Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Week Unknown: More Miracles

It's a MIRACLE.

You know, if you've been reading much of my blog, that my whole experience has been pretty incredible. Once I made up my mind I was going to change my lifestyle, things have flowed in a most amazing way for me. Sure, I've had plenty of challenges and some demons to wrestle. I've messed up, I've lost my direction from time to time, and I've gotten frustrated by my expectations of how my progress should be going. But overall, when I look at what has happened since January 2002, I'm amazed. And the only word that comes to mind is: miraculous.

Last week, I confessed here that I ate a whole box of licorice on a binge triggered by some emotional pain, and I gained a bunch of weight. I worked it through, and I was OK with all of it -- the binge, the weight gain, and the time I would take to get back to where I was the week before. I thought it might take me a month to do that. But here I am today, with only 1 extra pound to lose. I lost 5 pounds last week, after gaining 6 pounds the week before!

I must admit, that last week, after I realized how much I had gained, I wondered if there was a sort of mistake with the scales. I HOPED there was a mistake with the scales. So the next day, I weighed myself, also. The following day, I weighed one pound less than I reported here... so I knew that the original weight was correct, or at best, was only just a little off. My scales weren't broken, I didn't accidentally weigh myself wearing my heavy-duty hiking boots, nothing like that. I really gained that weight. So how did I lose 5 pounds last week? I can't explain it. I certainly didn't work very hard at it. I went over points two days that week. I wasn't being very strict with myself. I figured that after a binge, I needed to give myself some space to come back to regular slowly. I thought being strict might just set me up to binge again, and I certainly didn't want that.

There have been many miracles reported here. And after thinking about them all, and thinking about what I'm doing, I have this opinion about them. I believe that when I set my intention to establish my healthy lifestyle, there was something so determined, so powerful with that intention that it has carried me forward. Sure, I've made all of the small, day-to-day decisions to support that goal. I've lived the life, I've done the work. But the work really hasn't been that hard, not as hard as I would have expected. I've not struggled to stay on course. I've had rough patches, but I was determined to see them through, and determined that nothing is going to stop me from reaching my goal. And nothing has. I think my attitude is what has made the huge difference for me. In the past, the few times I tried to diet, I didn't have my mind made up like I do now. I can't tell you why that is true, but it is. In the past, I wanted to lose the weight for all kinds of reasons, but none of them were about ME like this goal is about me. I wanted other people to change how they reacted to me. I thought it would help me get a better job. I thought that if I was prettier, my life would be better. Those turned out to be very weak reasons for me. But deciding that I wanted to healthy lifestyle has turned out to be the answer to all of my prayers and dreams.

Sure, the whole process is taking longer than I imagined when I started, but I also understand that a slow weight loss is really better for me anyway. I'm loving the new foods in my life, and love that I'm still exploring and looking for new foods to try, new tastes to fall in love with. I've discovered that I really LIKE salads. I've discovered that just a bit of some yummy sauce is enough to satisfy me. I've discovered that adding seasonings to my foods makes such a huge difference in how I enjoy them. I don't feel cheated in any way. I don't feel like there is any food that is off limits. I sometimes order a dessert at a restaurant and only eat a few bites, and don't feel bad about leaving the rest or paying for the whole thing. I think I've got the skills and understanding I need to really win at the weight loss game.

And that is the best miracle of them all.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Week Unknown

Hey, I'm doing better. I'm eating good foods, and a good variety. Tonight, for example, I had a lamp chop with kiwi/mint sauce, garlic mashed potatoes, and fresh steamed asparagus spears. For a snack, I had an all juice lime bar.

I briefly considered rejoining Weight Watchers meetings, just to get me back on track for a while. I know where there are meetings in my new area, but I've decided to postpone that decision, at least for a while.

Also, today I purchased my first exercise equipment -- a Pilates machine from QVC. I know that you can do Pilates on the floor with just a mat, but with my mobility challenges, I thought this would really help me to get started. I also bought the stand to raise it up from the floor, something else that I thought would help me.

I'm determined to learn how to stand up from sitting down. I think the Pilates, along with my limited yoga and renewed walking program, will really help me.

By the way, I've unpacked my red towel! Now, as soon as I reach my 20% weight loss goal, I can take some new pics!

Monday, June 02, 2003

Week Unknown

I've got a confession I need to make. I've been binging all of last week, and I've got a weight gain. I've not posted the change to my weight chart yet. I gained 4.5 pounds last week. I'm amazed that I was able to gain so much so quickly, especially after staying at the same weight for so long.

I've had a few hours to really get my mind around what has happened. Here's the short version of the story....

I've been quite upset for a while, maybe months, maybe even years. There are some things in my life that I just don't like. But like any rational person, when they start to bother me, I do one of two things -- I either do something practical to fix them, or I distract myself by looking at the many truly wonderful things that also are part of my life.

A week ago, I went to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen since before my illness, and she wanted to hear the story. After all of this time, I thought I could tell the story pretty fast and in a very positive way. Instead, I found myself suddenly feeling very raw emotionally, and I reached a place where I just couldn't stop crying. In the middle of a restaurant. About a topic that I thought I had understood. I was shocked and dismayed.

I promised myself (and her) that I would work through these issues that came up during dinner. On Wednesday, in my usual session, I did work on these issues, and really was able to express what I've been feeling.

The bottom line, and quite oversimplified I must add, is that I feel like I'm responsible for myself instead of trusting by faith that everything is going to work out for me. When my client problems surfaced a few weeks back, I panicked because I wondered how I would provide for myself. Never mind that something always does work out, or that I say that I believe certain things by faith about the universe and about the spiritual support available to all of us. What I've discovered is that when it comes to money, the money that I earn from my career, I don't have any real faith. I've got lots of experience with really amazing good things happening for me, but I seem to be stuck. I don't seem to believe that I deserve this assistance, so I panic and react with fear. I also realized that I'm afraid to take some really reasonable risks with my work because I am desperate for some sense of security and so I stay put. I say "sense of security" because there really is no security in what I stay with, it's not rational.

In fact, everything I've been working with the last week is very emotional and not very rational. I've been emotionally exposed, my inconsistencies are right on the surface. It's been a tough week emotionally. But that doesn't mean that I had to eat over it. But I did. In the last week, I ate a whole box of licorice allsorts. They are one of my favorite treats, something that I usually keep around. For example, the last time I had a box, it lasted me just over 2 months, giving myself a small treat on occasion. I ate them all in five days. One day, I had licorice for BREAKFAST. The whole time this was going on, I knew what was happening. I wanted to stop, but I never did anything to stop myself. Why didn't I just throw the rest away? Why didn't I realize I was out of control and ask for help? I can't answer any of those questions. I seemed to be fixated on reaching the bottom of that box. I slowly ate every piece, enjoying every single bite of it... until I was overloaded with the taste, and then I would continue to slowly eat pieces long after I was sick of the taste. I would get myself a few from the box when I wasn't hungry. I was a disaster. Of course, with all of that sweetness in my mouth, I lost my appetite for good foods, for fruits and vegetables. I found myself wanting more snacking foods, but fortunately, none others were available.

I wish I could tell you that I've gotten to the heart of my emotional heartache, and that I'm back on the road to recovery. I am proud that I stepped on the scales today, and that I'm posting here my confession. I needed to make this confession for myself, to be honest with myself about what is going on. I know that I've got some things to think about, and that I need to be careful about what I eat this week, to get myself back on track. But I know that I need to resolve this crisis in my faith, to come to grips with my financial fears, and really fix what is broken in my heart.

Remember me in your prayers.

Friday, May 30, 2003

Week Unknown: Sand Storm!

Well, look who stumbled across her blog today?!

Night dust storm in Phoenix
My wonderful life has been more active than even usual! This week, I got half of my teeth cleaned, got referred to a periodontist, decided to have a tooth extracted, realized plants were dying in my front yard, figured out the irrigation system, had a handyman over to work on a door situation, endured a fabulous sand storm, went shopping for rugs (without success), revamped my client invoicing system, prepared client invoices, worked on a scrapbook for a friend, continued to unpack, returned things I had borrowed when the plumbing sprung a leak a few weeks back, and... I'm sure there is more. And this was a 4 day work week! You get the idea.

I've not eaten very well this week, either. I'm quite disappointed with myself and my lack of focus. I'm sure, really sure, that I've gained a bit ... if you had seen what I've been indulging with, you would be confident of a small gain, too. I'm going to do my best to be back on my program through the weekend, and will weigh in on Monday. And just start where I left off, dealing with whatever gain has happened. But that is real life. And besides, I've lost almost 20% of my starting body weight! I can choose to dwell on the small recent gain and be miserable, or I can really enjoy the fact that I've accomplished SO MUCH towards my new healthy lifestyle. I choose to feel good!!

Besides, eating all of the CRAP hasn't been that much fun. In fact, I feel better when I eat healthier stuff. In fact, I'm going to visit the grocery TONIGHT so I can get stocked up on my favorite healthy foods again.

Monday, May 12, 2003

Week Unknown: Camping

It's UNBELIEVABLE!

I must admit, I did weigh myself once after I had started camping in the new place, and I wasn't surprised to learn that I had gained 2 pounds. I figured that with all of the fast food and easy preparation food I had to eat, that gaining a few pounds was inevitable. Of course, I was not excited about the idea that I might spent most of another month losing the weight I had gained while camping.

