but no one was there. I had to turn around and walk back. I was so tired about half way back, I thought I was going to have to sit down along the road for a minute, but I made it all the way without stopping. Total walking distance: perhaps 200 yards.

Chapter 2

In the middle of August, I was feeling tired and knew something was off. I thought I needed rest. What was actually wrong with me didn't make itself obvious for quite a long time, so there was a series of explorations and, quite honestly, missteps in treating me, causing the delays that actually put my life in danger. I want to tell the story, but I want more than anything to tell the story of the miracles that happened. The facts are not as important to me as the examples of extraordinary kindness and compassion that were showered on me during this time. So please continue to bear with me as I pull together the story for myself and share it with all of you.

I'm feeling much better every day, and today has been a very good day. I slept for almost 12 hours last night, and my day has consisted of 2 hot baths (mostly to soak my incision), a shower, some unpacking (I'm staying with my parents for my recovery), some short conversations with my nephews and sister, a short walk around the backyard, and a nap. And now a few minutes using my brain and fingers writing here.

All of these things are getting much easier because it has been several days since my IVs ended. I was receiving an antibiotic call Primaxin prescribed by an infectious diseases doctor during my hospital stay. I was on it for just over 2 weeks. While I was in the hospital, it was much easier because the nurses would just come into my room and I could basically sleep through the process, which I learned that they call an "infusion." Once I came home, it was up to me and my Mom to set the alarm for 7 am/1pm/7pm/1am, prepare the drug, and infuse myself, a process that involved saline and heperin, an blood clotting agent. Of course, if you are familiar with IVs, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not brain surgery, but for a sick person who is already exhausted, it is a bit to learn and take on at first. Once I had done about 4 of them, I was not nervous or skittish about doing them. The good thing is that each day that I'm further from the end of the drug, the clearer my mind is becoming and the easier it is for me to do complex motor tasks, like typing.

The illness revealed itself slowly, showing symptoms that lead me in many other directions. If I had known from the start what was wrong, I would have acted very differently... but at the time, and given my bent towards natural and wholistic medicine, I made the best choices I could at the time. Mistakes were made. But fortunately, there was enough time left at the end that they could save my life.

You can see from my journal entries in the middle of August, I wasn't doing well. I thought I was working too much, and had been working too hard too long without a break. All of that was true, but it wasn't a factor in what was going on inside of me. My first real symptom was that I realized my hips were out of alignment. I knew this because when I would lay on my bed and move, they would pop and crack a bit. Then, I started to feel some pressure in my colon right above my hips. I thought the two were related. I suddenly found that I couldn't sit down without pain. I could only lay on my stomach across my bed. By Saturday morning, Augusut 17th, I knew things were serious, but still just through I had a back/hip alignment problem that was impacting my colon. Early that morning, I called my yoga teacher to ask for some advice. She recommended a natual product that would help my colon to relax, and offered to have one of her early morning students drop a few capsules at my front door about 9 am.

About 9 my doorbell rang, and there stood a woman I had never met. She not only dropped off the pills, she came in to help me for a few hours, and ended up staying for a week. Her name is Mirna and even though she is flesh and blood and has her own life problems, to me, she will always be an angel. She would fix me a breakfast of fresh fruit every morning, my Weight Watchers routine, and would bring me various soups and other liquids throughout the day. I had put myself on a liquid diet until the colon issue resolved, thinking it would make things easier. Meanwhile, I started calling my doc's pager service. I never got a returned call the whole weekend (which later really upset my doc, but more on that later) and I continued to lay across my bed for two more days, waiting for Monday morning when I hoped to get an emergency appointment. Mirna never left my side during this time. My hip got worse, my stomach pain got worse, and the capsules didn't seem to help. The only position that didn't put me into immediate sharp pain was to lay on my stomach. Even laying on my side or back was nearly impossible for more than a few minutes at a time.

