Week 36
Taking Some Time Off

Thanks to everyone who stopped by after my last post, who commented, and who sent me emails. I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I wish I could tell you that I've snapped out of it. I haven't. I weighed myself yesterday morning, and when the number was above the previous week, I didn't even consider it an official weigh-in. I'm taking some time off, a few days, a week, I don't know. I'm not sure what is going on with me, to tell the truth. I'm watching myself struggle with everything throughout the day. I think somehow, I'm trying too hard right now -- not with my eating, but with my whole life. Things are harder on me that I realized. I figure that I've been through a lot these last few months, and somehow it is catching up with me. I'm not taking the whole thing too seriously... but I'm also not going to continue fighting myself at every moment. I'm not sure WHAT to do, so I'm stepping back a bit. A few days off won't hurt anything in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully, I will rediscover my usual self in a day or so, and can resume my normal life.

I'm not sure if I will post here much until I find myself. I'll try not to stay away for long... I know some of you are sharing my life through these entries. I don't mean to push anyone away, I'm just trying to figure out how to get through this rough patch.

Who knows... maybe I'll wake up tomorrow in a good mood and be back to my old self.

Week 35
I'm Sad

I have struggled with my food this week. I've struggled with some grief this week. I miss my life back in Phoenix. I have things I want to change about my life in Phoenix, things that don't please me, things that don't help me. I have appreciated the help from my family these last almost two months, and I've enjoyed being with them. I'll miss them when I'm back in Phoenix, and I'll be a bit lonely for the company, I'm sure. I'm in a bit of limbo right now. I've got tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this. Not content to stay here as a guest in someone else's house, not really ready to resume independent living, and not wanting to go back to exactly the same life I had before I got sick. Wondering what the future holds for me, hoping that it is really wonderful, but unsure. Disappointed that someone I wasn't quite over has gotten married, even though I'm happy for him. Lonely for the fabulous conversations we used to share and that I've missed. Wishing I had someone interesting to talk with in my life. Sad that so many of my friends have moved away over the last few years. Feeling very isolated in my Phoenix life, wishing I was a bit different type of person, someone who chatted people up easier. I also feel like I've lost my sister over the last few years, and even though I've been here, she hasn't shown up much or called much. Her life goes on without me, and not just because I've been 2000 miles away. I'm sad tonight.

I'm rambling, I know. But I feel like I have to get this sadness out of my heart or it is going to stay put and cast a shadow on my life. I try to walk that line between honestly feeling what I feel, and at the same time, not giving in to feeling sorry for myself, and looking for the real blessing in the situation. Not just the silver lining, the REAL BLESSING.

Yep, I've been alone in the last two years a lot more that I would have liked. I've been let down by people at times when I needed some support and help. I've lost friends, real friends, to jobs in another state, new children, new relationships and to the slippery slope of daily schedule demands. It's been an alone time, and from it, I've really seen how important it is to have a solid personal foundation. It's been part of the ebb and flow of life, the rhythms of living. I can remember happier times, and sadder times, easier times and harder times. Healthier times, too.

I have such hopes for my life. I've not given up on them, in fact, I've got more hopes today than when I was a teen, or just out of school starting my career. Or even ten years ago when I moved across the country for a job. I want MORE from life, not less. I want to really learn in this challenging time how to set my own heart free. How to give myself permission to try really new things, the things I really want to try, the things that terrify me. I want to say YES to my life, to all of it -- the parts I understand and the parts that confuse me, the days where I feel loved and connected as well as the days where I feel a bit lost and alone. I want to really learn to appreciate these contrasts in my life, and to accept everything that arrives in my life as a wonderful gift.

I really want to find myself again. I feel like I'm in a tiny boat out at sea, and I can't see the shore. I'm not even paddling right now because I'm not sure what direction I want to go. Oh, Spirit, show me again how to close my eyes to see the road before me. Show me how to shut out the voices around me to hear the whispers of my own heart. Remind me of the immense pleasures from knowing that I'm paddling my best no matter what the weather or direction I'm facing, so I can trust myself again. Help me to find myself again. Help me to remember the way to the joy inside my own heart. Thank you for reminding me today of the importance of taking time out, and for a friend who truly loves me. Let me take a bit of that love deep into my memory. Remind me that I'm never really alone. Show me how to sort out these confusing feelings by standing quiet inside myself in spite of the storms that rage around me. Help me to find my way to my true home. That's what I really want.