So this morning, without any dread, I stepped on the scales to learn the truth about my weight. I couldn't even remember the last weight before the camping. So I noted the number, and thought it seemed like a good one. Then I came to the computer to update my weight chart -- and that is when the Hallelulah chorus started.

I WEIGH EXACTLY WHAT I DID BEFORE THE CAMPING!

I know I had gained a few pounds, so apparently, even with the camping, I've also lost a few pounds. I'm right where I left off! I'm totally shocked, totally grateful, and very excited about this. I must admit, during this camping time, I did indulge myself a bit, knowing it was temporary. I didn't overeat, but I did make it a point to try out all of the fast food things that had come out since I started Weight Watchers almost 18 months ago. And I tried them all. The best news is that I didn't love any of them. Sure, a few of them were actually good, but they didn't taste as good as my home cooked things. In fact, I found myself hungry for a salad a few times. Anyone who knew me before WW would know what a miracle that is! I actually missed the fresh and home cooked foods I've been eating on WW.

So during my camping time, I didn't cut loose, but I did allow myself a few indulgences. I had french fries a few more times after that accidental time I wrote about. I've tried all of the new menu items in almost every fast food joint. And I won't miss any of them for the next 18 months. From this event today, and the first weigh in after my illness, I've really come to realize that I have accomplished the biggest part of goal, the goal that has been driving me since before I started WW. I HAVE developed a more healthy lifestyle. I've turned the tide in my own life. Every part of me wants to be healthier and healthier. Now, it's just a matter of tweaking and fine tuning, and occassionally making changes to my daily living.

I'm still doing WW, and I've still got something like 70 pounds to lose. I've not lost sight of that. But it feels today like I'm ready to start to focus more on my next healthy lifestyle goal -- the one related to my physical challenges with my legs. At the same time, I'm also working very hard to learn a more healthy balance between work and rest and play. Every mother knows this challenge! And everyone who works at home knows the little secret of the home-based workers -- We don't work at home, we LIVE at work. It's a challenge to create a healthy lifestyle in the midst of this, but I know I'm going to find my way through this, also.

Hey, if you are reading this this and didn't get it yet, I'll say it right out -- miracles do happen. My life is full of them the last 18 months, and I'm finally starting to really understand what that means for my own life. You might want to look around and see if there are hidden miracles happening in your own life. After all, it's a miracle that the universal forces that keep the Earth in orbit around the Sun didn't fail through the night -- the Sun comes up every morning on schedule. The tomato plant continues to grow on the Earth after generations and generations. Rain and sunshine together allow life to continue. Well being abounds! We live in a miraculous world.

P.S. When I lose another half pound it will be time for the updated red towel pictures. I hope I can find it in the moving mess!

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Week Unknown: Water Anyone?

I am about to embark on a small side journey. A dear friend from Australia has recommended a book to me, and after checking it out a bit, I'm about to order it. Once it arrives, I'm going to start on this water program. The idea is that many of the symptoms of various "diseases" are actually symptoms of dehydration! I know that WW recommends a good deal of water. I've not been drinking enough for a couple of months now. I can't wait to find out more about this water plan. Of course, I'll post my discoveries and progress here. And, if I read the book and decide NOT to try it, you guys will be the first to know.

While I'm out book shopping, I'm also going to pick up another book from a guy I saw on Christopher Lowell a few weeks back.

Friday, May 09, 2003

Week 54: Tomorrow Is Moving Day

It's midnight and I just finished unloading the truck from today. Today was the last packing day. I filled up the truck with everything awkward, fragile, or just too important to lose for a few weeks in a box. Tomorrow at 8 am, the movers arrive. I don't know how long it will take to load things up, but I'm expecting to be here unloading sometime after lunch, early afternoon.

I still have to clear up some things on this end. The kitchen counter is full of tubs that are full of stuff waiting to be put away. I've got to move things in the bedroom so there is a clear path for them to setup my bed. Otherwise, I think things are ready. I'm exhausted. But the idea of sleeping tomorrow night in my own bed, the first time in three weeks, is very exciting.

I'm not even going to talk about what my food has been like, and I'm going to weigh in on Monday and just do damage control. See you then.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Week 53: The Joys of Housekeeping

I just came from Target where I purchased a Swiffer WetJet. My old place has carpeting everywhere, even the bathrooms! I hated that. The new place has tile everywhere except the bedrooms, and I love that. But I've been living here for over a week, and I figured it is time to clean the floors. So, without any market research, I picked up the Swiffer brand of cleaning mop stick thingy. No scientific or consumer awareness in my choice.

Years ago, before such products were on the market, I was experimenting with my own tools and techniques. My ultimate hard floor cleaner was a two step approach -- a spray bottle of a cleaner like 409 in my right hand, which I sprayed on the floor in front of me, followed by a swipe using a paper towel trapped under my left foot. I suppose the neighbors might have thought I was doing some strange dance if they were watching. I knew it seemed like less work than a traditional mop, and the floor got cleaner. I realized with the first of these cleaning mop stick thingies came on the market, that I had missed my opportunity. If only I had known then that I could charge $25 for the setup and that every woman in America would want one -- I would have invested the time and money for protyping and market research. Alas, another missed fortune in my life.

And now that I've used it for the first time, I have one observation. Kotex on a stick. Period.

And one question: How many Weight Watchers activity points can I earn from cleaning the whole house?

Monday, April 28, 2003

Week 53: No Surprise Here

Hello everyone!

Well, after a week of eating out and eating things that don't have to be refridgerated, I've gained two pounds! I'm not discouraged, I understand why this has happened, and I know small gains are a fact of life, even for people at their goal weight. The only problem is that I still don't have a fridge, so I'm facing yet another week of the same challenges. Hopefully, I'll figure out what to do so I won't have the same results to report next Monday!

Otherwise, I'm doing pretty well. Working a lot, trying to get caught up and a bit ahead because I know what my week is going to be like. Lots of packing still to do. And now, a dentist appointment for a root canal. (Like I need another big expense at this time!)

On the move, I've got some great news. I think an old friend is going to come out for a short visit of a few days to help me out. Not only will it be great to see him, but the help will be much appreciated!

Until next time, take care of yourself.

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Week 52: French Fries

I used to love french fries. But honestly, in the last 15 months, I haven't missed them at all. Today, I slipped out for a fast food lunch, and they included fries in the bag, even though I hadn't ordered them. So what did I do? I ate most of them. And boy, were they delicious! I suppose that part of what made them taste so good is not having them for so long. I ate just a few, and decided that I would stop. But a few minutes later, I realized that I wanted some more, so I helped myself.

Bottom line -- this not having a fridge at this end is probably going to mean a weight gain this week. I'm preparing myself for this possibility. And I'm doing my best to make really good choices during this time. And the next time someone puts french fries in my bag by mistake, I'm not going to touch them!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Week 52: My First Post From My New Home

Well, I won't bore you with the details, but the move is probably going as well as any move can go. My monitor blew up / shorted out as soon I got it set up in its new office, and I'm having to backpeddle on the Internet because my high speed connection is not available today as promised. Things are going slowly, but steadily. I hope to be ready for the movers late next week. (Yes, I'm moving that slowly.) It's more about my physical movement than anything else.

Otherwise, I'm thrilled to be spending most of my time at the house. The downside is that I only have my futon, two chairs, the computer table and equipment, a handful of clothes (with no way to clean them), the basics for the shower and bathroom, and about half of the kitchen stuff. Every day I'm bringing more loads for the kitchen. Most of my pantry is here now, but with only the microwave and no fridge, meal preparation is rather challenging. Translation: I've been buying microwavable food for one meal at a time. And catching some fast food.

And a surprise -- I've just plugged in my new flat screen (LCD) monitor. I hated having to spend so much money, unexpectedly, at a time that is already very expensive for me. But I must add how much I love it. LOVE IT. I could carry it in one hand from the store, for example. It looks fabulous, and it is so great to read. Everything about it is wonderful. It wasn't that much more than a regular, heavy, high voltage type -- and it should last much longer. Did I mention that it doesn't put off the heat of the other kind? There's so much to love about it, now that it's here.

I'm going to try to remember to bring my scales on my trip tomorrow, so I should have a weight to post yet this week.

I'll be back as I have time....

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Week 51: Nervous

I can't eat and I can't sleep! (Now, when have I ever said I couldn't eat before?) I go to sign the paperwork for my house in the morning. In fact, I have to leave the house in about 5 hours to get there on time. But do you think I can sleep tonight? Nope. And was I able to eat yesterday? Nope, except for a few bites of yogurt and a half a peanut butter sandwich.

All I can say is this... when the deal is done, I'm going to be ready for a big meal, and a long nap!

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Week 51: Down More, But Not 20%

I needed to lose 1.5 pounds this week to reach my 20% milestone, and I came up just short of it. So it will be another week before there is another towel picture. Or, more accurately, another 1/2 pound! I've had a sneak preview, so I know what to expect. I'm hoping that YOU will be shocked at the progress. I know I was.

I've been managing to eat pretty well, considering everything going on with me right now. I'm trying to empty the fridge and freezer, which has all of those food items that looked good one time at the store, but never seem appetizing after they are at home. I wonder what I was thinking when I bought them. Because they are perishable items, I can't just donate them when I move... I either have to eat them or throw them out. I'm doing my best to eat them, but honestly, I know today that a few of those items are going to the curb. :-)

I had the most disgusting dinner tonight. I met a friend, and she likes this place near her house. I've never had anything bad there, but the food is never very tasty. It's pretty bland and boring, and the place is always full of people. It's a good price, but it's not really cheap, so I'm not sure why the place is still in business. Maybe I've just got a different set of taste buds. But if I never eat there again, I won't miss it. Believe me!