Monday morning, I reached my doc's office and they fit me into their schedule for later that morning (the 19th). I've written about that visit in Chapter 1. During the next few days, my colon pain got worse, and my body got more tense, even with the muscle relaxers. I had a friend come by daily to massage me to help my body to relax. I was determined to do anything I could think of to help this situation to clear up.

Getting tired, will have to write more later.

Chapter 1

My story is very long and my energy level is still very low, so I'm going to try to post bits of it every few days.

First, let me say that the 8 months or so I spent on Weight Watchers improving my overall health has been a big factor in my nearly miraculous recovery. At one point, while in the hospital, I had lost another 15 pounds, but that was due to the illness and surgery. I haven't officially weighed myself since the last posting on my weight progress chart. And I don't plan to do so for several more weeks, because right now getting my health and strenght back is more important than points. Althought I am somewhat watching them, and am eating very healthy.

It's strange to me to see that my post on the 15th was about my illness. I scheduled my first doctor appointment for the following Monday, bear with me because I am having a lot of trouble with numbers (thanks to the drugs I'm on). By that time, I had a pain in my lower intestine, almost like being constipated but different. And my hip and back were out of alignment -- I could hardly stand up and couldn't sit down. By the 15th, I was only sitting up for short spells, and spent most of my time laying across my bed on my stomach.

A friend took me to that first doctor appointment (the friend's help is one of the many miracles I'll tell you about later), and the doc gave me pain pills and muscle relaxers so he could adjust my spine and hips a few days later. He's a naturopath, and ND, and I adore him and natuorpathic medicine. During those few days, I kept getting worse. I had someone come to give me some massages to help me to relax so my doc could fix me. But nothing was working. When I went back to the doc, I was still a mass of tight muscless and he couldn't adjust me. At that time, we thought that was all that was wrong, and that the intestine problem was related to my hips being so out of whack.

During my entire illness, I have received help from real friends and total strangers, receiving more help and compassion and information that I ever believed was possible. I've always worked to be self reliant, so being ill and helpless was a tough experience for me, teaching me a lot about what is important in life and surprising me so much by the kindness of other people. It's made me realize that I don't have to live my whole life like such a warrior -- that I can ask for help and I can work with other people to fill in the places where I'm not so strong. This may sound simplistic, but after laying for two weeks across my bed, being fed and assisted with every little thing by other people, I am forever changed.

Gettting very tired... ending for today.

What's Up

Hello cyber friends and visitors. I've not posted because I've been very sick. I've been in the hospital and I nearly died two weeks ago. I'm doing much better, I've glad to be alive and have have home health care nurses here in and out all day. My mom in Ohio dropped everything to come out and take care of me.

My illness is NOT related to my dieting. I'm exhausted writing just this, but I promise to write more of this story as I have the energy. I can't retrieve emails yet, so please don't write to me. I am still gratefully breathing and present on this planet. Remember me in your heart or your prayers

Week 32
One Sick Puppy

Yup, that's me. I'm sick, have been since the weekend. Nothing serious, mostly it is like the flu with a low grade fever, with some other symptoms just to keep things interesting. I've been thinking that I should go swimming tomorrow afternoon, mostly to get the creaks out of my body by floating in the water. The bathtub just isn't deep enough! And in Phoenix, this time of year, the pool will be like a hot bathtub, only with chlorine instead of bath salts. I can take it.

The Mango Treats (see below) were a great hit these last few days. Wonderful idea. I'm going to try to make up some more in the next week or so.

Otherwise, if you aren't seeing posts here or at Trivium or Glimpse, it's because I'm sleeping most of the day. And having some weird dreams, but I'm blaming them on the fever.

Later!

Week 32
Extremely Optimistic!

