Week Unknown: Sand Storm!

Well, look who stumbled across her blog today?!


My wonderful life has been more active than even usual! This week, I got half of my teeth cleaned, got referred to a periodontist, decided to have a tooth extracted, realized plants were dying in my front yard, figured out the irrigation system, had a handyman over to work on a door situation, endured a fabulous sand storm, went shopping for rugs (without success), revamped my client invoicing system, prepared client invoices, worked on a scrapbook for a friend, continued to unpack, returned things I had borrowed when the plumbing sprung a leak a few weeks back, and... I'm sure there is more. And this was a 4 day work week! You get the idea.

I've not eaten very well this week, either. I'm quite disappointed with myself and my lack of focus. I'm sure, really sure, that I've gained a bit ... if you had seen what I've been indulging with, you would be confident of a small gain, too. I'm going to do my best to be back on my program through the weekend, and will weigh in on Monday. And just start where I left off, dealing with whatever gain has happened. But that is real life. And besides, I've lost almost 20% of my starting body weight! I can choose to dwell on the small recent gain and be miserable, or I can really enjoy the fact that I've accomplished SO MUCH towards my new healthy lifestyle. I choose to feel good!!

Besides, eating all of the CRAP hasn't been that much fun. In fact, I feel better when I eat healthier stuff. In fact, I'm going to visit the grocery TONIGHT so I can get stocked up on my favorite healthy foods again.

Week Unknown: Camping

It's UNBELIEVABLE!

I must admit, I did weigh myself once after I had started camping in the new place, and I wasn't surprised to learn that I had gained 2 pounds. I figured that with all of the fast food and easy preparation food I had to eat, that gaining a few pounds was inevitable. Of course, I was not excited about the idea that I might spent most of another month losing the weight I had gained while camping.

So this morning, without any dread, I stepped on the scales to learn the truth about my weight. I couldn't even remember the last weight before the camping. So I noted the number, and thought it seemed like a good one. Then I came to the computer to update my weight chart -- and that is when the Hallelulah chorus started.

I WEIGH EXACTLY WHAT I DID BEFORE THE CAMPING!

I know I had gained a few pounds, so apparently, even with the camping, I've also lost a few pounds. I'm right where I left off! I'm totally shocked, totally grateful, and very excited about this. I must admit, during this camping time, I did indulge myself a bit, knowing it was temporary. I didn't overeat, but I did make it a point to try out all of the fast food things that had come out since I started Weight Watchers almost 18 months ago. And I tried them all. The best news is that I didn't love any of them. Sure, a few of them were actually good, but they didn't taste as good as my home cooked things. In fact, I found myself hungry for a salad a few times. Anyone who knew me before WW would know what a miracle that is! I actually missed the fresh and home cooked foods I've been eating on WW.

So during my camping time, I didn't cut loose, but I did allow myself a few indulgences. I had french fries a few more times after that accidental time I wrote about. I've tried all of the new menu items in almost every fast food joint. And I won't miss any of them for the next 18 months. From this event today, and the first weigh in after my illness, I've really come to realize that I have accomplished the biggest part of goal, the goal that has been driving me since before I started WW. I HAVE developed a more healthy lifestyle. I've turned the tide in my own life. Every part of me wants to be healthier and healthier. Now, it's just a matter of tweaking and fine tuning, and occassionally making changes to my daily living.

I'm still doing WW, and I've still got something like 70 pounds to lose. I've not lost sight of that. But it feels today like I'm ready to start to focus more on my next healthy lifestyle goal -- the one related to my physical challenges with my legs. At the same time, I'm also working very hard to learn a more healthy balance between work and rest and play. Every mother knows this challenge! And everyone who works at home knows the little secret of the home-based workers -- We don't work at home, we LIVE at work. It's a challenge to create a healthy lifestyle in the midst of this, but I know I'm going to find my way through this, also.

