Tuna Noodle Casserole
(adapted from the Cream of the Crop cookbook by Weight Watchers Magazine)

Ingredients:
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
1/4 cup chopped onions
3 tbs margarine
3 tbs all purpose flour
2 cup skim milk
4 cup cooked medium egg noodles
1 cup peas (small can)
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
1/8 tsp thyme
1 9 oz can white tuna
1/2 cup broccoli heads
1/4 cup bread crumbs
1/2 cup shreded sharp cheddar cheese

Directions:
-- Preheat oven to 350.
-- Fix noodles according to directions. Drain and set aside.
-- Place saucepan over medium heat. Add mushrooms and onion. Saute for 3 minutes. Drain and set aside.
-- Melt margarine over medium heat. Add flour, stirring with a wisk until blended. Cook 1 minute, stirring. Add milk and cook for 6 minutes or until thick and bubbly, stirring occasionally. Pour into a large mixing bowl.
-- Add mushrooms, noodles, salt, pepper, thyme, tuna and broccoli. Mix together until blended.
-- Spoon into a shallow 2 qt baking dish. Top with bread crumbs and cheese. Cover and bake for 30 minutes (I use foil). Uncover and bake for 5 more minutes.

Serves 8 (6 points per serving).

Week 4
Working At It Every Day

I've been quite busy with work this week, and in spite of the stresses associated with that, I'm right on track. This decision I've made requires daily effort, not every minute, not every meal, but a constant willingness to do the work. To take the time to measure food. To calculate the points per serving. To keep track of what I've eaten each day. The occasional snack attack also requires me to stop and think about what I'm doing instead of acting out of an impulse. I really don't mind doing any of these things, and I know that as more time goes by, some of these tasks will become more routine and take even less effort. But even at today's effort level, it is not too much. I'm not sure why I put this off for so long... it's not so bad.

And the benefits are starting to show up. I haven't reached the point where anyone has noticed yet. Most people aren't paying any attention, and I don't blame them for that. My friend Jeff, a good friend, had lost 40 pounds before I realized the huge change under his baggy clothes. And this is someone I really care about. So I know that little pleasure is yet to come. In the meantime, my favorite orange shirt was flapping in the breeze today! That felt good. My bra felt looser today, and that is good. I can see some change in my body, and that is thrilling.

Planning Rewards

I've been thinking about my 10 pound reward, and I'm thinking about jewelry. I have discovered that T.J. Maxx has really cheap jewelry! I stopped at their jewelry boat my last trip into the store, and spotted a beautiful silver necklace with a jade pendant, surrounded by small peridot cut stones, that was under $20 -- perfect for my neice for her 16th birthday next month. I looked at a few things for myself, but am not in a rush to make a purchase. I'm thinking now that I might get myself a nice silver chain and a gemstone pendant, which I should be able to do for about $40. It's more than I wanted to spend, but it will be a nice, permanent reward. Something I can enjoy for a long time. I'm thinking that I can use the chain with other pendants if I decide to buy more of them as rewards later. So, that's my idea today.

I'm taking a few minutes for myself while my dinner is cooking, and then, I'm back to work for the rest of the evening. I don't mind that, either. The work is interesting. Ten more minutes, according to my timer.

Week 4
I'VE LOST TEN POUNDS!!!

I'm more than a little excited about this, and quite proud of myself. I want to figure out some sort of reward I can give myself for reaching each 10 pound milestone. Since it will be happening frequently (4 to 6 week, hopefully), I don't want to spend a lot of money. It also won't involve FOOD. Maybe it doesn't have to be the same thing each time. A restful treat would be wonderful. If I could do something totally away from working that would be great.

Here are some of my ideas:
-- day hike into the desert
-- massage followed by a long bath
-- movie day
-- craft day???

I will think about this later.

Interesting Dreams

I had two very interesting dreams last night.

In the first dream, I was in a neighborhood very much like the one I grew up in. There was a guy moving out of a house, he was piling things into the back of a truck. He was parked in front of a sky blue house, a craftsman bungalo. When I looked closer, it was a duplex with side-by-side units and not a house, and it was large. My first reaction was "can I buy this duplex?" I asked the guy if I could go in and look around, and he said I could. I started to walk into the unit on the left, and as I entered the front hall, I realized that the whole building was quite different than it looked from the outside. There were two units inside this one, front-to-back, and they were three stories high! I started exploring, and realized that it was actually two loft spaces inside there. I stayed there while the guy left. Eventually I left, walked away a few steps, and turned around to go back. When I returned, there were other people on the driveway, three different women with assorted children, who were looking at the duplex. It still looked like a duplex craftsman bungalo, single story, from the outside. We all went in. And now the neighborhood around us changed, and there were train tracks running outside of the duplex that connected each of the floors to each other. I was walking along one of them, and I could see the apartment complex manager's office, and the other unit, which appears to be a log cabin structure, next to it. These two men show up, and they want to look at the duplex, and one is the tennant of the log cabin and the other is the manager. Both decide that they want to move into this unit. The women start moaning about how it isn't fair, but I tell them I think it is fair, and wish them well. I leave the area.

In the next dream segment, I return to my parents home. My mom is selling a house to my favorite British celeb, the one who appears in several of my dreams. We talk a bit, and then I tell him something about my weight -- that in some way, I'm using the weight to make myself more ferocious to deal with, to present a more formidable image to others, a sort of "cross me if you dare" attitude. The confession, while totally new information to me, in the dream feels very honest. But my mom interrupts and makes a reference to my current project. "Oh yes," I add, "but now I'm on Weight Watchers and I'm learning to be more ferocious with my personality" and I smile a knowing sort of smile. He tells me that he doesn't see anything ferocious about me, only sweetness. In that moment, I know that he is telling me that it's ok to be ferocious in defending yourself and going after what you want in life, and that I wasn't using it to bully others, so it wasn't really ferocious.

