Things You Don't Know About Me
(and I'm willing to share)

• I've lived in the desert for ten years.
  
• I moved here for a job without ever having visited here first.
  
• I have a friend who lives here, someone I went to junior high, high school, and college with. We both live 2000 miles from our home town. He moved here first. Because of his family and work situation, I only see him a couple times a year, but we talk more frequently on the phone or by email.
  
• My cat, Skooch, is my second adult pet. My first cat, Rattle, was eaten by coyotes just over my garden wall one day last summer. I love my Skoochie snuggle bug, but I still miss my Rattle Cat.
  
• I drive a sport utility truck, a small one. Someone told me once it was a "girl truck" but I can't confirm or deny that report.
  
• I have worked for myself for 7 years and mostly work from my home. I love it.
  
• I have always throught I was fat, even when I really was just slightly overweight. When I look at old pictures of me, I see how close I was to really being thin, and I remember how horrible I felt even though the facts weren't that bad. Because of this, I believe my mind is my greatest battlefield, and that my positive body image has to start there.
  
• I'm extremely private about my identify online because I've had problems with people using things from my online journal against me in professional situations. After that happened, I didn't keep my journal online, and then I started to feel safe again when I began posting anonymously.
  
• My Mom knows about this site and my pictures. She is a great supporter of me through this process. I think she and my Dad are both glad to see me resolving this issue in my life. They never nag at me, only praise me. (If only my childhood had been so positive... LOL)
  
• In the past, I could never buy a bag of potatoe chips because I would eat the whole thing as soon as it was open. Today, I buy one bag of chips each month and give myself one ounce at a time with some lunches. It's one of my favorite treats.
  
• I learned to cook when I moved out after college. I was so broke that I couldn't afford fast food or even TV dinners. One of my favorite meals was tacos, and I would make enough that I could have leftovers at lunch for two days afterwards. I also learned a lot about potatoes during that time.
  
• When I was broke, I started making my own pizzas. At first, they were horrible, but I had to learn how to make them better because I couldn't afford to buy them. Now, I make a great pizza, and my biggest secret is the seasonings: oregano, basil, and garlic.
  
• I use very few points for breakfast, have a small lunch, and really save the points for dinner.
  
• Sometimes I catch myself worrying about how I will keep adjusting to fewer and fewer points as I lose weight. I don't feel overstuffed now. Then, I carried a 30 pound cat litter container in the house, and I started to appreciate how much work daily movements are at my current weight. Now, I really think that I will want less food as the weight comes off.
  
• I have one drawer in my kitchen devoted to Weight Watchers. I have my points calculator, my scale, a permanent marking pen (for writing on food packages), a stack of journals, and recipe cards. There are also some old grocery lists in there, I'm sure.
  
• Exercise is the one part of the program that I haven't been really focused on. I love to walk, but just haven't been in the mood to do it. I'm going to figure out a painless way to get it back into my daily life.
  
• I have taken steps to make my life more active. I walk the stairs instead of using the elevator. I park out in the parking lot and walk to the stores. In large shopping centers, I park in the middle and walk from store to store to keep moving more.
  
• I used to be a night owl, but in the last two years, I've started going to be early and getting up early, like 4 am or so. I really like the quiet of the middle fo the night, and I like getting up before the sun is up.
  
• If you knew me in real life, you would probably be surprised at how quiet I am. I save most of my words for writing.
  

Week 17
Cleopatra Here...

I have been sick the last few days, it seems to be a flu-like bug, but I know the real reason I've been sick is because I've been working too much. I don't want to blame the poor flu bug for MAKING me sick. I made myself sick.

So here is the Queen of Denial part... I went to my meeting yesterday to weigh in, and it showed a gain. I wasn't surprised because I have not been, ahem, using the bathroom for a few days now. I get like that when I'm sick. The scales showed a weight gain, and while it could be the return of my plateau, I believe it is the flu effect. Especially since I really took a huge dump when I got home from the meeting. HUGE. So, I haven't decided what I'm going to do with this weigh in. I'm thinking about hitting another meeting on Wednesday for another weigh in, just to see if things adjusted themselves and it really was the dump-factor. Otherwise, I'm going to have to process the idea that maybe I really did have a gain, even though I ate really well during that week. Although once I was sick, I did cut back quite a bit on my points... no appetite.

The bottom line is... I'm being honest that I'm not dealing with my weight gain. Does that still mean I'm in denial?

The best thing that has come of out this event is that I realized I'm not upset about the gain. I didn't freak out, get mad or anything else (like I did during my plateau). I know that I'm on track and I'm actually feeling more like I want to be very strict and accurate this week, just to really prove to myself that I'm on track. During the plateau, I would sometimes feel like all was lost, and want to give in and splurge just because the numbers weren't great. I hope this is a sign that I've really learned that it is more important to eat healthy than the results on the scale. (laughing) I guess time will tell...

Week 17

Sorry I disappeared for a few days. I've been working too much, and I actually took two whole days off! Unbelievable. I actually might feel like returning to work in the morning. Nah, maybe not.

But inspite of being out of groceries, I've creatively scrounged for food using what was on hand, and have kept within my points. I went to Boston Market last night near closing, and they gave me so much ham that I could use it today, both for one meal for me, and snackers for Skooch (you cat owners know what I'm talking about!).

Tomorrow is another meeting, and I'm hitting the grocery on the way home. It makes for a long long lunch, but it will work.

By the way, I've spent the biggest part of today cleaning up my office, which includes the out of season clothes closet in this room. I've got a huge pile of things to ship to my sister, a few to try to consign, and a whole bunch to give away. That will be my errand for Tuesday afternoon!

Next time I'm here, I'll be reporting on my weekly meeting results. Oh yes, and hopefully getting out that last issue of The Skinny.

Week 16
New Pictures

I'm still swamped, and still working on that issue of The Skinny. Thanks for being so patient with me! I hope to have it out before the end of the week.

I was in such a good mood after Monday's results that I stopped on my way home from a meeting and bought a new dress, two sizes smaller than my starting size! Wooo Hoooo!!!! And since I was trying on clothes, I decided to try on my red Ralph Lauren towel and posed in my bathroom for new pics! Check them out on the side. I still can't wrap that towel around me, but by golly, it's getting closer!

I think the next round of pictures will be in either 4 months or 30 pounds, which ever comes first! Based on my progress so far, I'm expecting the bottom edge of the towel to just about touch... we'll see what really happens!

Week 16
More Good News

I have lost 29 pounds!

I have reached my 10% mark, and I'm one pound from losing 30 pounds, another milestone. To celebrate, on my way home from the meeting, I stopped at a discount store and bought myself a new bathing suit. I haven't owned one for years, so it is about time. There are two pools within about 2 blocks of my condo.

Week 16
Feeling Angry (Again/Still)

The problem is that I'm working too much, and my life is out of balance. I'm angry that I've let this happen. I'm angry that I've worked through the entire weekend without having even one bit of fun, or even doing one bit of housework. This has got to end. DO YOU HEAR ME... THIS HAS GOT TO END. This is no way to live my life. This is no way to spend my time. This is certainly not a healthy lifestyle, spending hours on end writing and excluding the entire world.

Maybe it takes getting a fire lit under me to get me to change directions. Maybe it takes getting so tired that I can't find the energy to be polite or politically correct or think about things from the other person's point of view. At some point, I have to just decide what I want in my life, and let the rest go. I don't want working weekends, unless I've had two days off during the week. I don't want clients who don't pay their bills. I don't want icky people who are so anal that they get all worked up about issues and events that don't even touch their personal life, people who want to control parts of the world that they don't even participate in. What kind of head game is that? I'm tired of spending time with people like this!!!

Sigh. Rant over.

So what do I really want? What do I want in my life?

-- I want to work with clients who have interesting projects, who appreciate my talents and efforts, and who respect me in many ways, including paying my bills promptly.
-- I want to spend my working hours exploring new areas, new subjects and taking new twists on things -- things that engage my abilities and experience and aptitude and allow me to rise to the challenge.
-- I want a daily routine where all of my needs are met, my emotional needs, my physical needs, my spiritual needs, my need to pay the bills, my need to be involved in friends lives, my need to share with my family's experiences.
-- I want a balance of indoor and outdoor time, so that I can feel fresh breezes, see the horizon and hear the birds, and at the same time, create my art, explore the world of ideas, and crack open the oyster that is my universe.
-- I want people who have their own thoughts, people who see their own life as a grand adventure and explore it with a sense of perspective and humor. I really like people like this.
-- I want to laugh several times a day, at myself, at the irony of the world, at the puns I encounter, at the silliness of things around me.
-- I want to share something from inside me every day.
-- I want to learn something new about myself every day, and something new about the world around me every day.
-- I want to enjoy this journey, this lifestyle change I'm making, and the things I'm learning about myself.

I feel much better.

Fruited Rice Pudding
(modified from the Best of Weight Watcher's Magazine, vol. 1)

Ingredients:
2 cups skim milk, divided
1 3/4 c water
1/2 c uncooked white rice
1/2 tsp salt
1/3 c sugar
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 c strawberries, cut into small pieces
1 tbs blackberry preserves (optional)

Directions:
1. Combine 1 cup of milk, water, rice and salt in a saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and cover. Let simmer for 30 minutes.
2. Stir in remaining milk, sugar and vanilla. Cover and let simmer for 25 minutes, stirring occasionally until creamy.
3. Remove from the heat, add strawberries and preserves (optional) and let stand for 5 minutes.