I've been casually cruising the "regular" size clothes when I've been in a Ross or TJ Maxx recently. Looking at some of the really cute things, and looking at the larger sizes (14 and 16). There is no way those sizes fit me, yet. I guess I was really looking, hoping to find something so adorable I could buy it now and enjoy waiting until it fits. But when I did notice a couple of things that were potentially keepers, I had this realization. Right now, with my current body shape, I have a good idea of what lines and styles look best on me. In another 20 or 30 pounds, that could all be different! I really don't know what shape body is underneath all of this stomach! So the best bet is to just wait until these cute smaller things actually fit. I am enjoying looking at them, so that won't stop. I just won't be buying anything until I can try it on. That seems like a good policy.

Don't ask about the closing. I'm just putting out my best prayers that the current owner will provide me with a garage door opener, a mail box key, and the replacement disposer that she put in writing she would provide. I guess I can contact Sears if I don't get an opener, and perhaps the Postmaster of my new town can help me get into my mailbox. And I can use the home warranty to replace the disposer. My other option is to refuse to sign the paperwork until those things are provided. I really hate to play hardball like that. But I might still do it. I've put my Realtor on notice that I'm considering it. In a few days, I'll let you know what has happened.

Until I'm back, just imagine me eating food I bought but don't like, groaning over every bite of it. Or, perhaps you can imagine me taking out a HUGE trash bag later in the week, filled with all of the stuff I don't like, and walking up and down the aisles at my neighborhood grocery, picking up just a few things to last me just a few days. Things I like! Wonder which way this will go?!

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Week 51

I'm Tired, But Hanging In There


It's all of the crazy stuff in my life right now. Living amongst cardboard boxes. Trying to figure out what to pack last, and what boxes to take over first. Wondering if my new address labels are going to arrive. Wondering when to contact everyone with my new address (after the close of escrow -- which is a moving target at this point). My life is a bit crazy. I realized yesterday that I've been eating exactly the same things every day for about two weeks (except for my Big Mac day, that is!). While I generally don't think repetitive eating is a good idea, right now these foods are easy, and somewhat comforting, as I am in the midst of this big change. I can't wait to get to the other side, to have my fridge again full of food choices, cooking in my new kitchen. It will be wonderful. Until then, I've got options that keep my points in line, even if they aren't exactly exciting or interesting meals. Sometimes, easy and predictable is good.

I've been thinking that perhaps a big tub of sloppy joes might be a good thing to eat next week. I've been inventorying my groceries and have a short list of what I would need to make them up. It sounds better and better as I think about it. Maybe I'll slip out later for a quick grocery run.

Otherwise, I'm doing really well. Points are in line, I'm not quite drinking enough water, but I'm getting enough exercise these days. I'm not sitting too long at the computer, either. And my poor brain is overflowing with ideas, with the potential for new projects at the new house. Last night, I was daydreaming about what to do with all of the extra space in my bedroom, when I realized I could make a yoga center and a special seating area where I could work on very personal projects. Now, I just have to figure out how to accomodate the needs of sitting on the floor, sitting on a chair, perhaps stretching out a for a relaxing read, and table space -- without investing in a lot of furniture. I'll figure something out.

I stopped at my neighborhood Barnes & Noble the other day, and this magazine cover literally jumped out at me. That is the look I want on my new covered patio. I don't know how I can do it, but I'll figure that out. Perhaps not the same colors, but the same lazy summer day feeling, tropical feeling. Can you believe a bought a whole magazine because I was thunder-struck by the picture on the cover? I guess the magazine staff would be thrilled to learn that!

I was invited to a friends house for a pot luck last night, but it was cancelled at the last minute because his kids got sick. It was quite a challenge for me. I was nervous about being around new people, people who would see me as I am, not knowing that I've accomplished so much change to my appearance. And, I don't really have any clothes that fit that I was comfortable wearing. I was going to wear one of my demin flop dresses (flop because they are so big on me now). It would have been fine. I didn't realize until this invitation arrived that I'm feeling so awkward around people. I know that I can't just be in hiding until I think my appearance is good enough!!! I didn't even realize that I had any of that sort of idea floating around in my head. It just goes to show that there is a lot of mental and emotional work that goes along with a weight loss. Most of the time, I feel terrific, very proud of myself because of what I've accomplished so far, and I don't care whether or not people notice the change. So this hide-out-until-I-look-OK feeling is news to me, and something that I'm working to remove, roots and all, from my life. Adios bad idea!

The dinner has been rescheduled for two weeks. I'll let you know how I do getting ready for that one!

Have yourself a terrific week!

Friday, April 11, 2003

Week 50

Big Mac Attack!!


I'm remembering my promise to myself (not to mention how busy I am), so I'm just going to say that I spent a huge chunk of time today on the road between stops related to my move. Going home for dinner wasn't an option. Neither was taking the time to eat in a restaurant. So tonight, I had something I haven't had in a very long time. I had a Big Mac for dinner.

I'm happy to report that the experience was a mix of good and not-so-good. There were aspects of the taste that were delicious, but overall, it wasn't that good. I'm glad that I had the chance to eat one again, and I'll probably have another one before I die, but I won't be craving one, that is for sure. I don't miss them. But I had to really have one in my hands to know that for sure.

As far as car dining goes, it was an ok experience. I pulled off into the retail parking lot next door, and found a place where I could park in the shade. (Hey, it's been in the 90s here the last few days, and I always avoid running the air conditioner, so the shade was great.) I had plenty of napkins, so there wasn't a mess. I took my time and enjoyed it as much as possible. I sat for a while, maybe 10 minutes, and leisurely ate and watched the traffic through the shopping center.

In my next vehicle, I'm considering implementing a no eating policy. No doubt the bad habit of eating in the car (usually while driving) was common before I started eating healthy. I don't do it very often now. But even so, no matter how careful I am, eventually bits of food land somewhere other than my mouth. It would be best for the vehicle's condition not to eat in it. Just an idea I'm toying with.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Week 50

Nothing New To Report


I weighed myself so late last week (Saturday!!!) that there is no change today. Hey, I'll take no change over a gain any day! And I'm at 19.5% weight loss, so it is looking like NEXT WEEK is the new towel photo time! So tune in for that!

After looking at the picture I posted yesterday, I decided that I should give you another shot of my face from the first week. WOW! What a difference! Here they are!

My face at week 1 My face at week 50

Sunday, April 06, 2003

Week 50

50 / 50

The Desert Mermaid after losing 50 pounds
Usually, 50/50 means that there is an even split, but today, to me, it means something very different. It's week 50, a nice milestone number, and I've recently lost more than 50 pounds! I'll have a new weight tomorrow morning (if I remember, that is!) but for now, I've lost 53 pounds as of late last week.

I had a picture taken of me with visiting family about two weeks ago. I've blocked out my eyes, but you can still see the rest of my face. My denim dress is so big that it flops on me! Don't misunderstand -- I'm NOT complaining!

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Week 49

Good Times?


This week, I've discovered that there are a lot of really good things happening in my life, but I'm not enjoying them. It's almost like I'm afraid to let go and really feel happy. Now, to be fair, what is happening is a real mixed bag -- there are many wonderful things, and a few tough things, all at the same time. It's not like I'm in a golden moment, a time when EVERYTHING seems to be going my way. But based on how I'm reacting today, I think that even if this was a golden moment of my life, I'd find a reason to hold myself back.

I don't understand this. Sure, good times don't last. We don't get to stay happy indefinitely, other things always happen. But I don't understand why I feel so afraid to let go and really feel wonderful right now. I have moments where I start to feel really great, and then they fade back to my "normal" mood, which I would describe as reserved optimism. I never knew that I was so throttled before.

I really want to be a person who feels deeply (I already am that!), someone who isn't afraid to feel deeply no matter what is happening. At the same time, even when things are not going exactly my way, there is always room for optimism. It doesn't have to mean that I will go from peak to valley in an endless cycle of roller coaster hills. I feel only half alive right now, and that the cause of this is my own fear.

I wonder, am I going to feel this way when I reach my goal weight? Am I going to be thinking "yea, but will it last?" How negative!

I really want to be a person who knows how to be happy, how to find the happy in every day living, how to find the happy inside of myself so it is a part of me, and not dependant on outside circumstances. Today, I"m realizing that I haven't done that, and I'm reaching for a place that feels better, feels happier!

Red Towel Update

I decided months ago that I would take new red towel pictures when I reached 20% loss (which means I've lost 20% of my starting weight). If things go well, I could reach that goal as soon as next week! I did a sneak preview with the towel a week ago, and let me tell you -- I was pleasantly SHOCKED at the change. I think you will be, too.

My weight loss has been very slow the last year. Those of you who are watching my progress have seen me stumble and stay still for a long time, with very slow progress. But I want you to realize that even through the slow times, there has been progress. Maybe we can't control how long it takes us to lose our weight, but we can hold ourselves steady on the course (allowing of course for normal variations!). Maybe my experience doesn't match the women on TV who talk about their losses because it took me longer than 5 months to lose 50 pounds. But one thing I've also noticed, there are very few women doing those commercials who started out at my starting weight. Most of them started out where I am now! I don't know what that means, it's just something I've noticed.