Since being up, I've asked myself if that is true, that I use the weight as a shield and a threat to others. The shielf part is true, I'm sure. I'm sure being larger also gives me a sort of "pecking order" strength. What is important from this dream is not whether that statement from me is really true, but the knowledge that I must now find the resources within my personaltiy to be stronger as my body size shrinks so I don't feel vulnerable. Interesting image.

The house dream is a variation on my continuing "I've found new rooms in my house" dream series. I know this is a good dream, and shows that I'm in the midst of real, significant growth and change. I knew it, but it is always nice to have this type of reminder.

Week 4
WOW -- ALMOST A MONTH!

I am so excited to be starting week 4! It's great to be a month into my new life. I feel so good about everything that is going on. I still feel like I'm struggling a bit to get a good routine down, but I've made such huge changes and am seeing such great results. I didn't expect to change my life overnight, or in one month. Later this week, I'll make a list of successes and things I want to work on next month.

Tonight, I'm working all evening on the computer. I've noticed that I have a snacking problem when I'm working so much. So tonight, I have a big bottle of water and an orange standing by to get me through this.

I've been out looking at other people's journals, and I'm encouraged to see all of the before and after pictures. I've been trying to decide some of the details about how I'm going to measure my progress, and after seeing some great ideas from other people, I've got a plan.

First, I'm going to use the body mass indicator as my overall barometer of progress.

Second, I'm going to set some interim goals. I might even post them in the margins of the pages with dates when they are reached. That will help me to keep track of the big picture and not get lost in the weekly measurements and such.

Third, I think I'm going to redo the pictures when I reach my 10% goal. It seems like there will be enough of a change that I will be encouraged by the pictures!

Fourth, I'm going to organize all of my clothes on a continum in the closet, from largest to smallest. That way I know what will fit, and I will know what to get rid of as I shrink out of them.

I think this will help a lot. I hope to get these things done this week, after I get through all of my deadlines early in the week. That's an interesting twist, too. I've got some heavy deadlines hanging over me, and I've not been challenged too much by the stress of them. GOOD FOR ME!!!

Two signs that things are getting better:
-- I can't remember the last time my hip was out of alignment
-- No more junk food gas in the morning!

Week 3
What A Great Dream!

Last night, I had two very quick but wonderful dreams. In the first, I was in a beauty parlor getting my hair done in a new style. My face was thin and the new cut made me look fabulous. I was just staring at myself in the mirror. In the second dream, I went to find a man I worked for, and found instead his son who is my age. He invited me to join him dancing, and taught me the Texas Two-Step. I was thin, and was wearing a long full skirt and cowboy boots (how convenient!). We danced all around the floor and had a great time.

Pizza Night!
My last trip to the grocery, I picked up one of the California Pizza Kitchen's frozen pizzas -- Thai Chicken Pizza, my favorite! I feel so lucky to have the restaurants here, and that is usually what I order. Well, tonight, I decided to fix it for dinner. After reading the label, I discovered that a serving is 1/3 of the pizza, and it is 6 points. I made up my mind that I was going to fix the whole thing, but only eat half of it tonight for a total of 9 points. It turned out perfect in the oven. I had only water with it, and it was wonderful to eat something I really love. I wrapped up the rest, and will probably have it for lunch tomorrow. It was a good decision to purchase it, and I will pick up another one so I can have another pizza night (and a following lunch) in the future.

Week 3
A Wonderful Dinner

I finally had time to make a new recipe I've been wanting to make and it was wonderful. It's based on the Lemon Garlic Chicken from the Two's Company book from Weight Watcher's magazine. It was easy to make, too.

Lemon Garlic Chicken
I varied the recipe a bit from the book and adjusted the points accordingly.
Updated again on 3 March with my latest changes.

Ingredients:
1/4 C fresh lemon juice
2 tbs molasses
2 tsp Worchester sauce
4 garlic cloves, chopped
8 chicken breasts, skinned
1/4 tsp salt
8 tsp lemon pepper

To make:
Combine first four ingredients in a baking dish and stir well. Add chicken, turning to coat. Cover and marinate in the refridgerator for 1 hours, turning chicken occasionally. Preheat over to 425. Dredge the breasts in the lemon pepper and salt. Place in a baking pan and add the remaining marinade. Bake for 40 minutes, basting occasionally.

I also fixed garlic mashed potatos and green beans. My secret for mashed potatos is that I buy the box of potatoe flakes that are plain and add garlic granules and chives myself to the water before adding the flakes to the water. It was a great dinner, followed by my own recipe for Lemon Delight (lemon sorbet with peppermint). The mint was a nice follow up to the garlic. It was a wonderful dinner.

Hello to everyone who has been stopping by and sending me email. Welcome.

Week 3
Snacking Temptations

Last night, I couldn't sleep and I found myself wanting to snack the closer it got to morning. I know it is normal to start getting hungry before breakfast, so I think this was honest hunger. I was too tired to think about fixing something, I wanted something fast and easy. I did end up snacking. But now that it is morning, I realize that I do need to have some handy things around. Last night, I could have eaten a Balance Bar, but I forgot that I had them. It might not have been fewer points, but it would have been more nutritious than what I did eat.

Maybe I should put some acceptable snacks upstairs for this reason.

What Are They Thinking?