Serve warm or chilled.

Servings: 4 (1 cup each) Points: 3

The original recipe called for mango and pineapple, so you can substitute any fruits in this recipe, adjusting the points accordingly. You can use fresh fruit or frozen. This is really yummy, and although it takes some time, it is very easy to make. I have been buying rice pudding at my grocery store for over $3 for about 3 cups, and it has 3 points for each 1/2 cup serving.

Week 16
Munchie Attacks

The last two days have been driving me crazy. I fix myself a nice meal, and about an hour later, I want to eat. I'm not hungry, I know I'm not hungry, and yet I just want something to munch on. I'm so glad this doesn't happen very often. Tonight, I discovered something that really helped to put an end to it (at least it hasn't returned in the last few hours!). I made some lemon zinger tea, and I added 1 tsp of this great mango flavoring that I found in a bottle in the tea section. They have several flavors, including raspberry. The flavoring is zero points, and the tea is zero points. There was enough of a sweetness to the taste that I felt like I had enjoyed a bit of a dessert without the points. Try it the next time you are feeling the munchies.

Week 15
Swamped, But Have Good News

Remember those jeans I pulled out a few weeks back, the ones that I was so thrilled to be able to wear again? I wore them last Thursday to a meeting, and washed them this week. I pulled them out of the dryer this morning and wore them to yet another meeting. But today, something was different. I pulled them up, and started to tuck in my shirt, when *holy cow* they are WAY TOO BIG! They still stay up, but they are so sloppy too big that I had to leave my shirt untucked just to look better. WOW. And this after a week where the scales said I gained weight.

It just goes to prove what I've said all along... the scales only measure one aspect of this lifestyle change.

I was all excited this morning driving to my meeting, thinking that it was time to buy a smaller pair. Then I remembered that I already own smaller pairs (see, Queen of Denial kept them in the back of her closet, just in case...) and even if I didn't own a smaller size, it's too close to summer's heat to buy such heavy clothes. When it is 110 degrees in the shade, with 80% humidity (which pretty much describes late June through early September in the desert), jeans are the LAST item of clothing I would consider wearing.

Bottom line... I'm jazzed again. Now, I can't wait to try on other clothes to see what happens... maybe I'm down a size in everything!

I promise to get out The Skinny in the next few days, and to update my Ralph Lauren red towel pictures! I know there is a huge difference because I did a sneak preview the other night after my bath.

Isn't it amazing how just a few days can go by, the the challenges have all melted away?

Staying Real

It happened. After only losing a very small amount over the last two weeks, I've had my first gain. Overall, I've been at the same weight now for almost a month. My first plateau. I was quite upset last week over the small loss, but after all of the trouble I've had the last few days, I really expected a zero loss, or even a small gain. I wasn't upset, and I'm not upset about it now. If I let myself, I could get frustrated over the lack of weight loss in the last month, but honestly, I don't want to go there. With two very small exceptions, I've continued to eat right, like a champ. The results are out of my control. All I can control is what I do, and I'm very proud of my successful lifestyle change. I know that once this time passes, the weight loss will resume, and I'll soon be proud of additional losses.

One change I've made is that I've signed up today to joing the Weight Watchers e-tools, their online journal, recipe calculator and other things that sound quite nice. It's about the cost of another meeting once a month, but I'll try it for a while and see if it helps. I'm more determined than ever to do everything by the book. For example, I know I've been slacking on the water drinking, so starting today, I've got renewed enthusiasm for every little detail. It feels like I'm starting with a clean page today, and ready to start the next phase of my lifestyle change.

Week 15
Update

It's only been a few hours since I wrote about my struggles, but I feel so much better. I don't feel so edgy any more, and I'm sure that my hormones have leveled off. I'm really relieved!

For dinner I decided to have the pork chops, asparagus and potatoes. In fact, I had an extra chop that I was going to cook and put away for tomorrow's lunch, but I decided to eat the extra protein in place of some of the potatoes. It is more points, yes, but also more protein.

In looking back, I'm glad that I had the can of fruit to eat when the cravings were at their worst. I'm going to replace the can, and make sure to have something that is somewhat safe on hand for times when I have cravings. I'm just glad that I feel better.

Week 15
Keeping It Real

I haven't written much in the last few days because I've been really struggling with food. For the most part, these last months have been relatively easy. They have required strong decisions, and repeated decisions, but the hard times have been mostly about issues other than food. The last two days, it has been food, and cravings like I don't remember ever having before. I postponed writing about this because I kept thinking (in my eternal optimism) that it had to end soon. I'm in the second day, and I hope it is finished with me.

I know that this is connected directly to my period, which also started two days ago. One thing I'm glad to say... since starting this program, I've had fewer PMS-like symptoms, and more regular periods. That is awesome. In fact, this month my period is right on time and I had NO PMS-like symptoms. But I've also had the most incredible cravings that I've ever experienced. Last night, I was having cravings, and when I checked back over what I had eaten for the day, I was points short. So I thought that the cravings were possibly real hunger, and thought it was OK to fix something somewhat nutritious for a snack. An hour later, I was craving more... the bit I ate only seemed to make the craving worse. I waited 10 minutes, hoping that the craving would pass, and it didn't. I ended up fixing 2 tbs (unpopped) of popcorn, hoping that the munching would satifsy me. But even that wasn't enough to end the craving. I ended up being a bit miserable after that. I finally ended up fixing a half peanut butter sandwich, and really blowing out my points for the day. I chose peanut butter because it is not only sweet, but it has enough protein that I figured I would not have any real hunger for several hours after, unlike snack foods without protein.

It seemed to work... I was able to get to sleep and didn't have much more trouble after that half sandwich. But this afternoon, it started all over again, only stronger. I have been craving sweets like crazy. I tried another half sandwich of peanut butter, and while it filled me up, it didn't solve the cravings. I ended up eating a whole can of fruit, which was supposed to be four servings, and have found some temporary relief. I'm getting ready to fix my dinner now, planning on having pork chops, asparagus and maybe mashed potatoes. I'm thinking about fixing myself a full dinner using all of the points that I normally use for dinner, ignoring the fact that this will put me over the top again today. I'm afraid that if I cut back on dinner, I'll be really hungry later, and I don't want another evening like I had last night.

What is amazing to me is how scared I feel inside. My brain is telling me that this is OK, and that in the scheme of things, two days over points doesn't really matter, even if it means I have no weight loss this week. Two bad days in 15 weeks is nothing, just nothing, to be worried about. I know that this voice in my head is the right voice to listen to. The scared voice is the same part of me that cried when a friend didn't have time to talk to me this afternoon, and is fueled by hormones that are a bit out of control right now. I know that if I just stay calm, things will all work themselves out.

It's one of those days where I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Know what I mean?

Buyer Beware

The companies that produce food items are supposed to provide accurate information on the labels, information that we in WW use to calculate points. Here is a case where the labels was wrong, dramatically wrong. I don't know what kind of food item this is, but I've never heard of the company. I think there are laws that require this information to be correct. Just be careful if you are eating a lot of packaged food from a company that isn't well known, especially if they are snack foods.

Week 14
New Tool/Toy

I have been thinking about buying one of the Weight Watches digital scales. I haven't yet because they are $40. I suppose that is about the correct price, but it just isn't something I will buy without considering it. I think it would be to my advantage to really be able to weigh out the one ounce of potatoe chips that makes one serving instead of counting out the 15 they estimate. After all, the chips on the top of the bag are bigger! Also, I spend some time doing math to figure out how much of a fish fillet is actually 4 ounces based on the raw weight. I just think having a scales will be faster and easier, and more accurate. I don't know if I've been overestimating what I can eat, or underestimating, but with a scales, it will be accurate.

Yesterday, I was doing a stock up trip to Target (cat litter, toilet paper, lightbulbs, you get the idea...) when I discovered that they carry digital kitchen scales, and they are CHEAPER by $10. There is one difference, the WW scale comes with a clear plastic food container that sits on the scales. The Target one is just the scales, but get this... the scale has a feature where you set an empty container on, any container, and it weighs the container, and then you hit a button, add the food to be weighed and it subtracts the weight of the container! So with the Target scale, I can use every container in my kitchen and always get an accurate reading. I read the instructions last night, but I don't have enough batteries to feed it. So today, I'm back to Target to get more batteries (and a couple of things I forgot yesterday) and then my kitchen will have its own scales! Wooo Hoooo! And I saved $10!

Week 14
Positive Life Outlook

I always love to find things in other people's blogs (online journals) that encourage me. I just visited one of my regular stops, the blog of Wil Wheaton (Stand By Me, Star Trek: Next Generation) and was thrilled to find this gem:

"Taking out the garbage cans tonight, I saw that a huge garden spider had built an enormous web in my backyard. I love this, because this huge, complex, beautiful web is vital for this spider's survival, yet it will be gone by noon tomorrow. That spider is going to build an equally beautiful and necessary web again tomorrow night, and this web will be as unique and as complex as tonight's. This is a great lesson."

For me, this kind of an outlook on life is the only worthwhile outlook. My life is too precious to waste its moments looking out at the world through dirty windows. I'm not wasting one spec of time or energy regretting the time I've spent with this extra weight, or even that I put on the weight in the first place. The important thing to me, the only thing, is that I'm making changes TODAY to let myself become more and more of the person I want to be. That's all I can do, and all I can expect from myself.

