Week 47
Grateful For Small Changes
Well, I've lost another half pound, and I'm a half pound from losing 50 pounds. I am grateful for another week of loss.
With all of the physical things going on with me, and still working through some of the issues that came up around my illness last year, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about my body and body image.
(Wow, that was a long kitty break!)
I have been on quite a journey related to my body image since I started all of this in January 2002. I've been losing weight slowly, a bit more slowly than I really would like. But at the same time, I wonder if this pace maybe has been perfect. It has given me time to adjust emotionally to these changes and adjust my body image slowly, without any stresses. And like I said, the mental/emotional changes have been huge.
When I first started out, I thought I would like to lose about 100 pounds. That would put me about 175. Anyone with eyes knows that at 175, I would still be heavy. I think that was a safe goal for me because it didn't challenge my body image in a dramatic way, but it did improve my health greatly! It was a good goal relative to my starting point.
However, as I've seen the weekly Weight Watchers newsletters, and all of the diet plan commercials on TV, many of them START about 175 and lose 50 pounds to look great. When I realized that my ENDING point was their STARTING point, I had some work to do. I had to open myself up to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could actually be THIN when this process is over. I've never been thin as an adult, or really, as a teen. It's a whole new world to me, and a totally new way to think of myself.
To help me with my legs, I'm seeing a physical therapist, a wonderful woman who is tall and slender. A few weeks back, she told me that about 10 years ago, she had lost 50 pounds. I was shocked! I've known her for almost that long, and I've always seen her as very slender! She's kept her weight off for 10 years. I realized then that I've also been influenced by the yo-yo effect I've seen so many people go through. I don't know of many people who have lost weight and kept it off. Most people lose and then slowly put a good deal of it back on. Those were the ones that I had considered successful.
So in all of this, I've had to come to grips with the idea that I can mold my body into what I want it to be, to really take responsibility for my body shape. Yes, there are some physical factors that have worked in favor of my weight gain, and yes, those factors remain in my life. But I can decide to overcome them all, or decide to let them be in charge. One important idea I had from the start is that I'll let my body tell me when it is done losing weight. I really don't know how my body will adapt and adjust to the weight loss, I can't imagine myself at a smaller weight or know what, for example, 150 pounds will look like. But I can be determined to take this journey all of the way to the end. And now, after these realizations and adjustments, the end is me with a thin body. That's a goal I've been afraid to dream about, something that never seemed possible to me before.
Monday, March 17, 2003
Week 47
Forgot to Weigh In
Sorry that I don't have any news to report. I'm going to try to remember tomorrow!
Apart from that, I do have a lot going on. I'm still househunting. In fact, I'm going to put in an offer on a house on Tuesday morning. It will be my third attempt... hopefully this one is a charm! If not, I'll be out looking at new homes again next week. Sigh. At least I enjoy the looking part. I like them best when they are vacant.
Forgot to Weigh In
Sorry that I don't have any news to report. I'm going to try to remember tomorrow!
Apart from that, I do have a lot going on. I'm still househunting. In fact, I'm going to put in an offer on a house on Tuesday morning. It will be my third attempt... hopefully this one is a charm! If not, I'll be out looking at new homes again next week. Sigh. At least I enjoy the looking part. I like them best when they are vacant.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Help!
Blogger broke my last entry and won't let me back into it! So, I'm trying again! (Does anyone know how to delete a post that you can't edit???)
Of course, they have changed the sign since the last time I attended a meeting there, almost a year ago! So it's not exactly how it was when I was there, but it's close enough for the scrapbook. I never saw the view with the desert landscaping, either. I always came in from the north and just saw the sign on the lawn. That's the parking lot side of the building. I only discovered the landscaping on the other side when the traffic forced me to go around the block to turn the way I wanted to go. Thankfully, the view was better from that side and I was able to snap another picture.