Those of you who are struggling through personal changes, whether you are working to lose weight, quit smoking, or any other personal improvement project, you know how discouraging it can be to go through a time of setbacks. I'm feeling very happy today, not just because of my weigh loss yesterday. This morning, my normal weigh-in day, I went into the kitchen and saw the scales still sitting on the floor, and hopped on. I didn't expect any change from yesterday, so imagine my JOY when I realized I'd lost another pound. I'm not recording this weight, so that additional loss isn't official (at least not until next week) but it is enough to make me a very happy camper tonight. Very happy.

So, tonight I decided to make my own treats up. When I was at the grocery, I purchased this items as my variation on a Weight Watcher's recipe I found this week for ice cream sandwiches. Here it is:

Ingredients:
30 ginger snaps
1/2 c mango sorbet

Instructions:
1. Warm 1/2 c sorbet enough to scoop.
2. Scoop 1 tbs of sorbet on a cookie and top with another cookie.
3. Place in freezer bag and place in freezer until firm, at least one hour.

Servings: 5 (3 sandwiches) Points: 3

Tip: To reduce the points even further, select cookies that are lower in points.

Week 32

WONDERFUL NEWS: I'VE LOST AGAIN!

I wasn't planning to weigh myself until tomorrow, but I thought that I would check and see what direction things are going today, and I got such good news that I decided to make it official. After 5 weeks of floundering, of weight gains and lost focus, and even before I had really sat down to think all of this through -- I've got a 1.5 pound weigh loss. That puts me about where I was on week 28, and 1/2 pound from my lowest weight to date.

I think the tide has turned.

One thing I've been doing this week is forcing myself to drink water. I put a 20 oz glass in the bathroom, and every time I stop in, I've forced myself to fill it and drink it. Needless to say, that has caused me to return to the bathroom more times than usual during the day, which means I've been drinking A LOT thes last few days. And with the summer heat in Phoenix, this is a good thing so I can avoid even a bit of dehydration, not to mention that I think it has had a positive effect on how my body has been working.

I still need to take some time to think about the lack of focus and get myself refocused, and I've scheduled some time for that on Friday afternoon, out of the office. I'll let you know what I discover during this time.

But in the meantime, I'm thrilled.

Week 31
Taking This Very Seriously

I still seem to be in a plateau, and I sense that I'm doing/not doing things that are contributing to it. This is more than just a normal physical phase I'm going through -- it's involving my thoughts and emotions. Like I said in an earlier post, I seem to have lost my focus. I've lost my appetite, too. I'm not eating nearly enough. Isn't that strange? I'm forcing myself to drink most of my water each day.

I am not sure what is happening, but I'm taking this very seriously. I'm not skating through it with an "oh well" attitude. I'm not sure what I need to do. I thought tonight about the idea of returning to meetings, and I might do that. I'll decide next week. But I suspect that I just need to really sit myself down and examine my goals again, and decide again that this is the route I'm committed to taking. Maybe I'll learn something about what I'm resisting through this process. Maybe I'll have a new revelation.

I'm totally swamped with work right now, and will be for about another week. I don't want to ignore what is going on, but at the same time, I've got enough on me right now without adding to it. I'm going to hit the grocery this afternoon and get enough good stuff that is easy to fix to get me through this deadline crunch, and then, I'm going to take a day off and work this out.

In an interesting note, I found the most wonderful recipe on the Weight Watchers site today. I'm not sure if they will let the link work, but I've tried. I don't have the time to fix it this week, but who knows... maybe the day that I take off for myself and my goal setting could start off with this wonderful breakfast.

Week 31
Stages of Change

Well, I am a bit low on points, but overall, its' been a good food day. I don't feel like my focus is back, but then, I'm not so worried about how I feel. As long as I act according to the plan, the feelings will eventually come around. Feelings come and go, but action is where a lifestyle happens. Healthy actions = healthy lifestyle, even when things are in a slump. I've had a lot of pressure on me these last few weeks, and will for another two weeks. So I suspect that my feelings are being influenced by this. All I can do is keep going, and do my best to remember what it felt like when things were in focus.