I expect to find the best things in life, and I look for them in every person, situation, place and idea. Yea, sometimes I mess up, but when I keep myself focused, it is amazing to see how the world twists and opens to show me the best it has to offer.

Week 14
An EGGcellent Cure For Discouragement

I've been eating very well, and I've been looking forward to reaching my 10% goal. Because I missed my meeting last week, I figured that I had lost about 3 pounds since my last meeting. But when I got weighed, I was shocked to learn I had only lost .4 pounds. Not even a half pound. For the first time, I actually considered taking off my shoes! But I had decided up front that I wasn't going to worry about how much my clothes weighed, and figure that over the weeks, the clothing weight would be balanced out.

I know I shouldn't have been disappointed by this result. It was a loss, and I know that I'm doing my best. I took my seat in the room, but a few minutes before the meeting started, I bolted. I just couldn't sit there. I wanted to cry a little, and I wanted to do something dramatic, something to really splurge. Fortunately, I didn't do either one. I drove around for a bit, and then decided to try out the new highway that opened in Phoenix over the weekend. (It's very nice, by the way.) I called and told someone how I was feeling, and how I knew it was ridiculous for me to feel this way. I know all of this. But I still felt it.

Here is what turned my day around... I was waiting in traffic at a light when I spotted a white VW painted up for a local chain of breakfast restaurants called The Good Egg. The license plate was "EGG Mobile." Besides the advertising pictures, it had a sign pointing out the EGGhaust, and said "How's my driving... EGGcellent (and other options)." This made me laugh out loud, just what I needed. I sat there for so long, that I decided to call the "How Am I Driving" phone number. I got voice mail, and explained that I was in traffic with the EGG Mobile and thanked them for making my day by making me laugh. I told them that I really enjoy their restaurants. And I hung up.

My day was turned around as soon as I started laughing. The sun even seemed to shine a bit brighter. I felt grateful for the nearly 27 pounds that I've lost, and the huge lifestyle change I've made. And then my cell phone rang. It was the driver of the EGG Mobile, who had just retrieved my message. We talked briefly, and he told me that he was going to leave something for me at the counter of the restaurant I usually visit. I thanked him for making my day twice! I'm going to stop by there tomorrow to pick it up, and I'm very EGGcited about it.

The moral of this experience is: When I'm feeling blue, there is nothing like silly humor to turn things around.

The other moral is: When things are going good, they just keep getting better.

Garlic Shrimp
Adapted from Cream of the Crop from Weight Watcher's Magazine.
Ingredients:

1 tbs olive oil
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
8 garlic cloves, minced
1 bay leaf
1 1/2 lbs large shrimp, peeled
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 c dry white wine
2 tbs fresh parsley, minced
1/4 tsp thyme
1/4 tsp lemon pepper

Directions:
1. Heat oil in large non-stick skillet over medium heat. Add red pepper, garlic and bay leaf. Simmer for 30 seconds.
2. Add shrimpt to skillet, add salt and saute for 3 minutes.
3. Remove shrimp from skillet and set aside.
4. Add wine, parsley, thyme and lemon pepper to skillet, bring to a boil and cook until reduced to 1/4 c, about 1 minute.
5. Return shrimp to skillet, toss to coat. Remove bay leaf.

Serves: 4 Points: 4

Apricot Glazed Pork Roast
Adapted from Two's Company by Weight Watchers Magazine.

Ingredients:
1/2 c apricot preserves
4 tsp dijon mustard
1 1/2 tsp dried thyme
1/4 tsp lemon pepper
2 lbs rolled boned pork loin roast

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Combine preserves, mustard, thyme and pepper in a bowl and stir well.
3. Place roast on broiler pan and brush with apricot mixture. Insert meat thermometer into the thickest portion.
4. Bake at 350 for 1:55 or until thermometer reaches 160, basting occasionally with preserves.
5. Let stand 15 minutes before slicing.
6. Slice roast into 6 4 0z portions. Store in fridge up to 4 days or 3 months in freezer.

Serves: 12 (2 oz portions) Points: 4

They stay great in the freezer. Here is what I've done with them from the freezer.

1. Thaw 4 oz (2 portions).
2. Mix up some additional apricot mixture: 2 tbs apricot preserves, 1 tsp dijon mustard, 1/8 tsp thyme, dash of key lime pepper (or lemon pepper).
3. Place meat in a frying pan on medium heat. Cover with additional apricot mixture. Add pepper to taste. Warm on both sides, basting as needed.

Serves: 2 (2 oz meat with 1 tbs mixture) Points: 5

The key lime pepper is really wonderful with this, the lime adds a great contrast to the apricot. If you can't find this at your grocery, try adding 1/2 tsp lime juice and use either lemon pepper or any black pepper to taste.

Week 14
Recipes

I've made a lot of yummy things lately, and I'm behind on posting recipes.

Week 13
More New Foods

I made a trip to the grocery last night, and finally was able to find some fish that looked fresh. Tonight, I had beer battered orange roughy with mashed potatoes. I meant to have asparagus with it. I pulled the asparagus out of the fridge and set it into the steamer pot on the back burner. But I forgot about it during the rush to fix the batter, and so it never got water added to it, and never got turned on. I discovered it sitting there on the back burner when I went to clean up. I guess I'll have the asparagus with a meal later this week!

The fish was good, but overall, it's not a recipe that I'll plan to fix again. Just not that exciting.

I do have the ingredients to make a mint cucumber salad. What's strange about this is that I never have like cucumbers in the past, but this recipe sounded good. I'm discovering that I'm much more flexible about foods than I have been in the past. I'm going to make this tomorrow (at least that is the plan) and if I don't like it, I don't like it. But I might just discover something really wonderful, too.

It's really exciting to me to see how many new foods I'm willing to try. I've been a somewhat picky eater in the past, really only eating the same things over and over. At least for now, my food courage is high, and I'm finding lots of great new things.

Week 13
More Looking Ahead

Apologies to everyone looking for the last issue of The Skinny... my work schedule has kept me unusually busy. Hopefully, I'll get the next issue out on Friday or Saturday.

I've been thinking about this next phase of my lifestyle change, the new phase I seem to be entering. That's not quite right... its more that I feel that the first phase is coming to an end, and I'm preparing for the second phase now. I've been thinking about stopping my attendance at Weight Watcher's meetings at the end of this month. It's not the expense, exactly. But I figure with the first few weeks dues, I can purchase myself a really great set of scales. And I can weigh myself in every week. I'm not getting much from the meetings the last 4 or 5 I've attended.

I want to make sure that I've really made myself accountable if I quit meetings. One thing that would go away is my access to the journals, and with them, easy recordkeeping. I'm thinking about creating something in Xcel that would let me track my daily points, and do the math for me! The only disadvantage -- I would have to come upstairs to the computer, where I've kept my journals in the kitchen. I'm sure I could come up with something, though, that would seem like an improvement, even if it was slightly less convenient.

Part of thinking of moving away from meetings is trying to reach the "after" state of my project. I really don't see myself continuing to attend WW meetings after I reach my goal. I figure that if I quit and it doesn't work out, I can always rejoin if I want to. That's not a problem. So, the real issue for me is making sure that I don't start getting sloppy with my daily food.

I'm not making the decision today, I'm just thinking about it. If I quit, I will most likely do it at the end of the month. Maybe I should go out shopping for a set of scales this weekend!

Week 13
Reaching A Plateau Part 2

Over the last three months I've gone a long way towards changing my lifestyle, but I'm feeling like there are other directions I need to go, new growth that needs to take place. It's not that I really WANT to suddenly become this active, sporty type person... but because of my success with the first phase of my changes, I'm suddenly interested in doing things that never had appealed to me before. It amazes me how making one change leads to other changes, things that could not have guess would change. Now that I'm seeing results and feeling very positive about what I've got going on, I'm looking for the next growth opportunity, and new ways to expand my success even further.

I talked with a fitness guy at work about what he does for exercise, and I found he feels the same way I do about the gym. He would rather be outside, also. It was an interesting conversation to have, not because of what I learned from him, but because it was new for me to see and hear myself having such a conversation about exercise. I could see today that I'm really becoming a new person on the inside.

As I drove past the public golf course on my way into the office, I thought about what it would be like to have golf clubs in the back, and pull in here and golf. I have also imagined my truck with a bike rack on it, and wondered where I might store a bike in my house or yard. I don't even know if I can get a bike rack for my truck, but it is probably out there. I don't see myself playing tennis, mostly because I'm too far out of shape right now to be able to do it. Maybe I'll take some lessons later on, when I'm lighter on my feet. Who knows? I've also thought about resuming roller skating, the real old fashioned kind of skates, not blades. Something will happen...

I made up my mind that I'm going to resume yoga classes starting tonight. I don't know how long I will do this, but I'm going tonight. Maybe for a while the classes will help me to learn some more and to get back into the routine of yoga. Hmmm... maybe I'll even consider going to WomanHeart this year. It would be nice to go when I'm not in the middle of a disaster. I can certainly work it around my work schedule... oh, that's the project live week. Well, it is something to think about, anyway.

Updated

After I wrote this, I did decide to go to my yoga class Tuesday night. It was a great experience, and I'm considering going every week for a while, just to be me inspired to resume my morning yoga routine. Once that happens, I can go to yoga once a month or so, and feel good about it.