So if you are watching me, and you have any doubts about your ability to make a huge life change -- BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT! If you need an example of someone else who is doing it, I'm glad to be an example to boost your own faith. There are people I watch who boost my faith, too. Fast or slow doesn't matter -- what matters is that you take each moment as the next step in your journey, one that will last the rest of your life. That's what I've learned. I may be the tortise, the slow and steady one compared to the women on TV who are the hares, but I have proven to myself that I CAN DO IT, and I will do it all the way to the end. Where ever the end may be.

House Update

Here are some pictures of my new house.

My new house in Gilbert, Arizona
Here is the front of the house, a typical Phoenix suburb style house with stucco and a tile roof.

The house is almost 10 years old. The front has desert landscaping, rocks instead of grass, with a few plants in the front yard. The big bush along the right side is rosemary. Yes, the herb! I've never seen a bush of it this big.


My fruit trees - a lemon, an orange, and a grapefruit
The backyard is small, but I'm determined to turn it into a desert oasis. Right now, it is desert landscaping with three citrus trees, a lemon, an orange, and a grapefruit. I love lemons, oranges are okay, and I guess I'm going to have to learn to like grapefuit!

I'm going to plant grass in the center, and put other plants around the border. Just enough grass for sunbathing!


Isn't this a great room
The kitchen/family room is the best room in the house. I love all of the windows, and the kitchen island will make cooking a lot more fun.

There is a separate living room (see picture below), but this is the room I'm going to live in. I'm putting the TV in this room.


View of the front door and the living room
A view of the living room from the kitchen. It's a small room, and I would rather have had a great room instead of two rooms, but I'm flexible. I'm going to put my bookcases in this room, and make it more of a library. Honestly, I don't have enough furniture to fill two living rooms, so this one will be empty except for the bookcase.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

Week 49

Long Time, No Write!


Hi everyone

I made two promises to myself on Monday.

First, I said that I would resume making posts here, even if they are very short. (It's almost Thursday, but I'm posting!)
Second, I promised myself that I wasn't going to mention how busy I am. So don't ask me why I haven't been posting, ok?

Last week, I weighed myself (it was a loss!) and updated my weight chart, but didn't post. This week, I keep forgetting to weigh myself, but now I'm posting. Go figure.

The great news is that as of last week, I had lost over 50 pounds. (applause, please!) What a great feeling that is! It's such a huge milestone. I'm so glad that I decided to start my healthy lifetyle project last year, and I'm so grateful that I've stayed with it even through rough times. I'm certainly hoping that the next 50 pounds goes somewhat faster! But I won't complain no matter what the speed.

I've been away from the computer a lot lately because I just bought my first house. The closing is on the 15th. I'm in the middle of jumping through hoops for the loan (which I believe is all done except for the appraisal now) and packing. I'm actually sorting and packing at the same time. I've piled up the couch with things to give away, and the loveseat with things to take to my neighborhood consignment shop. I've filled something like 25 boxes at this point, and most of them are BOOKS! I'm going to clean out the bookcase when I unpack... there is a great used bookstore in Mesa that I use and I'll be living a lot closer to it when I get moved.

I spent a chunk of the Monday at the new place, hanging around waiting for the gas man to turn it on and check the gas appliances. It has gas heat and water heater, and the rest of the appliances, including the kitchen, are electric. It should be interesting to see how that works out. I've bought a new kitchen faucet, and discovered on Monday that I have a programmable thermostat (which was going to be my NEXT purchase). The house has double glass windows (great for energy bill cutting), and the roof is full of insulation. So now that those practical issues are all taken care of, I can start to think about the cosmetic things I want to do.

First on my list is the front door. The screen doesn't close quite right, so I'm going to fix that (don't ask me how, I'll have to figure that out). Then, the hardware on the door looks really shabby and feels loose. I'm going to see if I can tighten it up. I may end up replacing some of it. And the front door is covered with scratches, so it needs to be painted. That's a quick afternoon project, but one that is very important. I learned a long time ago that it's important to take care of the front entrance to my house. Not only does it make the first impression people have of me and my home (and since I occasionally have business visitors, that is critical), but from a feng shui standpoint the front door is the most important part of the house.

The whole house is beige inside. I want to warm up the color a bit, perhaps a taupe, and then add color in the bedroom, and some accent wall colors. I'm going to take my time with this, though. I want to watch how the light moves through the house during the day.

This house feels so solid to me. I can't explain it any better than that. I've been in a lot (trust me on this) of houses in the last few months, and this is the first one that really felt rock solid to me. There were a few that had floorplans and features that I liked better, but they felt flimsy compared to this. This feels like a place where I can put down roots and be settled.

I have to confess that the last week I've slipped back to some bad eating patterns. Few groceries, and substituting a Coke for a meal. I nipped it in the bud, and for the first time in many months, I actually have a taste for fruits and my usual kinds of foods again. I think this is like anything else in life, there are times when you slip into autopilot and it's a good thing, and other times when things creep in that you have to weed back out. I'm not worried about it. It feels like real life to me.

OK, I'm feeling a bit more caught up. I promise you to keep my promises to myself.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Week 47

Grateful For Small Changes


Well, I've lost another half pound, and I'm a half pound from losing 50 pounds. I am grateful for another week of loss.

With all of the physical things going on with me, and still working through some of the issues that came up around my illness last year, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about my body and body image.

(Wow, that was a long kitty break!)

I have been on quite a journey related to my body image since I started all of this in January 2002. I've been losing weight slowly, a bit more slowly than I really would like. But at the same time, I wonder if this pace maybe has been perfect. It has given me time to adjust emotionally to these changes and adjust my body image slowly, without any stresses. And like I said, the mental/emotional changes have been huge.

When I first started out, I thought I would like to lose about 100 pounds. That would put me about 175. Anyone with eyes knows that at 175, I would still be heavy. I think that was a safe goal for me because it didn't challenge my body image in a dramatic way, but it did improve my health greatly! It was a good goal relative to my starting point.

However, as I've seen the weekly Weight Watchers newsletters, and all of the diet plan commercials on TV, many of them START about 175 and lose 50 pounds to look great. When I realized that my ENDING point was their STARTING point, I had some work to do. I had to open myself up to the idea that maybe, just maybe, I could actually be THIN when this process is over. I've never been thin as an adult, or really, as a teen. It's a whole new world to me, and a totally new way to think of myself.

To help me with my legs, I'm seeing a physical therapist, a wonderful woman who is tall and slender. A few weeks back, she told me that about 10 years ago, she had lost 50 pounds. I was shocked! I've known her for almost that long, and I've always seen her as very slender! She's kept her weight off for 10 years. I realized then that I've also been influenced by the yo-yo effect I've seen so many people go through. I don't know of many people who have lost weight and kept it off. Most people lose and then slowly put a good deal of it back on. Those were the ones that I had considered successful.

So in all of this, I've had to come to grips with the idea that I can mold my body into what I want it to be, to really take responsibility for my body shape. Yes, there are some physical factors that have worked in favor of my weight gain, and yes, those factors remain in my life. But I can decide to overcome them all, or decide to let them be in charge. One important idea I had from the start is that I'll let my body tell me when it is done losing weight. I really don't know how my body will adapt and adjust to the weight loss, I can't imagine myself at a smaller weight or know what, for example, 150 pounds will look like. But I can be determined to take this journey all of the way to the end. And now, after these realizations and adjustments, the end is me with a thin body. That's a goal I've been afraid to dream about, something that never seemed possible to me before.

Monday, March 17, 2003

Week 47

Forgot to Weigh In


Sorry that I don't have any news to report. I'm going to try to remember tomorrow!

Apart from that, I do have a lot going on. I'm still househunting. In fact, I'm going to put in an offer on a house on Tuesday morning. It will be my third attempt... hopefully this one is a charm! If not, I'll be out looking at new homes again next week. Sigh. At least I enjoy the looking part. I like them best when they are vacant.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Help!


Blogger broke my last entry and won't let me back into it! So, I'm trying again! (Does anyone know how to delete a post that you can't edit???)

Of course, they have changed the sign since the last time I attended a meeting there, almost a year ago! So it's not exactly how it was when I was there, but it's close enough for the scrapbook. I never saw the view with the desert landscaping, either. I always came in from the north and just saw the sign on the lawn. That's the parking lot side of the building. I only discovered the landscaping on the other side when the traffic forced me to go around the block to turn the way I wanted to go. Thankfully, the view was better from that side and I was able to snap another picture.

I've promised myself that I'm going to spend some time over the weekend scanning in some of the before pictures I've collected. They are sitting here, next to me on the desk, just waiting to be used. I've even thought about emailing my family to see if they will email me digital copies of any pics they might have, but I know better. They will say that the pictures are in the mail, and I'll never get them. They mean well, but like everyone else, their priorities don't line up with mine! :-) After all, what could possibly be more important that my THEN AND WOW scrapbook? So what if the girls have a softball game? (Just kidding!!!)

Monday, March 10, 2003

Week 46

Stop The Presses!!


I know, I weighed in yesterday. But this morning, I was downstairs, the scales were out, and I thought... "well, it is Monday..." so I stepped on. I've lost a pound since yesterday! So, I've reworked my weight chart to show the new loss.