I've promised myself that I'm going to spend some time over the weekend scanning in some of the before pictures I've collected. They are sitting here, next to me on the desk, just waiting to be used. I've even thought about emailing my family to see if they will email me digital copies of any pics they might have, but I know better. They will say that the pictures are in the mail, and I'll never get them. They mean well, but like everyone else, their priorities don't line up with mine! :-) After all, what could possibly be more important that my THEN AND WOW scrapbook? So what if the girls have a softball game? (Just kidding!!!)
Blogger broke my last entry and won't let me back into it! So, I'm trying again! (Does anyone know how to delete a post that you can't edit???)
Of course, they have changed the sign since the last time I attended a meeting there, almost a year ago! So it's not exactly how it was when I was there, but it's close enough for the scrapbook. I never saw the view with the desert landscaping, either. I always came in from the north and just saw the sign on the lawn. That's the parking lot side of the building. I only discovered the landscaping on the other side when the traffic forced me to go around the block to turn the way I wanted to go. Thankfully, the view was better from that side and I was able to snap another picture.
I've promised myself that I'm going to spend some time over the weekend scanning in some of the before pictures I've collected. They are sitting here, next to me on the desk, just waiting to be used. I've even thought about emailing my family to see if they will email me digital copies of any pics they might have, but I know better. They will say that the pictures are in the mail, and I'll never get them. They mean well, but like everyone else, their priorities don't line up with mine! :-) After all, what could possibly be more important that my THEN AND WOW scrapbook? So what if the girls have a softball game? (Just kidding!!!)
Monday, March 10, 2003
Week 46
Stop The Presses!!
I know, I weighed in yesterday. But this morning, I was downstairs, the scales were out, and I thought... "well, it is Monday..." so I stepped on. I've lost a pound since yesterday! So, I've reworked my weight chart to show the new loss.
I really needed that boost, too. Last night, I went through a slump where I really got lost in that incomplete fulfillment thing. I cried hot tears. I think, I hope, I got it all out of my system. It's always amazing to me how even though some part of me knows something, other parts of me don't seem to understand. I know that life is mostly lived in this incomplete fulfillment state. We spend a whole lot more time working towards goals than we do accomplishing goals. Goals are accomplished in a moment. And once they are accomplished, we almost immediately set out with a new goal in mind. It seems to me that is a key characteristic of being human -- having a vision of what/where we want next. So given the statistics of time, that much fewer moments are spent at the accomplishment than we spend in the working towards -- it seems totally logical that the state of incomplete fullfilment is the most normal and natural thing. So how come I felt so bad last night? It's a mystery to me.
The good news -- I've lost 49 pounds. I'm somewhere near half way through my weight loss, but not quite. I think I've got about 70 more pounds to lose. But what a huge chunk of weight I've lost! Yipppppeeeeee!!!!! I'm not planning any sort of special reward for 50 pounds. I do have one planned for 100, and I promised myself not to spend a lot of money this year on rewards. Last year, they were very helpful! This year, I've got a new plan. I'm sure that I've written about it before. I bought an album and some paper to do a weight loss scrapbook. I'm calling the book "Then and WOW!" - a sort of before (Then) and after (WOW). Perhaps I should call it "Results not typical." I've been back through all of the pictures of me heavy that I can find. I'm going to make a collage on one page of all of these before pictures. I'm going to do a Weight Watchers page with my ribbons and weight check in card. I'm going to include some of my favorite recipes and foods. I've started planning all of this, but haven't really started the album. Maybe I should start with a special page for reaching 50 pounds. I can take some pics of me and write about how I feel about this goal. That would be a good project, something that won't cost me anything but will really give me a boost.
If you are on a weight loss journey, I really encourage you to keep some sort of map of where you have been. Keep a blog (free at www.blogger.com), keep a special journal, do a scrapbook -- whatever fits your interests. When the going gets tough, and we all have those moments, having a record to look back on really reminds me that I am making progress and encourages me to pick myself up and keep going. It's funny, too, but the fat pictures that used to make me feel guilty and ashamed now make me feel proud -- proud that I've made a lifestyle change so I don't look like that any more. There is no sting any more when I look at those pictures. That is a good thing!
Stop The Presses!!
