Week 8
Crazy, Crazy Week

My work schedule just gets more crazy every day, and this week is the toughest one yet. And even with these challenges, I'm so glad to report that I'm still on target with my health goals. I'm taking the time every evening to fix myself a nice dinner, and taking in the leftovers for lunch. Obligations have caused me to go out to lunch a couple of days, even though I had brought food, but I was able to make good choices. Working lunches are tough, though. They have also left me no time to find a meeting during the day, and my evenings are so short I haven't found one then, either. Since it is Thursday, and since my regular meeting is only a few days away, I've decided to skip this week's meeting and get back on schedule next week. The good news can wait until Monday. And I don't mind paying for this week without attending a meeting.

I was very tired last night, and quite a bit frustrated. I'm sure that was a factor in what I experienced last night. I have been able to allow myself a Coke several times a week. I can't drink diet pops because I'm allergic to Nutrasweet. My new Coke policy has been to only have a Coke when I can sip and enjoy the entire thing, which means, no Coke with meals. But last night, that is exactly what I wanted. So, for the first time in 8 weeks, I had a Coke with food. It was OK, but I'm not going to make a habit of it.

That Old Urge To Eat

I was tired enough last night, and food is so nuturning, that I could feel that old feeling of wanting to be comforted with food. It is a strong one. Maybe drinking the Coke with my meal was giving into it a bit. I had a strong desire for something else to eat after I was finished. I wasn't hungy, I just wanted something different to eat, something warm and comforting. I was able to realize what was going on, and didn't give into that. I fixed myself a glass of Canada Dry orange, a free points drink, and that satisfied me until that urge passed. I would like to find a way to replace that urge with something more beneficial, something more to the point. The point was that I was feeling under stress, frazzled, and I wanted some comfort. It had nothing to do with hunger. Maybe next time I'll try something to appeal to my other senses, like maybe a hot bath. If I can break the link between wanting nurturing and wanting to eat, I would have accomplished something great for my life.

I wonder if that is the same urge that drives people to reach for a cigarette, or for a drink?

Feeling A Bit Better

On my way into the office today, I listened to a new tape from my favorite motivational speaker, and I heard something that really helped me shake off my sad mood. It helped me to realize that I was trying to keep my life in some sort of a routine, and not allowing the natural variations and contrasts of living to flow into my life. It reminded me that contrasts, like getting what I want and getting what I don’t want, are good things. They help me to know the full range of what is available, and help me to clarify what I really want. After all, what I want changes over time.

Another interesting thing I’ve noticed this morning. About 9 AM, I was hungry! I tried drinking a lot of water, but that didn’t work. I had my usual Balance Bar breakfast, and I brought one with me to keep at my desk. I’ve been nibbling on that other bar for the last hour, and it’s almost gone. I’m not sure if the hunger is because I’m in a new and somewhat unwanted environment or if I’m always hungry this time of the morning. It’s an interesting thing to observe. I wasn’t planning to make two bars part of my morning routine!

Week 8
Wonderful Dinner

I made the Lemon Chicken recipe again last night, and this time, it turned out more wonderful than the first time. I changed the recipe a bit, I coated the thighs with lemon pepper before putting them into the marinade. Not only did the pepper add some heat, the lemon taste was really wonderful. I added some mashed potatoes and green beans, and they were a great balance. I'm taking the leftovers to the office today to have for my lunch. I'm looking forward to it. It will make the day in the office a bit better, bringing a bit of home with me.

Today is my birthday, and I should be very happy. I'm doing well in my goals for the year about health. I'm busy, and I just got news this morning that I've got even more work, lasting longer. Everything should be great, but I'm feeling sad. I'm working to get in touch with that feeling, and am working it through my journal. I know that I have to pay attention to this, or else an undercurrent of emotions can start driving my life, including my food choices. Hey, maybe this sadness is a great birthday present -- a challenge that is going to help me to really get to the heart of some of what has been "eating" at me for years. I really hate being sad, there is so much to be grateful about in the world, and in my own life. I always feel like being sad says that I am too ignorant to realize how blessed I truly am. But here I sit, feeling sad, and at least for now, unable to shake it off.

I'm heading out to a meeting tomorrow over lunch, so I'll know my progress on Wednesday. I'm expecting good news.