Lawyers See Fat Payoffs in Junk Food Lawsuits
Surgeon General David Satcher has named obesity as one of the great killer diseases. And people are starting to think about suing junk food companies for contributing to their disease. Reading this makes me so glad that I'm taking responsibility for my own life and health instead of looking for someone to blame.

Week 3
Thinking About Hermitting

This week, I met with a new client who shared with me that she also used to work from home. She stopped when she realized that she had a strong hermitting tendency and so working at home wasn't such a good idea for her. She described some of the symptoms, such as wearing pjs all day, not going outsides for days at a time, etc. All of which I know in my own life. I shared that with her, and explained that I have been working over the years to find the balance that allows me to enjoy the quiet of my office without feeling shut off from the world.

Out of all of the conversations I've had this week, this one keeps coming back to me. That moment, that conversation, holds a gift for me. As I started thinking about it, I realized that there is a link between the hermiting tendence, the lack of physical movement and even the boundary issues in my life. It's very easy and safe to work from home without all of the social interactions required in a workplace. That is one of the major benefits of working from home, and one I appreciate the most. But it also is a quiet world where I can concentrate for hours without interruptions, and thoughts and ideas can flow easily through my creative process. Work is more efficient and enjoyable this way for me, also.

Balancing The Challenges

So, unlike my client, I saw the challenges in my environment and have worked to overcome them, to stretch myself and keep finding new ways to create a balance so they don't become dangers. For the most part, I think I've done a great job. I've caught myself being a hermit, and I've taken steps to notice it sooner, and built in routines that help to prevent it from happening. Things like scheduling lunch with friends, shopping for groceries off peak hours, and taking in an occasional afternoon movie -- one of my guilty little pleasures.

Because of my work, I tend to live inside my own head, living in a world of ideas. Computers, writing, and searching the Internet are all sedentary pursuits, which I try to balance with yoga and a daily walking routine. When I'm actually walking every day, I feel great. The fresh air (even in Phoenix's polluted air this time of year), the trees, the birds, the sky and the mountains make for a delightful break in my routine, and bring oxygen to my blood, both physically and spiritually. I'm planning to resume my walking next week as part of my overall health plan.

Living Within Boundaries

One of the things I've learned about myself over the years is about boundaries. I seem to do best when I can limit my exposure to other people, workplace politics, and the emotional demands of others. I don't know why I'm like this. I believe it may be because of being emotionally sensitive, so I pick up on the conflicts between what is said and what is felt when I'm around people. It may be because I approach my life more like an artist, with more of a creative process than a manufacturing process, or an accounting process. Whatever the reasons, it is who I am, and for now, my choice is to work from home. Part of this is managing the challenges so I can be successful and experience the joy of the freedom of my work environment.

I feel like I'm circling in closer and closer to the heart of this issue, and yet, I haven't pierced it. In some ways, if I think about my working environment in geometry terms, I have created a smaller space to living and work within. And in some ways, by living inside my head, I have reduced the size even more. So even though I have this whole condo to move and work within, I spend 90% of my time at the computer, and even more time, living with the idea world inside my head. The walking really breaks those self-imposed restrictions, and gives me a bigger world to live in and to interact with.

On Monday, I was walking down the sidewalk in this shopping center, and I became aware of a man staring at me. At first, the feeling was strange. I don't get stared at a lot. And my body isn't the reason he was staring. I know it was the confidence in my heart and step that got and held his attention. But it reminded me that part of what I will being to encounter again is men staring at me. So I'm glad I got this small taste now, to remind me and to get me thinking so I can be prepared for this change. I know that many people will start treating me diferently as the weight comes off. And in one way, the weight has been a boundary, a protection so that kind of thing was outside my world.

It's time for me to open up the windows of my life for some fresh air. It's time to start letting people in my life in new ways. It's time to expand my daily living world to include all of the things that are good for me, things that are part of my new healthy lifestyle.

Temptations

The late evening has been tougher than the morning and afternoon. Maybe it's because I'm still working at the computer, but I've been tempted to snack all evening. I did get myself a handful of crackers which amounts to 3 points, and I have the points to spare. But I can see where this sedentary writing is linked to snacking.

Good to realize it.

Week 3
Feeling Great

Yesterday, I resumed my morning yoga routine after several weeks away from it. Boy, could I feel the difference in my body! I could move easier, especially the twisting through my torso. I can feel the weight loss on my back and hips already, even though the number of pounds is still small. These wonderful feelings really help to reinforce my efforts, and have me quite excited. Maybe more excited that I should be after such a short time. But hey, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

One of the best things about this time, these last fews days, is that this is what I wanted my diet to feel like. I am not hungry between meals. I'm eating interesting things. I feel very good physically. And I'm having a great time exploring all of these new feelings emotionally. My life is good.

Today for lunch, I ate leftovers from last night's cooking: tuna noodle casserole. I've got some ideas for changing the recipe, but basically it is a great one. Tonight, I could eat more of the leftovers, but I'm thinking about making the lemon chicken for some variety.

One thing that is becoming clear -- I need to reorg the kitchen a bit. I've just added all of the serving savers and I'm using pots and pans a lot more than usual. Maybe one day next week I'll pull everything out, sort, reorg and then enjoy my neat new kitchen arrangement.

Another great day.

Week 3
Re-Commitment

I got weighed yesterday, and even with all of my problems last week, I was right on target with my loss. Somehow, that fact stirred in me a new commitment, a stronger desire, to play by the rules, to build momentum, and to pay more attention to the process than the results. So I returned to writing in my journal after a few days off. I also purchased a new cookbook, and this one is really going to be wonderful. On just about every page I found something great.