I know, I weighed in yesterday. But this morning, I was downstairs, the scales were out, and I thought... "well, it is Monday..." so I stepped on. I've lost a pound since yesterday! So, I've reworked my weight chart to show the new loss.
I really needed that boost, too. Last night, I went through a slump where I really got lost in that incomplete fulfillment thing. I cried hot tears. I think, I hope, I got it all out of my system. It's always amazing to me how even though some part of me knows something, other parts of me don't seem to understand. I know that life is mostly lived in this incomplete fulfillment state. We spend a whole lot more time working towards goals than we do accomplishing goals. Goals are accomplished in a moment. And once they are accomplished, we almost immediately set out with a new goal in mind. It seems to me that is a key characteristic of being human -- having a vision of what/where we want next. So given the statistics of time, that much fewer moments are spent at the accomplishment than we spend in the working towards -- it seems totally logical that the state of incomplete fullfilment is the most normal and natural thing. So how come I felt so bad last night? It's a mystery to me.
The good news -- I've lost 49 pounds. I'm somewhere near half way through my weight loss, but not quite. I think I've got about 70 more pounds to lose. But what a huge chunk of weight I've lost! Yipppppeeeeee!!!!! I'm not planning any sort of special reward for 50 pounds. I do have one planned for 100, and I promised myself not to spend a lot of money this year on rewards. Last year, they were very helpful! This year, I've got a new plan. I'm sure that I've written about it before. I bought an album and some paper to do a weight loss scrapbook. I'm calling the book "Then and WOW!" - a sort of before (Then) and after (WOW). Perhaps I should call it "Results not typical." I've been back through all of the pictures of me heavy that I can find. I'm going to make a collage on one page of all of these before pictures. I'm going to do a Weight Watchers page with my ribbons and weight check in card. I'm going to include some of my favorite recipes and foods. I've started planning all of this, but haven't really started the album. Maybe I should start with a special page for reaching 50 pounds. I can take some pics of me and write about how I feel about this goal. That would be a good project, something that won't cost me anything but will really give me a boost.
If you are on a weight loss journey, I really encourage you to keep some sort of map of where you have been. Keep a blog (free at www.blogger.com), keep a special journal, do a scrapbook -- whatever fits your interests. When the going gets tough, and we all have those moments, having a record to look back on really reminds me that I am making progress and encourages me to pick myself up and keep going. It's funny, too, but the fat pictures that used to make me feel guilty and ashamed now make me feel proud -- proud that I've made a lifestyle change so I don't look like that any more. There is no sting any more when I look at those pictures. That is a good thing!
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Week 46
Another Loss!
I knew that things would get back on track! I weighed myself a day early this week, hoping for good news. And since I got good news, I decided to keep this weigh-in amount for the week. It's only a pound, but hey, it's a whole pound in the right direction.
I broke a tooth yesterday. My dentist died a couple of years ago, and I never found a new one. So now, with a near emergency, I've got to find a new one. That's what I'm doing Monday morning. There is a dentist office near my home that I'm going to try. Cross your fingers for me that they are taking new patients on my plan.
Otherwise, I'm doing remarkably well. My legs are improved to the point that I can actually walk around and pick up things! I got most of the downstairs picked up last night, that is MONTHS of accumulation. I'm going to work on the upstairs this week. I am actually going up and down the stairs putting one foot on each step. I'm slow, especially on the down part, and hanging on for dear life, but it's a huge improvement. And I don't hurt after I reach the other end! I'm loving this.
I just spent some time looking online for a new place to live. So far, what's in my price range is not quite what I want. But I'm not giving up. I'll keep looking. I had hoped to be in my new home before the summer heat hit, but it won't be that bad to move during the heat if necessary. That's why God invented ice cubes, air conditioning, and cold showers, right?
My weight loss rate has been very slow lately. Slow is OK, but very slow... well, I wish it were a bit faster.