Oh, one thing I can tell you... I realized this weekend that I had made a mistake the first time I made the Sloppy Joe recipe. Somehow, I got confused about how much makes up one serving, and so I was eating twice as much! Two servings! And I didn't even realize it until I made it again. In truth, the serving size is much smaller that my first experience. Although, I did eat some of the leftovers on Sunday, and I gave myself a double serving of the meat on a single bun. Now, that was really SLOPPY, but yummy. And I had the points to use.

Doctors Consider Body Image "Illness"
In a very interesting article, doctors in Australia are being asked to consider granting "illness status" to people who don't have a heathy body image. More than covering the extreme illnesses of anorexia and bulemia, if the doctors take this step, it would mean that medical attention would be placed on correcting negative body images, especially in children. My opinion, if you want to change the way people look at their bodies, change the images of perfect beauty that are held up for the world to admire. I'm not knocking those beautiful women, I just would like to see more NORMAL looking women being presented as beautiful.

Week 8
What Is "Normal" Eating?

It's been a good day. I had a Balance bar for breakfast/brunch (by the time I got up!), and fruit for an early afternoon snack. Later, while I was busy, I didn't want to take the time to eat a whole meal, so I had another piece of fruit, followed later by one serving of chips (counted out into a bowl for safety), and later, during a break from the physical stuff, a Coke. Not bad for snacking. Now, I'm off to fix my dinner -- not sure what I will pick, but I've still got lots of points left.

It was luxurious to have some chips today. I didn't mind counting them out, or eating them very slowly. It probably took me 45 minutes to eat all 15 of them! Heck, I can remember when I could inhale that many in two handfuls.

Looking Down The Road

One thing that really amazes me about food and my future -- the really limited amount of things I can have. I don't mind that the points will go down... I think I will want less to eat anyway, and have more energy. But I realize that little things, like having an occasional beer, or having a snack of chips and Coke, are pretty extravagant. It just makes me realize that what I've considered "normal" eating isn't really going to be part of my future. I don't drink much beer, anyway, and rarely have the hard stuff. I know that on maintenance you get to add a few more points, but basically, it will be a lot less than I can eat today, and that will be the normal life for me.

It's hard to describe how I feel when I think about this. Shocked. It's like a slap in the face, a wake up call. I'm going to have to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. I won't go hungry, but I won't eat like other people, like "normal" people, either. It's not a bad thing. I can still schedule an occasional splurge without doing any real damage. But I'm going to have to get used to eating like this, actually less than I am today, forever. Always scooping out a half a cup of ice cream. Not getting to have a Coke every single day. Never drinking Coke with a meal again! It's a huge change.

Inconsistent Ideas

I am surprised to realize from this that I've been schizophrenic about this. I've been saying, on the one hand, that this isn't a "diet" or a program, but a life re-education I'm doing. And yet, when I really think that this is how I will eat forever, I realize that I've been thinking that the future will be different, wide open some how. That the restrictions and rules won't apply. How can I have two opposite points of view going on in my head at the same time and not know it until tonight? I'm just glad I've discovered it.

Well, I'm HUNGRY now. Off to have a quick dinner of Sloppy Joe -- one that is the size of a White Castle! And I'm grateful to have it.

Week 7
Keeping On Track

Even though I've been swamped with work, this week I really found a way to keep my goal, taking care of myself, on top of these other demands on my time. I think I was so successful because I have had problems in earlier weeks, and I've learned from them. Here are some of the things I've done that really have helped me.

-- I've change my morning routine for breakfast into something very simple to keep. I've switched from fixing a breakfast to having a Balance bar. I really like them, and they are only 4 points each. They fill me up, and with a couple of glasses of water, keep me going until lunch. They are inexpensive, easy to have on hand, and unlike other things I've tried eating, I don't get hungry again in the middle of the morning.

-- I keep fruit around for any time I'm a bit hungry but am not ready to eat. Sometimes, I work longer than I had planned because I have a deadline, so dinner or lunch is postponed an hour or so. By grabbing a piece of fruit, I can keep from getting too hungry. In fact, I've been known to eat a piece of fruit while I'm fixing dinner. It keeps me from nibbling on what I'm making, and keeps me from getting so hungry that I will just eat anything fast.