Hey, if you are reading this this and didn't get it yet, I'll say it right out -- miracles do happen. My life is full of them the last 18 months, and I'm finally starting to really understand what that means for my own life. You might want to look around and see if there are hidden miracles happening in your own life. After all, it's a miracle that the universal forces that keep the Earth in orbit around the Sun didn't fail through the night -- the Sun comes up every morning on schedule. The tomato plant continues to grow on the Earth after generations and generations. Rain and sunshine together allow life to continue. Well being abounds! We live in a miraculous world.

P.S. When I lose another half pound it will be time for the updated red towel pictures. I hope I can find it in the moving mess!

Week Unknown: Water Anyone?

I am about to embark on a small side journey. A dear friend from Australia has recommended a book to me, and after checking it out a bit, I'm about to order it. Once it arrives, I'm going to start on this water program. The idea is that many of the symptoms of various "diseases" are actually symptoms of dehydration! I know that WW recommends a good deal of water. I've not been drinking enough for a couple of months now. I can't wait to find out more about this water plan. Of course, I'll post my discoveries and progress here. And, if I read the book and decide NOT to try it, you guys will be the first to know.

While I'm out book shopping, I'm also going to pick up another book from a guy I saw on Christopher Lowell a few weeks back.

Week 54: Tomorrow Is Moving Day

It's midnight and I just finished unloading the truck from today. Today was the last packing day. I filled up the truck with everything awkward, fragile, or just too important to lose for a few weeks in a box. Tomorrow at 8 am, the movers arrive. I don't know how long it will take to load things up, but I'm expecting to be here unloading sometime after lunch, early afternoon.

I still have to clear up some things on this end. The kitchen counter is full of tubs that are full of stuff waiting to be put away. I've got to move things in the bedroom so there is a clear path for them to setup my bed. Otherwise, I think things are ready. I'm exhausted. But the idea of sleeping tomorrow night in my own bed, the first time in three weeks, is very exciting.

I'm not even going to talk about what my food has been like, and I'm going to weigh in on Monday and just do damage control. See you then.

Week 53: The Joys of Housekeeping

I just came from Target where I purchased a Swiffer WetJet. My old place has carpeting everywhere, even the bathrooms! I hated that. The new place has tile everywhere except the bedrooms, and I love that. But I've been living here for over a week, and I figured it is time to clean the floors. So, without any market research, I picked up the Swiffer brand of cleaning mop stick thingy. No scientific or consumer awareness in my choice.

Years ago, before such products were on the market, I was experimenting with my own tools and techniques. My ultimate hard floor cleaner was a two step approach -- a spray bottle of a cleaner like 409 in my right hand, which I sprayed on the floor in front of me, followed by a swipe using a paper towel trapped under my left foot. I suppose the neighbors might have thought I was doing some strange dance if they were watching. I knew it seemed like less work than a traditional mop, and the floor got cleaner. I realized with the first of these cleaning mop stick thingies came on the market, that I had missed my opportunity. If only I had known then that I could charge $25 for the setup and that every woman in America would want one -- I would have invested the time and money for protyping and market research. Alas, another missed fortune in my life.

And now that I've used it for the first time, I have one observation. Kotex on a stick. Period.

And one question: How many Weight Watchers activity points can I earn from cleaning the whole house?

Week 53: No Surprise Here

Hello everyone!

Well, after a week of eating out and eating things that don't have to be refridgerated, I've gained two pounds! I'm not discouraged, I understand why this has happened, and I know small gains are a fact of life, even for people at their goal weight. The only problem is that I still don't have a fridge, so I'm facing yet another week of the same challenges. Hopefully, I'll figure out what to do so I won't have the same results to report next Monday!

Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. Working a lot, trying to get caught up and a bit ahead because I know what my week is going to be like. Lots of packing still to do. And now, a dentist appointment for a root canal. (Like I need another big expense at this time!)

On the move, I've got some great news. I think an old friend is going to come out for a short visit of a few days to help me out. Not only will it be great to see him, but the help will be much appreciated!

Until next time, take care of yourself.