I really needed that boost, too. Last night, I went through a slump where I really got lost in that incomplete fulfillment thing. I cried hot tears. I think, I hope, I got it all out of my system. It's always amazing to me how even though some part of me knows something, other parts of me don't seem to understand. I know that life is mostly lived in this incomplete fulfillment state. We spend a whole lot more time working towards goals than we do accomplishing goals. Goals are accomplished in a moment. And once they are accomplished, we almost immediately set out with a new goal in mind. It seems to me that is a key characteristic of being human -- having a vision of what/where we want next. So given the statistics of time, that much fewer moments are spent at the accomplishment than we spend in the working towards -- it seems totally logical that the state of incomplete fullfilment is the most normal and natural thing. So how come I felt so bad last night? It's a mystery to me.

The good news -- I've lost 49 pounds. I'm somewhere near half way through my weight loss, but not quite. I think I've got about 70 more pounds to lose. But what a huge chunk of weight I've lost! Yipppppeeeeee!!!!! I'm not planning any sort of special reward for 50 pounds. I do have one planned for 100, and I promised myself not to spend a lot of money this year on rewards. Last year, they were very helpful! This year, I've got a new plan. I'm sure that I've written about it before. I bought an album and some paper to do a weight loss scrapbook. I'm calling the book "Then and WOW!" - a sort of before (Then) and after (WOW). Perhaps I should call it "Results not typical." I've been back through all of the pictures of me heavy that I can find. I'm going to make a collage on one page of all of these before pictures. I'm going to do a Weight Watchers page with my ribbons and weight check in card. I'm going to include some of my favorite recipes and foods. I've started planning all of this, but haven't really started the album. Maybe I should start with a special page for reaching 50 pounds. I can take some pics of me and write about how I feel about this goal. That would be a good project, something that won't cost me anything but will really give me a boost.

If you are on a weight loss journey, I really encourage you to keep some sort of map of where you have been. Keep a blog (free at www.blogger.com), keep a special journal, do a scrapbook -- whatever fits your interests. When the going gets tough, and we all have those moments, having a record to look back on really reminds me that I am making progress and encourages me to pick myself up and keep going. It's funny, too, but the fat pictures that used to make me feel guilty and ashamed now make me feel proud -- proud that I've made a lifestyle change so I don't look like that any more. There is no sting any more when I look at those pictures. That is a good thing!

Sunday, March 09, 2003

Week 46

Another Loss!


I knew that things would get back on track! I weighed myself a day early this week, hoping for good news. And since I got good news, I decided to keep this weigh-in amount for the week. It's only a pound, but hey, it's a whole pound in the right direction.

I broke a tooth yesterday. My dentist died a couple of years ago, and I never found a new one. So now, with a near emergency, I've got to find a new one. That's what I'm doing Monday morning. There is a dentist office near my home that I'm going to try. Cross your fingers for me that they are taking new patients on my plan.

Otherwise, I'm doing remarkably well. My legs are improved to the point that I can actually walk around and pick up things! I got most of the downstairs picked up last night, that is MONTHS of accumulation. I'm going to work on the upstairs this week. I am actually going up and down the stairs putting one foot on each step. I'm slow, especially on the down part, and hanging on for dear life, but it's a huge improvement. And I don't hurt after I reach the other end! I'm loving this.

I just spent some time looking online for a new place to live. So far, what's in my price range is not quite what I want. But I'm not giving up. I'll keep looking. I had hoped to be in my new home before the summer heat hit, but it won't be that bad to move during the heat if necessary. That's why God invented ice cubes, air conditioning, and cold showers, right?

My weight loss rate has been very slow lately. Slow is OK, but very slow... well, I wish it were a bit faster.

The theme of my life today is this: incomplete fulfillment. I've got a lot of things going on, all of them are good, all of them have the potential to be really wonderful, but none of them are wonderful YET. I'm not at my goal weight. I haven't found a place to live. My book is thrashing around and doesn't feel like I'm making progress. My legs and knees are better, but not back to normal. For a long time, I've been content, even happy, just to have so many things moving in the right direction. Somehow, over the last few weeks, I've started to feel frustrated by the same thing. I'm going to work on adjusting my attitude and expectations, because after all, life is a journey and not a destination. I'd better find a way to remember how to enjoy the process of living because that is what 99.9% of my time is spent doing -- working towards goals. There is such a short amount of time when I reach a goal, and even though those moments are wonderful, they are just the Kodak moments of living. The rest of the time is where I want to be content, to be happy. Not just a few moments, every step along the way.

Show me how to open my heart to appreciate the wonder of each moment. Help me to see the miracles that are happening every day around me, and to be grateful to have so many wonderful things developing in my life at the same time. I want to wake up each morning thrilled to be living at this phase of my life. Show me how to be that person.

Friday, March 07, 2003

Week 45

Lost Time & Gained Weight


Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I've been distracted and busy. So what else is new?

My scales miraculously started working again the next time I tried them. Unfortunately, they are now weighing heavy, either that or I've gained 1.5 pounds. I suspect that the scales are accurate. :-) I did weigh in on Monday, and today, when I went to update my weight chart, the chart said this is week 45. My blog says it should be week 44. Somehow, I've lost a week along the way. No matter. I'll use the chart as the week number.

During the time I was away from here, I celebrated my birthday, which meant a wide variety of outstanding foods that I usually don't eat. Even though I did my best portion control, I was over points day after day. So I take full responsibility for the gain. It will be off in a week or so, and I had some delicious things. Things I can live without for another year!

I also put in an offer on a house in Gilbert, Arizona. It was a low offer, and while we were negotiating, they got a full price offer, so I'm still without a home. (I'm not living on the streets of Phoenix, I'm still renting a condo!) It's going to be my first house purchase, so I'm excited about the whole thing. What I like, unfortunately, is only available in a different price range than the one I can afford. So the whole process has the feeling of a compromise. I wasn't in love with the house I tried to purchase... it met all of my requirements, wasn't butt ugly, and would have been fine. I'm not disappointed that I'm not going to live there -- I'm disappointed that my house hunting isn't over! It's not that I mind the looking, but after my surgery last year, I developed this intense desire to settle in. I've rented all of my life, and I've moved every 2 years whether I needed to or not. I've loved having that kind of freedom. And now I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to own appliances, caulk the bathtub, and trim the shrubs.

I have to admit, my efforts on my food have been half hearted since my surgery. It's not that I'm not trying... it's that everyday living is quite a challenge. It kills my legs to stand still, so cooking meals is tough. I've been eating things that can be done with little prep work. I've had more TV dinners than I care to think about, only because they are quick. I miss cooking, but don't see it coming back in the next month, or perhaps longer. My progress has been very slow the last 15 pounds. But I'm still making progress. I'm in a sort of a slump, but I'm still coming to the plate swinging every time. If a couple of things improve in my life, I'll be back to reporting home runs most weeks, and hopefully in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm thinking of this as just another aspect of my project, just a phase that I will go through from time to time. I'm still committed to my healthy lifestyle change. I'm making lots of changes in other areas, other than food, that are really helping me and feel great. It's all a matter of balance, and I'm working to find a better balance for my life.

Monday, February 24, 2003

Week 43

My Scales Are Broken!!!


Yep, I went downstairs this morning, remembering that is it Monday weigh in, and I couldn't get my scales to work. Every time I tried (more than a dozen), I got an error. I moved it between every attempt. Sometimes, the error happens if the scales are not on perfectly level floor. I don't know what to think about this!

So, here is my own assessment of how I'm doing:

-- The amount of food I'm eating is good.
-- The number of points in my food is running a bit high. I was over points a couple days this week. Not big splurges, just little things I should have cut back on--and didn't.
-- Variety of food -- I'm flunking this one. I'm having the same things over and over.
-- Breakfast -- I'm flunking this one, too. I used to love my fruit and yogurt breakfast. But now, I don't have a taste for it. I really need to find a new breakfast replacement. I'm not even hungry for fruit.

Overall, I'm still pleased with what I'm doing and the results I'm getting. This is a week for minor course adjustments. I need to read through some recipes and get excited about some new foods. Of course, the biggest obstacle to my variety issue is my legs. It's hard to stand and cook when then whole time I'm standing I have a huge charley-horse in both thighs that aches when I try to walk. Sigh. Things have got to start getting better soon. I just want to make sure I'm doing all I can in the meantime. So maybe I can't do so much full blown cooking. I can still bake chicken, and do up enough for several meals at one time. I can also make a big pot of sloppy joe mix and enjoy that the rest of the week. Today is the day to get motivated to make an improvement in this area.

This week is my birthday, and I'm so happy with everything in my life. It's a great time for me, all challenges considered. I'm thinking about really splurging on my birthday present to me, and getting a really good office chair. I alway get really decent office chairs, but now I'm thinking that with my leg and hip and shoulder issues, I can't afford NOT to make sure I have the best supporting equipment I can buy. I've looking at one chair to see how the prices are online, and I found that I can get a used one for a good price through ebay! I think that is the way to go! I may not buy it this week, but in the next couple of weeks I'm going to take the plunge and take care of myself at the same time.

That is a great birthday present for me idea, the best one I've had in a few years, in fact.

I'll try to weigh myself later, and if I'm successful, I'll update my weight chart. And I'll try to post here through the week, ok?

Take care of youselves!

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Week 42
Grateful For Small Things


I know that I've said this before, but every time I visit the grocery, I feel so... ABUNDANT. There is nothing like the feeling of having good food choices around me. Nothing like knowing that I can cook, or I can microwave, or that there are low points treats just waiting for me to want them. I haven't wanted any today, but just KNOWING they are there makes me feel terrific. Why don't I go to the grocery more often? And why do I left myself run completely out before going again? I don't understand.