-- Sorting through my clothes helps me to feel like I have plenty to wear. My closet has been full of things that fit but don't look good (and things that don't fit), so I haven't been wearing them. A couple times a week, after my shower, I take a few minutes to try on clothes from my closet that I haven't worn for a while. They always fit better, even if some don't fit well enough to wear out in public, yet. I've been putting things that fit well at one end, and things that need a bit more time on the other end. And things that are just too big now -- I've been putting in a stack to take to donate to St. Vincent de Paul. I've got a load to go next week, in fact. Though this process, I discovered that my jeans fit now! I hadn't worn them for a year, and I refused to buy a larger size.

-- Grocery shopping has become a bigger project than it was before. Before I go shopping, I sit and go through my recipes to decide what I'm going to fix. I also go through one of my Weight Watcher's receipe books to find something new to try. If I pick a new recipe, I copy it onto a recipe card, this way everything I need is very handy in the kitchen. I go through the recipe cards and write down my shopping list, adding things I'm out off, also. I divide it into these categories: meat, produce, packaged items (anything in a box, jar or can), dairy, bread, and frozen. This way, it is very easy to go through the store and pick up what I need. The actually SHOPPING is easy, but getting ready takes some time. When the groceries come in, I take a few minutes to clean out the fridge, since I'm buying so much fresh produce these days.

-- I mark the number of points per serving on every item of packaged food. Somewhere close to the nutritional information, I use a permanent black marker to make a big number, something easy to spot. It really helps me to stay on top of things, and keeps me from guessing how many points something was when I'm in a hurry and don't want to figure it out again.

-- I keep my measuring cups, scoops and spoons in the drawer by the stove. This way, they are always ready and waiting to be used. I've also purchased two sets of scoops (from 1/4 to 1 cup) and spoons (from 1/8 tsp to 1 tbs) so there is always one set clean. I tried using a set of plastic spoons because they were cheaper than the metal ones, but they were much harder to clean, so I threw them out and bought another metal set. Also, I've started washing these items by hand as soon as I use them so they don't get lost in the mess of dirty dishes waiting to be done.

-- I purchased the Dining Out guide and I keep it in my glove box. Sometimes, when my errands run longer than I hope, and I'm out and hungry, it helps to have a way to see what fast food items are the least damaging while providing the most satisfaction. My typical choice these days is the chicken quesidilla at Taco Bell, a whopping 9 points. So I avoid eating fast food as much as possible!

As I look back on this list, I can see how I've changed my lifestyle to fit my new eating plan. It makes me feel very good to see how I've changed. The way I used to eat is what got me here, and now, I feel better seeing how much my life has changed. My new lifestyle is helping me to succeed in my goals, and is improving my health. I'm excited about the future. And I'm wondering what sort of reward I'll give myself when I reach the magic 20 pound mark!

Week 7
Great Progress

As of today, I've lost 17.6 pounds!!!!

I'm really excited to be so close to 20 pounds, and getting closer to my 10% goal.

The meeting leader told me today that I was doing great. He said that most people start to slip when they reach this many weeks, start getting a bit lazy, start cheating a bit, and it fouls them up. I'm determined to stay on track. I have started to eye-ball amounts more, but it is based on the times that I have measured, so I know I'm close. I keep the measuring tools right by where I cut and prepare, so they are easy to get at. I always measure servings from a pan. I'm determined to keep doing this, if this is part of what makes the difference.

I'm also doing better with my water. I'm going to start tomorrow with putting a pitcher in the fridge each night, and drinking it in the morning. That used to work well, and I'm sure it will again. The other change this week is that I've been having a Balance bar for breakfast. Mostly, it is because I'm out of fruit and had some bars available. I do like having the fruit around, so I'll stock up at the grocery next time. But I'm also going to have enough bars for breakfast. They are good, and most of them are only 4 points, a small breakfast that is quite satisfying. I think that will make my mornings run smoother, too.

Week 7
Signs Of Progress

Between having limited time for writing here, and Blogger being down a lot, I've missed a few days entries. It's been a good week so far. I'm moving my meeting from Monday to Wednesday because of schedule conflicts over the next three weeks. I'm planning to go back to my regular Monday meeting as soon ass I can.