The first real challenge for me is to learn how to feed myself. It may seem crazy that a woman of my age doesn't know how to eat, even with the amount of nutritional and metabolism information I have gathered. I haven't been using what I know. And now, I'm learned whole new things. My last grocery run involved some stocking up on new things, some seasonings and some new basic kitchen ingredients that I've not used before. And as I'm reading the ingredients of these recipes, I already have 90% of the extras, leaving me only to purchase the meat and primary ingredients, which is a good feeling.

Today, I'm thinking about making Tuna Noodle Casserole for dinner and freezing what is left over. I haven't decided about the rest of the week. But I'm very excited about the new cooking options, and the food sounds really delicious and appeals to me greatly.

I'm really proud of myself and the progress I'm making.

This morning, I got up at 4 am, and I'm working this week to get myself back on this schedule. I did yoga this morning and my meditation before eating an orange for the start of my breakfast. I've also got my first glass of water started here on the computer table. I'm on my way to creating the lifestyle I really want, one that sets me free to follow my heart and my impulses, and supports me.

Week 3
Faciliting The Process

Last night, I went to the grocery and stocked up on good things, and ingredients to make some new recipes. I'm excited to get started. But when I started putting things away, I discovered that my cupboard was full. I have just spent the last two hours trying to make sense of my limited cupboard space, and trying to find a space for everything. I've got things put away, but there is more work needed. Maybe one day next week I will really sort through and remove the items that I'm not likely to eat. I need to find a place where I can donate them... I just can't throw away perfectly good food in containers that haven't been open.

I expect that I will find storage problems popping up for a while, especially while I'm dramatically changing the types of groceries I purchase and use. I'm aware of the issues now, and I can start thinking about solutions in the back of my mind. But overall, even though this task was a bit frustrating and a totally unexpected event in my day, I feel good about it. I feel like I'm making adjustments in all of these areas of my life, and making it easier to keep on track.

One thing I purchased last night was a set of Sharpie permanent markers. I'm going to write the serving points on containers so I don't have to recalculate them each time I go to use something. I need to find a better way to setup my pens, my journal and my points calculator so they are always handy and ready. I also need a space to store my Weight Watchers books nearby. I am thinking that I should clear off a space in the dining room bookcase for this, maybe put them in a storage box so they stay together as one thing instead of the many little things they really are.

Bravo! I feel great about what I'm doing and my progress. I've got good feelings about my weigh in tomorrow, too.

Week 2
Enjoying My Progress

Last night, I was hungry, out of groceries and had lots of points left (as usual). I did something I never thought I would do -- I got out my Dining Out guide and looked at the points on the McDonalds menu. I ended up getting my usual order, a Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a Coke. Even though the points are high, I had them. The meal was delicious. Well, it was McDonalds usual food, but I ate it slowly and chewed every bite carefully. In fact, I was full before I finished the burger, leaving quite a bit uneaten and unwanted. It was a great experience.

I've been pouring through new recipes today to make my weekly grocery list. From experience, I'm seeing what I need to keep on hand, and am also including some ingredients for some experimental menu items. I'm still enjoying this process, and I'm thrilled that I've been able to stay completely on track even with the difficulties this week. I'm determined that with new groceries, new choices, I'm going to have a great week starting tomorrow.

And I'm wondering how much I've lost this week. I'm hoping it is about 3 pounds. Based on my starting weight, that number is reasonable. I'll know in a couple of days.

I'm really proud that I've been doing this for two weeks now. I feel this pride at various times throughout the day. I noticed it again last night while I was talking with someone I've known a long time. I considered telling him what I was up to, but it wasn't really appropriate to the conversation or to our relationship. I like the fact that I've got this good little secret in my inner world, and know that soon it will be obvious in my outer world. For now, I don't need the feedback from other people.

I've been thinking about my issues around this loss. In the past, I've really freaked out the first time a friend has commented on a weight loss, the comment indicating that there is going to be a new way to treat me. That has always terrified me. There is a part of me that still wants to scream at people "I'm the same person inside no matter what I look like on the outside!" I suppose my statement is mostly true. I'm doing this because I want to have the experience of changing my life. I want to improve my health. I want to make my life easier by making my body easier to move. But mostly, I want the experience of knowing I can make a huge change in my life.

I'm not doing this because I want people to treat me differently. However, I do want to strip away the obstacles to being understood and appreciated. I deeply want to open myself to greater connection to other people. I want to be seen. I realize that I've been forcing myself to be invisible and out of sight. I thought that was a positive choice for me, but I didn't realize the full range of consequences. Now, with more information, I'm able to understand that the impulse that drove me to hide would be better served in a different way. I have a strong need for inner boundaries that I've not had... and I've replaced with physical boundaries. Based on this, I'm thrilled to sense my own inner boundaries growing -- the area that defines my little secret when I'm talking with other people is an example.

I know that my morning routine with yoga is about boundaries for me. I am carving out a time that is all mine, and I love luxuriating in that time. I know that how I resolve this boundaries issue is critical to my overall success.

Week 2
Seeing Connections

I wish I could say that today has been, well, a piece of cake. It's been good, but still it is a challenge to eat my full amount. I had hoped that yesterday's decisions would ease my situation. Perhaps they did. Its impossible to know what my day would have been like if yesterday had been different. I think the truth is that I've hit my own wall very early in the process, which means that I am making true lifestyle changes much quicker than I had expected. I'm consciously making choices, feeling the flow of habit and making different choices. And, I suppose in the greater perspective, that is a good thing.