Many years ago (more than 10), I ran across some information about changes, the stages that a person goes through during any change. I used to teach this in my journal writing workshops, and I have used it at work on every single project I've ever done. I don't know who came up with this idea to give them credit. I got this idea from someone else, but I've made it my own.

Stages of Change

1. Unconsious Incompetence The first stage of every change happens before you make any change. You are going along, life as normal, not knowing that you need to make a change, or that a change is around the next corner.
   
2. Consious Incompetence The second stage of every change is that awkward time when you are painfully aware that something is wrong, but you don't yet know what to do with it. You don't know how to solve the problem or what to do. You may need additional information, and you are in the process of deciding what course of action to take.
   
3. Consious Competence The third state of any change is the time when you are focusing on your new ideas and new skills, and stumbling a bit as you use them. It takes your ongoing effort for you to keep fighting your old ways to make the change happen. You must catch yourself doing your old behavior or thinking your old thoughts so you can decide to do your new thoughts and behaviors. This is the time when your old habits are being broken down, and your new habits feel awkward. Hang in there -- things will get better!
   
4. Unconsious Competence The last stage of any change is the successful completion of the change. You recognized a problem, you resolved it, and you have learned the new skills, information and habits you need to go back to just living your life without thinking about this change. Thanks to your work in the third stage, your new behavior has become a habit. Hurray!

For a while, I've been in stage 3, where my new healthy lifestyle habits are being formed, and they are replacing my old unhealthy habits. It's hard to tell, sometimes, when things are easier because you are backsliding, or things are easier because you have worked hard and now the new habits are really kicking in. In both situations, you may feel good, things feel easy. But one is a healthy place to be, and the other, well, the other needs more work and attention.

Some part of my new lifestyle are still in stage 3, and a few have really graduated to stage 4. I suspect that the overall length of time to make this huge change and to be totally out of stage 3 is longer than the 31 weeks I've been doing this. I don't know how long it will take me, and I think this will be different for everyone. But what is important, I think, is to understand where you are in the change process, and to understand that all of this takes time. After all, I didn't put the weight on in 31 weeks... and it would be unreasonable for me to expect to have my healthy lifestyle completed in a short time.

Week 31
Starting To Figure It Out

After two consecutive weeks with gains, I'm very pleased to announce that I've gained 0 pounds this week! I've also lost 0 pounds this week. And I'm happy about it.

It's been a month now since I've had a weight loss, and I can tell you, something is very different these last weeks. It's not just the results, something in my thinking is also different. I've lost my focus on my goal. I've been eating just to stop feeling hungry, not to create a balanced meal that meets my body's real needs. Not all of the time, and I'm not eating horrible things. But I've not been on target in my head, the target being a healthy lifestyle. Food and eating have been a hinderance, an annoyance, to the rest of my schedule. I have to tell you, that is part of the attitude that got me into this mess in the first place. So it isn't surprising that the old way of thinking has found a way back into my life.

I am going to think and write more about this later, because I believe it is important for me to understand this part of me better. Taking care of myself isn't some annoying thing that I have to do before I can do the things I really want to do. Taking care of myself is part of joy of daily living, at least that is what it used to be, and what I want it to be. Whether that is grooming, or even keeping my household running smoothly, all of these things are vital and important for my lifestyle.

I'm just grateful that I've realized what is going on inside my head. And I'm grateful that I didn't gain any more last week. I'm going to get past this roadblock, and keep making my life into what I want it to be. That's my promise to myself. I'm not giving up, I'm not throwing in the towel (that beautiful red Ralph Lauren towel, that is!), and I'm not letting a little hurdle break my stride.

More soon!

Week 31
Dieting News

I've just been out reading at Big Fat Blog, and boy, do they have some interesting articles. If you haven't been there, or haven't been there for a while, I think you will enjoy your reading time.