Week 52: French Fries

I used to love french fries. But honestly, in the last 15 months, I haven't missed them at all. Today, I slipped out for a fast food lunch, and they included fries in the bag, even though I hadn't ordered them. So what did I do? I ate most of them. And boy, were they delicious! I suppose that part of what made them taste so good is not having them for so long. I ate just a few, and decided that I would stop. But a few minutes later, I realized that I wanted some more, so I helped myself.

Bottom line -- this not having a fridge at this end is probably going to mean a weight gain this week. I'm preparing myself for this possibility. And I'm doing my best to make really good choices during this time. And the next time someone puts french fries in my bag by mistake, I'm not going to touch them!

Week 52: My First Post From My New Home

Well, I won't bore you with the details, but the move is probably going as well as any move can go. My monitor blew up / shorted out as soon I got it set up in its new office, and I'm having to backpeddle on the Internet because my high speed connection is not available today as promised. Things are going slowly, but steadily. I hope to be ready for the movers late next week. (Yes, I'm moving that slowly.) It's more about my physical movement than anything else.

Otherwise, I'm thrilled to be spending most of my time at the house. The downside is that I only have my futon, two chairs, the computer table and equipment, a handful of clothes (with no way to clean them), the basics for the shower and bathroom, and about half of the kitchen stuff. Every day I'm bringing more loads for the kitchen. Most of my pantry is here now, but with only the microwave and no fridge, meal preparation is rather challenging. Translation: I've been buying microwavable food for one meal at a time. And catching some fast food.

And a surprise -- I've just plugged in my new flat screen (LCD) monitor. I hated having to spend so much money, unexpectedly, at a time that is already very expensive for me. But I must add how much I love it. LOVE IT. I could carry it in one hand from the store, for example. It looks fabulous, and it is so great to read. Everything about it is wonderful. It wasn't that much more than a regular, heavy, high voltage type -- and it should last much longer. Did I mention that it doesn't put off the heat of the other kind? There's so much to love about it, now that it's here.

I'm going to try to remember to bring my scales on my trip tomorrow, so I should have a weight to post yet this week.

I'll be back as I have time....

Week 51: Nervous

I can't eat and I can't sleep! (Now, when have I ever said I couldn't eat before?) I go to sign the paperwork for my house in the morning. In fact, I have to leave the house in about 5 hours to get there on time. But do you think I can sleep tonight? Nope. And was I able to eat yesterday? Nope, except for a few bites of yogurt and a half a peanut butter sandwich.

All I can say is this... when the deal is done, I'm going to be ready for a big meal, and a long nap!

Week 51: Down More, But Not 20%

I needed to lose 1.5 pounds this week to reach my 20% milestone, and I came up just short of it. So it will be another week before there is another towel picture. Or, more accurately, another 1/2 pound! I've had a sneak preview, so I know what to expect. I'm hoping that YOU will be shocked at the progress. I know I was.

I've been managing to eat pretty well, considering everything going on with me right now. I'm trying to empty the fridge and freezer, which has all of those food items that looked good one time at the store, but never seem appetizing after they are at home. I wonder what I was thinking when I bought them. Because they are perishable items, I can't just donate them when I move... I either have to eat them or throw them out. I'm doing my best to eat them, but honestly, I know today that a few of those items are going to the curb. :-)

I had the most disgusting dinner tonight. I met a friend, and she likes this place near her house. I've never had anything bad there, but the food is never very tasty. It's pretty bland and boring, and the place is always full of people. It's a good price, but it's not really cheap, so I'm not sure why the place is still in business. Maybe I've just got a different set of taste buds. But if I never eat there again, I won't miss it. Believe me!

I've been casually cruising the "regular" size clothes when I've been in a Ross or TJ Maxx recently. Looking at some of the really cute things, and looking at the larger sizes (14 and 16). There is no way those sizes fit me, yet. I guess I was really looking, hoping to find something so adorable I could buy it now and enjoy waiting until it fits. But when I did notice a couple of things that were potentially keepers, I had this realization. Right now, with my current body shape, I have a good idea of what lines and styles look best on me. In another 20 or 30 pounds, that could all be different! I really don't know what shape body is underneath all of this stomach! So the best bet is to just wait until these cute smaller things actually fit. I am enjoying looking at them, so that won't stop. I just won't be buying anything until I can try it on. That seems like a good policy.