Week 13
Reaching A Plateau

Most often, when people talk about a plateau, they mean that they have temporarily stopped losing weight. But today, through a series of things I have been thinking about, it occured to me that I've hit a plateau even though I'm still losing weight. My plateau is about lifestyle. Over the last three months, I've worked hard at designing a new life for myself. It was obvious that my old lifestyle wasn't working for me... it left me about 100 pounds overweight! So I threw everything out and started over. I'm eating new foods, I'm eating very differently, and I'm looking at my life differently. In every way, my changes have been a total success.

So, how could I think I'm at a plateau?

I went back to my original goal, the real reason that I'm doing this. Yes, I have smaller goals, like being able to wrap a towel around me. But the REAL goal is more basic than that. At the end of last year, I was taking inventory of my life, and looking at my assets. At first, I just looked at the financial things, and then my view expanded to include more things, tangible and intangible. At that time, I set this goal -- that at the start of 2003 I want to be able to count my health as one of my assets.

That's a big goal. In the last months, I've been focused on learning how to eat in a healthy way, but I really haven't expanded much beyond that. My level of exercise, for example, is minimal, enough that I feel good, but not enough that I'm really getting in shape. Now, with all of these area, I have another guideline -- I want to make changes that I can live with forever. This isn't a short term project, this is finding a new way to live through each day. I could develop an agressive exercise program, but that isn't what my goal is about. I really need to shake up this part of my life, to really become a MORE ACTIVE PERSON. Not temporarily, but permanently. I want to feel like I'm living inside a well tuned physical machine, with muscles and flexibility and endurance I can count on.

As I sit here tonight, I'm not sure what form this will take, and I'm not sure I can see that far into the future, anyway. Eventually, as I reach my body's ideal weght, I may find I take up an exercise hobby, something recreational that I do regularly. I don't want to just start hanging out in a gym, either. I want to MOVE and DO SOMETHING. The difference for me between walking on a treadmill and moving through my neighborhood is night and day. I want to be in the neighborhood, having the scenery change, taking in the horizon, and getting fresh air. I may take up tennis, or golf, or mountain biking... at this point I have no idea. But for today, for this week, I want to start to connect with the inside of my body.

Honey Dijon Lamp Chops
Adapted from Two's Company by Weight Watchers magazine.

Ingredients:
2 tbs chopped fresh rosemary (or 1 tbs dried)
2 tbs chopped fresh mint (or 1 tbs dried)
2 tbs dijon mustard
4 tsp honey
1/2 tsp lemon pepper
4 (4 oz) lean lamp chops

Directions:
1. Set oven for broil.
2. Combine rosemary, mint, mustard, honey and pepper in a small bowl, mix well.
3. Prepare the lamp chops by trimming all fat.
4. Place chops on a broiler pan, broil for 5 minutes on each side.
5. Remove chops from oven. Brush both sides with mustard mixture.
6. Broil for 2 minutes on each side.

TIP: This would also work outside with the grill

Serves: 2 (2 chops)
Points: 7

Week 13
Lucky Numbers

0 - the number of people who have mentioned that I look thinner (I'm hoping that will happen later)
1 - the number of pounds until I reach my 10% goal
2 - the number of weeks I have missed my meeting
3 - the number of pounds I lost last week
4 - the number of servings I get from a pint of lemon sorbet
5 - the largest single week loss (my first week, of course)
6 - the number of issues of The Skinny I've written to date
7 - the number of points per serving of my favorite, Sloppy Joes
8 - the number of everything that goes into my mouth (8=eight=ate, get it? bad joke)
9 - the number of yummy recipes I've shared here
10 - the number of top reasons I started to change my life (written like a top ten list from David Letterman)
13 - the number of weeks since I started to change my life

Week 12
Grocery Planning

I have been chronically busy the last several weeks [months?], and because of this, I'm looking for ways to streamline the rather disjointed processes of meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. Currently, I sit down with my recipe books and find new things to fix. When I find a new recipe, I fill out a recipe card for my recipe box. When it's time to go to the grocery, I sit down with my cards and select what I want to eat, checking the fridge and cupboards, and making up a list. I also add to that list anything that I ran out of during the week. Then, when I'm ready to cook, I pull out the cards and use them while cooking. They have started to get wet, wrinkled and have some food spots on them.

Here are the things I want to fix:
-- It takes a long time to handwrite out the recipes. Typing would be faster.
-- I really want a way to have the computer generate a shopping list from the recipes I select, but I need a way to add other items as well.
-- I would like a sort of recipe card cookbook, where the pages have plastic covers, so the book will stay open, and the cards stay clean.
-- Being able to see the whole recipe without having to flip the card over and over would be fabulous.

So, with these in mind, I started looking for solutions.

First, I started shopping for new recipe cards. I really don't like the designs of any I saw. And this only perpetuates my current system, anyway.

Second, I thought that I would start typing my recipes into Microsoft Publisher, adding my own pictures to the front to give myself a customized card collection. I setup the recipe page in Publisher so everything can be seen on one side, and started shopping for page protectors and a small three ring notebook. While this setup seems like it will work nicely, it doesn't solve the grocery list issue.

Third, I started looking at shareware and other programs designed for recipe books, and was delighted to discover that many of them do create grocery lists. I downloaded two programs, and I'm auditioning them now. While I love the way they work, I hate the way my recipes would print out. I also hate the way the grocery list prints, with items in alphabetical order. I've developed a format for the list that makes it so easy at the grocery by organizing things into departments such as produce, meats, frozen, packaged, etc.

So, today, as I'm going through my manual grocery planning process, I'm starting to think that I will create a hybrid solution. Starting next week, I will give this a try.
1. Locate new recipes and type them into the computer [either the recipe program or Publisher, not sure yet which].
2. Copy and paste the recipe into the other program.
3. Print the new recipes from Publisher for my cookbook.
3. Use the recipe program to pull together the grocery list.
4. With the grocery list on the screen, write down the grocery list into my own form, removing items that I have and adding additional missing items.

It still is going to be a bit kludgy, but there are several advantages:
-- I will have the best recipe cookbook possible, protecting cards from messes and being able to reprint them if needed.
-- I can instantly have a compiled ingredients list to use to make my grocery list.
-- I can use the shopping list format that has proven to be quite helpful.

It seems funny to me that such a small thing, grocery shopping, has become such a large issue that I need to spend time working it out. But I'm determined to really change my lifestyle, and my new lifestyle involves much more cooking than my old one. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to smooth out the wrinkles in my new lifestyle so it is easy to maintain. This process is very important to my lifestyle, and so it is worth the efforts I'm making.

Week 12
Small Bits of Exercise Do Count

I've just found a very interesting article from the Los Angeles Times that explains how expending just a little bit of extra energy throughout the day adds up to exercise. At the same time, finding ways to shortcut those little things, like taking the elevator instead of stairs, contributes to a weigh gain each year, assuming that you would eat the same anyway.

According to this article, making the effort to do just a bit more really does count. It's got me thinking about my daily living, and what I'm doing to keep myself active these days, apart from my planned walking excursions.

-- When I visit my client, they are located on the second floor, and I walk up and down the stairs instead of using the elevator.
-- When I go shopping, I park between the stores and walk from one to the other. At my favorite shopping center, Desert Ridge, I park at one end, walk to the far end, and then shop my way back to my truck.
-- My condo has an upstairs, and I'm always trotting up and down the stairs

Now that I've read this, I'm going to be looking for small ways to raise my activity level throughout the day. In fact, I may look into getting one of those pedometers to track my movement level.

Week 12
Sorting Out Too Big Clothes

I spent some time this afternoon cleaning out my closet, sorting my clothes. This is the time of year to put away the warm stuff for next winter, but since most of it is baggy now, I've been doing some sorting as well. I have put aside about one tub of things that I know will be too big next year, but for sweatshirts and thermal underwear and flannel nighshirts, that won't be so bad. Better to have something too big to wear than nothing, I figure. If they are uncomfortable in the fall, I'll replace them then. I also went through some of the summer things, and I sorted out many things that fit now but won't in a couple more months, things that I'm ready to release. I made a big stack of the best things, and I'm going to see if Michelle wants them. I'd rather give them to her than St. Vincent de Paul, and that is where the rest is going, hopefully before the weekend.

It feels SO GREAT to be sorting out clothes that are too big. I found lots of things in my closet that I had forgotten about, things that have been too small for a while, but things that I love too much to get rid of. I didn't try them on, but they should be fitting about now! I'm excited to be getting back into them, and having them to wear as the summer starts. I was thinking today that in about three more months, I should be at this place again, of needing to sort out things that are too big. I'm really going to have empty closets when this process is done! And I'm looking forward to only having clothes that fit me, instead of having a whole range of sizes. I suspect that I will have a couple sizes even when I'm done, but nothing like the size range I have today.

It has been fun shopping for my two new dresses. I wrote earlier about buying the first one, and I picked up an identical one in a different color over the weekend. I'm hoping to be wearing them in another month, and for now, they are hanging up in the laundry area at the end of my kitchen. I know that I'm going to have lots of fun shopping for things, especially since I like shopping in the clearance racks of the department stores, and I like Target clothes. It's going to be fun. I'm excited.