I noticed something interesting today, a relationship between food and money, and the feeling of being in the flow. I seem to understand how energy flows better with money than with food. But what I noticed today, is that I adjust the flow of money through me, almost like adjusting the amount of water coming out of the faucet. There are times when I feel I can spend freely, and there are other times when I feel I must be careful and frugal. I noticed that my feeling today about resisting taking in food is very much the same feeling as when I am careful and frugal with money.

The reason I've noticed this today is because my work situation has changed in the last few days. And today, feeling some freedom, I felt I could make some purchases and felt great freedom. In truth, the amount I spent was not out of the ordinary, and was an amount I could have spent even if the work situation had not changed. The only thing that really changed was the feeling of freedom. And that burst of fresh freedom with money helped me to see that I don't have the same sort of feeling with food.

In the past, I have called diets a "food budget" -- and I suppose that is more true than I realized at the time. With both, there is a need to regulate the flow so that the maximum benefit is obtained with what is available. I like the money analogy for food really well, now that I'm thinking about it. I want to remain open. I don't want to put any food items on a forbidden list. I want to feel free to pick and choose food items that together create a nutritional balance for the day, and to have room for variety from day to day that makes life interesting. In the past, in addition to being rather shut down, I've also become quite a routine eater, having the same limited number of things over and over. I think that is why I love my experimental cooking meals, they introduce variety and fun into the food process.

All of this gives me plenty to work with in the coming days while I watch what else becomes obvious.

Lemon Refresher
This is a variation on my Mango Delight, and was a wonderful creation that I will have many more times.

Ingredients:
1/2 C of lemon sorbet
2 gingersnap cookies
Peppermint (dried and fresh)

To make:
Soften the sorbet before starting. Scoop 1/2 cup into a wine glass. Sprinkle with dried peppermint (tea) and swirl it into the sorbet. Add the two cookies at the top. Add fresh peppermint on top, or sprinkle lightly with more dried.

I love both lemon and peppermint, so this was a real treat. Also, the lemon sorbet takes up one less point than the mango!

Reclaiming My Day

Today has gone better than the last two days. I'm full, I've stayed within my points, and I have eaten fruits. It wasn't a perfect day, but it was a good compromise. I am proud of what I've done.

Week 2:
Another Challenge

I didn't expect the honeymoon to last forever, but it would have been nice to get more than one week. :-)

On both Monday and Tuesday, I did not eat the full amount of food. I did write things down, and I did make choices that fit my new food plan, but I didn't eat enough. I didn't have much appetite. I didn't even eat everything on my plate at any meal. I also didn't like the taste of things that last week seemed delicious.

I'm not discouraged, and I'm not giving up so easily. Today is a new day, and I've planned a grocery shopping trip after reading through a Weight Watchers recipe book, so I'm armed with new foods to try. I'm sure that I am going to get through this.

This is new for me. I've never seen so clearly before how I shut down on food intake. I think the challenge on Monday about how to measure my progress threw a monkeywrench into things for me, but now that I have seen this, I can do something about it. I should be thrilled, still celebrating my first week's loss! I'll find that space today.

Week 2:
A New and Unexpected Challenge

Yesterday was my first weigh in, and I thought I would rush home and post my results here immediately. In fact, I had decided that each week I would give the total number of pounds lost so far as a way to keep track of my progress. But something that was said in the meeting gave me an unexpected challenge, and I've spent most of the last day thinking about it, with no solution.

Even though I had said that my goals were not related to numbers, I was going to track my progress with a number, how much I had lost. And yet, I do know that every week of a diet there may or may not be a weight loss. This is because the body has other ways of reacting to the diet, including losing inches instead of pounds. I realized there is no ONE WAY for me to track my progress.

So, how can I keep track of what I've really accomplished?

First, I asked myself why I felt tracking progress is so important. I like the sense of momentum it gives. When I first started my walking program years ago, I kept track of my distance each day and was thrilled when I realized I had walked the distance between Phoenix and Tucson. My next set of goals was to walk the equivalent of the distance from Phoenix to Los Angeles, a route I frequently drive. I started marking what exit or city I was approaching with each week's progress. It made the whole process more fun, and it gave me a greater sense of what I was doing. After all, I was really walking in circles around my neighborhood, but putting my small daily efforts into a larger context made me feel great about myself! I would like to find a similar thing to do with the dieting.

Second, I checked to see if what I thought were my goals were really my goals. I have two goals today, to lose 10% of my initial body weight (given to me by Weight Watchers) and to be able to wrap the red towel around me after a shower. I really don't have a size or weight goal, no specific number for either one. I still think that is a good strategy, NOT to use numbers. I don't know what my body wants to weigh, I don't know what size will correspond to my goal. Part of this, I recognize, is that I'm afraid to make a big commitment to a goal that I might not reach. The 10% is certainly within reach. The towel seems doable, also. I am not setting out to reach some ideal body size or weight, just to make a big difference in appearance and health.

I then wondered if my fear of making a huge commitment was a problem, or if it was really smart. I'm not sure the answer to that one. I think my towel goal is really an interim goal, and not a final goal. Once I reach that point, I can decide if I am going to keep going towards an ideal body weight, or if that is enough for me. I would like to think that I would stay on track until I've finished, but that goal seems SO FAR away and is a bit scary because it would cause me to really work through some of my body image issues. I'm not feeling ready to take all of that on.