Week 30
A Reward Idea

I'm going to spill the beans... I've got an idea for a new reward for when I reach my goal. It's something that I have honestly never considered doing before, and in fact, it is something that I used to think only, ahem, rednecks did. (I'm sorry if my use of such a term offends someone!) I'm considering getting a tattoo on my bod, a small piece of body art in a place that I've not seen for years because of all of the extra weight. I haven't decided for sure, but the idea is getting more and more attractive all the time to me. I'm not even sure what I would put on me, but I'm thinking something small and meaningful, like maybe a small butterfly to symbolize the transformation aspect of my reaching my goal.

No decision will be made about this until I actually reach my goal. But if I do it, I'll post a pic here, I promise!

Week 30
Catching Up

It's late, but I want to post just a few things:

Veggie burgers -- YUM! I loved them... I only have 1 pattie left and plan to eat that one tomorrow. I'm going to try the other brands recommended by visitors, but even these Gardenburger Mushroom I loved.

Today's points: way below again. If you read here, you know that I have spent plenty of time wanting to eat more, but that wanting was more of a nervous kind of eating, not about hunger. Right now, I seem to be eating when hungry. I'm grateful for that! So my plan to eat more at breakfast didn't work today, but I'm going to keep trying. It's hard for me to want to eat much in the morning -- a little bit and I'm happy. Maybe I will try to add a mid-morning snack instead of eating it all at once.

Water consumption is still below what it should be, what it used to be. I'm working on this, too.

Working all weekend, taking Monday off.

One last thing -- I encouraged Debbie at Rites of Passage to reward herself for small goals along the way. She asked for some suggestions. Here is a reposting of my comment with some ideas of things that I do for myself.

Hey, glad to give you some starters. I try to avoid money rewards, just because I don't want to replace ONE kind of problem with another (debt)!

What I treat myself with:

A long soak in the tub, with nice smelling stuff, time to really apply lots of lotion, maybe even a facial mask, a few pages of a good book... A sort of mini-spa.

A trip window shopping for beautiful things. I like to spend a few hours walking in the galleries in Scottsdale... the art is way to expensive to even consider buying, but it is beautiful and it gives my heart a lift.

I slip away to a favorite coffeeshop with great atmosphere and drink a TEA (iced in the summer) and write in my journal. And watch people. And listen to live music, usually a guy playing acoustic guitar.

I slip away for a couple hour drive alone in my truck. Since I live in the center of a huge metro area, it takes a while on the highway to reach the open desert. So I drive for an hour or so, stop, get a drink, walk around, take some pictures, and drive back. Nothing relaxes me more than being able to see all the way to the horizon! The wonderful Arizona scenery is just icing on the cake.

New used book shopping. We have a wonderful used book store here, and I will go through my bookshelf and pull out some books that I won't read again, and I trade them in for store credit. I can usually take in a few books and swap them for a few different ones at the store. New books, and they are FREE! Love it. And I have a few hours of looking at things that are interesting -- I skim through a bunch of books before selecting the ones that will go home with me.

Make a short list of things that make you happy, it can be anything simple, and then schedule a bit of it.

Week 30
What I'm Learning

This has been an interesting week thanks to the things I'm learning about my eating from my online Weight Watchers journal. Well, maybe just one big thing: I'm not eating enough. Every day this week, I've had 7 or more points left over at the end of the day, some days as high as 10 or more. What's up with this? And have I always been under points? I suspect that being under would be a reason why my weight loss has been slighly slower, and I suspect it is a factor in my recent plateau (which I hope is now over).

I'm a bit shocked to realize that I need to eat more points. I mean, I've always thought that the reason I put on the weight was because I either a) ate too much, or b) ate things that were too point laden. I don't have any way to know about the past, except for the past two weeks, and I can tell you that I haven't reached the top of my goal points any day during this time.

I'm not holding back, I'm not starving myself to try to lose faster. In fact, I'm not recording most of my food intake until the end of the day, so I don't even know I'm under until the day is over. There isn't any chance I'm forgetting things. I believe I'm getting a totally accurate point count.