I'm not crazy about the few minutes where the counter is covered with bags and stacks of food as I sort out the things for the pantry, the fridge, and the freezer. It's not a bad time, but I'm always rushing so things don't get too warm. Maybe I should take a few deep breaths and just enjoy that time a bit more. I also use that time to pull out the faded, wilted and otherwise trashed food items. It's when old leftovers get pitched, when dates get checked on bottles and cartons. And when I refill the ever ready Coke supply.

Basically, when I'm done, the kitchen is not only fully stocked, but in ship shape! No wonder I like the after part so much!

Anyone else have this experience?

P.S. When I hit 20% body weight loss, I'm going to take new towel pics!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Week 42

Hi gang!

It seems that I barely have time for my blog these days. I'm busy, yes, but normal things take longer because of my knee/leg troubles. I'm getting some help with this, and I'm doing better. And I'm hopeful that the whole problem will soon be behind me.

It's been giving me flashbacks to my illness last summer. I have been through a sort of refresher course of all of the big lessons I've learned in the last few years of my life. Just the lessons, not the struggles or pain that I went through to learn them. A sort of Cliff's Notes to the DM's life. Of course, I would rather just be able to stand up and walk! But since that isn't my reality today, I'm doing my best to be patient with my body. It took some time for these kinks and limitations to develop, and I'm willing to invest some time to help them ease right back out. One that I've really learned -- life is a process, so I'd better be enjoying the ride. Even the rougher parts.

But not all of my life is rough right now. I'm working on my book, a lifelong goal that I've started to make real. I'm looking for a new place to live. It's been a bit exhausting, but only because I haven't found a place I can fall in love with -- YET! Maybe today I will. My snuggle bug, Skooch, makes my days entertaining and eventful. I've got work and a little bit of money in the bank. While there are a couple of small details I would change if I could, overall, my life is pretty darn good. This is one of the good times.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you... I lost another pound this week. I will be so excited to get below the 220s in the near future. But right now, I weigh less than I did when I moved to Arizona eleven years ago! In one sense, that makes me eleven years younger, right? I feel younger, and I suppose that is all that matters.

Monday, February 10, 2003

Week 41

I've lost 3 pounds!


And it feels great!

Sunday, February 09, 2003

My Illness -- Part 1

I promised to write the whole story of what happened to me, so here it is.

In early August, 2002, I had been working too many hours a week without a break since mid-January. I hadn't had a week off, and I had worked through most weekends. I was exhausted. So I wasn't surprised when I noticed that I wasn't feeling well. It seemed like the flu was coming on, just a general sense of tiredness, lack of motivation, and a sense that something was wrong. I noted it, but dismissed it. I had deadlines to meet, and I was promising myself a few days on the beach in California after my next deadline, probably in September.

Soon after this, I noticed that it hurt to sit down. I mean, my whole bum ached. I'd never felt anything like this before. It confused me. And it really started to bother me because, after all, I work sitting down!

On August 15th, I had to run some errands in the early morning. It hurt to sit and drive so much that I went straight to where I was going, and straight home. One stop was the post office, which always means a weight, but it hurt so much that I couldn't sit and weight, and by now, even standing up hurt. When I got home, I laid across my bed. It would be the last time I sat down for more than two weeks.

That was a Thursday. Friday during the middle of the night, I realized that something was really wrong with me. The ache in my bum, while better while I was laying on my stomach, hurt all of the time. Early Saturday morning, I called my yoga teacher for advise. She always is tuned into natural remedies, and I knew that I could find some practical help and comfort with her. She recommended a specific mineral for me to take, and I didn't have any at home. She said she would send someone over with a few for me in a couple of hours.

Mid-morning Saturday, my door bell rang and there was Myrna, a woman I didn't know, who studied with my yoga teacher. I immediately liked her. She handed me the pills and asked if she could come in. She later told me that I looked so horrible that she was afraid to leave me alone. Myrna ended up staying with me for a week. The first few days, she stayed through the night. But after a few days, I encouraged her to go home at night. She would return in the early morning, and bring me a plate with cut fresh fruit. Those moments, when she would arrive and I would have my breakfast, were the happiest moment of my day.

By Friday night of the next week, things were getting more serious. In one of my naps, I had a dream or a vision about my body. I saw a place inside me of where the intestines turn a corner. (I found out later that such a place really exists!) I saw a swelling of the intestine in that place, and a sort of backlog of the stuff you find in intestines. It was sore and tender in that place. When I woke up, I asked Myrna to go and buy an enima for me. I put myself into the bathtub, turned on one of my favorite yoga meditation tapes, and chanted along. The whole time, I was imagining this swollen place inside of gradually getting smaller, and everything that was backlogged flowing out easily. When Myrna arrived, I took the enima, and within minutes everything passed. I immediately felt much better, dramatically better. With Myrna's help, I returned to lay across the middle of my bed.

While I slept, I had another dream/vision about my body. One of the things that had been bothering me lately, since I had been laying down, was that my hip seemed to be popped out of place. In that dream, I could see myself laying on my stomach on the bed. My back was fushia and orange, swirling colors. Suddenly, a light blue drop of paint fell onto my lower back, and in that instant, in my sleep, the pain in my back went away!

I woke up Saturday morning feeling the best I had felt in many weeks. I actually sat on the landing downstairs for almost an hour talking with Myrna. It was the calm before the storm.

That night, Myrna told me that she had to leave because she had a chance to go and work for an elderly woman for a few weeks. So she left me, and I was terrified. I was grateful for her help, and understood why she had to leave, but very scared because I knew I couldn't take care of myself.

I called a friend who is unemployed, and asked her for a huge favor. I asked her if she could come and stay with me and help to take care of me. I told her that I thought I was getting better. Tyneckia came and stayed.

Throughout the weekend, I had tried to reach my doctor's office without luck. I was able to reach them Monday morning, and got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. On Monday, the downward slide began. I was worse than ever, and a boil had started to appear on my bum cheek, right about where the bum and leg connect. By Tuesday afternoon, it was huge.

I couldn't sit down to get to the doctor. Tyneckia drove me in my truck, with me spread out on my stomach in the back seat. The walk to the doctor's office from the parking lot was murder. When his staff saw me, they rushed me into a patient room. He came in almost immediately. He looked at my boil, and said that it was more than he could deal with in his office and said that I had to be taken to the emergency room. I panicked! I wanted to refuse to go to the ER, but Tyneckia said that she was taking me whether I liked it or not. And I knew that I really needed help.

I had a surprisingly good experiene at the ER. At first, someone in the office area insisted that I sit in a wheelchair, and refused to believe me when I said that I couldn't sit on that hard chair. I found a spot on the floor and laid down on my stomach. They saw this, and pretty quickly moved me to a patient area. I waited quite a while for someone to take care of me, but finally a guy arrived. He lanced my boil and drained it, the whole time, I couldn't have any pain killers. I have to admit, I screamed bloody hell. When he finished, he told me to follow up with my doctor in two days.

I called my mom the next morning and told her my boil had been lanced, and that I had a follow up doctor appointment for Thursday afternoon. I found out later from my Dad when when my Mom hung up the phone, she had a weird look on her face. He asked her what was wrong, and she said it was the way I said "goodbye" to her. She picked up the phone and called to get a plane ticket to Arizona. She arrived Thursday morning, and took a cab from the airport to my place. She arrived about 20 minutes before we had to leave for my doctor appointment.

During this time, I got worse even quicker than before. By the time Tyneckia took me to the appointment, I could barely walk. When I got inside his office, he came over to me and told Tyneckia to take me straight back to the ER. Back in the truck, really scared now, I called my house and told my Mom that we were swinging by to pick her up on our way.

This time, they took me straight to a room and I was seen by a doctor. He and a nurse worked on draining my boil so more, and yes, I screamed bloody hell again. After a short while, the doctor told me that I was going for a CT scan. I'm as worried about the cost as I am the idea of needing such a test. In about a hour, I'm back in the ER and the doctor tells me that they are scheduling me for emergency surgery. They are calling in a surgery team and working to get a surgery suite ready. He explains that I have an internal infection, and that the infection is wrapped around my intestines and runs into my female organs. My Mom and Tyneckia are right there. No one talks. I'm immediately depressed. That lasts for a few minutes, and then, I start to think more clearly. He didn't say "tumor" or "cancer" or any one of a number of truly scary things. I can do this.

I don't remember much of what happened until I was being prepped for surgery. I met my doctor, a woman, and I immediately trusted her. I felt safe with her. I remember being on the operating table, right as I went under. And then I remember waking up in recovery. When they noticed I was awake, the doctor from the ER came over to me. He patted my hand, and told me that he hadn't told me this before because hadn't wanted to scare me. In the ER, they discovered that the infection was poisoning my blood, and I only had about 12 to live from the poisioning when they scheduled the surgery. I had almost run out of time.

The most amazing thing is that from the recovery room forward, I never really had any pain. I had been in such pain for weeks that after the surgery, what I felt was some discomfort, but not pain. I had been admitted to the hospital, and taken up to a room on a cardiac floor. It was the only room where I could get into a bathtub, which I had to do 4 times a day because of my incision and the drainage.