Don't ask about the closing. I'm just putting out my best prayers that the current owner will provide me with a garage door opener, a mail box key, and the replacement disposer that she put in writing she would provide. I guess I can contact Sears if I don't get an opener, and perhaps the Postmaster of my new town can help me get into my mailbox. And I can use the home warranty to replace the disposer. My other option is to refuse to sign the paperwork until those things are provided. I really hate to play hardball like that. But I might still do it. I've put my Realtor on notice that I'm considering it. In a few days, I'll let you know what has happened.

Until I'm back, just imagine me eating food I bought but don't like, groaning over every bite of it. Or, perhaps you can imagine me taking out a HUGE trash bag later in the week, filled with all of the stuff I don't like, and walking up and down the aisles at my neighborhood grocery, picking up just a few things to last me just a few days. Things I like! Wonder which way this will go?!

Week 51

I'm Tired, But Hanging In There

It's all of the crazy stuff in my life right now. Living amongst cardboard boxes. Trying to figure out what to pack last, and what boxes to take over first. Wondering if my new address labels are going to arrive. Wondering when to contact everyone with my new address (after the close of escrow -- which is a moving target at this point). My life is a bit crazy. I realized yesterday that I've been eating exactly the same things every day for about two weeks (except for my Big Mac day, that is!). While I generally don't think repetitive eating is a good idea, right now these foods are easy, and somewhat comforting, as I am in the midst of this big change. I can't wait to get to the other side, to have my fridge again full of food choices, cooking in my new kitchen. It will be wonderful. Until then, I've got options that keep my points in line, even if they aren't exactly exciting or interesting meals. Sometimes, easy and predictable is good.

I've been thinking that perhaps a big tub of sloppy joes might be a good thing to eat next week. I've been inventorying my groceries and have a short list of what I would need to make them up. It sounds better and better as I think about it. Maybe I'll slip out later for a quick grocery run.

Otherwise, I'm doing really well. Points are in line, I'm not quite drinking enough water, but I'm getting enough exercise these days. I'm not sitting too long at the computer, either. And my poor brain is overflowing with ideas, with the potential for new projects at the new house. Last night, I was daydreaming about what to do with all of the extra space in my bedroom, when I realized I could make a yoga center and a special seating area where I could work on very personal projects. Now, I just have to figure out how to accomodate the needs of sitting on the floor, sitting on a chair, perhaps stretching out a for a relaxing read, and table space -- without investing in a lot of furniture. I'll figure something out.

I stopped at my neighborhood Barnes & Noble the other day, and this magazine cover literally jumped out at me. That is the look I want on my new covered patio. I don't know how I can do it, but I'll figure that out. Perhaps not the same colors, but the same lazy summer day feeling, tropical feeling. Can you believe a bought a whole magazine because I was thunder-struck by the picture on the cover? I guess the magazine staff would be thrilled to learn that!

I was invited to a friends house for a pot luck last night, but it was cancelled at the last minute because his kids got sick. It was quite a challenge for me. I was nervous about being around new people, people who would see me as I am, not knowing that I've accomplished so much change to my appearance. And, I don't really have any clothes that fit that I was comfortable wearing. I was going to wear one of my demin flop dresses (flop because they are so big on me now). It would have been fine. I didn't realize until this invitation arrived that I'm feeling so awkward around people. I know that I can't just be in hiding until I think my appearance is good enough!!! I didn't even realize that I had any of that sort of idea floating around in my head. It just goes to show that there is a lot of mental and emotional work that goes along with a weight loss. Most of the time, I feel terrific, very proud of myself because of what I've accomplished so far, and I don't care whether or not people notice the change. So this hide-out-until-I-look-OK feeling is news to me, and something that I'm working to remove, roots and all, from my life. Adios bad idea!

The dinner has been rescheduled for two weeks. I'll let you know how I do getting ready for that one!