I've been thinking the last couple of days that I might be ready to retake the red towel pictures. I'm only one pound from when I had planned to do it, so maybe this weekend! If not then, sometime very soon!

Week 12
Feeling Terrific Today

I'VE LOST 3 MORE POUNDS -- TOTAL OF 26 NOW!

I have reached the 25 pound mark, and am only one pound away from my 10% goal! I'll probably reach that next week.

Week 12
WOW -- THREE MONTHS

I can't believe it has been three months now! In some ways, it seems like a million years ago because everything is so comfortable and so easy. In other ways, it seems like just yesterday that I was downstairs figuring out how to take the towel picture. This has been one of the most productive times in my life, because not only have I been extremely busy with work, I've been just as busy taking care of my daily life and myself. I'm really living in a different way, and by some measurements, I've completely succeeded at my goal to create a healthy new lifestyle. I'm still tweaking the elements, and I'm still working on improving my overall health, but I've really accomplished what I set out to do! This calls for a celebration.

In the last three months, I've been surprised at how easy part of this change have been. I've really had little struggle over what to put in my mouth. I've been proactive on that front, seeking out new recipes, and filling my house with good stuff to eat. The munchies have struck a few times. I've eaten more homecooked meals than usual, and I like that. I've also eaten much less fast food, and much less restaurant food, and I like that, also. I've measured nearly every bite that has gone into my mouth, measured portions going into cooking, and calculated points from a hundred or more nutrition labels.

In general, here is what I've learned from this time:
-- When I am ready to make a change, when I have good reasons to make a change, the motivation is strong and the effort is easy.
-- Once I had the courage to tell myself the truth about my life, it was easy to be that honest with everyone. I was proud of myself for having the courage to post the towel picture, but the real courage was being willing to take that picture.
-- My old ideas about foods I don't care for as gone out the window. I'm much more open to trying foods and food combinations that before, and I'm eager to experiment with new recipes.
-- The right tools make every job easier. I have a whole set of measuring cups and spoons that I keep by the stove, and they are washed about every day, sometimes more than once a day. I have a huge set of the Glad food storage containers so it is easy to portion out food for saving. I've got my points calculator, journal, a marking pen, and other supplies handy as well.
-- Taking care of myself means taking care of the whole process. It means making time to come up with a grocery list, making time to go to the grocery, making time to measure, making time to cook, and making time to eat slowly and enjoy every bite. The times when I have had challenges were times when I let the groceries get so low that there was nothing in the house to eat.
-- I am still committed to finding a sensible and comprehensive way to measure healthy lifestyle success. It does not come from the scales! I'm still looking to find something that can meaure my lifestyle elements, my weight, my physical size, and my mental outlook. Maybe there isn't going to be one overall thing I can track to see how I'm doing. Maybe I'm going to have to use a couple of things. But I'm still determined to figure this out.
-- There are some really wonderful foods out there that I like and that are good for me!
-- I really do like cooking and changing recipes to make them my own. I've never considered myself a cook before, and while I'm not a gourmet, I'm turning out to be a pretty darn good cook.
-- There is a strong bond between food and emotions for me. Some of this I've figured out, and some of it still baffles me.
-- There is something very freeing about living with a wide open future, about accepting a bit of chaos and uncertainty into my life. I'm starting to really like the idea that my future is around a curve, that it's not just a straight line between here and there any more. I can't predict much about the physical changes in my life over the next year, and that has spread over to not wanting to predict other areas of my life. Maybe I will really write a new page in the future!

Wek 11
In-N-Out Burger!

One of my great discoveries in Southern California was In-N-Out Burger, which suddenly became my favorite fast food about three years ago. I know where most of them are located along the highway exits that I travel between Phoenix and Orange County. About a year ago, the first one came to Arizona, and people went bananas. The lines for the drive thru were like an hour long! Yes, I was one of the crazy people in those lines, but I discovered that waiting until about 9:30 PM meant the line might only be 15 minutes. I'm not patient enough to wait much longer than that.

At my new favorite shopping center, Desert Ridge Marketplace, an In-N-Out Burger opened about a month ago. As I was finishing up my shopping, I was thinking about what I wanted for dinner, when I spotted the restaurant, and realized that the line was really short, like 4 cars long! In an instant, I decided that I would plunge in and have my favorite fast food for dinner tonight. They aren't listed in my Dining Out guide, so I used the Big Mac for comparison, and subtracted two points. I don't know if that is accurate, but it seems right to me at the time.

I'm just under my points for the day, and yet, it feels like I've splurged!

Week 11
Feeling Very Sexy Tonight

Today was a fun eating day. I started my morning with my usual, a Balance Bar, and then was out running errands over lunch. I decided to stop at Rubio's and eat some fresh Mexican. I used to eat at Rubio's a few years back, when I lived near one, and while my bro was here, we stopped a couple of times. I had a chicken burro, eliminating the high fat stuff inside, and I ate about half of it. It was yummy! I added some of their hot hot salsa, and had a regular size fountain Coke with it. More points than I usually have for lunch, but it was a nice change.

I'm just now getting hungry for my dinner, so I've got leftovers warming up in the oven while I'm writing. By the time it comes out, it will be time to watch my Friday night routine, back-to-back episodes of Sex and the City. Overall, a great day from every aspect.

I almost forgot to tell you... I bought a new dress today in a smaller size! It is a fabulous red sheath dress with an overdress that is split up the sides to the arm pits, connected by two thin strips across the bust. The overdress is a red floral print, sort of see thru, so the red dress underneath shows through. It is two sizes smaller than before, and I didn't try it on... I just bought it. When I got home, I decided to see how far it is from fitting. Shock of shocks, it fits NOW. It's a bit too snug to be comfortable, but it FIT. I feel like a cross between a princess, a fashion model, and an escort in it. I am going to try it on again in a month, and I expect that I will wear it a lot this summer! It will hang nicely even when it is too big! Maybe I'll even take some pics in it when I redo the red towel pics, which should be in about a month.

Week 11
Sharing My Rice Pudding

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. But it is the end of the day and I have 6 points left. I had 8 points left yesterday. So it seems that after a few days of wanting to overeat, I'm in a cycle of not being very hungry. It's a strange thing. I have found that when I'm wanting more, having a bit of a craving, that a bite of something sweet soothes me. That is why I've been looking for bite sized desserts, nothing big. I don't want to have a huge pie or cake sitting around, because I will hate throwing most of it out, and that is what SHOULD happen. I like having just a 1/2 cup of rice pudding or sorbet in the evening, it just adds a bit of sweetness and treat to my food plan.

Tonight, I had rice pudding (and yes, I still have points left!) that I had to share with my cat. He always wants some when I serve it up, so I had already given him a spoonful. (I'm afraid that some vet is going to read this story and write me a nasty email about why rice pudding isn't good for my poor cat now!) I brought the rest upstairs and slowly was enjoying it, a baby spoon full at a time. That is, until the cat came upstairs and realized that I had more! I gave him another spoonful, and in the end, he licked out the serving bowl. But the look on his face when he realized what I was eating was priceless. I wish I could have captured it with my camera. (He is at a perfect weight, so don't anyone out there worry about my cat, ok? He's just a bit spoilt.)

Week 11
Stocking Up & Looking Forward

Tonight, I made another batch of the Sloppy Joe recipe that I love so much. It turned out wonderful, and I have four containers (each with double batches) in the freezer for future meals. I had it for dinner tonight, and I think I like this more than any other food I've discovered.

I was out in a store tonight that had clothes, and I casually looked around in the smaller sizes. There are such good deals on sweaters and winter clothes right now. If I only knew what size to get, I could actually save some money have have things to wear next winter. I'm guessing that a large would be good, and I don't think it will be too big. My goodness, it is possible I'm going to get down into a medium size? It's a bit surprising to try to guess what I might look like in a year, and what size clothes I might wear. It's good to have the future be so unknown... it really helps me to feel that I'm on an adventure, that I'm breaking out of my routines, and that I'm headed somewhere new. I don't even know what styles or cuts will look good then.

In the end, I decided that I would wait until I need smaller winter clothes to purchase any. It means that I will be buying new clothes A LOT during the next year, which means spending some money. Because of my casual lifestyle, and limited need for work clothes, I can outfit myself from stores like Target during the transition, and I can buy some nice things once I reach the end of the line.

I have a lot of fun to look forward to!

Week 11
In Between The Grooves

I'VE LOST 23 POUNDS!

For the last several weeks, I've been cooking large batches of things and freezing them for easy access through the days that follow. The last couple of days, I have run out of all of these things, and I haven't had the time to restock the freezer with my own cooking. So meal times, I find myself having to think a bit about what I want to have for dinner.

Some things, like my favorite tuna salad sandwich, only take 5 minutes to make, and let me have a really quick lunch that I love to eat, and is great for me. The tuna noodle caserole takes a while to make, but can be warmed up in the microwave for 30 seconds, giving me several really quick meals, also. My other freezer favorite, sloppy joes, take about 5 minutes to warm up in a pan while I add the extra ingredients. I really love having these things so readily available.

Over the last weeks, I've tried some new things that I've also liked. I noticed that I'm usually only fixing a main item, no side dishes, so I focused on side dishes for a while. I have made the most wonderful cubed potatoes, and I will post that recipe later. I've got another recipe for something like a "blooming onion" that is baked instead of fried, so it is very low points, and I'm eager to try it. The surprising thing about these two, and most of the other sides that I looked at, they require a lot of oven time, almost an hour. I can start those things before I start cooking dinner, and I suppose I'll get into a groove with them, but I just haven't yet. I'm still swamped with work these days, long after I thought things were going to lighten up a bit.