Week 35
I've Been A Little Bad

I've managed to mostly switch off of the snacks sitting around my parents house, but I'm still not quite ON my program again. I'm counting points, and counting how far over I'm going each day. Which is a lot. But at least I'm eating mostly nutritious foods, and I'm still counting points. There have been some real struggles in my head, as I head to the snack dispense (i.e. KITCHEN) and stand with my hand about to grab something not good for my program, and the voice in my head says "Don't choose that -- there are better things available..." followed by "Don't" and again "Don't" until my hand starts to reach for something that isn't generally recognized as a snack food. So basically, I'm substituting good and marginal things for crap, still eating too much, but at least catching myself from eating horrible things. Sigh.

I've also been working too much this week. I didn't want to, but my client has a huge deadline today and they have been so flexible with me being off sick that I wanted to make sure they have what they need. Don't get me wrong, I haven't worked more than 40 hours this week, it's just that I only felt like working about 2/3 of the hours I actually worked. I've only got about an hour left to wrap things up, and I'm waiting for a set of revisions. The deadline will be met just fine. And I'm glad to do it, really.

It's less than 2 weeks until I return home, and I've been thinking about what I might find there. Dust and dirt everywhere, I'm sure. There will be lots of cleaning to do. The fridge will be full of rotten things, too, I'm sure. We got rid of the obvious things, but I'm sure there will be some additional food items that can't be eaten any more. Thankfully, the freezer will have some food for the first day or so, partly. I'm going to have to go to the grocery right away to have stuff I can eat. So between cleaning, resting from the trip, grocery shopping, and the usual daily household maintenance things, I should be busy for the first few days. And tired. My mom has asked if I'm going to extend my stay, and honestly, this afternoon I'm considering it. At the same time, I feel like I need to return home to finish my healing process, to be back in my usual environment, living my normal life, taking care of myself. Not sure what I'll decide to do.

I'm going to make something with chicken breasts for dinner tonight. Not sure what yet.

Week 35
Weigh In :-(

I gained 1.5 pounds this week, taking me right back where I was last week. I'm not discouraged, and in fact, I'm determined to do better.

I had a talk about this situation with my Mom today, and told her that it would help me if she didn't keep offering snacks to me. I don't mind if she buys them and if they are in the house, even in plain sight. I don't mind if they eat them in front of me. I've just asked her not to keep offering them to me. It's almost like she thinks it is rude to eat in front of me, so when I turn something down, like nachos or brownies... you get the idea... she asks me over and over and after a few times, I do give in. I know, my giving in just reinforces her behavior. So that is why I talked to her today. And tonight, she did better. She only asked me twice. :-) And I didn't give in.

I'm making a grocery list tonight and going shopping tomorrow afternoon. This way, I'll have more of my healthy snacks (fruit) sitting around so I can munch along with them if I can't resist. I mean, compared to potatoe chips or donuts, snacking on a huge pile of grapes will only do a little damage. I'm all for damage control, after all.

This afternoon, we went shopping and I bought a vest covered with Christmas themed embroidery. It's just a bit too small right now, and so I'm hoping that it will fit perfectly in late December. I'm going to leave it here for when I return. It was good to buy something like that. I have a Christmas sweater that USED to fit me, and I love wearing it thorugh the holidays. I can't wait to try it on when I get back. It's one of the few winter clothes items I didn't give away this summer.

I'm not going to make my goal to wear a size 18 jeans by the end of the year. I've lost so much time because of the surgery and recovery. I'm shifting that goal back a couple of months. And I'm preparing myself that I probably won't reach my end goal until the end of 2003. I had been hoping to be there by the summer. And I might be surprised by what happens once I get back home next month. But since I'm not in a rush, and because I believe that going slowly is the most healthy and means I'm more likely to keep the weight off -- adding some time to reach the goal isn't any problem. I've got a lot to do, a lot to learn, and lots more tweaking to my lifestyle between now and then. I'm really glad that I'm focused on a lifestyle change instead of a weight loss.

Week 35
Iota Count My Blessings

I've had an interesting week. I would estimate that I was 75% on track with my eating this week, and everything off track that I ate was from the Snack Heaven kitchen my Mom maintains. I really wanted to eat right. But what I learned about myself is that I don't resist temptation very well. Put me in a house with every conceivable snack food, and I'm going to sample some of them.

It's a good thing that I don't buy snack foods back home, otherwise, I would never have accomplished what I have so far this year. Maybe my success is really based on limited my access to temptation. I seem to really WANT to eat things that aren't good for me. I'll give myself some slack, and throw into the mix that I'm living under stressful circumstances, too. But I suspect that if my kitchen contained all of these goodies, I would be eating them at home, too.