I promise myself this: I will stay lighthearted and loosely focused on my goals as long as that works for me. If I find that this looseness is really hindering me from making a commitment and being successful, I will do whatever it takes to reach my goals. I'm not willing to commit to a project longer than one year at this time, although I need to also promise myself this: I am making permanent lifestyle changes. I promise that I will continue to use what I learn this year to run my life in the following years. But during this year, I am also committed to being focused on my body and health, and I am not commiting myself to the same level of awareness for any following years.

For now, I'm going to make a list of heavy objects, maybe even things that I own, and use those as mileposts to my weight loss.

P.S. -- I LOST FIVE POUNDS! YIIIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Week 2:
A New Recipe

I've invented a new tuna salad recipe. I discovered that mustard is almost a free food on this plan, so I'm going to be adding it to everything.

Crunchy Tuna Salad

1/4 C tuna in spring water, drained
1/2 Tbs mayo (the real stuff, not a light version)
1 English muffin, split
quirt of mustard
1/4 tsp relish
I sliced green onion
2 in section of celery, sliced thin
dash of marjoram

Combine all ingredients and spread over one half of english muffin.

It was very filling, with a good texture and a complex taste. Not like the plain tuna salad I usually make, much better. I could not pick out either the mustard of the relish. Next time, I may also add chopped onion. I really prefer the taste of real mayo. This was quite moist without a lot of mayo. In the future, I may consider adding back in a bit of the water if it seems dry.

Tonight I went through a spell where I wanted to snack. I looked over my journal and noticed that I was still 10 points below, and maybe some of the snacking impulse was real hunger. I fixed myself a solid meal. I'm sure there will be more moments like those, but as long as I'm prepared to work them through, I think everything will work out great. And, it will help if I've got a few points available and some nutritious snacking items around, like an apple or something similar. I bought some popcorn, all I have to do is pull out the air popper and I can have something with texture to eat, especially when I pop in a movie in the evening. But first, I want to make sure that I'm eating my minimum and that I am not snacking out of habit.

Week 1: Ground Zero
Finding A Balance

Last night, I went to dinner with a friend at a favorite restaurant. I was prepared to make a healthy choice, but when I got there, I wanted to have my favorite, one of their signature dishes. I only ate half of the serving, but I’m sure it was way over the top in points. I tried to obtain the nutritional information from the restaurant, but I was told they didn’t have it. (I’m thinking that I might be able to get it from their website, and will check later.)

It was very satisfying to enjoy that meal, and this situation has left me with a new decision. Every week, I’m going to allow myself one meal where I can splurge, if I want to. I’m finding that I can eat so much and with so much variety that I’m not feeling deprived. I feel very solid today, not at all like I “went off” my food plan. I’m sure this is partly because I have banked so many points this week. But overall, one splurge meal a week seems like a system I can live with, and introduces a better sort of balance into all of this. Real life happens. Good food happens. Dessert happens, too. I like this decision.

It has been a good week. I feel that I’ve fallen into the process of this food plan very easily. I’m getting a rhythm with all of the measuring and calculating, and I don’t’ mind it. I also am very excited to have this blog started, and think this is going to be a very useful tool for me. I need someplace where I can be totally honest with myself and the world. I love what I’m doing, and I’m very proud of myself.

Surprises this week:
-- How easy this food plan has been
-- The huge amount of food for me to eat every day
-- My courage at taking and posting my towel pic
-- The level of commitment I feel towards this project
-- How much I’m enjoying the fruit!

I’m starting on a new grocery list. I’m starting to see which items will have a quick cycle, and which others will be less frequent purchases. I’m working on some new meal ideas that will help me to add variety to my week. I’m also going to work up the points for my favorite Mediterranean pizza and see if I can add it into my week.

It’s been a great first week. I’m proud of myself, and very happy with everything that is going on!

Feeling Very Brave

I just updated this site to include the picture of me in the towel. I feel very brave for doing this, and I'm quite proud of myself for having the nerve to do it. I hope that my honesty will help others who come here, thinking that they are the only ones who are struggling with body issues. I'm planning to update the picture frequently, at least once a month, maybe slightly more often. I want to wait long enough that the improvement is obvious, that would encourage me the most.

Trying New Things!

My first experimental cooking was a great success. Well, it didn't involve any actual COOKING, but it was a unique combination of things to eat. I have so many points each day that I decided I wanted some desert, something sweet to enjoy. Here is my recipe for Mango Ginger Delight.

Mango Ginger Delight

Ingredients:
-- 1/2 cup mango sorbet, softened
-- 2 gingersnap cookies
-- ground cinnamon

To make:
Soften the sorbet before starting. Scoop 1/2 cup into a wine glass. Add the two cookies at the top. Sprinkle with cinnamon.

It was delicious. Softening the sorbet brings out the flavor, and putting it in the wine glass makes it seem like a larger portion. And the cinnamon added such a burst of flavor. It was heaven in every spoonful!

One thing I'm sure of, the seasonings are going to make a huge difference on this food plan. Most of the frozen dinners I've tried have been decent, but nearly every one would have benefited from some additional seasonings. Like adding garlic, onion and oregano to frozen pizza. I'm going to have fun with this, I can tell.

Things That Are Helping Me:
-- I've got a food journal / calculations area set up next to the microwave on the counter. It helps to have one place where I keep everything. What I really need is a small office space in the kitchen. Maybe I'll work on that with the counter area remodel.
-- I started marking on containers the points for each serving. That way, the work is done when I want to use something. I'm going to start calculating every container that I add to the cupboard now. I need to get a new marker, a permanent marker, for writing on things. Maybe even some freeze tape to make sure I have a good writing surface on everything.
-- I bought some of those Glad storage containers, the ones that are like Tupperware. They are inexpensive, and they will hold up for a long time. It really helps to have a place to put the rest of the food when I scoop out my single servings. I may even buy some additional ones, since they are so inexpensive.