So, that means that today is my weigh in. I'm expecting good news. For starters, I wore my old jeans yesterday, the ones I haven't been able to wear for over a year! In fact, I realized that Skooch has never seen me in them -- he panicked every time I moved. I had never realized before how noisy jeans are, compared to leggings, that is. And while I was deciding what to wear, I tried on a few other things in my closet, and they all fine very nicely, things that haven't fit for a while. I'm feeling really good about my progress right now!

New Recipe
Last night, I made another new recipe, and I basically liked it. I'm going to tweak the recipe more the next time to reduce the ingredients I'm not crazy about.

Zesty Cheese Ravioli
(Adapted from "Two's Company" from Weight Watchers magazine.)
Note: I like things hot, so I've added jalapeno and hot sauce, both are optional.

Ingredients:
1/2 c water
1 can (14.5 oz) diced tomatoe, undrained
5 stalk asparagus, cut into bite sized pieces
1 tsp jalapeno pepper (optional)
1 garlic clove, minced
1 package (9 oz) cheese ravioli
2 c finely chopped fresh spinach
1/8 tsp salt
1/8 tsp lemon pepper
3 drops hot sauce (optional)
3 tsp parmesean cheese

Directions:
-- Combine first five ingredients in a large saucepan, bring to a boil. Add ravioli, cover and cook 5 minutes, stir occasionally. Uncover and cook 5 minutes or until ravioli is done.
-- Stir in spinach, salt, pepper, and hot sauce. Cover and cook 2 minutes, stir occasionally.
-- Remove from heat, let stand 5 minutes covered.
-- Divide into two portions, cover each with 1 1/2 tsp parmesan cheese

Serves 2 (approx. 1 cup each) 6 points per serving.

Week 7
How Am I Doing Today?

That is the question on my mind today. I know that I'm not drinking enough water, not only am I not checking off enough boxes in my journal, but I have been waking up thirsty. I have been drinking non-stop today, and have been to the bathroom about once an hour. I hope I don't have to get up a lot through the night!

Otherwise, I've had a great week last week. I'm learning a lot, and on target. My new habits are starting to be less effort and are more automatic. I'm optimistic about the meeting tomorrow and my weigh-in. Tomorrow afternoon, I've got a big grocery trip planned, and I'm going to try some new foods. My face looks great in the mirror, too.

I'm sure that every few weeks I will have to make some slight adjustments. It's hard to be so routine about everything all of the time. As long as I'm basically on target, little adjustments seem like a normal part of the process.

In reviewing my entries here, this has been a tough week. I've messed up a couple of times, and I've struggled with issues more than any other single week. But without reviewing my blog, just by asking myself how I feel, it feels like it has been a good week. I think that is because I've caught myself, I've learned new things, and I've recovered with each misstep. I think my attitude is what makes this feel like a good week instead of a really tough one. I like the idea that it has been a good week best, so I'm sticking with that assessment.

Week 6
Turning Around Mistakes

I've been very busy lately, and the last few days are no expection. Even though it is Saturday, I'm at the computer working on things that didn't get finished last week, things that are due by Monday morning to people. I started working as soon as I got up this morning. No breakfast, just a glass of water. Mid-morning, I was hungry, and for a good reason. My old habits offered me a thought -- I could just "grab a Coke" and that would hold me until lunch.

WHOA!! That kind of snacking to postpone meals is dangerous. So is skipping breakfast. When I decided this morning that getting work done was more important than taking care of myself, I really made a mistake and set myself up for more mistakes. I actually went to the kitchen and opened the fridge to pull out a Coke when I caught myself. The fridge is full of good food, there are plenty of things I can fix quickly if time is really that crunched today.

Things To Be Proud Of

Here is what I'm proud of: When I realized I had other options, I took them. I spent a few minutes to have a late breakfast, and also decided what I would have for my lunch in a few hours. I made GOOD CHOICES that put me back on track immediately.

After my disappointment last Monday, I must admit that I've been thinking today, after catching my mistake, about my weight loss for the week. I can't control the outcome... I don't know what number will appear on the scale. But there are things I do have control over, and I can be proud of what I've done.