All of this makes me wonder about myself, about the nature of the change I'm making. I'm changing my environment more than myself. I'm still a person who likes certain unhealthy foods. I've just changed my environment so that I a) don't have access to unhealthy options and b) do have access to healty things. I've changed some things about myself. I've learned to enjoy the process of cooking. I've changed my attitude about the importance of eating in my life. Actually, eating has become MORE important to me, important enough that I'm willing to invest time in groceries, recipes, and cooking -- where before I just gobbled something to fill me up so I could spend time doing "more important" things like working on projects. Now, cooking healthy meals has become a sort of priority project in my daily living.

But underneath all of the new, very good, and quite healthy habits I've developed, I'm still a person who likes snack foods. I just have the patience and perhaps wisdom to know that I can choose not to have them today. In fact, when I try to look at this new personal information in a detached way, I see that my prediliction for unhealthy foods is actually similar to being alcoholic. An alcoholic doesn't get cured, instead, they learn to choose not to drink one day at a time. I choose to eat healthy one day at a time. I don't mean that I'm somehow addicted to these unhealthy food choices, I mean that I can't make a decision and have it change what tastes good to me. I will always like these foods, and while I'm not driven to buy them for myself, I do realize that even my best habits of good choices can't remove the fact that these things taste good to me. I hope that over time, I will come to adore the healthy options so much, develop such a taste for them, that temporarily I don't seem to want these other things. That is exactly what I have been doing the last few months. And maybe that is really enough. Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself to think that I can just snap my fingers and practice new behaviors, and lose any interest in the unhealthy foods that I used to eat.

I don't know what the scales will say in the morning, and whatever happens, I'm OK with it. If I have gained this week, the week isn't a failure. I've observed myself with new eyes, and I've learned new things about myself. And I did stay 75% on track, a great accomplishment considering the challenges of living here. I'm going to focus on the good things, and just trust that in the big picture, a week of possible weight gain really doesn't matter one iota.

Week 34
My Bad

It's been a stressful few days, and I gave into it tonight and snacked out. Bad. Something like 15 points over. I'm not going to beat myself up over this, but I'm going to start tomorrow fresh, with my best dedication. I can do this. I can stay on my program and live with my parents at the same time. I know I can. I'm going to prove it to myself starting now.

I'm also going to TRY to write up the last chapter of my illness in the next couple of days.

Week 34
Trying Something New

I don't know what will come of it, but I'm trying the Think Yourself Thin project at iVillage. I'll be posting here how it is going. Let me know if you try it and we can compare notes.

I lost 1.5 pounds this week, down to 226.5 this morning.

More later!

Week 33
Boy, Do I Want A Snack

I can't sleep, so I'm up writing. Actually, what I want to be doing is eating... not because I'm hungry, and not because there is something I'm craving. I want a snack because there is a whole kitchen full of them just about 20 feet away from me. I want to snack because I'm tired, bored, and it's available. I'm writing here instead.

I've said that I call my Mom's kitchen Snack Heaven, and maybe you thought I was exaggerating. Let me tell what I know (from memory) is sitting on the counter right now. I'm afraid that if I go out to check, I'll find the temptation too great. There are: pumpkin cookies, Krispie Creme mini donuts, loaves of bread, hamburger buns, hotdog buns, pretzel sticks, malted milk balls, three different kinds of potatoe chips, about a half dozen of the new Doritos tubes of snacks, and other things that don't interest me. Any one of these, or several of these, sound really good to me. Well, maybe not the strictly bread items, but all of the rest. And, I know where she keeps actual candy in bags in a drawer under the oven, which includes Mentos, which are a personal weakness. See what I mean? This place is really Snack Heaven.

It's been pretty easy getting back into my program this week. My goal was just to get myself approximately back. I've gone over in points every day, but I've eaten healthy things with almost no snack items. I've had some chips with meals, I'll admit, but I measured out my alloted one ounce using my kitchen scale from home, about the only personal item I packed. It really helps to have fruit, fresh veggies, and interesting leftovers in the fridge. There is still a piece of the tuna casserole from several days ago. We've had sloppy joes for three dinners in a row! It wasn't my idea... they really loved them. I've got lamb chops in the freezer for tomorrow, but my Dad is really dragging his feet about them... he's never had them that he can recall, and he isn't much in the mood to keep trying new things.