The next morning, my surgeon came to see me. The good news is that they saved my life. The bad news is that I will have to stay for 2 weeks and have at least one more surgery, perhaps two. She explains that I had a fistula, that it was unusual, and it was the worst one she had ever seen. There was no way they had gotten it all out, and the additional surgeries would be needed to continue to get the infection out of me. Most fistulas come from an infection inside the colon. Mine was outside my colon, but it was wrapped around it (causing the blockage I saw in my dream/vision). They assigned an infectious diseases doctor to me, who would prescribe an antibiotic for me based on the culture. In the meantime, I was taking a general antibiotic through an IV. Mom and I settled in for a long hospital stay.
Week 42

By Illness -- part 2!


The infectious diseases doctor looked like a frumpy Harrison Ford, and he had a personality to match it. Every day he came and saw me, and checked on my progress. The surgeon and her assistant stopped to see me every day, also. They were shocked that I wasn't running a fever. In fact, over the first five days, it became obvious that I wasn't going to need additional surgery. Every four hours while I was awake, the nurses would come in and give me an IV or dress my incision after a bath. My Mom helped me with those. I had some great conversations with these wonderful men and women.

My Mom, being a smoker, would slip out a few times a day to the employee's smoke hole. She would always come back with stories of the people she had met, and bring back a stack of business cards. She met all kinds of people, from nurses and nurses aides, to doctors and administrators.

During this time, my childhood friend, Bitto, who also lives in Phoenix, came to see me several times. We had some great talks, me and him and my Mom, about life, about my life, about his life, etc. This crisis took our normally good relationships and opened them up to be even better. One thing Bitto said is that he and his wife would like to me to move to live closer to them. I'm in the process of finding a place in their neighborhood right now. Funny thing, it's not the part of town I would choose for myself, but I don't mind moving there at all.

The whole time I'm in the hospital, I'm on a liquid diet. It's pretty horrible. One day, when they brought my lunch, I was so sick of soup that I cried the whole time I drank it, straight from the bowl because it was quicker to drink than to eat with a spoon. The next afternoon, the IV made me sick at my stomach, and my nurse brought me some saltine crackers! It was the first solid food in 3 weeks, and nothing ever tasted as good as those crackers!

Finally, they decide that I can go home. Because I need to be on IVs every 6 hours for the next two weeks, I need to have a pick line installed. I've already told you the story about the woman I met there. I need two different nursing services, one to monitor my IVs and one to monitor my incision. Everything gets scheduled, and Mom and I take a cab home. A few hours later, the first nursing service shows up. It turns out, they aren't going to visit me every six hours, they are going to teach me how to do the IVs myself and come back in a week. I sobbed, I was so tired and so scared. I made a detailed list of the steps to prepare the drugs, clear the line, replace the line, and set the pace for the drip. It's a lot, but I'm sure that after a few times I can do it. It turns out to be OK, even though I was really scared.

For the first few days, I sleep downstairs on the couch and Mom sleeps on the loveseat. She is exhausted, and it takes a few days to sanitize the room I had been in. The infectious diseases doctor told her how to do it, and how important it was not to get me reinfected. A lot of my bedding and some of my clothes are thrown away. I can't tell you how wonderful it was the first time I was able to crawl up into my own bed. Eventually, the IVs have all been given, and I have my first followup with the surgeon. My Mom wants me to come back to Ohio to live for a while so she can take care of me. We figure out how to handle my mail, and the other things that must be done. Bitto come and puts my truck in his garage. Another friend agrees to watch my place. The mail is stopped. I get on a plane and fly to my parents house.

I think this is the whole untold story. I started posting in September from Ohio, so you can piece together the story from this point. I developed a knee problem while learning to walk in Ohio, and it bothers me to this day. In fact, it's worse now than ever. I'm looking into physical therapy and other treatment options now. I've never had knee problems before.

What I Learned

It's hard to pull together how my life has changed since this event. Some of the changes I can't even put into words. Generally, though, I'm more focused on making sure I'm doing what I want with my life. I've also expanded the scope of my goal, of what makes a healthy lifestyle. It's much more than food issues and exercise.

Perhaps because of my lingering knee challenge, I'm reminded of my life lessons all of the time. It's important for me to stay in touch with the people I love. It's important to me that I get a good balance of work and rest and play. I'm struggling with that issue now.

I also have learned that I have to be a bit kinder to myself. I wrote about this earlier this week. It's not OK to decide to make a huge life change and then hate the places of my body that remind me of the past and what I want to change. I can't hate the fat and become healthier at the same time.

I realized through this event how much of my life and my actions are defined by fears. I didn't know that before.

I also realized that I've been too much of a lone ranger through my goal. Sure, no one but me can put food into my mouth. I have to make the choices. But there are people out there who have information and services that can really support me. I have to live my own life, but I can take advantage of the support available from other people.

People really surprised me during this time. People went out of their way to help me. I never expected that. I would never have asked for help if I hadn't been in such a bad place and needed help. I've learned to be more open to people through this.

And I've learned much more. You can see the threads of my new understandings throughout my writings here.

I hope this story has encouraged you. I went through a lot, but it was a series of miracles that I experienced. I tried to tell the story of the miracles here, in the midst of all of the gory details. I hope I told it true and right. The miracles are the real story, the miracles that happened inside of me and around me. Life is full of them, my life overflows with them. Look around... you life might be full of them, too.

Saturday, February 08, 2003

Week 41
Keeping Busy and Healthy


I can't believe it is already Friday night! This week has flown past. I've been eating well. I started to hit a snag mid-week because I was running out of groceries. As often as I complain about that, you would think that I either hate to go shopping or hate spending the money. Neither one is true. Lately, its been because of my knee that I put off any sort of long walking excursion. So about Wednesday when I realized I had scraped the bottom of the cupboards, I went out for a short trip. I got a lot, mostly produce, and boy does it feel good to have options. Choices. Lots of good things around to eat. Please remind me how great this feels if I ever report that I'm putting off another trip!

I had a big event this week, also on Wednesday. I scheduled an appointment with a friend for a massage. With all of the limping around I've been doing, I thought some deep muscle work would be good for me. But more than that, I thought that my friend could help me to really connect to my knee, to help me to figure out what is going on there. I learned a whole lot about myself and my knee during this time, and almost all of it related to my healthy lifestyle changes.

Do you remember way back when I said that wanted to create a healthy lifestyle? And then, after my illness, how I said that I had realized that I was being a bit of a lone ranger where I didn't need to be? No one but me can decide what I'm going to put in my mouth, or if/when I'm going to exericise. Some parts of this I just have to do on my own. But there are plenty of people around who can offer me different kinds of support while I'm making these changes. I had promised myself that I would start scheduling wellness visits with my doctor this year, and with a counselor I know. I thought that having some support for my physical changes would be good, having someone who knows how bodies work and all about nutrition. The same with the counselor, but more for emotional and spiritual guidance. Well, I meant what I said back then, but somehow, the people I had picked to use just didn't seem right to me. So when I had this idea to get a massage, and it felt RIGHT, I followed through with it.

If you haven't had a massage where you found yourself crying or laughing or having some sort of emotional release, you probably won't understand my experience this week. I cried. I screamed, even. I coughed. I felt a lot of sadness pass through me. And through all of this, I came to understand that there are two parts of me right now. There is the old part of me, the way I used to be, which shows up as the extra weight around my body. And then there is the fairly new intention and mindset that I'm going to get healthy. In one way, that intention is totally at odds with the extra weight. I learned this week that I needed to be kinder to my old self, instead of being glad that it is passing away. I learned a lot from being heavy all of these years. The weight was a coping mechanism, and while it wasn't the best idea of my life, it was the best idea I had for a long time. I knew I didn't want to be heavy, but at the same time, I had other issues that I didn't know how to deal with, and being heavy helped me to cope with those. For example, I know that I'm pretty intense, and that people often have a hard time dealing with me with I'm straight on, which is most of the time. So I've learned to not appear threatening, and being heavy is one way I've done that. I could literally write a book tonight about what I've learned about how the weight supported other areas of my life. But the important lesson this week was this: To look on my past with real kindness and appreciation, and to bring the best of the past with me into the future by honoring it right now, in the present. There isn't any room for me to judge my former self, or to be harsh about my former decisions. After all, my body still carries around a lot of that weight, and hating that part of my life in some way means hating parts of my own body. That isn't good. That is the sadness I connected with.

I'm doing quite a bit of journaling these days with my knee. If you have never tried to journal with a part of your body, or an issue in your life, you might find this interesting. This is how I talk with parts of myself when I'm trying to pull things together.

More soon.

Monday, February 03, 2003

Week 41

I lost 1.5 pounds!


Ah, this feels like the good old days! A Monday morning weigh in, and a weight loss!!

The scrapbook I made in my Saturday clas
On Friday, I did something impulsive -- I was in the neighborhood, so I stopped in to my favorite scrapbook store and picked up a few things. (I'm making a scrapbook of my life changes since I started my healhy lifestlye goal last year.) At the counter, there was the cutest little scrapbook, about 5 x 7, and it was the sample for a class they were holding on Saturday. Here is the impulsive part -- I signed up! So Saturday late morning, I was off to a class. It was a really great time. I got a chance to learn something new, and I made something very cute. Most scrapbook classes, you make stuff to go inside the scrapbook, but this class, we made the actual scrapbook! I was so inspired that I picked up the supplies to make two more, and I've already started my next one. It's a Sweet Sixteen birthday present for my niece who turns 16 in a month. I'm setting up the inside pages so it is a sort of scrapbook time capsule for her, a snapshot of her world, her family, and her life, along with her dreams for the future! I'm so excited to be doing this. And I know that she will love it. She really appreciates stuff like this.