-- I am proud of the progress I've made so far
-- I am proud of the time and energy I've put into learning how to eat well
-- I am proud of the new habits and routines I'm making
-- I am proud of the emphasis I've put on preparing food and taking care of myself in that way
-- I am proud that I've put as much emphasis on selecting food as eating food
-- I am proud of the weight loss so far
-- I am proud of the thinning face I see in the mirror each day now
-- I am proud that I've kept my promise to myself to restore my own health

The other day, I was in a store and was carrying something that weighted 15 pounds. I was shocked at how heavy it was, and I realized I used to cart that much weight around with me everywhere! I can't imagine how much more energy I'm going to have when I've lost 40 pounds!

Some days are more challenging than others. I'm grateful that I heard that still small voice inside of me today and got myself back on track before I made even more mistakes.

Week 6
Maybe I Was Born This Way

I found an interesting article today in the International Herald Tribune about genetic research on fitness. If you are reading this page, it is probably because you, like me, are working on bringing more health to a weight-challenged body. We all know people who eat and eat and never struggle with weight issues. This article says that scientists think they have identified the gene that contributes to the fitness of people. I've always thought something like this could be true, that some people are really pre-disposed to fitness or the lack of it.

For me, this article says that I don't need to feel guilty any more about my struggle. Instead, I can use the energy I would have used on guilt to really reinforce my healthy commitment to myself. My route may be naturally more challenging the some other people. But hey, having a challenge is all relative, isn't it? I know people who are coping with one eye, who can't walk any longer, and are deaf, and they don't let the fact of their challenge stop them from living a full, happy and healthy life. And I won't use my lack of a "fitness gene" to make an excuse for my weight. Instead, it helps me to understand even more clearly that I'm making a lifestyle change to compensate for it.

Thirsty vs. Hungry

I ate out of my routine today. I took myself out to lunch at my very favorite Mexican restaurant up the street, quite unexpectedly. I'm glad the lunch portions are smaller, and I left quite a bit on the plate, avoiding the sour cream and guacamole. It was a wonderful change of pace, and it left me feeling quite full at dinner time. In fact, I wasn't hungry until nearly 8 pm. Even with the splurge, I ended up the day a few points short.

One really great thing I discovered recently... I've learned the difference between being thirsty and being hungry! I didn't use to know it. I think I must have been eating instead of drinking a lot, because I'm always drinking now, and I didn't drink that much recently. It is a great thing to realize. One thing today... while I was out, I drank the last of the water I was carrying in the truck. I didn't want to stop and BUY more expensive water, so I was on the lookout for public drinking fountains, a place where I can refill my bottle. Of course I could use any of the water and ice type of stores, but I didn't see any of them close. Target has drinking fountains near the bathrooms. I'm starting to take inventory now as I go into stores.

Week 6
Good Things

Yesteday, I had some warmed up Tuna Noodle Casserole from Monday night dinner. It's great having it ready in the fridge, since it only takes 30 seconds to warm up. Talk about fast food! This batch is the best yet... with a slight change in the seasonings and the addition of asparagus, it is really wonderful. But it takes so many pans, measuring cups and utensils... it's quite a clean up afterwards. I guess that balances out the many easy meals that follow, though.

I've got a very full schedule today, but I'm hoping to get out for a walk in the early afternoon. I haven't really started my exercise program. I hadn't planned to start today, but the weather is beautiful and I've been working so much that an excuse to leave the house sounds like a good idea.

I sorted some clothes in my bedroom last night, and discovered that I now fit into my jeans, after almost a year of not having any that fit. When I outgrew that size, I made up my mind that I wasn't going to buy any bigger size -- and so I haven't had jeans for almost a year! It's a nice feeling to have them fit well. Yah!!! I've also sorted out some things to donate to St. Vincent de Paul this week, more things that are going to be too big this summer. It feels so good to be cleaning out my clothes like this!

My Brother's Visit

My mom knows I'm doing Weight Watchers, but she agreed to keep it a secret. Because I live so far away, no one will know until they see me, or unless I tell them. I was talking to my mom over the weekend, and she told me that she had lunch with my brother on Saturday, and discoverd that he and his wife are on WW, too. She didn't tell them about me. I called him this weekend, and told him about me. I'm so glad they are doing this wonderful thing for themselves. I think everyone who is working on changing his or her life is great, and I wish everyone all of the best. It is so important to take care of ourselves... I'm so glad that many people understand that. I'm grateful that I've discovered this in my own life.