Week 1: Ground Zero
Mass Reality

Last night I felt the strangest thing. As I lay in my bed, watching TV as I tried to drift off to sleep, I suddenly crashed into my own body. For those moments, I could feel the mass of my body around me, something that is totally new for me. With the events of this week, I have been feeling myself inside of a very slim and athletic body, as if I was enjoying the future in my present moment. I was shocked to feel the size and inertia of my current body! I'm not sure how this fact fits into my historic body image, or my weight for that matter. I like the athletic feeling much more! That is the image I choose to hold for myself.

But even as I sit here writing this, I am more aware of the real extent of my body. I think the photograph session the other night really brought all of this to my awareness. Perhaps I've just been in denial all of this time. At any rate, I believe this is a positive turn of events, a part of me working out the total solution for my physical wellness.

I do feel an incredible sense of... maybe protection is the best word. I feel this strong presence around me, that my decision and my actions this week have already moved me to a place where my body is healing even though the facts would show that there is a road ahead of me. I feel very safe, very much like I've already removed any health consequences of my weight from my life. It's a strange thing when I think about it, but it seems totally solid and normal when I just feel it. I guess time will teach me more about this.

I'm still struggling to eat the full amount every day. I'm also aware of the passing impulses that used to drive me to the kitchen for a bite of something. Graciously, I've been released from their power, and I've seen that hunger was not a part of them. The process of measuring and calculating each bit of food has seemed quite normal to me this week, and I've found myself with infinite patience and even some curiosity towards it. I'm glad that I already have tools that make this easier. I've started saving partial cans of food in new containers, and I've been adding can labels to the refridgerator. I do need to find a way to record serving calcuations for ingredients as well as recipes I'm using and creating. Maybe index cards... I'll figure something out over the next week.

Week 1: Ground Zero
Tuesday
8 January 2002
Body of Evidence

Today, I had lunch in Chinese restaurant and tried to make smart choices about what to eat and how much of my overstuffed plate to eat -- just a few spoonfuls of soup, most of the rice, all of the boiled chicken, and most of the veggies. I skip the puff and the eggroll and the crispy noodles. I check in the dining out guide later, and find that skipping the eggroll was a good choice, since it is high in points and not something that I just love. Next time, I will eat the puff, though. I felt like a spy with a secret identify eating there with my good friend, never letting on what is up with me. She will know soon enough.

The challenge today has been to eat my full quota of food. I ate the minimum yesterday, but could not eat that much today. I’m going to start off with a breakfast tomorrow instead of waiting until lunch to eat. That will help, I’m sure. But I’ve eaten a banana and an apple today, both rare choices for me. Everything I’ve eaten has tasted very good. And I have actually felt HUNGER today, rather than just the inside empty feeling I’m so used to feeling.

I feel some rush to get my photos and measurements taken today. In fact, I suspect that there has been some change in my body since yesterday, although I know that slight change is not important to the overall picture. I decide tonight to take pictures, first in leggings and a bra, then sans clothes. I want to see the whole picture. I was surprised by some of what I see. When I sit on the floor, I am a solid triangle of human flesh. Not much longer! I have the fortitude to look for the unflattering angles tonight, not embarrassed by my current state, but feeling empowered to document accurately the starting point of the journey. A glimpse of any of these just a few weeks ago would have crushed me. Today, they make me stronger in my determination to succeed.

Tomorrow, I will take the first pictures of me wrapped up inside a bath towel. One of my goals is to be able to wrap a regular size bath towel around me instead of a bath sheet! I purchased a new towel for this occasion, a red Ralph Lauren, that I've got hanging in the bathroom where it will never be used -- except for photographs!

Week 1: Ground Zero
Monday
7 January 2002
A Day of Surprises

I learned some things today. Today, I started making different choices about the food I put into my mouth.

Several months ago, I decided that it was time to sculpt my body. I’ve been through several phases with this. First was the realization that my packaging doesn’t reflect the value of the product. In other words, my “diamond in the rough” exterior doesn’t serve my own purposes any longer. With this, I started to really appreciate myself and what I have to offer people – at least I took major steps in that direction. I balanced my “no muss – no fuss” appearance plan with a healthy burst of self-appreciation. Later, I started doing visualization of my body at a different size, and imagining the wonderful feeling of moving freely as an athletic, fit person. Inspired by that, I began an aggressive walking program, which I thoroughly enjoyed when I started, and when I occasionally walk today.

All of these things have been helpful, and I’m sure are serving me well. But I realized several months ago that I was really going to have to change what went into my mouth if I was going to change my body, as well as resuming a moderate exercise regime. This took some time to work out, because I felt such resistance to the idea of a food program. I really wanted to believe that I could think my way thin, especially since my mind tries to run the show of my life. I do believe that visualization and my mental outlook are going to be the heart of this program, but based on my experience the last few months, they weren’t enough.

Over time, I soften against food programs until one day in late December, I checked out the Weight Watchers website for a meeting in my area. I selected the first meeting available after I returned home from the holidays, which was last Friday. When Friday morning happened, I was feeling indecisive and delayed making a commitment to go. I didn’t fret about this over the weekend. But the force of my original intention to achieve a new level of health and wellbeing impacted my thinking over the weekend, and I found myself this morning with a decision made about going, my first surprise of the day. I checked the start time (noon) and the map and scheduled my morning accordingly.