It was good for me to add something so creative into the mix. I was really swamped with work over the weekend, so on the one hand, I could have argued that I didn't have the time to spare. But the way I was energized from the class, I couldn't afford NOT to do it. I know that when I work a lot of hours, my joy for living starts to fade, and the colors of life start to get muddy. After this class, I was almost dancing inside from excitement. I need to remember this, and remember to schedule some creative time into my schedule more often!

Sunday, February 02, 2003

Week 41
Another Milestone


Hello everyone

Sorry I haven't been out on the Internet this week. I've been working like crazy for my client, working on my book, and looking at house with my Realtor. It's been crazy over here! But not with my food. My food has been very good, and something very interesting happened.

One night this week, I slid two slices of still frozen pizza into the oven, and enjoyed it for dinner. When I finished eating it, I realized that two slices was really a bit more food than I wanted at one meal. DID YOU HEAR THAT? Who would have ever thought that I would say such a thing to myself. So, I considered some options, including cutting the frozen pizza into 6 pieces in the future (instead of 3) and only having one slice. That didn't seem like quite enough food for a meal, so I decided to cut down the slice sizes by cutting the frozen pizza into quarters instead of thirds. This cuts the points per meal down to about 14 from 18.

On Saturday night, I had my first reduced slice pizza dinner, and I must say, it was just the right amout of food.

I can't quite put into words how proud I am of myself for making this realization and this adjustment. The thing I'm most excited about it the discovery that my current portion was too much food! This isn't my inner food critic telling me that I'm eating too much and pushing me into eating less. This is my body telling me that it was too full, and me listening, and then acting on it. This seems to me to be exactly what a healthy body does, and this is how a healthy mind responds to the information. I feel like I've reached an important milestone in my journey to a healthy lifestyle.

Pizza is probably my favorite meal, and until this happened, I would NEVER have thought it was possible for me to cut back without feeling deprived. The exact opposite has happened. I felt stuffed, so I chose to cut back because it was best for me. I'm so excited because this whole thing is so different from how I used to be with food. It's a real miracle in my life.

And, of course, I'm sharing it here with all of you!

P.S. Tate's comment from my last posting reminds me that I sitll haven't told all of you the whole story of my illness. It wasn't gall bladder, BTW. I promise to write the whole story in the next two weeks. I think it will be good for me to tell it, to relive it all again. I have been trying to only tell the story of the miracles, but some of the details aren't miracles, they are just facts that have to be included. So I'm still going to emphasize the miracles (and there were plenty of them), but figure out how to tell the whole story. I've got this pot on the back burner of my mind now.

Monday, January 27, 2003

Week 40
YAHOO!!!


I've lost another pound. OK, that's only one pound in two weeks, but hey, it's movement in the right direction!

I spoke this afternoon with someone I used to work with, someone who didn't know about my medical problems last year. I ended up telling her the story. Boy, what really hit me is what a dramatic story it is to tell someone. I made up my mind a long time ago that I was going to always tell the story of the miracles that happened. What happened today is that I found myself connecting with some remaining sadness around the whole event, and my lingering walking problem. I got out more than a few tears. It really surprised me, because I thought that all of my sadness was out already. Just goes to show that grief and the grieving process take their own time and shape. On a daily basis, I don't feel sad about any of these things. Interesting.

I did have a strange dream that woke me up with a start. I dreamt that I was waiting for someone, in a place that was like a school or a professional conference, where people were following a schedule and gathering in rooms to hear someone speak. In the first room I was in, the speaker promised me something, and then had to leave the room. I waited a long time, and the speaker never returned, and I realized that he wasn't going to return. Then, I was scheduled to meet up with an old friend shortly afterwards. Again, my friend didn't show, but I just thought he was running late.,,, kitty break.

[kitty break means that my cat insisted on being held, which prevents me from typing.]

Resumed on Sunday, 2 Feb:
I was walking down a hallway when I spotted my friend with someone else, laughing and quite involved with a project they were working on together. When he spotted me, a look of panic came across his face. He stopped and gave me a story about how things were running behind for him, and he would meet up with me when he got the other thing finished. I realized that our friendship wasn't as important to him as I had thought it was. I felt confusion inside, because I had thought something that I now knew was wrong. Of course he needed to finish something he was already involved with. Of course he needed to keep spending time with the other person. Of course, this meant that he wouldn't have time for me for quite a while. I was disappointed, and yet that was tempered by knowing that I fit into his life exactly the way he wanted me to. The only decision left for me, is this: is this relationship working for me? If so, then no change is needed. If not, then I need to cut the cords and move on.

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Week 40
Off To A Great Start


I'm so glad that I took last week off. I ate really well, and I expect to find good news at my weigh in tomorrow. Sometimes, it is good to take a step back, enjoy your successes, and stop trying to measure every single bit of progress. The scales aren't running my goal. In fact, my goal for creating a healthy lifestyle can't be measured with the scales. All that can be measured is my weight loss, which is a nice by-product of my goal. The important thing to me is how I think and how I act -- the choices I make throughout the day that make my daily living healthy or diminish my health.

After making a big client delivery, I took Friday afternoon off and I went to the first movie since July. I decided on Harry Potter, and I wasn't disappointed. I do love those books, and the movies have been really good. One of my favorite scenes in all of the books happens at the end of book 2. It's where Professor Dumbledore is telling Harry at the end of the adventure that who we are isn't our abilities, but our CHOICES. I love that idea, and I believe that it is totally true.

In my own life, I've really challenged myself to make sure that my daily living reflects the values that I say I have. It's very easy to claim to believe certain things, or to value certain things. What is harder, and more revealing, is the choices that we make around the things we say that we believe. It's about more than integrity. It's about really believing something, and putting action to the ideas because we believe them.

When I was in college, I wanted to see if my daily living reflected my values. So, I set a spiritual goal, and said that I would spend one hour on my spiritual activity every day before I could open a book and do my homework. Now, for a student who is working and going to school full time, an hour is an extravagent amount of time. I could just as easily said 15 minutes instead of an hour, but that didn't occur to me. My first thought was to spend an hour. So I did, and for the last year of school, I had the best grades ever, even though I was losing an hour of study time a day. It was a great lesson and a valuable experience in my life, something that I'm grateful I challenged myself to do.

In another way, I've done something similar in my outlook on the challenges of life. When something less than desirable happens in my life, I first ask myself how I have invited this into my life. I don't blame myself for what happened, I just look to see what attitudes or actions in my life might be a magnet that drew that undesirable thing to me. When a friend disappeared and stopped returning my calls, I asked myself if there is a part of me that has cut people off before, and really thought about both sides of that action. As the cutter off person, I usually felt totally justified in my decision. But in my time as the cutee, I realized that cutting someone off can be really rude and hurtful, something I hadn't considered when I was doing it to others. By realizing that I had lived both sides of the same action, it helped me to really see two perspectives, and helped me to decide how I wanted to handle those kinds of situations differently in the future. Honestly, I am still a bit angry with the person who cut me off recently, but I'm working on letting go of that, too. Everyone does the best that they can in any given moment. I'm sure that if my friend had felt that he was able to talk to me and tell me about what was bothering him, we could have had a nice talk. Sometimes, I don't have the energy or desire to go that extra distance with people, though, so I understand what happened from his side. I have just realized that I want to be a different sort of person, and I've made up my mind to handle similar situations differently in the future. I try to make every event in my life into a learning experience for me about me. Some times, I really get it. Other times, I'm lost in the fog. But overall, it's been a really helpful thing.

OK, another true confession. I'm hungry. It's almost bed time, and I do have a few points left. I'm going to go downstairs and grab a handfull of baby carrots and climb into bed for the night.

Nighty-nite!

Friday, January 24, 2003

Week 39
Doing Better


Ya can't keep a detrmined gal down!

I realized over the last few days that more than my food is grating on me. I've got some upset over some other issues in my life, and that upset seems to be spilling over into the food area. I'm working on resolving the REAL problem so hopefully the overflow issues will take care of themselves. Food has been better the rest of the week. I did get stocked up on groceries. I made a chicken dinner that I've made a dozen times before, and it turned out really crappy this time. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but maybe I used teaspoons instead of tablespoons, or some such thing. Anyway, the food is edible, but not yummy. I can live with that.

One quick update on my past medical situation. I am down to the bills that the insurance won't pay. This week, while talking with one of the billing offices, the woman told me to sit tight and she would resubmit the bill to them one last time. She said that sometimes they pay bills by mistake. Another woman in another office is in the process of negotiating a lower amount for me to pay. I cried when she offered it. I didn't expect that kind of kindness from a billing office, you know? I just didn't think that someone in a position like that would be allowed to use some discretion and compassion. I'm so grateful for how this is turning out. The amount that I'm having to pay for my week plus at the spa at Phoenix Baptist Hospital, including the surgery, is much smaller than I had feared. Can you hear me shouting Hallelujah in the background?

Otherwise, I'm afraid that I'm working too much (how many times have I confessed that one?) and not spending the promised amount of time on my book. I'm going to turn things around TODAY. I'm slipping out for a matinee -- I haven't seen a movie since July. I'm thinking Harry Potter. And I'm working on my book after that, and doing laundry, picking up, you know -- domestic stuff. I am working again on Saturday, but I've got some fun planned for Sunday. By the way, I think that Super Bowl Sunday is the best day of the year to go see a movie. I might take in another one Sunday night while the rest of the civilized world watches the game. I'm just not much of a sports fan, especially not football.

More later!