Week 6
A Bit Disappointed

Last week's weight loss was a pleasant surprise, and today's is just a bit disappointing. I have done the same good job this week a other weeks. As I think about it, I've lost 5 pounds in the last two weeks -- isn't that good enough? My brain says yes, but my heart is a bit heavy.

I know this is an important issue to work through because of what ran through my head after the meeting.

I have a meeting day routine. After the meeting, I get my favorite fast food lunch, the only fast food I eat during the week (since starting WW). I take myself window shopping on the way home. It ends up being a long lunch, and I really enjoy it. But today, as I was driving towards the lunch location, I had a different idea. I thought that maybe I should stop somewhere else, get an oversized burger and fries, because -- my results are not good anyway! If I'm not loosing weight, why don't I just eat anything I want?

It was like someone else was whispering inside my own head. Things are not quite going like I would want, and so my thought was to sabotage my efforts. Give in. Mess up everything I'm trying to do.

Insane Thinking

I was shocked a few minutes later. In that moment, the thought seemed sane, but within a few minutes, I realized how insane it was. All of these weeks, I've had it pretty easy, really. I made a firm decision to change my life, and I've been living out that new decision. And today, I got a flashback to the old way of thinking.

I'm so glad that I didn't give into this insane thinking. I'm so glad that I realized very quickly what was really going on with me. There are a couple of important things I see in this:

-- First, the insane thinking is still inside me, and ready to pop out at most any time. My disappointment today was real, but I wasn't very disappointed. I didn't gain weight. I didn't loose zero. I had a small loss, and still it was enough to upset me.

-- Second, I really need to find a better way to look at my lifestyle so I'm not hanging my expectations on what a scale says. Even though I've said this over and over, today proves to me that I have been measuring my success with scales, and I need to find a true measurement.

-- Third, screw ups haven't happened yet, but they are only a reach away. I need to do what I can to prevent myself from ambushing myself, and have a plan for getting back on track when/if it does happen. Mistakes are only temporary, and I can resume my new lifestyle at any moment I find myself away from it.

There was a valuable lesson for me today. I've got some things to chew on that I didn't know before today in the same way that I know them today.

Week 6
More New Foods

One thing I've been very grateful for over these last few weeks... not once have I panicked about what can I eat. I started from the first day looking for new foods and new recipes. I figured that most of what I had been eating wasn't that healthy, so I have been replacing them with new, healthy choices. I've really enjoyed the variety and trying new things. I think this has been one of the major factors in my success.

Hearty Meat Sauce
(Adapted from "Two's Company" from Weight Watcher magazine)

This wonderful recipe makes a meat sauce that can be used in many other recipes, including spaghetti, stews and even sloppy joes.

Ingredients:
1 3/4 pounds ground round
1 c chopped onion
3/4 c chopped celery
1 large garlic clove, minced
2 cans (14 1/2 oz) diced tomatoes
1 can (6 oz) tomatoe paste
1 can (14 1/2 ox) beef broth
2 tsp hot sauce
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/8 tsp salt
1 bay leaf
1/4 c chopped fresh parsley

Directions:
-- Cook meat, onion, celery and garlic in a large saucepan over medicum high heat until meat is browned, stirring to crumble. Drain.
-- Return meat to the pan. Stir in tomato, tomato paste, beef broth, hot sauce, pepper, thyme, salt and bay leaf. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer uncovered for 35 minutes, stir occasionally. Add parsley, cook 5 minutes. Remove bay leaf.
-- Separate into 1 1/2 cup portions. Keep in fridge up to 4 days, or in freezer up to 3 months.

Makes 4 portions / 8 servings. Each serving is 3/4 cup and has 5 points.