So, knowing this, what am I going to do now?

First, I'm going to beef up my breakfast eating. I've been averaging 2 points each morning, and loving my breakfast. But of all my meals, breakfast has the fewest points by far. I'm not sure right now what I will switch to, but a change is needed.

Second, I'm going to make sure that I only have one salad a day. Sure, they are great, tasty, and filling, but they are low in points. Maybe I can start adding some goopy stuff, like cheese or avacado to them, to bulk them up a bit without increasing the size. Eating avacado would hardly be a hardship!

Third, I'm going to look back at what I used to eat, and see if there is anything that I eliminated from my meals that I might want to bring back. Pizza will be an option when it is cooler outside, and it is high in points. But until then... I don't know. I'll think about it.

What a strange "problem" to have. I thought only recovering anorexics and actors preparing for unusual roles had to force feed themselves! But here I am, an unlikely member of that group. But this is only a slight adjustment for me, not an all-out pigfest.

Week 30
Surprise -- Bad News

When I weighed in the last time, after my bad Sunday, I had a problem with the place where I record my weight. So I couldn't actually record it then. I thought I knew what I was talking about when I said I had a zero loss. In reality, it turns out that I had a 1.5 pound gain. And today, when I weighed myself, I had another 1/2 pound gain.

I'm surprised. Not so much with last week, because I knew I had blown it. And I have eaten out a lot since then, and had trouble that night with bread sticks. But I didn't expect to have a gain this week.

I have been feeling a bit plateaued lately, but until today I didn't KNOW that I was on one. It's probably a really good thing that I've been doing so much work on my journaling since signing up on e-tools. Remember that I had a feeling that if I would tighten up just a bit, I would resume my weight loss? Well, that was right on, and it is a bit strange now to realize that I had just started a plateau when I felt that.

I'm not worried about gaining 2 pounds in the grand scheme of things. These have not been my best two weeks. I am a bit surprised to realize that what I was doing caused a gain because apart from that bad Sunday, I thought everything was going fine. One thing I have noticed is that I've been slacking off on the water, so for the last few days I've been drinking a lot of it.

On the very positive side, I've been eating a lot of salad, not because I thought I should, but because I wanted them. Yep, I think I'm becoming a real salad eater in the last couple of months. That is a good thing, and a real sign to me that my lifestyle change is really happening. My taste in foods is changing. I'm starting to really like healthy things. All of this is very good news, and very encouraging to me.

So, now that I know things have been in the crapper for a couple of weeks, what am I going to do? Nothing special, just follow the program to the letter for a while, to make sure that any sloppiness or laziness disappears from my daily living. Heck, in a good week I'll lose that 2 pound gain, and very soon I know I'll be reporting weekly weight LOSSES again. Maybe as soon as next week.

As I look over my weight loss chart, I can see the the pace of my weight loss has really dropped off since I stopped going to meetings. Coincidence? Probably not. It's not that the meetings were so magical, because I was bored with most of them. But I think that since I stopped going, I've also slipped into a way of living where my food hasn't had the same kind of attention as before. That's what I mean by sloppiness and laziness in my daily living. I think it is time for me to really recommit to my goals, and resume my former diligence about food matters.

I also notice that my weight loss slow down also coincides with the last issue of The Skinny. Another coincidence? Probably not. I think writing those newsletter was helping ME more than I realized. I'll see how my schedule looks, and resume them ASAP.