So here I sit, realizing that I've been in a groove with food, a nice groove, but still a groove. And now I'm not. It doesn't feel like starting over, but there is more sense of "what do I do next" than I've felt in several weeks. Even though I feel short of time, I want to take advantage of this feeling, the little bit of chaos it introduces into my daily life, and branch out a bit. Try new things. Experiment more. Be daring.

Week 11
Cleaning, Cooking & Taking Care of Myself

WOW. I love Sundays because I get to update the week count. It's been almost 3 months since I started, and I feel great about what I've accomplished in changing my lifestyle. I've learned a lot more about food and eating, and learned to cook some new foods that I really love. I'm also thrilled with my physical changes. My clothes are so baggy, and I'm wearing jeans that had been too small for a whole year! I've been through tough times, smooth times, and I've come to see that small setbacks are just that, small. I can start over in a minute and put myself right back on track. I'm very happy with the changes in my life.

Today is a busy day. I took off yesterday for some fun projects, and now today, I've both work and housework to get caught up on. The housework has been sliding for a while, and after Tuesday night's disaster, I have not worked so hard on it this week. But it's a new day, I feel freshed, and I'm ready, emotionally, physically, and mentally, to attack the things on my schedule. It feels good.

I've blocked off time for various tasks. I've given myself one hour to be online, catch up on email, update my journals, and read the news. Then, I've got one hour to attack the housework downstairs, which means the laundry, the mail, the kitchen and cleaning up from my Saturday evening projects. Next, I've given myself 4 hours to work on a client projects. After that, there is one hour of down time, fixing dinner, eating leisurely, and watching something on TV. Then, two more hours of client work. After that, I will just kick back and do whatever I feel like doing.

When I block out time like this, I use my kitchen timer to keep me honest. I carry it with me, room to room, and listen to it clicking away the seconds. When I really get into something, I lose track of time and forget to watch the clock. This way, I get interrupted from my task at hand, but stay on track with my overall goals for the day. It really works for me, but my cat, Skooch, doesn't understand that I can't pet him right now because the timer is going. Well, no plan is perfect.

A Surprising Idea

I said I was open to new ideas about processing my anger. Well, I got one today. I took a long lunch break and decided it was time to clean up downstairs. When I clean, I use a lot of techniques, more than just dusting and vacuuming. I use a technique called smudging using sage to use smoke to clear the room. It's a bit like the use of incense in some church services. I like to use the smoke after an argument, or after an angry outburst like I had this week. So, while I pulled out the vacuum and the cleaning cloths, I also pulled out my sage. While I was smudging the room, I got the idea that it was time to clean out the cubby hole under the steps. It's a sort of catch-all space for me, with my suitcase, some blankets, rolls of wrapping paper, and two boxes of things that belong to someone I used to date. I pulled everything out, and while I was doing it, I found myself getting quite angry. But this time, I was able to catch myself, and say "How interesting, I'm getting angry while I'm doing this... what is this really about?" I vacuumed the floor and started returning most of the things, make a more organized stack than before.

I thought this was an interesting idea, and an interesting space in my house. It holds things that either get very little use, or in the case of the boxes, things I'm not sure what to do with. I walk past these things every day, and I walk over them every time I use the stairs, and yet they remain ignored in my daily living, not invisible, but ignored. The area is dusted and cleaned, and some of the things have been put away in other spots of the house where they belong.

I wonder how many more of these little "blisters" of space I will find throughout my house?

One issue that I know is connected to weight is packratting things away. In one sense, that is what happens with food, it gets packratted on my body as fat. I'm not a neat freak, but I do make an effort to minimize the clutter in my space, although I do have more STUFF than most people. I'm working on reducing the amount of it, a sort of clutter diet, if you will.

I feel better now. The living room is much neater, and I feel like I've tackled something that has been on my to-do list for a long time. I still need to decide what to do with the boxes, since shipping them to Europe isn't an expense I'm willing to take on, and yet, I don't feel that I can throw them away. I haven't known what to do with this stuff for a long time, but maybe I can figure out what to do by 1 May and do it. That feels like an option.

Week 10
Picking Myself Back Up

I would be less than honest if I didn't write here about how I'm feeling about all of the anger that exploded the other night. It scared me a bit, and it surprised me a lot, and it has got me thinking about the emotional component of my weight. I've also been looking more closely at how I've been living the last 10 weeks, and I'm seeing that my new healthy lifestyle needs some adjustments to become really healthy.

Getting Enough Sleep

The last two mornings, I've hit the snooze quite a few times, waiting until I feel more rested before getting up. I've been getting 4 to 6 hours of sleep a night for weeks, actually months, and then crashing about one a week, sleeping 12 hours or so. That isn't healthy. I need to allow myself to sleep a bit longer each night so I'm not accumulating sleep deprivation throughout the week. If I make sure my body is getting rest every night, I will have more resources to live my days. I'm sure there will still be plenty of short nights, but I don't want them to continue to be the routine. I am thinking about permanently moving my wake up time from 4:30 am to about 6 am to give me the extra time. If I can get to sleep by 10 pm, I will have plenty of time to sleep, and may actually wake up before the alarm. That would be good, also.

Processing Anger


I'm not sure yet what to do about all of the anger that shows up in my life. I really believe in staying focused on the positive feelings inside of me, keeping myself in a good space, rather than treading water through the murky waters of negative emotions. I'm willing to walk straight into those murky waters if that will help me to unattach them to my soul. I'm waiting for some inner guidance about what to do with this area. I'm willing to do whatever seems like the best course of action. That's as far as I can take that area right now.

One that that does feel critical -- I must have the time to write here and in my journal every day, a couple times a day if needed. This outlet for my feelings really helps me. It lets me organize my thoughts and feelings, explore them deeper, and get them out of my head. This writing is a critical component of my plan, and no matter what happens in my day, I have to allow myself the time to write about what is going on.

Meetings

I missed my meeting this week, and on Thursday morning, I decided to wait until my regular Monday morning meeting. For the last few weeks, I've only gone to meetings every other week. Maybe that is a good thing for me. I am going to stay in Weight Watchers (I had considered stopping after two months, after I figured out the program) and I'm planning to attend my usual Monday morning meeting. Wednesday morning will be my backup meeting time. With my work schedule the way it looks over the next few months, there should be no interruptions to this schedule.

Food

Food wise, I think I'm doing great. I've found some new favorite things to eat, I'm in the habit of trying new things all of the time, and I have plenty of good stuff in the house to eat. I have to build going into the grocery into my schedule, also. I can't let it drag out like it has the last couple of weeks. Maybe I should try adding it to the Monday afternoon, stopping at the grocery on my way home from the meeting. I've developed a format for my grocery list, and as soon as I get my printer back, I'm going to print up a weekly shopping list and keep one on the fridge so I can write down things I notice I'm running out of. This will help with the process, also. I'm going to rethink adding this to Monday afternoon, since that takes away a lot of working time during regular business hours. That might not be such a good idea, but I'll see what happens.

The only thing missing from my house -- little food treats. The last few days, I have wanted just a bite of something sweet, and there hasn't been anything like that around. Part of reason is that the grocery was out of the fruit sorbet I usually buy, so I hadn't had anything like that. I'm not sure what this solution looks like, but I need to provide myself with some safe dessert options, something that is 1 or 2 points. I've avoided the whole dessert thing, except for the sorbet. Maybe I should try some of those bite sized cheesecakes? I'll check them out my next grocery trip.

I think that covers everything that I've been thinking. It seems like a solid plan. Oh, one more thing. I feel better the days that I get some extended walking, and I sleep better. I'm thinking about adding a 20 minute walk to my daily wind down time, maybe an hour or so before bed, something that will help me to work off steam, move around a bit, and get me sleepy and tired before bed. This needs some more thought, and some experiments.

What I'm Grateful For

After writing about (and reliving) last night's emotional blow-out, I feel the need to reconnect with what is good in my life. Here is a short list of the things I'm grateful for right at this moment:

-- My health
-- Having work that challenges me and provides me with a good income
-- Sharing my home with my cat, who allows me to serve him daily
-- Friends I can talk to about anything without worrying what they will think of me
-- The ability to express what I'm feeling in writing so I don't have to remember everything inside my head
-- The wonderful progress I'm making to change my lifestyle
-- The people who have signed up to receive my newsletter, The Skinny
-- The warm breezes wafting through my upstairs this afternoon
-- Having a DSL connection to the Internet
-- Having a fridge full of good food
-- Having my truck paid for
-- Being aware of my journey, even when it isn't exactly fun
-- HGTV
-- Having my home full of things I've made, painted, refinished, recovered and made over to fit my style
-- Having a fireplace and plenty of firewood
-- Clients who appreciate my work and thank me when I deliver things
-- Caller ID
-- My digital camera, and the wonderful collection of pictures I've taken with it
-- Having a yellow bedroom that makes me feel good all day long, every time I walk into it
-- My herb garden in pots on the patio
-- Cookbooks and recipe cards full of tasty, nutritious foods to try
-- Cheesecake!
-- The growth of the eucalyptus tree outside my office
-- My wacky sense of humor that keeps me laughing even when no one else is laughing

Week 10
Why Am I So Angry?