The Meeting

I was among the first to arrive at the meeting, and while I waited to register, I looked at the various support tools for sale at the center. I signed up for five weeks paid in advance. I had thought that a six week stint would give me a jump start on the weight loss portion of my goal, and would be bearable. I’m thinking of this as a short term detox of sorts. There was no line to be weighed in. I stared at the number on the digital scale, the largest number ever, and about what I expected. This isn’t about numbers to me, it’s about a feeling of fitness and allowing my body to tell me what it wants. In fact, I’ve made up my mind that I won’t allow them to assign me a target weight, to impose that sort of structure into my very personal journey. Instead, my meeting leader gave me the universal first goal – to loose 10% of my current weight. My second surprise of the day was that this goal settled gently into my mind, and in fact, grew more comfortable as the meeting went on. I found myself calculating the number of weeks (months) it will take me to reach that goal, and feeling that it would be a great milestone.

Before the meeting started, I had a chance to read through most of the Weight Watcher’s food plan, the point system they use. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that it balances the intake of fats and carbohydrates rather than just counting calories. It’s not The Zone and I may tweak the system later, but it is a brilliant system and should work quite well. Surprise number three is my openness to the food plan’s structure and sense that it is going to be good for me. As I looked at the details, I realized that with my current weight, I have lots of food points! Over time, my points will decrease with my body, but for now, I have lots of points to use. Surprise number four is the happy realization that I won’t be going hungry.

One of my personal peeves about support group programs is that once I make a decision, I don’t need someone to talk me back into it every week. Maybe I’m more stubborn than other people, but because of this, I don’t enjoy the weekly pep talks that I’ve seen at such meetings, they feel like a waste of my time. This meeting leader fits the personality profile I would have expected, talkative, not especially discreet, lighthearted and overall, enjoyable to listen to. No surprise there. But her selection for the week’s topic was a surprise. She gave us time to write down our top ten reasons why we WANT to lose weight. In that moment, I realized that I have goals and intentions, but I don’t really have reasons why I want to do this. The effort I spend to explore my own reasons feels valuable, and it occurs to me that I could actually be helped by this support group structure for meetings. That was surprise number five.

What To Put In My Mouth

After the meeting, I purchased a dining out guide since I do eat out so much. I was hoping for a pleasant surprise here… that my usual choices were actually healthy choices, but that was not to be. I did look through the restaurant menus and analysis to see if there are more healthy choices I can be making. My first decision – what to have for lunch. I’m starved and out of groceries, so I select one of the fast food regulars and record the choice in my new journal. One decision I made was to drink water with my meals, and save my occasional Coke for a snack, at a time when I can really enjoy it. And with all of my points, I should be able to have several Cokes each week, no problem!

Back at home, I read through food suggestions and recipes to do some meal planning and decide what goes on my grocery list. This time provides me with the biggest surprise of the day. Until this moment, I had the illusion that I knew how to feed myself. But as I read through these pages, I realize that I really have never learned how to feed myself. This feels like a huge understanding, and I feel that this lack of information has been fueling (pun intended) my weight issues all of my life. I’m going to learn how to feed myself in this program, perhaps for the first time. Surprise number six is the understanding that the first weeks, perhaps months, of this year are really going to be about learning how to make food choices, laying a foundation for the personal program I will develop throughout the year.

My grocery trip is also enlightening. I fill the cart with fruits and veggies (five servings a day seems like a lot!) and make some tough choices. I’m going to use real products and just use less, instead of opting for the diet version of everything. I compare the nutrition information on regular vs. diet syrup, on diet lasagna vs. the good stuff, and on several other items. I’m willing to try a substitute, and will switch if the taste doesn’t matter. But I’m not going to deprive myself of good taste in order to have more food to eat.

The last surprise of my day, surprise number seven, is how great I feel. Mostly, it is a physical sensation, a feeling of solidness and wellbeing that is new. I’m sure it if from all of the healthy food I’ve put into my system today. I hope the newness of this feeling never wears off. I think it will only get better as I begin to add vitamin supplements into my nutrition plan.

My first day is a total success! My year is off to a great start!

The Desert Mermaid

Many years ago, I read that Michelangelo was asked how he approached his sculpture work. His answer was that the marble already contained the art, and his job was to uncover its beauty with his tools. That is how I feel about myself. My being is the marble, and my job is to discover the veins of what runs through me, and in that process, to appreciate and enjoy and uncover my own beauty. While I live in a desert, the image of a mermaid has always appealed to me, a goddess woman who is comfortable in many worlds, but always retreats to her inner world, and encourages others to join her there.

I’ve taken this image of a desert mermaid to guide my self exploration during 2002, a year that I intend to explore my physical being in new and exciting ways. I hope to learn more about the connection between my body and my mind and my soul, and soften my resistance so they achieve their best harmony naturally. I want my physical being to move to the list of my greatest assets during this year, and I intend to learn how to care for it and myself in the process.

I’m keeping this journal for myself, but making it available to others. I trust that you come away encouraged to discover your own beauty, and encouraged to see someone struggle within herself and yet not give up. Resilience, especially spiritual resilience, is the human quality I value the most at this point in my life, and I strive to do whatever I can to facilitate my own resilience. This journal is my testament, my bread crumb trail through the jungle, as I search to find my own heart in a deeper way.

There is only one person on this planet that I have told about this project in specific terms. Others interact with me, and don’t know that they are part of my secret, inner world. To the one who knows, and the others who interact with me without knowing, I thank you for your gifts to me. And to my friends and family who will begin to see the results of my journey in daily living, I know this change will upset the balance between us, and yet I trust that you will accept from me this gift and use the energy to discover and appreciate your own inner journeys. I love you all.