Although he has been full of compliments for my cooking. Not the first two days, no, then he was making fun of me a bit. But after seeing everything turn out well, and after liking everything (he did say that he didn't want any more tunal casserole, though) he is full of compliments. Unfortunately, he is razzing my Mom at the same time, complaining a bit about her cooking. I jump in and defend her right away. She doesn't like to cook, but bless her heart, she has put a dinner on the table every night since they were married nearly 50 years ago. When I was growing up, we had warm food every night, and this from someone who really doesn't enjoy cooking. I give her a lot of credit for showing up day after day, year after year, decade after decade. I have no criticisms of her cooking.

That said, I will say that I learned my eating patterns here, and from what I've observed during this visit, I understand even more than I did before, that it has taken me all of these years to realize that there was a healthier way to eat, and put it in place in my own life. I have turned things around for my life this year. And being here, with the ingrained temptations and people encouraging me to fall into their existing habits of eating... and still getting on my program this week -- this is a major accomplishment and something I'm very proud of.

My Dad told me last night that he hates vegetables. No wonder I don't remember having many of them as a kid. I do remember eating a lot of spinach, which I loved, mostly because I wanted to be like Popeye. I walk through the produce section of the grocery, and I realize that I'm not a huge vegetable fan myself. There are lots of them that I'm just not excited to try or use. But I love green beans, corn, lettuce (all but iceberg!), carrots, peppers, brussel sprouts, some types of squash, pumpkin, mushrooms, and potatoes. I like a few more. I'm going to make an effort when I get back to Phoenix to expand my taste for veggies, try some recipes that use ones I don't normally eat. Let's see what happens.

Week 33
Eating Well

I'm officially back on my program starting this week, and althought it has not been my best week, I'm proud of my efforts. Like I suspected, once I had familiar foods around me, my appetite really shifted away from the snack foods to real foods. I've been over points every day this week, but at least it is because I've been eating nutritious foods instead of snack foods. And I've been close to my point range. There is room for improvement, and I know that with each day, I'm not only healing more, I'm getting refocused on my goal.

Tonight, we had sloppy joes, and I expect we will have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. I'm sure that my Mom appreciates having someone else do the cooking. She works a full day and still comes home to cook dinner every night, and this at 73 years old [wink]. It also helps me to feel like I'm contributing instead of just receiving. I told you, I'm not a very patient sick person. I went through a spell where she pretty much waited on me hand and foot because I was completely immobile and not feeling well. I'm glad to be able to get a better balance going.

At the start of the week, my weight was 228, which means I have lost 44.5 pounds. I'll update my progress chart when I return home. Until then, I'll be reporting my weight in my journal entries.

Week 33
Grocery Shopping

This afternoon, I made a huge grocery list and my Dad took me shopping. It's amazing how much more expensive fruit is here in the midwest... I guess I'm spoilt from being so close to California at home. Anyway, it was by far the most walking I've done at one time, and about 2/3 of the way through the store, I was limping and exhausted. But I made it, and I came home with a lot of yummy stuff.

For dinner tonight, I made the infamous tuna casserole. It was a hit, although my Dad doesn't care for things like that -- too bland he says. We have enough left overs for a few days of lunch. Mom and I will eat it. And I also bought stuff to make sloppy joes, lemon garlic chicken, and lamb chops. They will be great.

It is a bit challenging to cook in someone else's kitchen. First, it was just hard to find the tools I needed, pots and pans, measuring cups, measuring spoons -- the stuff of precision cooking. Then, there is the challenge of a lack of seasonings. My Mom doesn't add any seasonings to what she cooks, based on the evidence in her kitchen. I only bought two spices, they are so expensive that I didn't want to run up the grocery bill too much for things that I knew wouldn't be used after I left.

Anyway, today I'm back on track. It feels good. I'm proud of myself.

I'm considering this to be week 33 of my project. I'm going to skip over the weeks/months that I was sick, rather than consider them part of the plan. I won't be able to update my progress chart until I return to Phoenix, but I will post here my weekly weight. (If I remember to weigh-in tomorrow morning, that is!)

Getting Back on Track

For several days now, I've been planning to resume my Weight Watchers program, only to have a few challenging days in a row. I wouldn't call them BAD days... not compared to what I've been through. Just challenging. So, unless something unexpected happens, I'm planning to resume starting Monday. A fresh start on the first day of the week. Seems like a good plan.