Yesterday was quite interesting. I spent some time going through new recipes, and pulled together a shorter grocery list than usual, shorter because my driveway is being paved and I have to park about a block away. I wanted to be able to carry everything in one trip. The grocery trip went well, and I found everything at this new store. This was my second or third trip there, and I do like it. It's closer than my usual grocery, and the smaller size seems to mean less walking instead of less selection, because I've found everything I wanted so far. As usual, about 1/3 of my groceries were produce, and I bought more oranges this time because they were on sale. I even got great advice from the produce guy about which potatoes to use for one new recipe. I was surprised, really, at how helpful he was. I learned a lot about potatoes.

I got home, and my kitchen was in order. I filled it up with groceries spread out to be put away, and started sorting out laundry at the same time. Once the freezer and fridge things were put away, I started the first load of laundry. This is one of the joys of a galley kitchen/laundry room combo. In fact, it is the only joy that I can see. I decided to make my favorite Tuna Noodle Casserole, and so in the midst of laundry and putting away the rest of the groceries, I started cooking, too. Maybe I should have known this was a recipe for disaster, but I plunged happily into it, glad to be in the kitchen, glad to be taking care of my mundane life.

Quiet Evening Goes Wrong

The first sign of trouble was this intense frustration I felt when I realized that I didn't have any counter space left. The Tuna Noodle recipe is pot and bowl intensive, and is actually more work than a lot of recipes. I generally get everything out and cut and ready, and then light the stove and the oven. Somehow, I forgot that I had to cook the noodles at the start, so the next sign of trouble was my anger when I realized that I still had to cook the noodles, and it was almost the end of the cooking stage. I started looking for places to set things already on the stove, and since I had already run out of counter space, this was a disaster. But the real disaster had yet to strike. About this time, I step on wet clothes on the floor, and realize that water is coming out of the dishwasher! Clothes and food boxes everywhere are wet. At this, I really lost it. I started sobbing, and then in a rage of frustration, I started screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to expel the anger in the quickest form. All the while, crying, trying to salvage the items on the floor, trying to move things off the stove, and trying to finish cooking. At this point, it was way too much. But I didn't stop. I kept taking deep breaths, mostly between screams, and through sobs I made a plan to resolve everything and clean up this disaster around me.

About this time, I hear a knock at my door, a neighbor checking to see if I'm OK. Oh my gawd, I was instantly embarrassed and humiliated to realize that someone else knew about my angry meltdown. Sobbing so hard I can't speak, I crack open the door and try to say that I'm fine, and thank her for checking on me. It was a kind thing to do, especially considering this is the neighbor who hates me. I said I was OK, but was I really? I still sobbed uncontrollably for probably 30 minutes, but my plan was moving forward, and soon I had order restored in the kitchen. And my dinner went into the oven, minus the broccoli which I found about 5 minutes later, but that is ok. I've got the dishes cleaned, the worst of the wet mess on the floor done, and I fall, exhausted, into the couch to pet the cat and calm myself. I ache inside, and I try to comfort myself with my thoughts, relaxing a bit, and letting go of my embarrassment. It doesn't serve any purpose.

Asking Big Questions

If you have just read this, you may be thinking that I sound like a scary wacko. I've spent some time since then, asking myself if it is possible that I'm really crazy and haven't realized it. I really believe that I'm quite sane, generally, but that I experienced a huge trauma last night, something that brought out craziness in a normally sane person. I have flaws, I have character strengths. I have things I'm working through in my life, things I'm aware of, and I'm sure I have things I'm not aware of, and things I'm in denial about, but I can't really give you a list of those. I'm in the early stages of menopause, which I'm sure is a factor in the raging aspect of my emotions. But the thing I remember most about last night was the sense that I was watching myself act out, and was somehow frozen in place, unable to think clearly or stop myself. It is that part of me that observes my life that lets me know that I'm sane, that even though such an event, I have an anchor in something solid.

I have been asking myself lots of questions since then, lots of big questions, and starting to find some answers. Am I crazy? No. Why am I so angry? Don't know. What could I have done to avoid that disaster last night? Try taking on less at one time. What is wrong with my life that I'm so frazzled? Try working less, having more balance. Why am I feeling so sad lately? It's time to make some more changes in my life.

Getting To The Heart

No doubt, my weight program is at the heart of the emotions I'm feeling lately. There are many reasons why I've put on this weight, and many reasons why I've kept it on all of these years. I consider myself a practical person. These issues are like a big, tangled ball of yarn, and rather than spend time NOW working through the past, I'm more likely to just say "OK, from where I stand today, what can I do to improve this" rather than spend time trying to untangle the mess, or trying to understand the factors that got me here. In a way, I see that kind of untangling as a way of assigning blame, and I'm not about blame. I'm about solutions. I'm about fixing things that don't work. But my feelings and behavior over the last couple of weeks has shown me that there are some issues here that are swelling up and flooding my lawn, things that I have to deal with. Lots of anger, and behind that anger? I'm not sure. I do believe that it is important to my healthy lifestyle success for me to get to the heart of what I'm angry about, and releasing it from my life.

For today, I'm admitting that anger is a big issue in my eating, and in establishing my healthy lifestyle. I'm not sure of much else, but I'm open to learning more about it, and learning how I can release it so I can live a happy, healthy life. I trust that I will discover more information about this, and learn how to handle it just by being open to finding the solution. I'm open. I'm waiting to discover the solution. I believe the solution will find me.

Week 10
Out Of Groceries, Still
It's almost 9 PM and I've just finished my work towards my deadline. I've felt crappy all day, and had to keep my nose to the grindstone. I'm too tired now to hit the grocery. I've got a client meeting in the morning, another conference call in the afternoon. MAYBE I'll make it to the grocery before dinner. Crossing my fingers.

But it is amazing to me that I've gotten so used to good food over the last two months or so. That is a good sign. And I just want to weigh in, and find out how I did last week, so I feel like I'm into the new week already. I like the Monday weigh-ins. Wednesday morning will come soon enough!

So this is a good feeling overall. I can feel how much I miss my food and my routine. HURRAH! The lifestyle change has started to take hold!

Week 10
Sloppy Food Day

And no, I don't mean I had my favorite sloppy joes. I have been working since I got up this morning, except for taking my bro to the airport. I did take a dinner break, but have done all of my so-called-meals at my desk. To make matters worse, I'm nearly out of groceries. Considering all of that, and considering that I've been over points all week, I've done quite well today. No breakfast bars, but I did have half a peanut butter sandwich (I needed the protien). I had a full sandwich for lunch. And I had two slices of frozen pizza for dinner. Two Cokes today. Points wise, I'm OK, but quality of food wise, it sucked. Once I meet this deadline tomorrow, I'm off for the grocery to stock up for about three days worth of food... long story, but my driveway and street is being paved and I have to park about a block away, so I don't want to carry more than one load in until Friday, the day the driveway reopens.

I can't wait to have real fruit again, Balance bars, and my usual great food variety. Because of this deadline, I won't make it to weigh in until Wednesday. I'm going to accept whatever the news is this week, and just know that I'm back on schedule already.

If you are waiting for the next issue of The Skinny, it will be out after the deadline. Early this week.

Week 9
Total Splurge

I was really bad last night. I took my out of town company to a 50s style diner called Ed Debevicks. It's not my favorite place, but it is a lot of fun. The food is all diner style, so I selected an all beef hotdog with beef chili, no cheese. I only ate half of the meat, and about 1/4 of the bun. It was good, but not really the kind of thing I normally eat. I even ordered a salad instead of fries, because I knew if I had fries, I'll eat a few of them. So instead, I nibbled on the salad. I can't say I really ATE it, but about 1/4 of it was gone. And no dressing!

But I love vanilla shakes, and these guys have the best. So I ordered one, and I did drink about half of it. It was wonderful. I really could have stopped after the first couple of sips, but I drank more than that just because I wanted it. I have no idea how many points I drank in that shake, but I'm sure I blew the whole day with it, and I really didn't have any banked points to cover me.

Today is their last day in town, and overall, it has been easier to eat close to the target, easier than I expected. And I've stayed closer to the target than I thought might happen. I don't know if I still have lost even one ounce this week, but even if I have a slight gain, I will consider this week a great success considering all of the obstacles I've faced, and the efforts I've taken to really keep good options in front of me. I'll know on Monday.

I also purchased some beads yesterday to make myself a necklace. This is my treat for my 20 pound success. It has real gemstones and some crystals. I do need to collect some more items for it, but I'm excited to see the direction this is going. The colors are green and blue, and I'm excited to have some time to really design it and pull it together.

I also have decided that when I reach my 10% goal, I'm going to either purchase or make myself a potting bench. Target has one that is OK, but the price is a bit high. I may purchase the plans to build one instead, or come up with my own plans. I think I can make a really nice one for under 2/3 of Target's price. I've wanted one for so long, and I'm using this milestone as my excuse to purchase it. I'm starting to have fun with my rewards!

Week 9
Back on Track

I knew last night that today would be better. I didn't have to eat in a restaurant all day today. I had my usual breakfast, a sloppy joe lunch, and a late dinner at home. It feels good to be back on schedule today. Tomorrow is more meals out, two of them I'm sure. The same for Saturday. But I'm making it through this, and I'm doing great.