The theme of my life today is this: incomplete fulfillment. I've got a lot of things going on, all of them are good, all of them have the potential to be really wonderful, but none of them are wonderful YET. I'm not at my goal weight. I haven't found a place to live. My book is thrashing around and doesn't feel like I'm making progress. My legs and knees are better, but not back to normal. For a long time, I've been content, even happy, just to have so many things moving in the right direction. Somehow, over the last few weeks, I've started to feel frustrated by the same thing. I'm going to work on adjusting my attitude and expectations, because after all, life is a journey and not a destination. I'd better find a way to remember how to enjoy the process of living because that is what 99.9% of my time is spent doing -- working towards goals. There is such a short amount of time when I reach a goal, and even though those moments are wonderful, they are just the Kodak moments of living. The rest of the time is where I want to be content, to be happy. Not just a few moments, every step along the way.
Show me how to open my heart to appreciate the wonder of each moment. Help me to see the miracles that are happening every day around me, and to be grateful to have so many wonderful things developing in my life at the same time. I want to wake up each morning thrilled to be living at this phase of my life. Show me how to be that person.
Another Loss!
I knew that things would get back on track! I weighed myself a day early this week, hoping for good news. And since I got good news, I decided to keep this weigh-in amount for the week. It's only a pound, but hey, it's a whole pound in the right direction.
I broke a tooth yesterday. My dentist died a couple of years ago, and I never found a new one. So now, with a near emergency, I've got to find a new one. That's what I'm doing Monday morning. There is a dentist office near my home that I'm going to try. Cross your fingers for me that they are taking new patients on my plan.
Otherwise, I'm doing remarkably well. My legs are improved to the point that I can actually walk around and pick up things! I got most of the downstairs picked up last night, that is MONTHS of accumulation. I'm going to work on the upstairs this week. I am actually going up and down the stairs putting one foot on each step. I'm slow, especially on the down part, and hanging on for dear life, but it's a huge improvement. And I don't hurt after I reach the other end! I'm loving this.
I just spent some time looking online for a new place to live. So far, what's in my price range is not quite what I want. But I'm not giving up. I'll keep looking. I had hoped to be in my new home before the summer heat hit, but it won't be that bad to move during the heat if necessary. That's why God invented ice cubes, air conditioning, and cold showers, right?
My weight loss rate has been very slow lately. Slow is OK, but very slow... well, I wish it were a bit faster.
The theme of my life today is this: incomplete fulfillment. I've got a lot of things going on, all of them are good, all of them have the potential to be really wonderful, but none of them are wonderful YET. I'm not at my goal weight. I haven't found a place to live. My book is thrashing around and doesn't feel like I'm making progress. My legs and knees are better, but not back to normal. For a long time, I've been content, even happy, just to have so many things moving in the right direction. Somehow, over the last few weeks, I've started to feel frustrated by the same thing. I'm going to work on adjusting my attitude and expectations, because after all, life is a journey and not a destination. I'd better find a way to remember how to enjoy the process of living because that is what 99.9% of my time is spent doing -- working towards goals. There is such a short amount of time when I reach a goal, and even though those moments are wonderful, they are just the Kodak moments of living. The rest of the time is where I want to be content, to be happy. Not just a few moments, every step along the way.
Show me how to open my heart to appreciate the wonder of each moment. Help me to see the miracles that are happening every day around me, and to be grateful to have so many wonderful things developing in my life at the same time. I want to wake up each morning thrilled to be living at this phase of my life. Show me how to be that person.
Friday, March 07, 2003
Week 45
Lost Time & Gained Weight
Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I've been distracted and busy. So what else is new?
My scales miraculously started working again the next time I tried them. Unfortunately, they are now weighing heavy, either that or I've gained 1.5 pounds. I suspect that the scales are accurate. :-) I did weigh in on Monday, and today, when I went to update my weight chart, the chart said this is week 45. My blog says it should be week 44. Somehow, I've lost a week along the way. No matter. I'll use the chart as the week number.
During the time I was away from here, I celebrated my birthday, which meant a wide variety of outstanding foods that I usually don't eat. Even though I did my best portion control, I was over points day after day. So I take full responsibility for the gain. It will be off in a week or so, and I had some delicious things. Things I can live without for another year!