Have yourself a terrific week!

Week 50

Big Mac Attack!!

I'm remembering my promise to myself (not to mention how busy I am), so I'm just going to say that I spent a huge chunk of time today on the road between stops related to my move. Going home for dinner wasn't an option. Neither was taking the time to eat in a restaurant. So tonight, I had something I haven't had in a very long time. I had a Big Mac for dinner.

I'm happy to report that the experience was a mix of good and not-so-good. There were aspects of the taste that were delicious, but overall, it wasn't that good. I'm glad that I had the chance to eat one again, and I'll probably have another one before I die, but I won't be craving one, that is for sure. I don't miss them. But I had to really have one in my hands to know that for sure.

As far as car dining goes, it was an ok experience. I pulled off into the retail parking lot next door, and found a place where I could park in the shade. (Hey, it's been in the 90s here the last few days, and I always avoid running the air conditioner, so the shade was great.) I had plenty of napkins, so there wasn't a mess. I took my time and enjoyed it as much as possible. I sat for a while, maybe 10 minutes, and leisurely ate and watched the traffic through the shopping center.

In my next vehicle, I'm considering implementing a no eating policy. No doubt the bad habit of eating in the car (usually while driving) was common before I started eating healthy. I don't do it very often now. But even so, no matter how careful I am, eventually bits of food land somewhere other than my mouth. It would be best for the vehicle's condition not to eat in it. Just an idea I'm toying with.

Week 50

Nothing New To Report

I weighed myself so late last week (Saturday!!!) that there is no change today. Hey, I'll take no change over a gain any day! And I'm at 19.5% weight loss, so it is looking like NEXT WEEK is the new towel photo time! So tune in for that!

After looking at the picture I posted yesterday, I decided that I should give you another shot of my face from the first week. WOW! What a difference! Here they are!

Week 50

50 / 50

Usually, 50/50 means that there is an even split, but today, to me, it means something very different. It's week 50, a nice milestone number, and I've recently lost more than 50 pounds! I'll have a new weight tomorrow morning (if I remember, that is!) but for now, I've lost 53 pounds as of late last week.

I had a picture taken of me with visiting family about two weeks ago. I've blocked out my eyes, but you can still see the rest of my face. My denim dress is so big that it flops on me! Don't misunderstand -- I'm NOT complaining!

Week 49

Good Times?

This week, I've discovered that there are a lot of really good things happening in my life, but I'm not enjoying them. It's almost like I'm afraid to let go and really feel happy. Now, to be fair, what is happening is a real mixed bag -- there are many wonderful things, and a few tough things, all at the same time. It's not like I'm in a golden moment, a time when EVERYTHING seems to be going my way. But based on how I'm reacting today, I think that even if this was a golden moment of my life, I'd find a reason to hold myself back.

I don't understand this. Sure, good times don't last. We don't get to stay happy indefinitely, other things always happen. But I don't understand why I feel so afraid to let go and really feel wonderful right now. I have moments where I start to feel really great, and then they fade back to my "normal" mood, which I would describe as reserved optimism. I never knew that I was so throttled before.

I really want to be a person who feels deeply (I already am that!), someone who isn't afraid to feel deeply no matter what is happening. At the same time, even when things are not going exactly my way, there is always room for optimism. It doesn't have to mean that I will go from peak to valley in an endless cycle of roller coaster hills. I feel only half alive right now, and that the cause of this is my own fear.

I wonder, am I going to feel this way when I reach my goal weight? Am I going to be thinking "yea, but will it last?" How negative!

I really want to be a person who knows how to be happy, how to find the happy in every day living, how to find the happy inside of myself so it is a part of me, and not dependant on outside circumstances. Today, I"m realizing that I haven't done that, and I'm reaching for a place that feels better, feels happier!

Red Towel Update

I decided months ago that I would take new red towel pictures when I reached 20% loss (which means I've lost 20% of my starting weight). If things go well, I could reach that goal as soon as next week! I did a sneak preview with the towel a week ago, and let me tell you -- I was pleasantly SHOCKED at the change. I think you will be, too.