I had a really tough emotional day, and I'm pleased to report that I never once even though of reaching for a comfort food. As I'm thinking about it now, it seems that I've broken that habit. That is something else to be grateful for.

My brother told me yesterday that they could tell how much weight I've lost when they first saw me at the airport. I'm pleased and surprised. I see the differences, and I'm seeing more of them all of the time. I see a huge difference in my back now, the puffiness is gone. In just a couple of weeks it will be time to redo the towel pics, and I am excited to see the comparison in the pictures.

Discrimination Cases
Two women are fighting to be given the right to hold jobs based on their abilities and not their body size.

Week 9
Tough Day, Tough Choices

I knew this was going to happen. I tried to be prepared so I could minimize the impact. But today, I had all of my meals in restaurants. And yes, I managed to avoid McDonalds! Because of the amount of driving we had to do today, I didn't have time this morning to make a lunch to pack. I had my regular bar for breakfast, but like so many mornings, it didn't hold me all the way to lunch. I ended up eating with my family at restaurants for my meals, including lunch, a late afternoon snack/light dinner, and a light late dinner. I made the best choices I could in each situation. I had no way to know or even really guess the points I was eating, even with the dining out guide.

The only real splurges -- I had a piece of bruchetta with dinner, and I had three bites of a cheescake desert that we shared. I was proud of how well I managed that one. I didn't deny myself, but I didn't go overboard. It was wonderful and melted in my mouth. I could eat three bites of cheesecake and consider that a whole desert any time. In fact, for the whole day, I didn't overeat in terms of the amount of food, and I made fresh fruit and vegetable choices, and avoid all fried foods. If I end up not losing this week, or even gaining, I am not upset with myself. I'm doing very well. Tomorrow, I will have more control over my meals, and I will eat my own food for two meals. I will be right back on track with points tomorrow, so the impact may be minimal.

Week 9
My Defense Against McWeight Watchers

It is almot time to pick up my brother and sister-in-law for their visit, and I've prepared myself for the onslaught of McWeight Watchers. I am packing us a lunch of tuna sandwiches using my latest and greatest gourmet tuna recipe.

Gourmet Tuna Sandwich

Ingredients:
1/4 c tuna in spring water, well drained
1 tsp light mayonaise (I use Trader Joe lemon flavored)
1 tsp dijon mustard
1 tsp dill relish
1 to 2 tbs minched red onion (or any kind of onion) more to taste
1 tsp finely chopped fresh parsley
3 tbs finely chopped celery
dash of pepper (I use lemon pepper)
very small pinch of dried thyme
1 english muffin (I use wheat)

Directions:
1. Mix ingredients together, making sure that the liquids get distributed through the tuna.
2. Serve on an english muffin, lettuce leaf optional.

Serves: 1 Points (not counting bread): 2 Points with muffin: 4

I make this point smart by reducing the amount of mayo and adding other liquids. I love lemon, so having lemon mayo and lemon pepper really adds punch to it. If you don't like fresh parsley, you can omit that ingredient. And even if you like it, remember that a tiny bit goes a long way. I love the way this mixture looks, with the red onions, green parsley and light green celery showing up in the mix.

If you like your tuna with more of a traditional taste, try my recipe for Crunchy Tuna Salad.

Warning About Over-The-Counter Miracle Diet Products In Canada
Articles like this remind me over and over again how important it is for me to stay focused on lifestyle changes and not weight loss results. My progress has been very good and quite quick, so I'm not complaining. But the prospect of losing 1 pound a week, and this process dragging on months and months and months... I can understand why the quick fixes are so tempting. If you are thinking about doing something quick -- stop and think before you do it.

Week 9

21.4 POUNDS!!!

I'm more than a little excited. I've reach my 20 pound milestone, and I'm just a couple of weeks from reaching my 10% goal. This success, along with how great I'm feeling, makes me want to buckle in all over again. I'm not cheating anywhere, but I really want to go back to the basics and make sure I'm doing as good a job as I can in every area. Water is one of my weaknesses, which is surprising because of the amount of water I used to drink. I'm sure I'll get that figured out, too.

My company arrives tomorrow around lunch time, so I've got about 24 hours to get ready for them, including a trip to the grocery. I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to do this week, but I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go. I'm going to be very good with my points for lunch so I have some extra ones to use for dinners out. Although, if the option is fast food, I'll be brown bagging it. So it could go any way. But I'll be prepared.

Week 9
Big Day Tomorrow

I'm really excited to get to weigh in tomorrow. It has been two weeks, and I'm hoping for a big loss, like 4 pounds or so. I've been disappointed before, so I'll be happy to just have one pound. But cross your fingers with me for more!

Today I've had a pork sandwich from the yummy pork loin roast I made earlier in the week. I put a litte horseradish, the real stuff, no mayo in the sauce, on the bread, and the piece has some of the apricot preserves marinade. It was delicious. I'll post the recipe later. For dinner, it was my current favorite, sloppy joes. Do I still call it plural, joes, when I only had one sandwich? I even cut back on the bread by just using the bottom bun and eating it with a fork. It was delicious. I had a half serving of jalapeno flavored chips with it. No desert, no sorbet tonight, even though I have the points. I may have a banana right before bed.

Growing My Own Herbs

I got my new herb garden planted this afternoon. I still need to pick up some additional plants, at least basil and a mint. I've got a varigated basil, varigated thyme, regular thyme, garlic cloves, parsley, rosemary, sage and ... something else. Maybe I'll find some corriander, that would be great. I don't have the whole garden or the whole patio planted, but I did get that done today, along with the calla lilies and geraniums. I've been buying some fresh herbs at the grocery... it will be nice to be able to add the fresh stuff from my own garden now.

Week 8
McWeight Watchers Plan

My brother and his wife are coming to town for 5 days. When I first heard about their visit, I had a concern for how I was going to have company and stay on my food plan. I didn't know how it was going to work out, but I knew that I would do whatever it takes for it to work out. Then, I discovered that they are both doing Weight Watchers, and I got quite excited. I thought that I could pack lunches for us to take on our sightseeing trips... after all, I had been planning to pack my own.

They are arriving in a couple of days, I have talked with them about food options and strategies. And I learned something that surprised me, in a head shaking kind of way. They eat from the Dining Out guide. They find the least expensive (points wise) foods from each chain, and figure out a combination that is satisfying. They are doing McWeight Watchers! There is no way that I'm joining them in eating like that. I don't care if they eat like that. I'll take them anywhere they want to go. But I'm bringing my own food, and eating things that are healthy besides being within my points.

My Cooking History

This new information about my bro and his wife has been quite shocking to me. I can remember a time in my life when the idea of fixing my own meals was totally foreign to my way of life. That was when I was in college. Once I got out on my own, working and having a budget, I realized very quickly that I didn't have enough $$$ to eat fast food every meal. I had to eat cheaper, and that meant learning to cook. My mom, bless her heart, always had a dinner on the table, but she didn't like cooking and I wouldn't call what she does really "cooking" as much as "food warming." She had a few dishes that she would really cook, but the rest was from a can, a box or the freezer. So we didn't grow up learning how to shop for groceries and cook.

In those early years, nearly 20 years ago now, I got my first Southern Living annual recipe book and started finding recipes to try. I remember that I ate a lot of potatoes, double baked potatoes with tuna, potatoe soup, mashed potatoes. I used to buy a pound of hamburger and add taco seasoning, and I ate a lot of tacos! I experimented with quiche recipes (this was the 80s, remember) and I developed a couple of flavors that I loved: cheeseburger quiche, and mexican quiche. I also learned how to make some home made pizzas using grocery store refridgerated crusts. They weren't good, but they were the only pizza I could afford. I made up my mind to learn to make a great pizza, and I do pretty good. That was the start of my cooking. Over the years, the amount of cooking I've done has gone up and down, mostly based on the amount of time I was working. For years, I felt too tired at the end of a long day to wait to eat while I cooked. I ate in restaurants a lot. I only cooked when I was sick and tired of restaurant food, something I would never have guessed could happen, but it does.

Thinking About My Life Changes

When I started this lifestyle change almost 9 weeks ago, I realized that cooking was going to be very important. I feel like I have more input on the contents and taste of my food now. I can choose to use a light version of an ingredient, I can provide myself with the most satisfaction for the point this way. I have been eating very well. I'm not a gourmet by any means, but I'm a decent cook. And that is important because I depend on myself to provide my food. I enjoy the process. I actually look forward to cooking when I get home from work. It is one way that I can actively nurture myself.

I have really changed my lifestyle, especially how it relates to food. I'm not on McWeight Watchers. I'm building routines and habits that will serve me well the rest of my life. I can take comfort in that, and feel confident that the changes I'm making are real and permanent. In fact, the last couple of days, I've been casually looking at clothes. Not at my current size, but at things that are smaller. In some ways, I can see that I'm afraid to look at the regular size range, I mean anything size 18 and below. I have been looking at some 18s and 20s, which are still at least 3 sizes smaller than I wear today. I bought myself a skirt that is an 18/20, and I bought a demin jumper that is an 18. These are beautiful items I got on a ridiculous sale so they cost almost nothing. I was thinking today while shopping that I should pick up some sweaters for next fall because they are on clearance now, but I really don't know what size to even consider, or what style might look good, so I don't go there. But I am thinking in that direction, and I will make some purchases in smaller sizes.