Sloppy Joes
(Adapted from "Two's Company" from Weight Watcher magazine)

Ingredients:
1 3/4 c Hearty Meat Sauce (see recipe above)
2 tbs finely chopped jalapeno pepper
2 tbs brown sugar
2 tbs cider vinegar
1 tsb Worchester sauce
2 (2 oz) whole wheat buns

Directions:
-- Combine meat, pepper, sugar, vinegar and Worchester in a saucepan, bring to a boil. Reduce heat, simmer uncovered 20 minutes oruntil most of the liquid evaporates. Stir occasionally.
-- Spoon mixture evenly on the bottom of each roll. Top and serve.

2 servings (one sandwich each) for 7 points each.

Week 5
Looking A Head Just A Bit

I've really tried to keep my focus on the present moment these five weeks, with very little thinking about what might be in my future. I've not set goals that would define the end of the journey... I'll discover the end when I reach it. My towel goal I expect to be somewhere in the middle, and that is a practical thing, anyway. I have thought a bit about how people may react differently to me, and have decided not to expect people to notice the changes that scream at me in the mirror (if I can use scream in a good way, that is).

But tonight, I'm wondering what the new me is going to look like and feel like, and how my life might be different.

Will I Really Be Different?

I remember that in the past, I used to get really indignant with people who thought just because I was (thinner/heavier) that it meant I had changed somehow. And yet I am the first to admit that making a positive change, or slipping into a negative slide, really is a change in me. How to balance these things? I understand today that this is not a paradox. No matter what my weight, I'm still basically the same person inside, but the same person with a different focus. It's like changing the lens on a camera... do I want the waterfall shot to look like a flowing stream, or to suspend all motion in one second? Do I want to focus on the branch that frames the distant mountains, or do I want to focus on the mountains and blur that branch? In my mind, that is how focus changes me. It's important, its significant, but it is still me. I suspect that many of the people I will encounter do judge people by their appearance, and so to them, thinner or heavier makes me a different person. But I don't have to buy into that.

If I decide to focus on writing a book, and I write the book and become a published author, that does change a small bit of who I am, but it doesn't change the me I know inside, or one minute of my history before the decision to write. The same way with my current lifestyle change. As I move along this journey, I make decisions every day, every hour, that shape who I am becoming. But again, its just a focus. If I decide to write a screenplay instead of a book, and it never is made into a movie, am I less of a person because of that choice? No, because in both cases, I made a decision and followed through. I may experience changes in income, in friends, etc. but it is still me.

Who Do I Want To Be?

So, as I'm thinking ahead, I'm wondering "who do I want to become?" My most immediate goal is this: I want to be a person whose assets include her great health and strong body. That is a fabulous goal, and one that is motivating me in this effort. In the balance sheet of my life, the one that includes things other than money and material possessions, I want a strong asset list, including: my life experience, my positive outlook on life, my faith, my sense of life purpose, my sense of humor (wacky as it is), my ability to focus, my kindness, my compassion, my common sense, my ability to sense what is going on around me, my loyalty, my sense of style, my ability to make things with my hands, my ability to see things that don't yet exist and make them happen, and others.

Tonight, even though I was tired and was taking the evening off, I found myself up and rearranging things in the living room. Actually, it was more that I was removing things that rearranging what was there. Editing. It hit me in that moment, I'm reducing my possessions at the same time I'm reducing myself! Interesting parallel. For a while now, I've wanted to live in a house where I could see where the walls meet the floor. I've always been overly full in my rooms, and had boxes lining the walls where the overflow went. I really want to stream line my entire life now. I want to only keep the things that I love, the things of great beauty and meaning, and part with the rest.

I've promised myself new living room furniture when I get really close to my final body size. Over the last years, my extra weight has been like almost two people sitting in the same spot, and the couch and loveseat are really worn from my use of them. As much as I love the fabric, I want to get smaller pieces, maybe just a loveseat and a chair, and remove the evidence of my weight impacting things. I want a fresh start. I figure that I can afford to do this at the end of the year, which is about the correct time. Maybe a year from now... I'm not in a rush. In another year, I will have had this furniture about 10 years, so it will be a big lifestyle change to get new furniture also. One I'm looking forward to sitting my skinny body on (whatever "skinny" will mean).