My weight loss has been very slow the last year. Those of you who are watching my progress have seen me stumble and stay still for a long time, with very slow progress. But I want you to realize that even through the slow times, there has been progress. Maybe we can't control how long it takes us to lose our weight, but we can hold ourselves steady on the course (allowing of course for normal variations!). Maybe my experience doesn't match the women on TV who talk about their losses because it took me longer than 5 months to lose 50 pounds. But one thing I've also noticed, there are very few women doing those commercials who started out at my starting weight. Most of them started out where I am now! I don't know what that means, it's just something I've noticed.

So if you are watching me, and you have any doubts about your ability to make a huge life change -- BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT! If you need an example of someone else who is doing it, I'm glad to be an example to boost your own faith. There are people I watch who boost my faith, too. Fast or slow doesn't matter -- what matters is that you take each moment as the next step in your journey, one that will last the rest of your life. That's what I've learned. I may be the tortise, the slow and steady one compared to the women on TV who are the hares, but I have proven to myself that I CAN DO IT, and I will do it all the way to the end. Where ever the end may be.

House Update

Here are some pictures of my new house.

Here is the front of the house, a typical Phoenix suburb style house with stucco and a tile roof.

The house is almost 10 years old. The front has desert landscaping, rocks instead of grass, with a few plants in the front yard. The big bush along the right side is rosemary. Yes, the herb! I've never seen a bush of it this big.

The backyard is small, but I'm determined to turn it into a desert oasis. Right now, it is desert landscaping with three citrus trees, a lemon, an orange, and a grapefruit. I love lemons, oranges are okay, and I guess I'm going to have to learn to like grapefuit!

I'm going to plant grass in the center, and put other plants around the border. Just enough grass for sunbathing!

The kitchen/family room is the best room in the house. I love all of the windows, and the kitchen island will make cooking a lot more fun.

There is a separate living room (see picture below), but this is the room I'm going to live in. I'm putting the TV in this room.

A view of the living room from the kitchen. It's a small room, and I would rather have had a great room instead of two rooms, but I'm flexible. I'm going to put my bookcases in this room, and make it more of a library. Honestly, I don't have enough furniture to fill two living rooms, so this one will be empty except for the bookcase.

Week 49

Long Time, No Write!

Hi everyone

I made two promises to myself on Monday.

First, I said that I would resume making posts here, even if they are very short. (It's almost Thursday, but I'm posting!)
Second, I promised myself that I wasn't going to mention how busy I am. So don't ask me why I haven't been posting, ok?

Last week, I weighed myself (it was a loss!) and updated my weight chart, but didn't post. This week, I keep forgetting to weigh myself, but now I'm posting. Go figure.

The great news is that as of last week, I had lost over 50 pounds. (applause, please!) What a great feeling that is! It's such a huge milestone. I'm so glad that I decided to start my healthy lifetyle project last year, and I'm so grateful that I've stayed with it even through rough times. I'm certainly hoping that the next 50 pounds goes somewhat faster! But I won't complain no matter what the speed.

I've been away from the computer a lot lately because I just bought my first house. The closing is on the 15th. I'm in the middle of jumping through hoops for the loan (which I believe is all done except for the appraisal now) and packing. I'm actually sorting and packing at the same time. I've piled up the couch with things to give away, and the loveseat with things to take to my neighborhood consignment shop. I've filled something like 25 boxes at this point, and most of them are BOOKS! I'm going to clean out the bookcase when I unpack... there is a great used bookstore in Mesa that I use and I'll be living a lot closer to it when I get moved.

I spent a chunk of the Monday at the new place, hanging around waiting for the gas man to turn it on and check the gas appliances. It has gas heat and water heater, and the rest of the appliances, including the kitchen, are electric. It should be interesting to see how that works out. I've bought a new kitchen faucet, and discovered on Monday that I have a programmable thermostat (which was going to be my NEXT purchase). The house has double glass windows (great for energy bill cutting), and the roof is full of insulation. So now that those practical issues are all taken care of, I can start to think about the cosmetic things I want to do.