I also put in an offer on a house in Gilbert, Arizona. It was a low offer, and while we were negotiating, they got a full price offer, so I'm still without a home. (I'm not living on the streets of Phoenix, I'm still renting a condo!) It's going to be my first house purchase, so I'm excited about the whole thing. What I like, unfortunately, is only available in a different price range than the one I can afford. So the whole process has the feeling of a compromise. I wasn't in love with the house I tried to purchase... it met all of my requirements, wasn't butt ugly, and would have been fine. I'm not disappointed that I'm not going to live there -- I'm disappointed that my house hunting isn't over! It's not that I mind the looking, but after my surgery last year, I developed this intense desire to settle in. I've rented all of my life, and I've moved every 2 years whether I needed to or not. I've loved having that kind of freedom. And now I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to own appliances, caulk the bathtub, and trim the shrubs.
I have to admit, my efforts on my food have been half hearted since my surgery. It's not that I'm not trying... it's that everyday living is quite a challenge. It kills my legs to stand still, so cooking meals is tough. I've been eating things that can be done with little prep work. I've had more TV dinners than I care to think about, only because they are quick. I miss cooking, but don't see it coming back in the next month, or perhaps longer. My progress has been very slow the last 15 pounds. But I'm still making progress. I'm in a sort of a slump, but I'm still coming to the plate swinging every time. If a couple of things improve in my life, I'll be back to reporting home runs most weeks, and hopefully in the near future.
In the meantime, I'm thinking of this as just another aspect of my project, just a phase that I will go through from time to time. I'm still committed to my healthy lifestyle change. I'm making lots of changes in other areas, other than food, that are really helping me and feel great. It's all a matter of balance, and I'm working to find a better balance for my life.
Lost Time & Gained Weight
Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I've been distracted and busy. So what else is new?
My scales miraculously started working again the next time I tried them. Unfortunately, they are now weighing heavy, either that or I've gained 1.5 pounds. I suspect that the scales are accurate. :-) I did weigh in on Monday, and today, when I went to update my weight chart, the chart said this is week 45. My blog says it should be week 44. Somehow, I've lost a week along the way. No matter. I'll use the chart as the week number.
During the time I was away from here, I celebrated my birthday, which meant a wide variety of outstanding foods that I usually don't eat. Even though I did my best portion control, I was over points day after day. So I take full responsibility for the gain. It will be off in a week or so, and I had some delicious things. Things I can live without for another year!
I also put in an offer on a house in Gilbert, Arizona. It was a low offer, and while we were negotiating, they got a full price offer, so I'm still without a home. (I'm not living on the streets of Phoenix, I'm still renting a condo!) It's going to be my first house purchase, so I'm excited about the whole thing. What I like, unfortunately, is only available in a different price range than the one I can afford. So the whole process has the feeling of a compromise. I wasn't in love with the house I tried to purchase... it met all of my requirements, wasn't butt ugly, and would have been fine. I'm not disappointed that I'm not going to live there -- I'm disappointed that my house hunting isn't over! It's not that I mind the looking, but after my surgery last year, I developed this intense desire to settle in. I've rented all of my life, and I've moved every 2 years whether I needed to or not. I've loved having that kind of freedom. And now I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to own appliances, caulk the bathtub, and trim the shrubs.
I have to admit, my efforts on my food have been half hearted since my surgery. It's not that I'm not trying... it's that everyday living is quite a challenge. It kills my legs to stand still, so cooking meals is tough. I've been eating things that can be done with little prep work. I've had more TV dinners than I care to think about, only because they are quick. I miss cooking, but don't see it coming back in the next month, or perhaps longer. My progress has been very slow the last 15 pounds. But I'm still making progress. I'm in a sort of a slump, but I'm still coming to the plate swinging every time. If a couple of things improve in my life, I'll be back to reporting home runs most weeks, and hopefully in the near future.
In the meantime, I'm thinking of this as just another aspect of my project, just a phase that I will go through from time to time. I'm still committed to my healthy lifestyle change. I'm making lots of changes in other areas, other than food, that are really helping me and feel great. It's all a matter of balance, and I'm working to find a better balance for my life.
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