Will I laugh more? Will I be more willing to be around people? Will I be as shy as I am now? I suspect that I will have a greater sense of self pride because I made this promise to myself and I kept it. I might even like having my picture taken, instead of slinking away when a camera comes out. How do I want to be different? That is the real question. The more I explore this question now, the more I can start to become that person TODAY without having to wait until my body is different. I can have more self pride today just because I'm taking care of myself. I can be proud of how I look because I see the changes in my face TODAY.

This is a good question, and one that I want to explore more later.

Week 5
Tried A New Meeting

Yesterday, I made it to a meeting that had a different leader. I like the leader of my usual meeting, and I thought this guy was good, also. I met a hair dresser at the meeting, and I'm going to have her cut my hair the next time.

The big news is that I lost 3.8 pounds. I didn't expect it would be so much this time. It was a little more than a week, also. I am really encouraged by this loss, which brings me to 14.4 pounds total. I have only counted on about 2.5 per week, so this extra is a nice surprise. I need to work on drinking more water... I've been slipping the last week.

My brother is coming to visit me in 4 weeks, and I was wondering today if he or his wife will notice the weight loss. I saw them at Christmas. Even if I have lost 25 pounds by the time they arrive, I'm not counting on them noticing. That is still a relatively small percentage of my starting weight. I really don't expect the people around me to notice until about 40 pounds or so. That will be more significant. I have a sort of ongoing fantasy... that my neighbors won't notice until one day they see a skinny person in my carport. That would be fun, to have someont not notice until I'm almost at the end. In my fantasy, they don't recognize me! LOL

I'm really glad I got so many weeks of WW under my belt before I started getting this busy. There is enough work stuff to juggle now, without having such a new lifestyle change on top of it. I'm really comfortable with what is going on.

I've been getting so many emails from people visiting the site that I've decided to start a short newsletter. I'm hoping to get the first one out over the weekend. I've been thinking about a format for it, and I've decided to add in some website reviews. That way, I can keep this as my online journal without anything else to distract me from writing what I'm thinking. I'm excited about starting the newsletter.

I've got the stuff to make some new recipes this week. I'm trying to decide this afternoon which one I'm fixing for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to it.

Week 5
Very Busy And Still On Track

I've been too busy to write here the last few days, and too busy to even attend my normal Monday morning meeting. I'm going to find one on Wednesday to find out how great I did last week. I'm sure it is good news. I can see the changes in my face.

I decided tonight on my first reward. I found the most beautiful pendant on a silver chain at T.J. Maxx. It's a square lavender jade center stone, surrounded by small amethysts around the outside. It was unbelievably inexpensive. I also purchased a longer chain that is a bit thicker, and am wearing it now.

I visited a new grocery store tonight, after spending more than an hour reading through recipes to decide what new things to try this week. I've settled on making some spicy black beans for soup, honey dijon lamp chops, spicy sloppy joes, zesty cheese ravioli, and apricot glazed pork roast. I'll post recipes if I like them.

Speaking of recipes, I've decided to add asparagus to my new favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole. And, I may try adding corn, even though I know corn has a more points that other veggies. I'm looking to add some bulk to the serving, mostly.

Cream Of Chicken Soup Deluxe

1 10 3/4 oz can cream of chicken soup
1 1/2 cans of water
1 tbs. real bacon bits
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/4 tsp garlic granules (or powder)
1/8 tsp dried thyme (or 1/4 tsp fresh)
1/8 tsp dried chive (or 1/4 tsp fresh)
1/8 tsp dried parsley (or 1/4 tsp fresh)

Over medium heat, mix together soup and water. When blended, add bacon and seasonings. If adding any fresh herbs, wait until the soup has started to boil before adding them. When it reaching a rolling boil, leave on stove for 1 minute.

Serves 2 (approximately 3 points each serving)

Week 5
Enjoying The Process

One of the biggest surprises is that this process has been fairly painless. I've had lots of new foods, things I enjoy and are easy to make. I've always been able to find something healthy and within the appropriate points when I've been hungry. The snacking impulse has only hit a few times.

On the first day of my second month, I would have to say, the rest of my life has started with a real bang! In fact, I'm quite eager to find out tomorrow what the results are from this week. I'm expecting good news, maybe 3 pounds? I'll be happy with 2. Actually, I'll be happy with any results, because I know I've done my part, and the weight loss, my body's response, well, that's out of my control.