First on my list is the front door. The screen doesn't close quite right, so I'm going to fix that (don't ask me how, I'll have to figure that out). Then, the hardware on the door looks really shabby and feels loose. I'm going to see if I can tighten it up. I may end up replacing some of it. And the front door is covered with scratches, so it needs to be painted. That's a quick afternoon project, but one that is very important. I learned a long time ago that it's important to take care of the front entrance to my house. Not only does it make the first impression people have of me and my home (and since I occasionally have business visitors, that is critical), but from a feng shui standpoint the front door is the most important part of the house.

The whole house is beige inside. I want to warm up the color a bit, perhaps a taupe, and then add color in the bedroom, and some accent wall colors. I'm going to take my time with this, though. I want to watch how the light moves through the house during the day.

This house feels so solid to me. I can't explain it any better than that. I've been in a lot (trust me on this) of houses in the last few months, and this is the first one that really felt rock solid to me. There were a few that had floorplans and features that I liked better, but they felt flimsy compared to this. This feels like a place where I can put down roots and be settled.

I have to confess that the last week I've slipped back to some bad eating patterns. Few groceries, and substituting a Coke for a meal. I nipped it in the bud, and for the first time in many months, I actually have a taste for fruits and my usual kinds of foods again. I think this is like anything else in life, there are times when you slip into autopilot and it's a good thing, and other times when things creep in that you have to weed back out. I'm not worried about it. It feels like real life to me.

OK, I'm feeling a bit more caught up. I promise you to keep my promises to myself.

Week 47

Grateful For Small Changes

Well, I've lost another half pound, and I'm a half pound from losing 50 pounds. I am grateful for another week of loss.

With all of the physical things going on with me, and still working through some of the issues that came up around my illness last year, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about my body and body image.

(Wow, that was a long kitty break!)

I have been on quite a journey related to my body image since I started all of this in January 2002. I've been losing weight slowly, a bit more slowly than I really would like. But at the same time, I wonder if this pace maybe has been perfect. It has given me time to adjust emotionally to these changes and adjust my body image slowly, without any stresses. And like I said, the mental/emotional changes have been huge.

When I first started out, I thought I would like to lose about 100 pounds. That would put me about 175. Anyone with eyes knows that at 175, I would still be heavy. I think that was a safe goal for me because it didn't challenge my body image in a dramatic way, but it did improve my health greatly! It was a good goal relative to my starting point.

However, as I've seen the weekly Weight Watchers newsletters, and all of the diet plan commercials on TV, many of them START about 175 and lose 50 pounds to look great. When I realized that my ENDING point was their STARTING point, I had some work to do. I had to open myself up to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could actually be THIN when this process is over. I've never been thin as an adult, or really, as a teen. It's a whole new world to me, and a totally new way to think of myself.

To help me with my legs, I'm seeing a physical therapist, a wonderful woman who is tall and slender. A few weeks back, she told me that about 10 years ago, she had lost 50 pounds. I was shocked! I've known her for almost that long, and I've always seen her as very slender! She's kept her weight off for 10 years. I realized then that I've also been influenced by the yo-yo effect I've seen so many people go through. I don't know of many people who have lost weight and kept it off. Most people lose and then slowly put a good deal of it back on. Those were the ones that I had considered successful.

So in all of this, I've had to come to grips with the idea that I can mold my body into what I want it to be, to really take responsibility for my body shape. Yes, there are some physical factors that have worked in favor of my weight gain, and yes, those factors remain in my life. But I can decide to overcome them all, or decide to let them be in charge. One important idea I had from the start is that I'll let my body tell me when it is done losing weight. I really don't know how my body will adapt and adjust to the weight loss, I can't imagine myself at a smaller weight or know what, for example, 150 pounds will look like. But I can be determined to take this journey all of the way to the end. And now, after these realizations and adjustments, the end is me with a thin body. That's a goal I've been afraid to dream about, something that never seemed possible to me before.