I Can Do It -- And You Can Do It

It takes a lot of work to change your life, not just changing your weight. Any personal change takes work and commitment. And yet, it seems that the smallest bit of effort I made very quickly snowballs so that a little effort really has a pretty big effect. Watching myself change my body has given me a sense of personal power that has been wonderful. As you know from my posts here, I've been amazed at the feeling I've had that I can take on any project, that I can make any change in my life. I really believe that is true. Not only can I take myself to my goal weight (whatever that is!) but I can make other changes in my life. Just because I have never been successful in this area before doesn't mean that I can't make my life into what I want. I'm willing to do the work to get there, and I'm willing to stand firm when the going is tough, because I believe in my heart that I can do this. And I am doing it. This is just a minor course adjustment now. I'm back on track, and expecting great things over the next weeks and months.

Week 30
Wonderful New Recipe

I eat a lot of chicken. And this week, I found a new recipe at the Weight Watchers site that involved chicken with two of my favorite things: tequila and jalapenos. I've modified the recipe only slightly. It was so delicious, I'm glad that I made enough for another meal.

Tequila & Jalapeno Chicken Salad
Adapted from a recipe found on the Weight Watcher's website

Ingredients:
2 4oz chicken breasts, boned and skinned
1/4 red onion, chopped
1 medium jalapeno, seeded and chopped
2 garlic clove
1 tsp brown sugar
1 tsp olive oil
2 tbsp tequila
1/8 cup lime juice
[note: the remaining ingredients can be substituted with whatever salad fixings you like]
4 lettuce leaves
2 cup spring salad mix, fresh or from a bag
2 mushrooms
2 tbsp parmesean cheese
1/2 carrot sliced thin

Directions:
1. Add all ingredients except chicken and a small portion of the onion into a blender or food processor and blend into a puree.
2. Cut chicken breasts into bite sized pieces. Add puree and chicken to a container with a lid, making sure to cover the chicken with the marinade. Refrigerate several hours.
3. Remove chicken from marinate and throw away marinade.
4. Place chicken on grill and cook thoroughly.
5. While chicken is cooking, make up the salads. Add chicken to the top and serve.

Serves: 2 approximately 5 points per serving

Just a reminder: be careful handling raw chicken. Be sure to wash any utensils and the cutting board before using them for anything else. Also, you can't use the left over marinade for anything else, so make sure to throw it away.

Week 30
Oh, The Pressure

I'm sneaking a break online when I should be doing client work. It is so funny to feel like I'm sneaking, since I'm working from my home office, wearing PJs, and haven't been out of the house for two days. It is just the overwhelming sense that I have DEADLINES and that I'm behind... it makes me feel like I don't deserve to take 30 minutes out of my day to read the blogs and post. Of course I can find 30 minutes in my whole day. But I woke up late, and that started me off feeling behind, and I really AM behind of my client project, and I have other things that must be done very quickly or else there will be consequences. I'm strapped, and there is no relief in sight for a couple of weeks at least.

With everything on my mind, I keep forgetting to weigh in. I'll try to remember tomorrow morning. Maybe I should go downstairs now and pull the scales out from beside the fridge and leave it laying on the floor where I can't miss it when I go to get my breakfast and feed the kitty. (I wonder if that would actually work...)

Even with this stress, I have been taking the time to keep my food journal at WeightWatchers.com. It's going faster now that most of my food choices are already entered as favorites. I banked three points yesterday. I've got dinner marinating right now... another WW receipe. Tequilla / Jalapeno Chicken. I'm going to grill the chicken and then cut it up and put it over a huge salad. A bit of honey mustard dressing for some zing. I can't wait.

Oh, and I tried something interesting last night. Along with my lamb chop with kiwi mint sauce, I had french cut green beans from a can. I really like the fresh, but I knew that I didn't have that much time this week. So, to make the canned stuff taste better, I sprinkled in some lemon pepper, and added 1/8 tsp of ground corriander. It was fabulous! It added just a hint of new flavor to the beans, which normally have a canned veggie taste. Think about adding a bit of seasoning to make any packaged food taste just a bit better, a bit more interesting than straight from the can or box. I picked corriander because it went with the rest of my meal. And I love lemon pepper, and key lime pepper, too.

I think tomorrow's lunch may be a veggie burger!