But I must admit, I've been taking advantage of semi-guilt-free snacking the last few days. It's been interesting to observe how part of me really wants to dig into the snack food, and enjoys eating it. But I've had enough of it now, that the sane part of me, the part is really proud of what I've accomplished -- heck, the part of me that wanted to create the healthy lifestyle in the first place -- is starting to regain importance. I don't care if I never eat another [fill in snack food name here] the rest of my life. And I can say that with all of the conviction of my heart. It might be fun to indulge like this for a short time, but really, I want to be back on track, back eating healthy foods. I want to reach my goal!

One interesting challenge that has been there for me most of the time is the fear that I can't really get thin, or that if I reach a goal that is thin, I won't be able to maintain it. I will be grateful to be chubby instead of obese, let's be clear about that. But recently, I've been seeing a lot of weight loss commercials on TV where the women started out at about my goal weight, and then lost a bunch of weight to actually get thin. It puts my mental gymnastics into some perspective. For right now, I'm still not setting a goal. But I'm going to continue to push myself about this "don't get too thin" mentality. For heaven's sake, I'm not considering becoming anorexic -- just being a healthy size, maybe something like a size 10. For someone who can't ever remember being that small, not even in high school more than 25 years ago, that sounds really small. And after years of rationalizing to myself that being that weight isn't healthy, after all, no wonder I'm challenged to consider that as a goal, something I could maintain. I don't have to set any goal. I can lose a bunch now, and then decide to lose more later if I want. There are no rules, I'm making this up as I go. The only things I must do:

• I must establish a healthy eating/exercise lifestyle
  
• I must listen to my body and respond to it
  
• I must establish a lifestyle that I can live with

Everything else is gravy. I mean, I would be really smart to take the advice of health care and nutritional experts, and to learn as much as I can about nutrition and general health. But that is just common sense, and so far, I trust myself to use my best common sense. I've been doing it so far.

I'm going to weigh myself when I wake up, and no matter what I weigh, it will be fine with me. It's the post-surgery starting point. I would LIKE to lose about 8 pounds before I head back to Phoenix, but since I don't know when I'll be going back, exactly, that goal isn't very important.

Let's just keep focused on the process and let the results take care of themselves.

P.S. I know that I owe you the rest of my illness story. It seems that the further away it gets in time, the less I want to spend any time thinking about it. I promise to wrap up the story very soon.

Age Is A State of Mind

One really funny thing happened while I was sick. My Mom and I found lots of things to have belly laughs about, after all, laughter is the best medicine (at least that is what I learned from Reader's Digest as a kid). Before my mom arrived, I told my friend a bit about my mom, how fiesty she is, and I mentioned that she is 73 years old. So, after she had been here for a few days, I asked my friend, in front of my Mom, if she was like I described. My friend said "yes" and I explained to Mom what I had said about her, including the part about her being 73.

As it turns out, I was out of my mind. She is no where near 73 years old. She was 67 at the time, and she didn't like me getting her age wrong, and in the least flattering direction. It was a totally honest mistake on my part, which I immediately blamed on my illness. Mom told everyone in the family about it, and it became a huge family joke.

Well, Monday was Mom's birthday, the one where she actually turned 68, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE in the family cashed in on the 73rd birthday. My sis sent her flowers and the card just said "Happy 73rd Birthday." The cake said 73. It was the topic of conversation the whole night.

My Mom says "paybacks are hell..." so I'm not sure what is planned for me.

I had already given her the presents I had for her when we got home from the hospital, so I wasn't expected to have another present for her this week. But I did order two things for her, both jokes, and I'm still waiting for both to arrive.

First, there is this commercial for PCDI, one of these correspondence schools, that offers motorcycle repair. Seems that years ago, a guy rented a house that Mom managed and he worked on his greasy motorcycle in the living room and ruined the carpeting. So, every time that commerical comes on, Mom announces that she is going to take the motorcycle repair training course, and that she is going to work on it in the living room, sitting on the couch. It's a huge family joke that I just found out about. Well, I went out to their website, and ordered the course information for her. I expect it to arrive any day now, and I can't wait to hear her reaction when she brings in the mail.

Second, Mom loves the Jerry Springer show. She didn't seem to care for him when he was the mayor of Cincy, which is only about 45 miles from here. And she believes that all of the people on the show are actors. She doesn't believe any of it is true. At least this is what she says. So, being the trickster I am, I went out to Jerry's site and discovered that I could order an autographed photo of Jerry, so I did. I've told Dad what I did on this one, and he said that she can only hang the picture in the bathroom (so it will make it easier for him to reach the toilet before barfing). I know, I come from a very sick and twisted family, but certainly you already knew that from my wacko sense of humor, right?