Week 47

Forgot to Weigh In

Sorry that I don't have any news to report. I'm going to try to remember tomorrow!

Apart from that, I do have a lot going on. I'm still househunting. In fact, I'm going to put in an offer on a house on Tuesday morning. It will be my third attempt... hopefully this one is a charm! If not, I'll be out looking at new homes again next week. Sigh. At least I enjoy the looking part. I like them best when they are vacant.

Help!


Blogger broke my last entry and won't let me back into it! So, I'm trying again! (Does anyone know how to delete a post that you can't edit???)

Of course, they have changed the sign since the last time I attended a meeting there, almost a year ago! So it's not exactly how it was when I was there, but it's close enough for the scrapbook. I never saw the view with the desert landscaping, either. I always came in from the north and just saw the sign on the lawn. That's the parking lot side of the building. I only discovered the landscaping on the other side when the traffic forced me to go around the block to turn the way I wanted to go. Thankfully, the view was better from that side and I was able to snap another picture.

I've promised myself that I'm going to spend some time over the weekend scanning in some of the before pictures I've collected. They are sitting here, next to me on the desk, just waiting to be used. I've even thought about emailing my family to see if they will email me digital copies of any pics they might have, but I know better. They will say that the pictures are in the mail, and I'll never get them. They mean well, but like everyone else, their priorities don't line up with mine! :-) After all, what could possibly be more important that my THEN AND WOW scrapbook? So what if the girls have a softball game? (Just kidding!!!)

Week 46

Stop The Presses!!

I know, I weighed in yesterday. But this morning, I was downstairs, the scales were out, and I thought... "well, it is Monday..." so I stepped on. I've lost a pound since yesterday! So, I've reworked my weight chart to show the new loss.

I really needed that boost, too. Last night, I went through a slump where I really got lost in that incomplete fulfillment thing. I cried hot tears. I think, I hope, I got it all out of my system. It's always amazing to me how even though some part of me knows something, other parts of me don't seem to understand. I know that life is mostly lived in this incomplete fulfillment state. We spend a whole lot more time working towards goals than we do accomplishing goals. Goals are accomplished in a moment. And once they are accomplished, we almost immediately set out with a new goal in mind. It seems to me that is a key characteristic of being human -- having a vision of what/where we want next. So given the statistics of time, that much fewer moments are spent at the accomplishment than we spend in the working towards -- it seems totally logical that the state of incomplete fullfilment is the most normal and natural thing. So how come I felt so bad last night? It's a mystery to me.

The good news -- I've lost 49 pounds. I'm somewhere near half way through my weight loss, but not quite. I think I've got about 70 more pounds to lose. But what a huge chunk of weight I've lost! Yipppppeeeeee!!!!! I'm not planning any sort of special reward for 50 pounds. I do have one planned for 100, and I promised myself not to spend a lot of money this year on rewards. Last year, they were very helpful! This year, I've got a new plan. I'm sure that I've written about it before. I bought an album and some paper to do a weight loss scrapbook. I'm calling the book "Then and WOW!" - a sort of before (Then) and after (WOW). Perhaps I should call it "Results not typical." I've been back through all of the pictures of me heavy that I can find. I'm going to make a collage on one page of all of these before pictures. I'm going to do a Weight Watchers page with my ribbons and weight check in card. I'm going to include some of my favorite recipes and foods. I've started planning all of this, but haven't really started the album. Maybe I should start with a special page for reaching 50 pounds. I can take some pics of me and write about how I feel about this goal. That would be a good project, something that won't cost me anything but will really give me a boost.

If you are on a weight loss journey, I really encourage you to keep some sort of map of where you have been. Keep a blog (free at www.blogger.com), keep a special journal, do a scrapbook -- whatever fits your interests. When the going gets tough, and we all have those moments, having a record to look back on really reminds me that I am making progress and encourages me to pick myself up and keep going. It's funny, too, but the fat pictures that used to make me feel guilty and ashamed now make me feel proud -- proud that I've made a lifestyle change so I don't look like that any more. There is no sting any more when I look at those pictures. That is a good thing!